AIBU to feel touched out while my husband wants more affection?

[Coraturtle]

Sorry this is long but I don't want to make DH out to be the bad guy because I don't think he is. I just don't know whether I'm being unreasonable or whether this is just another phase of becoming parents.

DH and I are both in our mid/late 30s. We had our first child last year after 9 yrs together and our little boy turns one in August.

I absolutely adore our son but if I'm honest, I've found this first year far harder than I ever imagined. I thought I was prepared but nothing prepares you for how relentless it is. The sleep deprivation, the constant responsibility, worrying about every little thing, never really switching off. I struggled emotionally in the early months and although things are much better now, I still don't feel like "old me."

Throughout all of this DH has genuinely been brilliant. He does his share around the house, gets up with our son at weekends so I can have a lie in, cooks, cleans, changes nappies, does bedtime. He's a very involved dad and I honestly couldn't ask for more in that respect.

The problem seems to be... us.
Before having our son we were one of those couples who were always close. Sitting with our legs over each other on the sofa, holding hands, random hugs in the kitchen, kissing each other goodbye even if it was just popping to the shops. We'd often just sit cuddled up watching TV without even thinking about it. Physical affection has always been a huge part of our relationship.

Now by the end of the day I honestly feel completely "touched out." My son is on me constantly. He's at that age where he wants picking up, climbing over me, pulling himself up on me, wanting feeding, (I’m still breast feeding I want to do it for a bit longer as I feel guilty not doing that) wanting comforting. I spend most of the day with someone physically attached to me. I have gone back to work 3 times a week for now which has been very hard to adjust to.

By the evening I just want to sit down and have a cup of tea without another human touching me for five minutes.

It's not that I don't love DH or don't fancy him. We still have sex fairly regularly (probably once or twice a week on average, sometimes more, sometimes less depending on how shattered we both are). To me that seems fairly healthy considering we have a baby.

But DH says sex isn't really the issue.
He says he misses affection.
According to him I never initiate affection anymore, I move away if he tries to cuddle on the sofa because I say I'm too hot or uncomfortable, I don't randomly kiss him anymore, if he puts his arm round me I tend to carry on scrolling my phone rather than lean into him.

He said recently, "I feel like I have to ask permission just to get a cuddle."
That actually upset me because I hadn't realised he felt that way.
I explained exactly what I've written above, that by bedtime I've had someone touching me literally all day and my body just needs a bit of space. He said he completely understands the concept of being touched out but that he also feels like he's gone from being my partner to just someone who helps run the household.

His words were, "Our son gets every bit of your affection. I get whatever energy you've got left."I didn't really know what to say because in some ways I understand why he'd feel that way, but equally our son is a baby. He literally needs me.

It's not just before sex either. Even afterwards he'll want to lie there cuddling for ages, chatting or just holding each other. Which is lovely in theory, but sometimes all I want is a quick shower, clean pyjamas and to get into bed on my own side and go to sleep. By that point it's often late and I know our son will probably be awake at 6am, I want to have enough energy to go on the exercise bike in the morning because our son wakes up. I feel awful admitting it because I know he's only looking for closeness, but sometimes it genuinely feels like another demand on me when all I want is to switch off.

Another thing he's brought up is that he thinks I've become a much more anxious person since becoming a mum. A few weeks ago we left our son overnight with DH's parents for the first time. Well, technically we were collecting him the following morning because we'd planned dinner, drinks. It was the first proper date we'd had in months.

Dinner was lovely. We laughed, had a few drinks, talked about things other than nappies and for a while it actually felt like us again.
But I'll admit I kept bringing our son up.
I kept saying things like, "Do you think he's had enough milk?", "Should we ring and check he's okay?", "What if he won't settle?" “Why haven’t they sent any pictures of him”, "I can always pump some more when we get back if he needs it."After about the fourth or fifth time DH said, "Can you just relax? He's absolutely fine." I said I was trying.

He then said, "I just want one evening where I feel like I've got my wife to myself without your mind being somewhere else."
Again, I felt guilty because I know exactly what he meant, but I couldn't just switch my brain off. It wasn't that I didn't want to be there with him, I was having a lovely time, but my brain is constantly thinking about our son.

There's probably one other thing that's been bothering me too. Since becoming parents DH seems to be drinking more than he used to. I'm not talking about getting drunk every night, but it's become almost routine for him to have one or two beers after work. On its own I probably wouldn't think much of it, but it's becoming such a habit that I've started noticing it.

Last weekend we were at his parents' house for a family BBQ.His mum had bought me a few summery outfits to cheer me up because she thought they'd suit me, so she asked me to try them on. I came downstairs wearing one of the dresses and everyone was saying how nice it looked.

