AIBU to feel touched out while my husband wants more affection?

[Coraturtle]

Sorry this is long but I don't want to make DH out to be the bad guy because I don't think he is. I just don't know whether I'm being unreasonable or whether this is just another phase of becoming parents.

DH and I are both in our mid/late 30s. We had our first child last year after 9 yrs together and our little boy turns one in August.

I absolutely adore our son but if I'm honest, I've found this first year far harder than I ever imagined. I thought I was prepared but nothing prepares you for how relentless it is. The sleep deprivation, the constant responsibility, worrying about every little thing, never really switching off. I struggled emotionally in the early months and although things are much better now, I still don't feel like "old me."

Throughout all of this DH has genuinely been brilliant. He does his share around the house, gets up with our son at weekends so I can have a lie in, cooks, cleans, changes nappies, does bedtime. He's a very involved dad and I honestly couldn't ask for more in that respect.

The problem seems to be... us.
Before having our son we were one of those couples who were always close. Sitting with our legs over each other on the sofa, holding hands, random hugs in the kitchen, kissing each other goodbye even if it was just popping to the shops. We'd often just sit cuddled up watching TV without even thinking about it. Physical affection has always been a huge part of our relationship.

Now by the end of the day I honestly feel completely "touched out." My son is on me constantly. He's at that age where he wants picking up, climbing over me, pulling himself up on me, wanting feeding, (I’m still breast feeding I want to do it for a bit longer as I feel guilty not doing that) wanting comforting. I spend most of the day with someone physically attached to me. I have gone back to work 3 times a week for now which has been very hard to adjust to.

By the evening I just want to sit down and have a cup of tea without another human touching me for five minutes.

It's not that I don't love DH or don't fancy him. We still have sex fairly regularly (probably once or twice a week on average, sometimes more, sometimes less depending on how shattered we both are). To me that seems fairly healthy considering we have a baby.

But DH says sex isn't really the issue.
He says he misses affection.
According to him I never initiate affection anymore, I move away if he tries to cuddle on the sofa because I say I'm too hot or uncomfortable, I don't randomly kiss him anymore, if he puts his arm round me I tend to carry on scrolling my phone rather than lean into him.

He said recently, "I feel like I have to ask permission just to get a cuddle."
That actually upset me because I hadn't realised he felt that way.
I explained exactly what I've written above, that by bedtime I've had someone touching me literally all day and my body just needs a bit of space. He said he completely understands the concept of being touched out but that he also feels like he's gone from being my partner to just someone who helps run the household.

His words were, "Our son gets every bit of your affection. I get whatever energy you've got left."I didn't really know what to say because in some ways I understand why he'd feel that way, but equally our son is a baby. He literally needs me.

It's not just before sex either. Even afterwards he'll want to lie there cuddling for ages, chatting or just holding each other. Which is lovely in theory, but sometimes all I want is a quick shower, clean pyjamas and to get into bed on my own side and go to sleep. By that point it's often late and I know our son will probably be awake at 6am, I want to have enough energy to go on the exercise bike in the morning because our son wakes up. I feel awful admitting it because I know he's only looking for closeness, but sometimes it genuinely feels like another demand on me when all I want is to switch off.

Another thing he's brought up is that he thinks I've become a much more anxious person since becoming a mum. A few weeks ago we left our son overnight with DH's parents for the first time. Well, technically we were collecting him the following morning because we'd planned dinner, drinks. It was the first proper date we'd had in months.

Dinner was lovely. We laughed, had a few drinks, talked about things other than nappies and for a while it actually felt like us again.
But I'll admit I kept bringing our son up.
I kept saying things like, "Do you think he's had enough milk?", "Should we ring and check he's okay?", "What if he won't settle?" “Why haven’t they sent any pictures of him”, "I can always pump some more when we get back if he needs it."After about the fourth or fifth time DH said, "Can you just relax? He's absolutely fine." I said I was trying.

He then said, "I just want one evening where I feel like I've got my wife to myself without your mind being somewhere else."
Again, I felt guilty because I know exactly what he meant, but I couldn't just switch my brain off. It wasn't that I didn't want to be there with him, I was having a lovely time, but my brain is constantly thinking about our son.

There's probably one other thing that's been bothering me too. Since becoming parents DH seems to be drinking more than he used to. I'm not talking about getting drunk every night, but it's become almost routine for him to have one or two beers after work. On its own I probably wouldn't think much of it, but it's becoming such a habit that I've started noticing it.

Last weekend we were at his parents' house for a family BBQ.His mum had bought me a few summery outfits to cheer me up because she thought they'd suit me, so she asked me to try them on. I came downstairs wearing one of the dresses and everyone was saying how nice it looked.

