Urgent help needed please

[WingingItSince1973]

I'll try and be brief but I do have older posts on here if anyone needs background. So my daughter has a 10 year son who has been through so much in his short life. Abusive dad and then abusive step dad. Been hell. She got with another man two years ago. He had been in prison for domestic violence and the judge even said he was a dangerous man. She tried to reassure me he wasn't like that and it was a mistake. They got a private rent house together and he was now I see love bombing her and gs being the amazing partner and ,'stepfather'. My dgs had only just settled in school after years of school anxiety (he was on child protection from age 8 months to 2 years old because of his dad and we were asked to be his kin ship carer) My daughter seemed really settled, good well paying job etc. She had a baby 9 weeks ago and from a few weeks after the birth he has started being abusive. Refusing to help with baby, calling her the worst names possible in text and shouting them to her face. My dgs also told me he's been so scared in his house due to this man shouting at my DD even with the baby near her. So he was meant to leave today and it's all kicked off. My dgs has been staying with me because he's too scared to be in the house with her partner. My DD called me in the week sobbing because he'd kicked off and she couldn't take it anymore. So my dgs refused to go home this morning to get changed for school. He's had a few days off sick. He's also being bullied at school and is so anxious. I asked my DD if the partner was there and she said no but the way she was texting me I felt like she was lying. My dgs went home (it's a two min walk I can see her house from here) and the partner was there and immediately started on dgs so he ran back to mine. The partner was meant to be moving out today but he apologised to my DD and dgs on Wednesday which I saw coming and I don't think he is actually leaving today. My DD keeps messaging me that I need to send him home but he's refusing and now shes phoning me playing everything down and saying she hates me and will never confide in me again. It's been a very strained relationship since dgs was born and shes made some stupid decisions which has been negative to my dgs. I'm being made out now that I'm spoiling dgs. She's demanding him home that hes a child and needs to do what he's told. I'm doubting myself. Please pleas help

I know it's hard @WingingItSince1973 but you are doing the right things. Talking to the health visitor is a good idea. TBH, the more agencies who know about this the better, they do exchange information and a better picture is formed because of it.

Second this. It's very hard I am sure but you are absolutely right and have the dgc best interests at heart

It's all gone wrong. The police went to my daughter's house and said I had called them. Shes furious with me and is back with the partner and they are having a family BBQ with his family. My dgs messaged me to say he's ok. I'm furious with the police. My DD does get nasty with me and has history of cutting me off then needing my help. Honestly the last 11 years have been a nightmare. Do I call social services now,? The police clearly have all the information about him and his history so why have they done this?? I'm beyond gutted.

Yes, phone social services now. Tell them everything. Tell them that things have escalated in the last 5 weeks, since the baby was 2 weeks old.

Your Dd is not able to prioritise her children’s needs above her own. She has proved this before. There’s now an incredibly vulnerable baby in the picture.

Please phone now.

That is so bad of the police. Why on earth did they do that

Yes phone Social Services, your DGS won't be safely in school this week, it's half-term term holiday.
It would have been better to ring SS rather than police last week but we are where we are. Explain everything that you have said on here, you don't need to doubt yourself, you know your DD puts herself and her man before her children and their needs.

Who told you that the police said that? Her? She's lying. She's lying to keep you out of the picture.

Phone social services, Women's Aid, whoever. You need some support with this. And you also need to ensure that you yourself are safe. They're too close for comfort and you know it.

Hate to say it, but reading between the lines it sounds as if your daughter has addiction problems. You don't stop being an addict because you're TTC. You might not be taking the junk for a while but you're still an addict, and if you're not doing anything to deal with your addiction, then you'll be straight back to it (in some form or another). The tell tale sign, to be honest, is the endless drag of unsuitable partners. Her choice. The kids are mixed up in it and it's not their choice.

Op did the police tell you this? Or, by any chance, your daughter?

I wouldn't trust anything your daughter tells you @WingingItSince1973

Ah complete sympathy for you OP. I remember when I spoke up against my sister and after I cut off from social worker she rang my sister telling her I had phoned with concerns. I'll never forget it. You build courage to speak up and then it just feels so intimidating to be outed.

That being said, from reading your posts you 100% did the right thing and now you have been "outed" I do feel like you have nothing left but to preserve and keep pushing such as speaking to school health visitor etc. As the relationship may already be damaged, you now need to push through and not back down, as your daughter will see your concerns and if you go quiet now, she will just always think why did my mom randomly ring police. But I would hope someone in the system would take your concerns better.

