Urgent help needed please

[WingingItSince1973]

I'll try and be brief but I do have older posts on here if anyone needs background. So my daughter has a 10 year son who has been through so much in his short life. Abusive dad and then abusive step dad. Been hell. She got with another man two years ago. He had been in prison for domestic violence and the judge even said he was a dangerous man. She tried to reassure me he wasn't like that and it was a mistake. They got a private rent house together and he was now I see love bombing her and gs being the amazing partner and ,'stepfather'. My dgs had only just settled in school after years of school anxiety (he was on child protection from age 8 months to 2 years old because of his dad and we were asked to be his kin ship carer) My daughter seemed really settled, good well paying job etc. She had a baby 9 weeks ago and from a few weeks after the birth he has started being abusive. Refusing to help with baby, calling her the worst names possible in text and shouting them to her face. My dgs also told me he's been so scared in his house due to this man shouting at my DD even with the baby near her. So he was meant to leave today and it's all kicked off. My dgs has been staying with me because he's too scared to be in the house with her partner. My DD called me in the week sobbing because he'd kicked off and she couldn't take it anymore. So my dgs refused to go home this morning to get changed for school. He's had a few days off sick. He's also being bullied at school and is so anxious. I asked my DD if the partner was there and she said no but the way she was texting me I felt like she was lying. My dgs went home (it's a two min walk I can see her house from here) and the partner was there and immediately started on dgs so he ran back to mine. The partner was meant to be moving out today but he apologised to my DD and dgs on Wednesday which I saw coming and I don't think he is actually leaving today. My DD keeps messaging me that I need to send him home but he's refusing and now shes phoning me playing everything down and saying she hates me and will never confide in me again. It's been a very strained relationship since dgs was born and shes made some stupid decisions which has been negative to my dgs. I'm being made out now that I'm spoiling dgs. She's demanding him home that hes a child and needs to do what he's told. I'm doubting myself. Please pleas help

Ah that makes sense. The fact he's on that list though and also on a report naming him as one of so many local dangerous men would be enough for SS to look into it if hope.

@WingingItSince1973 I just want to say that you sound like a WONDERFUL mother. You deserve so much better and you sound like the best carer for your grandson. Keep on fighting - he's worth it.

You can probably find him on judiciary.uk under judgements and see what the judge said

So my DH received a message from DD saying social services phoned her and I'm a vicious nasty woman with a serious mental health problem who she doesn't want me to see the kids until I've got help!!! This is definitely something that the partner would have got her to say as despite whatever me and dd have gone through she would absolutely never stop me seeing dgs. She said they will get an injunction to stop me coming near them. He's absolutely won hasn't he. All the authorities are going to believe them.

Hopefully not OP. There's enough evidence from what you said that people should see through the veneer.
Stay strong OP.

@WingingItSince1973 they will see right through them, don't worry. Keep the faith. It's uncomfortable now, but you absolutely did the RIGHT thing! Never regret or apologise for protecting your dgs ❤️

Of course the authorities won't believe them @WingingItSince1973
That's just him talking shit.

I'm feeling like I've wrecked my dds life. 😞

You haven’t.

I have done everything for my dgs. She would take herself abroad on holiday with whatever man she was with and I would have dgs. He only ever had a holiday with us. Then they took him away twice last year and all of a sudden she's the best parent ever. My dgs is massive into dinosaurs and we would have such fun taking his dinosaurs out and exploring parks and nature etc. It's only been the last year she's doing a few more things with him though most revolve around a pub and alot of drinking. The partner was disqualified from driving in 2024 after drink driving. He was so far over the limit but to my DD he said he only had a few drinks and they picked on him. I learned today that he missed his community service obligations in march and was fined. He's been trying to get his licence back and had been so angry that they haven't released it yet. He has to have a medical and drug and drink samples sent off first. He is so so confrontational in everything. Even talking to him normally his voice is raised and he speaks so fast and ignores anything you say. He can sell snow to the Eskimos he's that confident. He will be so nice and friendly to the police or social services. They are painting me out to be the mad one and not safe around my dgs. Sorry I need to stop spiralling but he's really got to me how he had managed to turn all this around x

It’s the middle of the night. You are tired and distressed. You are being treated as a punching bag and unfortunately, your imagination doesn’t need to work hard to wonder what’s happening in that house.

She says she’ll going to get an injunction against you and you are sure it’s coming from him. Well, you know he doesn’t get off his arse to help himself do anything. And it will cost money. Do you think he will spend that money?

Your poor daughter drops her son off when it suits her. Do you think she will give up that luxury for ever?

It’s quite possible that someone in the house is having a temper tantrum. You have to hang in there. Right now, you have to trust the process. Have a couple of days off from contacting her. Allow tempers to settle.

Tomorrow is always a new day. This isn’t a sprint you are part of, it’s a marathon. It’s full of hurdles, obstacles, swerves and swamps. Take it slowly. Hang onto the knowledge that you are doing the right thing. Right now, have a cocoa and go to bed. You need your sleep. Mumsnet will be here in the morning.

I've only just found your thread @WingingItSince1973, but I just wanted to agree with @TheSandgroper that you need to trust the process.