My SIL smiled and said along the lines of ‘You've snapped back so quickly after having a baby.’
I laughed because I don't really think I have, I've just lost most of the pregnancy weight naturally from running around after an almost one year old.

By this point DH had had far too much to drink. He wasn't just tipsy, he was very drunk.
He smiled and said, "Yeah... shame I barely get to touch her."Everyone laughed but it was one of those really awkward laughs where nobody quite knew what to say.That wasn't even the end of it.Throughout the evening he kept making little comments about how I never cuddle him anymore and how our son gets all my attention. At one point he laughed and said, "I'm jealous of my own son."Again, awkward silence.Then, to my absolute horror, he started talking about our sex life.
He said before we had our son I used to be much more adventurous, that I used to enjoy giving him oral sex, and now "it's just missionary”I wanted the ground to swallow me up.His parents were sitting there. His sister was sitting there.Nobody knew where to look.
My MIL suddenly started clearing stuff, FIL stared at the barbecue, SIL immediately tried changing the subject, BIL and his wife just changed the subject. I don't think anyone found it funny. I think they were embarrassed for me.On the taxi home I asked him why on earth he'd thought that was an appropriate conversation to have in front of his family.
He genuinely seemed surprised that I'd been so upset.

He said he'd only been joking but admitted there was "truth behind every joke."
The next morning he apologised repeatedly. He admitted he'd had far too much to drink, said he couldn't even remember saying some of it and was mortified when I told him exactly what he'd come out with.
He said he'd never intended to humiliate me.
The thing is, I don't actually think he's trying to pressure me. If anything, I think he's genuinely lonely. He says he misses me.

But equally I can't help feeling he's become quite needy. Sometimes it feels like if we're sitting on the sofa he wants to be touching me. If we're in bed he wants to cuddle. If we're walking somewhere he wants to hold hands. It's almost as though he's desperately trying to recreate how we were before the baby, whereas I'm still trying to work out who I even am now.

I also can't ignore the fact that he's drinking more than he used to, and all of these feelings seem to come pouring out once he's had too much.

I feel guilty because I honestly don't know how to give any more than I already am. By the time our son is asleep I've usually been "on duty" for 13 hours and I just want to sit quietly for half an hour.

I don't want every evening to involve sitting on the same sofa under the same blanket holding hands. Sometimes I just want to exist in my own space for a bit.

At the same time I don't want him feeling unloved either because he really has been an amazing husband and father throughout all of this.

In a way I’m still adjusting to motherhood but I also want to keep our relationship. I know these things probably just take time. I’m still in love with him. I’ve just got a whole human that needs me a lot and I don’t know to adjust and be chill.

I do have some time to myself or to go see friends but anxiety sometimes stops me. Not too long ago I went out with friends but got so anxious I left early to check on DH and our son. DH was a bit annoyed because he was enjoying time with our son. I just get so anxious when I’m not with him I feel as though he’ll get hurt and I won’t be there for him.

I do things for myself and have time to do so. It’s just hard when he’s still so little I don’t want to not be there if something does happen to him.

Please book yourself a GP appointment, you don't have to suffer, the GP will listen and understand. Just pushing through is not great advice, I did this and ended up being so much worse.

If you don't know what to say to the GP, write down how you are feeling and show them, or tell them that other people have noticed you're not yourself and have told you to speak to a GP.

It is really hard OP. Being a working mother.

your DH should not be having a beer on the commute home. That is not ok.

my kids are 16&19 and my DH was so helpful. To survive you must put yourself first. Let DH have his moaning. He is not your Problem to fix. He has thinks you have to fix him. But if only he can.

also you can divorce him. That is also ok

Please see your GP. They can get you some help to deal with this.
this isn’t a wait and see and I’ll come out the other side in 2/3yrs time, this is post natal depression/anxiety that there is treatment for!

your Husband…he can wait until you’re getting the help you need and then you can sort that side of things but he shouldn’t be drinking daily and def no more bbq’s with too much alcohol that he’s spouting off!

Oh lady. Please stop beating yourself up for feeling so sad. Motherhood is tough work. It’s the biggest physical, emotional and mental change that any woman can go through. These feelings that you’re having are so common and you are not the only mum who has ever felt like this. It’s not OK for you to feel sad and cry every day though and you should speak with your GP or Health Visitor. There’s no shame in it whatsoever and there’s no pressure for any treatment and whatever treatment is decided upon won’t be forever (if that’s what you’re worried about). I had the same feelings as you do after both of my babies, more so with my second. It took me by surprise as I didn’t expect to feel like I did and I was worried about admitting how I felt. I found even just confiding in my HV was enough to make me realise that I wasn’t alone in the way that I felt. You will find yourself again and you owe it to yourself to feel better every day than you currently do because you’re doing so much for your baby already. You sound like a great mum. Please be kind to yourself.