My SIL smiled and said along the lines of ‘You've snapped back so quickly after having a baby.’
I laughed because I don't really think I have, I've just lost most of the pregnancy weight naturally from running around after an almost one year old.

By this point DH had had far too much to drink. He wasn't just tipsy, he was very drunk.
He smiled and said, "Yeah... shame I barely get to touch her."Everyone laughed but it was one of those really awkward laughs where nobody quite knew what to say.That wasn't even the end of it.Throughout the evening he kept making little comments about how I never cuddle him anymore and how our son gets all my attention. At one point he laughed and said, "I'm jealous of my own son."Again, awkward silence.Then, to my absolute horror, he started talking about our sex life.
He said before we had our son I used to be much more adventurous, that I used to enjoy giving him oral sex, and now "it's just missionary”I wanted the ground to swallow me up.His parents were sitting there. His sister was sitting there.Nobody knew where to look.
My MIL suddenly started clearing stuff, FIL stared at the barbecue, SIL immediately tried changing the subject, BIL and his wife just changed the subject. I don't think anyone found it funny. I think they were embarrassed for me.On the taxi home I asked him why on earth he'd thought that was an appropriate conversation to have in front of his family.
He genuinely seemed surprised that I'd been so upset.

He said he'd only been joking but admitted there was "truth behind every joke."
The next morning he apologised repeatedly. He admitted he'd had far too much to drink, said he couldn't even remember saying some of it and was mortified when I told him exactly what he'd come out with.
He said he'd never intended to humiliate me.
The thing is, I don't actually think he's trying to pressure me. If anything, I think he's genuinely lonely. He says he misses me.

But equally I can't help feeling he's become quite needy. Sometimes it feels like if we're sitting on the sofa he wants to be touching me. If we're in bed he wants to cuddle. If we're walking somewhere he wants to hold hands. It's almost as though he's desperately trying to recreate how we were before the baby, whereas I'm still trying to work out who I even am now.

I also can't ignore the fact that he's drinking more than he used to, and all of these feelings seem to come pouring out once he's had too much.

I feel guilty because I honestly don't know how to give any more than I already am. By the time our son is asleep I've usually been "on duty" for 13 hours and I just want to sit quietly for half an hour.

I don't want every evening to involve sitting on the same sofa under the same blanket holding hands. Sometimes I just want to exist in my own space for a bit.

At the same time I don't want him feeling unloved either because he really has been an amazing husband and father throughout all of this.

In a way I’m still adjusting to motherhood but I also want to keep our relationship. I know these things probably just take time. I’m still in love with him. I’ve just got a whole human that needs me a lot and I don’t know to adjust and be chill.

I do have some time to myself or to go see friends but anxiety sometimes stops me. Not too long ago I went out with friends but got so anxious I left early to check on DH and our son. DH was a bit annoyed because he was enjoying time with our son. I just get so anxious when I’m not with him I feel as though he’ll get hurt and I won’t be there for him.

I do things for myself and have time to do so. It’s just hard when he’s still so little I don’t want to not be there if something does happen to him.

Please book yourself a GP appointment, you don't have to suffer, the GP will listen and understand. Just pushing through is not great advice, I did this and ended up being so much worse.

If you don't know what to say to the GP, write down how you are feeling and show them, or tell them that other people have noticed you're not yourself and have told you to speak to a GP.

It is really hard OP. Being a working mother.

your DH should not be having a beer on the commute home. That is not ok.

my kids are 16&19 and my DH was so helpful. To survive you must put yourself first. Let DH have his moaning. He is not your Problem to fix. He has thinks you have to fix him. But if only he can.

also you can divorce him. That is also ok

Please see your GP. They can get you some help to deal with this.
this isn’t a wait and see and I’ll come out the other side in 2/3yrs time, this is post natal depression/anxiety that there is treatment for!

your Husband…he can wait until you’re getting the help you need and then you can sort that side of things but he shouldn’t be drinking daily and def no more bbq’s with too much alcohol that he’s spouting off!

Oh lady. Please stop beating yourself up for feeling so sad. Motherhood is tough work. It’s the biggest physical, emotional and mental change that any woman can go through. These feelings that you’re having are so common and you are not the only mum who has ever felt like this. It’s not OK for you to feel sad and cry every day though and you should speak with your GP or Health Visitor. There’s no shame in it whatsoever and there’s no pressure for any treatment and whatever treatment is decided upon won’t be forever (if that’s what you’re worried about). I had the same feelings as you do after both of my babies, more so with my second. It took me by surprise as I didn’t expect to feel like I did and I was worried about admitting how I felt. I found even just confiding in my HV was enough to make me realise that I wasn’t alone in the way that I felt. You will find yourself again and you owe it to yourself to feel better every day than you currently do because you’re doing so much for your baby already. You sound like a great mum. Please be kind to yourself.

