AIBU to feel touched out while my husband wants more affection?

[Coraturtle]

Sorry this is long but I don't want to make DH out to be the bad guy because I don't think he is. I just don't know whether I'm being unreasonable or whether this is just another phase of becoming parents.

DH and I are both in our mid/late 30s. We had our first child last year after 9 yrs together and our little boy turns one in August.

I absolutely adore our son but if I'm honest, I've found this first year far harder than I ever imagined. I thought I was prepared but nothing prepares you for how relentless it is. The sleep deprivation, the constant responsibility, worrying about every little thing, never really switching off. I struggled emotionally in the early months and although things are much better now, I still don't feel like "old me."

Throughout all of this DH has genuinely been brilliant. He does his share around the house, gets up with our son at weekends so I can have a lie in, cooks, cleans, changes nappies, does bedtime. He's a very involved dad and I honestly couldn't ask for more in that respect.

The problem seems to be... us.
Before having our son we were one of those couples who were always close. Sitting with our legs over each other on the sofa, holding hands, random hugs in the kitchen, kissing each other goodbye even if it was just popping to the shops. We'd often just sit cuddled up watching TV without even thinking about it. Physical affection has always been a huge part of our relationship.

Now by the end of the day I honestly feel completely "touched out." My son is on me constantly. He's at that age where he wants picking up, climbing over me, pulling himself up on me, wanting feeding, (I’m still breast feeding I want to do it for a bit longer as I feel guilty not doing that) wanting comforting. I spend most of the day with someone physically attached to me. I have gone back to work 3 times a week for now which has been very hard to adjust to.

By the evening I just want to sit down and have a cup of tea without another human touching me for five minutes.

It's not that I don't love DH or don't fancy him. We still have sex fairly regularly (probably once or twice a week on average, sometimes more, sometimes less depending on how shattered we both are). To me that seems fairly healthy considering we have a baby.

But DH says sex isn't really the issue.
He says he misses affection.
According to him I never initiate affection anymore, I move away if he tries to cuddle on the sofa because I say I'm too hot or uncomfortable, I don't randomly kiss him anymore, if he puts his arm round me I tend to carry on scrolling my phone rather than lean into him.

He said recently, "I feel like I have to ask permission just to get a cuddle."
That actually upset me because I hadn't realised he felt that way.
I explained exactly what I've written above, that by bedtime I've had someone touching me literally all day and my body just needs a bit of space. He said he completely understands the concept of being touched out but that he also feels like he's gone from being my partner to just someone who helps run the household.

His words were, "Our son gets every bit of your affection. I get whatever energy you've got left."I didn't really know what to say because in some ways I understand why he'd feel that way, but equally our son is a baby. He literally needs me.

It's not just before sex either. Even afterwards he'll want to lie there cuddling for ages, chatting or just holding each other. Which is lovely in theory, but sometimes all I want is a quick shower, clean pyjamas and to get into bed on my own side and go to sleep. By that point it's often late and I know our son will probably be awake at 6am, I want to have enough energy to go on the exercise bike in the morning because our son wakes up. I feel awful admitting it because I know he's only looking for closeness, but sometimes it genuinely feels like another demand on me when all I want is to switch off.

Another thing he's brought up is that he thinks I've become a much more anxious person since becoming a mum. A few weeks ago we left our son overnight with DH's parents for the first time. Well, technically we were collecting him the following morning because we'd planned dinner, drinks. It was the first proper date we'd had in months.

Dinner was lovely. We laughed, had a few drinks, talked about things other than nappies and for a while it actually felt like us again.
But I'll admit I kept bringing our son up.
I kept saying things like, "Do you think he's had enough milk?", "Should we ring and check he's okay?", "What if he won't settle?" “Why haven’t they sent any pictures of him”, "I can always pump some more when we get back if he needs it."After about the fourth or fifth time DH said, "Can you just relax? He's absolutely fine." I said I was trying.

He then said, "I just want one evening where I feel like I've got my wife to myself without your mind being somewhere else."
Again, I felt guilty because I know exactly what he meant, but I couldn't just switch my brain off. It wasn't that I didn't want to be there with him, I was having a lovely time, but my brain is constantly thinking about our son.

There's probably one other thing that's been bothering me too. Since becoming parents DH seems to be drinking more than he used to. I'm not talking about getting drunk every night, but it's become almost routine for him to have one or two beers after work. On its own I probably wouldn't think much of it, but it's becoming such a habit that I've started noticing it.