You have done all the right things. You've made your moves, and I know it must be agony watching the fall out while you wait for the Police and Social Services to make theirs, but not as agonising as it would be if this horror of a man hurts your DGS and you hadn't tried to stop it.

You're doing everything a decent Mother (and Grandmother) should do, and your DD will eventually realise you are simply trying to keep her and your DGC safe.

There are some great posts above @WingingItSince1973 . Your DD has had significant Social Services involvement in the past due to an abusive partner and this one has been to prison for DV. There is also a very tiny baby involved. It doesn't matter how 'charming' he is to the authorites, these are hard facts and while of course they don't always get it right, all you can do is trust the process, talk to DGS school and the HV and importantly take care of yourself.

*Even talking to him normally his voice is raised and he speaks so fast and ignores anything you say." That and the extreme confidence makes me think he's using cocaine, could be wrong of course , but it is something the professionals involved should be able to spot.

Hi. I'm reading every comment and I'm so so grateful for your kindness. So at 630 am my dgs phoned me. He said he was absolutely fine and everyone at the house was happy. He asked if he could come over today and I had to explain to him in a not too frightening way that I don't think he will be allowed because of what happened last week I had to phone some people and it's made his mum and partner very cross with me. I asked him if he had heard anything and he said he hadn't. But he took it all quite calmly so I'm really surprised that he wouldn't know. He certainly knew that his mum discovered him messaging young women just after the baby was born and the arguing that happened because of it. I've told him that he's welcome to come here at any time and don't worry about what his mum would say. I also said that if he finds he can't message me or phone then to cally DH or my DD (his aunty)

As regards cocaine usage. They were using most weekends which makes sense to the way the partner talks and to his aggressive, paranoid demeanor. My DD was a cocaine user before he came along. When she house shared with a lovely girl and my dgs the girl ended up moving out because my DD was constantly doing it in the house. My dgs didn't want to live there either. I really feel I've been too blasé.

I also now know that my DD had decided to stay with him on Wednesday last week so she was just playing along letting dgs come here and then picking him up from school on Friday and taking him home and obviously convincing him he's safe to stay.

I can't see the authorities doing anything. Obviously they don't think it's urgent as dgs is still there. Last time they removed him from my DD and gave him straight to me. But he was a baby then. Does anyone know what I should do now. Or just wait and see. I feel a lot better today now that dgs has phoned me and we've chatted. I do think him phoning that early when they were all asleep tells me that he knows what's going on as he knows that is super early for me. I'm gutted I fell for her lies again but I also know she has this man and his family supporting her.

Have you considered that the texts you got may have been sent by shit partner rather than your DD? He may have deleted the sent message and then blocked you, so your daughter might not be aware.

I don't think you should have told your DGS that you called SS!

The messages were mainly my daughter. I told my dgs that I had called someone for advice. I said it in a very delicate way. With her ex partner he used to tell my dgs that I don't want him at my house if he's naughty or doesn't clean his room properly. He made my dgs so anxious that I didn't want him.here so yes I am telling him very basic things so that he doesn't worry. What I'm typing on here is the very basic information. There's a 10 year history of my dgs being involved with her abusive partners. He still talks about the previous partner and how bad things were. So yes I'm reassuring my dgs that I am doing what I can to protect him.

This must be so difficult for you, but how you are trying to protect your grandchildren is 100%.
But you need the professionals to listen and to protect the children.
There are so many significant factors, such as domestic abuse, substance abuse, criminality etc. which impacts on the children's welfare. The professionals will see you as a protective factor particularly for your DGS.
In my experience, sadly it's not unusual for parents to groom and coach children about what to say to professionals. They will often scare them, by saying that they will be put into a children's home. It's vital that children's voices are heard, listened to and ascertaining their views from an advocacy worker. It's sometimes a good idea to suggest that they phone Childline.
Have you managed to speak to the health visitor yet?
The professionals will use the evidence that they have, I.e. criminal records, health records and information from education. An injunction cannot be granted without evidence.

It did sound like he was trying to not say anything. I haven't heard from.HV yet. Shall I chase social services. They will think I'm just an interfering nan and they have most likely said I have mental health problems, which is absolutely not the case. I just don't know what to do. He doesn't go back to school until Monday x

How did your grandson message you if they’ve blocked your number on his phone?
I’d be worried it was someone else.

I must have been wrong about the blocking. It was him I spoke to him. He said they were all asleep as it was 630am

SS and HV seem to be taking their time?

Social Services etc don't go steaming in unless there is an immediate threat. They may need chasing up, but the likelihood is that they are forming as full a picture as they can before doing anything.

As far as I can tell @WingingItSince1973 hasn't spoken to the HV yet.

@Uricon2 I have no experience in this area but it seems really shocking that there has been no action taken. Especially because OP dsg was removed from OP dd, albeit a few years ago. I hope she gets an opportunity to speak to the HV very soon, although the SS and other support OP has sought so far seems blasé.

@WingingItSince1973 I really feel for you. You have taken all of the right steps and seem to be being let down by the system again.

Hope you're managed to have contact, with the professionals dealing with your grandchildren.

@WingingItSince1973 how are things? 💐