As for your husband, he needs to wind his neck in and bide his time. It’s OK for him to miss the couple that you once were but his main focus should be on supporting you (and your son). As for his disclosure at the family BBQ, it was out of order. He embarrassed you and he should be told as such. To me it sounds like you give him lots of affection, far more than myself or my husband have had since having our kids!

It sounds like there’s two separate but concurrent issues here.

The first is the anxiety that you’re dealing with. I’ve been there and understand how overwhelming this can be. I’d strongly recommend seeking medical assistance on this. You asked upthread “ what can they do”? You’re correct that the answer might be nothing, and in that case you’ve lost nothing. But the answer might also be a something that you find genuinely helpful.

The second issue is a DH issue. He’s told you, in these exact words, that he resents DS’s needs being met before his wants, and that he’s upset that you don’t prioritise his access to your body above your own mental health. To “punish” you for this he made a choice to humiliate you in front of his family. It seem to me that there’s a bigger issue that needs to be explored at some point.

You’ve said that he does his fair share of parenting and housework, but it almost reads like he has underlying ulterior motives with this too - for example you mentioned that he’ll do housework alongside you “ so that you have time to cuddle on the sofa afterwards”.

If there’s a pattern of him expecting/ hoping for a trade off to his equal participation in a household he’s equally a member of, he’s possibly not the great husband and father he thinks of himself as.

My GP was really supportive when I spoke to them about post partum depression/anxiety so definitely recommend you speak to them. I think this is also the worst part adjusting to being back at work, being apart from DC and figuring out how to juggle all of that while still being sleep deprived. I second whoever said can you have an evening or two out of the house a week and do things that help you feel like you again

Go and see your GP as it’s ok to ask for help. You will feel like yourself one day again but you likely need a bit of help to do so and there is no sense in waiting another 3 or 4 years. It will be ok but you need to ask for some help.

I think you need to make more time for DH, he obviously feels he doesn't get any of you anymore- his outburst whilst drunk means he isn't satisfied with the sex you are having either.
I understand you probably feel overwhelmed and that DS has all your attention, but you need to make time for you and DH- you are losing yourself, ultimately that will do no one any good , including your DS. Possibly some counselling, not wanting to be touched, even after a long day makes it sound like your mental health is fragile- you need support.

Op please read yoir own posts. Its not just Postnatal depression or bit of anxiety. Its impacting on your life in a large way.
If you cant talk then print your posts and take them to GP or find a therapist.

OP cant pull capacity out of nowhere though. She’s fully aware that her husband “ doesn’t feel he get’s enough of her” but she has nothing left to give at the moment.

Her husband is an adult who (hopefully) cares about her physical and mental health, likely isnt suffering from post partum depression and hasn’t just had to deal with returning to work whilst still nursing and feeling anxious about leaving the tiny human that he grew and birthed. Under the circumstances, HE could try to be more empathetic and in tune with what the OP needs. This isn’t all on her, nor should it be.

I think this man needs to bloody well grow up, stop being a selfish pig and consider his wifes needs and feelings
WTAF!
He talked about their sex life in graphic detail in front of their family
I would never ever be able to forgive my DH, the trust would be dead and our marriage over

OP, I am married to a consultant psychiatrist who specialised in mothers and babies. You absolutely must see your GP. You are right that lots of people get depressed and there are some great treatments out there but that doesn’t make it any less serious. You definitely need help and you cannot and should not struggle on your own with this.
The GP will completely understand and you will be treated with kindness and compassion. The practice will be organised for this and you are likely to feel a bit better when you take the first step of speaking with a health professional. Your child is one now and you sound like you’ve been struggling with depression for quite a while. The overwhelming anxiety that you feel is part of the illness and that, too, will lift with successful treatment. You are likely to make a full recovery and you could better really quite quickly. Please don’t leave it any longer because it could get worse without treatment. But in a couple of months with treatment, you could be feeling so much better.
There is nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. This can happen to any mum. In fact you’ve been absolutely heroic struggling on and managing so well when you are ill. Please go to the doctor, OP and be completely honest about how you feel and about the overwhelming sadness that’s engulfed you. It’s not optional. Your husband is struggling too. Once you have the help you need, he’ll start to feel less helpless. Your baby deserves a happy mum and you deserve to get your life back. Please make an emergency appointment tomorrow and let us know how you get on. I’m really rooting for you and sending you all the love. ❤️ And if you do want to have another baby, there is a prenatal service which will support you through any future pregnancy to ensure this doesn’t happen again.