Last weekend we were at his parents' house for a family BBQ.His mum had bought me a few summery outfits to cheer me up because she thought they'd suit me, so she asked me to try them on. I came downstairs wearing one of the dresses and everyone was saying how nice it looked.

My SIL smiled and said along the lines of ‘You've snapped back so quickly after having a baby.’
I laughed because I don't really think I have, I've just lost most of the pregnancy weight naturally from running around after an almost one year old.

By this point DH had had far too much to drink. He wasn't just tipsy, he was very drunk.
He smiled and said, "Yeah... shame I barely get to touch her."Everyone laughed but it was one of those really awkward laughs where nobody quite knew what to say.That wasn't even the end of it.Throughout the evening he kept making little comments about how I never cuddle him anymore and how our son gets all my attention. At one point he laughed and said, "I'm jealous of my own son."Again, awkward silence.Then, to my absolute horror, he started talking about our sex life.
He said before we had our son I used to be much more adventurous, that I used to enjoy giving him oral sex, and now "it's just missionary”I wanted the ground to swallow me up.His parents were sitting there. His sister was sitting there.Nobody knew where to look.
My MIL suddenly started clearing stuff, FIL stared at the barbecue, SIL immediately tried changing the subject, BIL and his wife just changed the subject. I don't think anyone found it funny. I think they were embarrassed for me.On the taxi home I asked him why on earth he'd thought that was an appropriate conversation to have in front of his family.
He genuinely seemed surprised that I'd been so upset.

He said he'd only been joking but admitted there was "truth behind every joke."
The next morning he apologised repeatedly. He admitted he'd had far too much to drink, said he couldn't even remember saying some of it and was mortified when I told him exactly what he'd come out with.
He said he'd never intended to humiliate me.
The thing is, I don't actually think he's trying to pressure me. If anything, I think he's genuinely lonely. He says he misses me.

But equally I can't help feeling he's become quite needy. Sometimes it feels like if we're sitting on the sofa he wants to be touching me. If we're in bed he wants to cuddle. If we're walking somewhere he wants to hold hands. It's almost as though he's desperately trying to recreate how we were before the baby, whereas I'm still trying to work out who I even am now.

I also can't ignore the fact that he's drinking more than he used to, and all of these feelings seem to come pouring out once he's had too much.

I feel guilty because I honestly don't know how to give any more than I already am. By the time our son is asleep I've usually been "on duty" for 13 hours and I just want to sit quietly for half an hour.

I don't want every evening to involve sitting on the same sofa under the same blanket holding hands. Sometimes I just want to exist in my own space for a bit.

At the same time I don't want him feeling unloved either because he really has been an amazing husband and father throughout all of this.

In a way I’m still adjusting to motherhood but I also want to keep our relationship. I know these things probably just take time. I’m still in love with him. I’ve just got a whole human that needs me a lot and I don’t know to adjust and be chill.

They will assess you for PPD/PPA. You can have both. You might also need blood work to see if you have anything that needs to be addressed physically. You are trying to downplay what can worsen without treatment.

They won't laugh at all. It's very well known that many new moms suffer from it and it can require treatment just like any other medical condition. It's become a standard assessment where I am at our post partum checkup.

Your husband's jealousy of your child and selfishness in the face of big life changes means he expects you to make things as they were, that you prioritize him, and babies change that part of marriage. A young baby and child takes priority because they can't take care of themselves. You're burning out between the constant demands of mothering a baby and your husband's constant need for your attention.

He's not that great. That tantrum was a selfish little shit show. He needs some counseling, it sounds like he's got some resentment going on.

I am eating well , I am working out most mornings, my husband often checks on our son and gets him ready in the mornings just so I can work out. I think we do both put in the work and work together and we have a village. I am just struggling at the minute, I have spoken to my mum and sisters who have all been through this in one way or another after having children. I want to go back to feeling like myself and the advice I have has been to just push through it gets better when they are a bit older, 3/4 years old. Both my sisters did struggle with what I have been struggling with and it go better. Their children are now between ages 5-9.

Dh and I definitely need to sit down and talk, neither of us would want a divorce now or later down the line. I love him so much, I just was not prepared for motherhood, I thought I was but clearly not. Our son is still very young, I am just anxious about him a lot I just care about him a bit too much.

I am eating well , I am working out most mornings, my husband often checks on our son and gets him ready in the mornings just so I can work out. I think we do both put in the work and work together and we have a village. I am just struggling at the minute, I have spoken to my mum and sisters who have all been through this in one way or another after having children. I want to go back to feeling like myself and the advice I have has been to just push through it gets better when they are a bit older, 3/4 years old. Both my sisters did struggle with what I have been struggling with and it go better. Their children are now between ages 5-9.