I'm waiting on a call back from the police. What I think has happened is they have been round to see her and her and the partner have told them there's no problem and they have just guessed it was me as all through the week my DD and myself have said that we will call the police if he refuses to leave and becomes aggressive. The way she's talking to me now is that I've done something terribly wrong. I saw this coming. When I say he's 100% text book

This
phone the police now for further advice
this sounds horrific

So you have not spoke to the police but rather all this has come from your daughter?

Just spoken to a lovely officer she said they will look into it and she would be very surprised if they told her. To be honest I'm surprised the neighbours havent phoned them as he was banging and shouting in the front garden last week when she locked him out as she was scared. She's gone into defensive mode against me again. I think I've had deleted the previous posts from a few years ago when she disappeared for 4 months and left the dgs with us. She was taking cocaine alot and other drugs and then she came back and had dgs back, got a good job but then ended up with a new partner who was a drug dealer. She stayed with him for two years in which my dgs would scream and beg me not to take him home because he was scared. She split with him 2 years ago and immediately got with this now partner who is a gangster wannabe and very aggressive when he talks but also love bombed her so much so she had a baby. They both did recreational drugs until she was trying to conceive. My dgs heard him tell her he didn't want me involved with the new baby and his family especially his mum have all banded around my dgs and I think she enjoys their attention. I will phone social services but I'm so worried about our safety and he's from a very volatile family who all stood by him when he was sent to prison. Sorry I'm rambling. The police will let me know what the outcome of my complaint is and she said I can call them back anytime. I can't visibly keep eye on them now but am so so worried for my dgs as he's so sensitive and adores his mum.

*DD instead of dgs

You need to talk to Social Services yourself @WingingItSince1973 , as a priority. There will be an emergency duty worker available today and it will be back to normal from tomorrow.

Can I suggest that you make some notes about your concerns (past and present, although there will be a record of their previous involvement) and you need to stress what your DGS has said about his aggression. It's easy during a phone call like that to forget even important things and having a bit of a timeline to refer to can be helpful.

At the moment your DD is not bothered about her relationship with you and you know is not prioritising her children. She has choices (and is making poor ones) but they do not. She has allowed an unsafe man into their lives and one saving grace is that someone who has been imprisoned for DV will be considered clearly such. He can't deny the massive red flags that all the authorities will see.

Thank you for all you're replies. I've contacted social services today and the lady has put my name for a call back from a social worker within the hour. I'm in such torment because my daughter was so happy when she had the baby and seemed to be finally in a good place and as I said he only started acting out two weeks after she was born. Up until then he couldn't do enough for her. I hope I haven't made a mistake. This will end our relationship and I doubt I'll see my granddaughter but I'm so worried for my dgs. Please someone reassure me.

Abuse starting after a birth is a known problem. Remember none of this is your fault. You're acting in the kids' best interest when no one else is.

You are doing the right thing by your DGC and at the moment that's the important thing. They are safer with this being out in public and with the right authorities involved than waiting for the next blow up by your DDS partner and noone knowing.

It's well known that domestic abuse of all kinds often starts with a pregnancy/birth. Your DD has a history of chaotic behaviour/relationships and when this one ends, as the others have, it would be the time to encourage her to get therapy/help to break the cycle she's engaged in. In the meantime carry on doing what you are, because it is right. Sadly some children are stuck in these situations without the protection and care of loving relatives. I sincerely wish you all the best.

You've done exactly the right thing, which is to prioritise your grand children's welfare and wellbeing.
Hopefully somebody will be able to garner your DGS views and listen to him.
I hope that social work will act robustly to protect your grandchildren, also to support your daughter to break the cycle of abusive relationships.

You have absolutely done the right thing and I hope in time your daughter will see that too

100% you've done the right thing OP.

You have 100% done the right thing. Can I add that the NSPCC are also amazingly supportive and helpful in situations like this.

You’ve done the right thing. Your daughter doesn’t deserve to be a mother, what the hell is she thinking?! Those children are trapped in an abusive home because she’s so desperate for a “man” she’ll accept the dregs.

People like them shouldn’t be allowed to have children.

Have you spoken with SS? Did they call back?

What support do you have? Do you have a partner?