And what should she give up to make this time? Her baby? Her minimal sleep? Any time she has for herself at all? And is it fine if her skin is crawling because she just doesn’t want to be touched, because she owes him physical contact and that’s more important than her comfort and mental health?

Thank you so much for all of your kind and thoughtful responses. I really do appreciate everyone taking the time to reply.

I do feel there have been quite a few assumptions made about what I know regarding my mental health. I'm a doctor (although not a GP or psychiatrist) so I have enough insight to recognise that I'm struggling. Whether it's postnatal depression, general depression, anxiety, or a combination of things, I'm not entirely sure yet. What I do know is that I've had a lot of significant life changes over the past year and they've had a real impact on my mental health.

I also wanted to address the suggestions about medication. I completely understand that people are recommending it because they're concerned and I appreciate that it comes from a good place. However, at this stage it isn't something I want to pursue. I'm 37 years old and until recently, I've generally had good mental health. The things I am struggling with, that cause me sadness are just laughable, not rational at all. I'd much rather seek counselling and work through what I'm feeling with the right support first. If things change then that's something I can discuss with my own doctor, but for now I'd really appreciate not being encouraged to go on medication.

I've also seen comments in regards to me being unhappy at work. The reality is I've only just returned to work. Of course I feel sad sometimes when I'm at work but it's not because of the job itself, I love my job. It's because I miss my son and want to be with him. I think that's a pretty normal feeling for many parents returning to work after having a baby.

Regarding my husband, I completely understand why people were concerned after what I shared about the BBQs. I wasn't happy with the way he spoke to me either and we've had several conversations about it. He has apologised sincerely more than once and I don't want to keep holding it over him when he has acknowledged it and is trying to do better. Like me, he's adjusting to a huge life change. We went from it being just the two of us to becoming parents, and everyone adapts differently. That doesn't mean he isn't supportive. He is a very loving and involved dad makes sure I get time to myself, shares the night feeds, gets up early with our son, helps around the house, and we're also incredibly lucky to have his parents nearby, who have been a huge source of support.

The biggest struggle is actually my anxiety. I constantly feel like I'm the only person who can keep my son safe. Rationally, I know that isn't true, but anxiety isn't always rational and it's something I'm actively trying to work on.

I came here because I needed somewhere to let my feelings out and to feel less alone. I wasn't trying to paint my husband as a bad person or suggest that I'm doing everything on my own. I was simply sharing how overwhelming things have felt from my perspective while I've been struggling.

Thank you again to everyone who has shown kindness and concern

Thank you for responding, I hope you find the right solution for you.

OP, I wish you well but I am getting a distinct vibe of "Cobbler's children" or "Doctor heal Thyself" here.

Your anxiety absolutely is an issue and you should address it. By therapy and/or meds. So i hope you do.

Your depression is also an issue and if you don't want to take meds, that's fine, but I would absolutely get on with whatever you need to do to process that. I'd also recommend getting a general blood test to test for any thing you might be missing.

Meanwhile, your DH's behaviur is not okay and yes, it's good he's apologised. BUT, the reality is that as a result of how he behaved, you are on here talking about your depressing, taking responsibility for the fact that you are touched out and there's nothing here about what you think HE can and should do differently. He might be struggling too, but that's on him and you have every right to expect him to do the same work to deal with it that you are embarking on.

Yes, FIL would have hit the roof with DH or BIL if they’d done that. His parents must be very embarrassed by his behaviour.

Get some help, OP. But also make it clear to DH that he needs to grow up. For a start I’d be telling him that if he starts drinking like that again I’ll leave him where you are because I’m not staying to be embarrassed again by his awful drunken behaviour.

Thank you for letting us know this. It makes a huge difference. I’ve been so worried about you. Having said that, your comments that the GP would laugh at you, that your mother and sisters all suffered, and that you feel embarrassed and ashamed are all alarming, especially given your medical experience.
You must know that nobody would laugh at you and if a patient with your symptoms presented in your clinic, you would treat them with utmost compassion. Doctors often make the most challenging patients, as you will know. I would still urge you to see your GP or to confide in a colleague you trust. The anxiety about your baby is a classic sign of PND and it sounds quite serious. I do hope you find the solution that works for you.

Thank you. I appreciate the concern, and I do agree that my anxiety is something I need to address which is why I'm planning to seek counselling.
I think the part I'd push back on is the assumption that because I haven't written about what my husband should be doing differently it means those conversations haven't happened. This is an online forum not a complete account of our relationship, so I haven't included every discussion we've had.
He knows I wasn't okay with how he was acting at his parents, he embarrassed me but I do not see any point in holding that over him for the rest of time, if there is changed behaviour.