Dh and I definitely need to sit down and talk, neither of us would want a divorce now or later down the line. I love him so much, I just was not prepared for motherhood, I thought I was but clearly not. Our son is still very young, I am just anxious about him a lot I just care about him a bit too much.

I'm guessing the decision to have a child was a mutual one and that he was on board, so he needs to accept that you are now a family and no longer a couple. The dynamics of your relationship have changed. It won't always be like this I'm sure but at the moment this is the situation and he needs to step up and deal with it instead of feeling like he's lost his wife, he's made her a mother!

@Coraturtle you sounds like you are hoping it’ll will just go away rather than pushing through. It’s ok to get help to sort that. And waiting another 3/4 years is sad, why would you wish that on yourself (and your family)? You are allowed to find it hard when others find it easy even if you have support.

Do you have anytime in the week that scheduled just for you? Not to do work/chores/errands/exercise/something productive, but something that you want to do for you even if it’s just sit in the garden and breathe? Or paint? Or walk in the country side? Or see friends? Or anything for you?

How can I possibly explain to a GP that stuff. They’ll laugh at me.

GPs don't laugh at people with a medical condition. PPD (or PND) is a medical condition. Only about 10% of women suffer from the condition but there is a genetic link which could increase your risk and explain why your mum and sisters experienced the same.

You can google it:

"Postnatal depression is not directly inherited as a single genetic trait, but family history, shared genes, and hormonal shifts create a strong vulnerability. Research indicates that genetics account for roughly 14% to 44% of the risk for developing the condition."

Just because other family members suffered, doesn't mean you have to.

Your GP will be able to distinguish between PND and simple exhaustion. It might be wise to make an appointment. They will not laugh at you - they encounter this sort of thing all the time.

I do think that your problems (be they PND or not) are compounded by your OH's inability to recognise that he has to play second fiddle for a while and that your sex drive might not be as he might wish - frankly I am surprised you have any at all! Things will not work out if he simply becomes another child whose needs you have to meet. He needs to start being a bit more grown up here. He is behaving like a child. You can't be all things to all people all the time.

You are pushing yourself very hard if you are working out every morning and trying to meet your OH's sexual demands as well as everything else.

Your OH's drinking is out of order, especially as it has made him behave inappropriately.

I am sorry you are in this situation but there are solutions:

• you need to cut yourself some slack and trim back on some things - the workout?
• and stop trying to meet the needs of this man who is behaving like a child. He should be trying to meet your needs
• Your OH's drinking needs addressing.

I feel this is very good advice.

Your DH needs to really see the effort needed with your little one. He may also then see the priorities mentioned above, ie: 1) baby 2) you and 3) him. It's a learning experience.

Finally, comparing your experience with that of your sisters; maybe their partners were more mature than yours? Getting drunk and bemoaning your sex life to family is appalling behaviour.

I read a post by Zawn Villanes once which said most ppd is caused by shitty male partners. Your DH isn't universally shitty but he is emotionally shitty. Very immature and putting you under intolerable pressure. He needs to give you a proper break. Any physical touchist put you on edge because you know how entitled he feels to it. I also cannot believe what he said to his family and how that must have made you feel. He needs to grow up. It's normal for men to be bottom of the pile while mum focuses on baby in the first year. I wasn't interested in physical touch or sex for well over a year with both my kids. DH mentioned a couple of times he would like to be physically closer. There was no coercion or guilt tripping. Our relationship is much more like it used to be now we are through the baby and toddler years.

OP, I think pushing through is a very old fashioned attitude. The GP might prescribe anti depressants. Sh emight want to get you tested - I remember mine ringing me to tell me that frankly between my vitamin D levels and my iron levels, she wasn't in the slightest bit surprise dby how hard I was finding things and that I needed significant top ups of both. So it's not JUST anti depressants.

You say your DH is supportive and it sounds like he is except.... you're not getting your needs met any more than he is. You do phsical exercise and you eat well and he helps with that, but what you need is downtime. Time you're not responsible for another person. Perhaps you shoudl ditch some of the work out time for down time. or he should take on the full evening routine once a week while you go see a movie or lie in bed reading a book.

You sound sad and you don't need to be.