As for your husband, he needs to wind his neck in and bide his time. It’s OK for him to miss the couple that you once were but his main focus should be on supporting you (and your son). As for his disclosure at the family BBQ, it was out of order. He embarrassed you and he should be told as such. To me it sounds like you give him lots of affection, far more than myself or my husband have had since having our kids!

It sounds like there’s two separate but concurrent issues here.

The first is the anxiety that you’re dealing with. I’ve been there and understand how overwhelming this can be. I’d strongly recommend seeking medical assistance on this. You asked upthread “ what can they do”? You’re correct that the answer might be nothing, and in that case you’ve lost nothing. But the answer might also be a something that you find genuinely helpful.

The second issue is a DH issue. He’s told you, in these exact words, that he resents DS’s needs being met before his wants, and that he’s upset that you don’t prioritise his access to your body above your own mental health. To “punish” you for this he made a choice to humiliate you in front of his family. It seem to me that there’s a bigger issue that needs to be explored at some point.

You’ve said that he does his fair share of parenting and housework, but it almost reads like he has underlying ulterior motives with this too - for example you mentioned that he’ll do housework alongside you “ so that you have time to cuddle on the sofa afterwards”.

If there’s a pattern of him expecting/ hoping for a trade off to his equal participation in a household he’s equally a member of, he’s possibly not the great husband and father he thinks of himself as.

My GP was really supportive when I spoke to them about post partum depression/anxiety so definitely recommend you speak to them. I think this is also the worst part adjusting to being back at work, being apart from DC and figuring out how to juggle all of that while still being sleep deprived. I second whoever said can you have an evening or two out of the house a week and do things that help you feel like you again

Go and see your GP as it’s ok to ask for help. You will feel like yourself one day again but you likely need a bit of help to do so and there is no sense in waiting another 3 or 4 years. It will be ok but you need to ask for some help.

I think you need to make more time for DH, he obviously feels he doesn't get any of you anymore- his outburst whilst drunk means he isn't satisfied with the sex you are having either.
I understand you probably feel overwhelmed and that DS has all your attention, but you need to make time for you and DH- you are losing yourself, ultimately that will do no one any good , including your DS. Possibly some counselling, not wanting to be touched, even after a long day makes it sound like your mental health is fragile- you need support.

Op please read yoir own posts. Its not just Postnatal depression or bit of anxiety. Its impacting on your life in a large way.
If you cant talk then print your posts and take them to GP or find a therapist.

OP cant pull capacity out of nowhere though. She’s fully aware that her husband “ doesn’t feel he get’s enough of her” but she has nothing left to give at the moment.

Her husband is an adult who (hopefully) cares about her physical and mental health, likely isnt suffering from post partum depression and hasn’t just had to deal with returning to work whilst still nursing and feeling anxious about leaving the tiny human that he grew and birthed. Under the circumstances, HE could try to be more empathetic and in tune with what the OP needs. This isn’t all on her, nor should it be.

I think this man needs to bloody well grow up, stop being a selfish pig and consider his wifes needs and feelings
WTAF!
He talked about their sex life in graphic detail in front of their family
I would never ever be able to forgive my DH, the trust would be dead and our marriage over

OP, I am married to a consultant psychiatrist who specialised in mothers and babies. You absolutely must see your GP. You are right that lots of people get depressed and there are some great treatments out there but that doesn’t make it any less serious. You definitely need help and you cannot and should not struggle on your own with this.
The GP will completely understand and you will be treated with kindness and compassion. The practice will be organised for this and you are likely to feel a bit better when you take the first step of speaking with a health professional. Your child is one now and you sound like you’ve been struggling with depression for quite a while. The overwhelming anxiety that you feel is part of the illness and that, too, will lift with successful treatment. You are likely to make a full recovery and you could better really quite quickly. Please don’t leave it any longer because it could get worse without treatment. But in a couple of months with treatment, you could be feeling so much better.
There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. This can happen to any mum. In fact you’ve been absolutely heroic struggling on and managing so well when you are ill. Please go to the doctor, OP and be completely honest about how you feel and about the overwhelming sadness that’s engulfed you. It’s not optional. Your husband is struggling too. Once you have the help you need, he’ll start to feel less helpless. Your baby deserves a happy mum and you deserve to get your life back. Please make an emergency appointment tomorrow and let us know how you get on. I’m really rooting for you and sending you all the love. ❤️ And if you do want to have another baby, there is a prenatal service which will support you through any future pregnancy to ensure this doesn’t happen again.