We're also navigating a completely new stage of our relationship. For a long time it was just the two of us, doing whatever we wanted and now we're learning how to be parents together. It's been a huge adjustment for both of us in different ways. That doesn't excuse the way he acted, but I also don't think one difficult period defines our entire relationship or him as a person.

I don't feel the need to document every conversation we've had or every expectation I've set with him on the internet to validate that those things have happened. I came here to vent really about how I was feeling as a new mum.

I also do not believe just because I am a doctor I know best but I do know myself and do know the mental health stats and know that I do not need medication because my issues cannot be fixed by medication and do not think people online should be recommending medication to people. Counselling is more likely to help me manage my anxiety over my son than medication I do not want to rely on meds and that is not a bad thing and it does not mean that I know everything, it just means that I have the autonomy to decide.

I do agree that we're both responsible for working on ourselves and supporting each other through this transition and that's exactly what we would like to do and are trying to do.

He sounds very hard work, very needy and the BBQ sex chat is absolutely horrendous.

I am 11 weeks postpartum on Friday. Couple of weeks back, one of the community midwives told me men too can suffer with postpartum depression. Awful but fascinating. We go through the works as women but the men do too. I totally get what you're saying. The idea of sex like before is a great one. But push come to shove and laid in bed finally after all the spit up, cleaning, cleaning again, washing, kids squabbling.. I just couldn't think of anything worse. I have had one orgasm in 4 months. That's pretty sad and depressing in itsself. Starting a family is a beautiful thing. But my god it's certainly no walk in the park. I'd suggest a very deep and meaningful conversation. Tell him exactly how you feel and ask him questions too. Try meet in the middle somewhere. Also, this won't last forever. Xx

I think there are two separate issues. You likely have ppd and ppa, but seem resistant to getting help. I can see why this is frustrating for your husband.

The second issue is that despite him being practically helpful, he seems emotionally very needy. He has said it himself, he is jealous of the baby, of how much time and physical affection you give the baby. He has apologised for saying this at the bbq, but have you actually discussed this as an issue - rather than discussing how he raised the issue. I'm not sure what he expects you to do if you're at capacity and he wants more from you - give less to the baby? Ignore your feelings of being burnt / touched out and cuddle him anyway? I think it's a bit shit to continue to put this on you while you've got such a young baby and clearly aren't well.

Usually GPs usually can only offer medication. Counselling could be helpful, with the right person. Somewhere as an outlet and to work through the adjustment. I had PPD and found counselling helpful.

I don't think it's fair to say I'm resistant to getting help. I'm absolutely open to getting help; I just don't want to take anti depressants etc.

Realistically, my GP is unlikely to be able to offer counselling straight away, and if they do, it will probably involve a long waiting list. I'd rather pay for counselling myself so I can start sooner. I know counselling isn't a quick fix it's not one session and suddenly everything is okay. I simply want the support and the tools to better manage what I'm experiencing.

I do find it a little surprising that so many people have recommended medication, with some even messaging me suggesting specific drugs like sertraline. I work in the medical field and prescribe medication regularly, but I would never recommend a prescription medication to someone online when I don't know their full medical history. I know those suggestions are coming from a place of kindness, but it's a decision I'd rather make with my own/ GP.

Regarding my husband, I think there are a few assumptions being made. We have discussed what happened not just the way he raised it, but the underlying issues as well. I also don't think it's accurate to say that he expects me to give less to our son. If anything he actively encourages me to take time for myself.

I meet friends, go out, or simply have some time to myself because he wants me to have that break, and he genuinely enjoys spending one on one time bonding with him.The difficulty is that I struggle to switch off. Even when I'm out, I'll find myself texting him asking for photos and videos, wanting to facetime them , wondering whether our son is happy, whether he's enjoyed the food I've made for him, whether he's settled, and generally worrying about him. That's not because my husband is making me feel guilty or because he can't cope it's because my anxiety convinces me I need to know what my son is doing every minute we're apart.

We're both adjusting to a huge life change. For many years it was just the two of us, and now we're learning how to be parents together. Neither of us has handled every moment perfectly, neither of us are perfect parents, it is new to both of us, we are almost a year in, we will get better, we both wanted to have a child and we both love him more than anything, but we're communicating, supporting one another, and figuring it out together. An internet post on MN can only ever provide a snapshot of a relationship not the whole picture.

This will not last forever and who knows maybe in a years time, I will want another child and go through this all again.