Also, your DH's comments were so out of line he should be prostrating himself to apologise. The fact that he's not tells me that he thinks that even though he said them, it was all valid. And he thinks by saying it like that, you'll do something. The irony is you ARE doing somethign - youv'e posted here. But that's not actually what HE wants. He wants you to go back to prioritisin ghim. And I hoep you've got the message from all of us that yes, your relationship is important but really, you need to prioritise yourself right now.

His feelings are absolutely not valid for the phase of life he is in.

She is his wife not his therapist.

Not ever bloody feeling everyone has is bloody valid. That is just pseudo religious therapised instagram nonsense. Psychopaths have feelings where they like to harm people, are their feelings valid too?

He is an over-grown sulky baby who needs to mature.

He’s a child

Well aren’t you a lovely person. Typical mumsnet view of the man is wrong and irrelevant no matter what the situation. I’m not arguing about it with you.

His feelings are not valid.
His wife has had a baby and his response is to drink excessively and get so drunk he is advertising his jealousy of his child and that he doesn't get enough sex.
How the OP hasn't developed the ick is beyond me.

OP, do not waste these years hoping to out grow a medical condition that can be helped.

GP's do not laugh at medical conditions.

Typical mumsnet view of the man is wrong and irrelevant no matter what the situation.

But in this situation he complained to his family that his wife doesn't give him blow jobs any more. Doesn't that say what sort of man he is.

OP I was suicidal around the time my DS was one. He’s now 7 and it gets sooo much better. I found once he turned 4 things started to improve. Looking back, I should have gone to the GP and gotten some anti depressants.

Your body has been through so much, growing carrying and birthing a child, I gathered you’re still breastfeeding too and your hormones will still not have settled down. You’re trying to adjust to motherhood and having this tiny thing being desperate for your attention all the time. ALL your DH has to do is suck it up and be patient. That’s it. But he is throwing tantrums and is jealous of his 1yo son. He needs to grow up I’m afraid. Parenthood changes things and he cannot be demanding your attention like this while you’re so clearly burnt out. He is being selfish.

He’s disgusting, disrespectful and jealous of his own baby. Get rid of this pathetic, needy ‘man’.

Mention this to your Gp, it could be pnd which can happen anywhere up to 2 years post natal. I used to get out of bed and cry every morning, then pull myself together and get on with the day.
Anti depressants worked wonders for me

Please speak to your GP. It's normal to feel exhausted with a small child but it's not healthy to feel sad and anxious. Your GP can help. Don't delay make an appointment today. 🫂

You are so brave in telling us this op. Post partum depression isn't just a normal.event, it's not like short lived baby blues. I struggled to have a clear thought in my head and my thinking was definitely muddled, anti depressants were a lifeline for me, and I really think you need to seek out some help. That being said it doesn't negate Dh's drunken behaviour which was appalling. I think you are both feeling sad and overwhelmed but expressing it in different ways, please think about speaking to your Gp or health visitor.

Amen to this!

@Coraturtle

He sounds horrible, childish and an idiot
HOW DARE he speak about you like that in front of his family !
Im not sure I could forgive that

Jesus what have I just read ?! @Coraturtle your husband is a prick! My heart actually aches for you. You are going through such a tough time at the moment, and yes things will get better as baby gets older, but believe me- the resentment towards your partner can stay for years. He is being unbelievably immature, pathetic and self centred.

relationships change. His need for affection comes below your need for sleep/ space - look up Maslow triangle of needs - there is no argument there.

god this makes me angry on your behalf. What a twat.

Ah but his itty bitty feelings are valid even when he does stuff like that because, the self defining nice person thinks it is ok for a man to treat his wife like that.

Thank God there are really nice men out there who embrace fatherhood, have good empathy and love the woman who had their child instead of competing with their one year old son for attention. They are life’s good people.

OP, I am so sorry you feel this way but feeling like this is not 'normal' and something you should just put up with. You sound anxious and depressed and that certainly isn't an inevitable consequence of motherhood. I suspect tiredness is, but crying isn't. You deserve some help with this. I think there might be some things to attend to in your marriage at some point but the first thing you need to do is to feel like you again. I would suggest talking to your GP or your health visitor. You sound like you are trying to keep a brave face but all that does is stop people helping you, and I think you need some support from both professionals and friends/family to get back to being you.

OP, not wanting to get up and crying at work are the sort of symptoms GPs will be listening out for, and not just in new mothers. Nobody will laugh. You don't have to put up with feeling like this. You don't sound like you think you are worth getting to the bottom of this but you definitely are, for many reasons. You need to fit your oxygen mask first as a parent. The better you feel about everything , the better your child's life will be. Get some help based on making DCs life the best it can be even if you won't for yourself.