Urgent help needed please

[WingingItSince1973]

I'll try and be brief but I do have older posts on here if anyone needs background. So my daughter has a 10 year son who has been through so much in his short life. Abusive dad and then abusive step dad. Been hell. She got with another man two years ago. He had been in prison for domestic violence and the judge even said he was a dangerous man. She tried to reassure me he wasn't like that and it was a mistake. They got a private rent house together and he was now I see love bombing her and gs being the amazing partner and ,'stepfather'. My dgs had only just settled in school after years of school anxiety (he was on child protection from age 8 months to 2 years old because of his dad and we were asked to be his kin ship carer) My daughter seemed really settled, good well paying job etc. She had a baby 9 weeks ago and from a few weeks after the birth he has started being abusive. Refusing to help with baby, calling her the worst names possible in text and shouting them to her face. My dgs also told me he's been so scared in his house due to this man shouting at my DD even with the baby near her. So he was meant to leave today and it's all kicked off. My dgs has been staying with me because he's too scared to be in the house with her partner. My DD called me in the week sobbing because he'd kicked off and she couldn't take it anymore. So my dgs refused to go home this morning to get changed for school. He's had a few days off sick. He's also being bullied at school and is so anxious. I asked my DD if the partner was there and she said no but the way she was texting me I felt like she was lying. My dgs went home (it's a two min walk I can see her house from here) and the partner was there and immediately started on dgs so he ran back to mine. The partner was meant to be moving out today but he apologised to my DD and dgs on Wednesday which I saw coming and I don't think he is actually leaving today. My DD keeps messaging me that I need to send him home but he's refusing and now shes phoning me playing everything down and saying she hates me and will never confide in me again. It's been a very strained relationship since dgs was born and shes made some stupid decisions which has been negative to my dgs. I'm being made out now that I'm spoiling dgs. She's demanding him home that hes a child and needs to do what he's told. I'm doubting myself. Please pleas help

Your daughter fell for it because she needs therapy to figure out what’s going on with her in that aspect. A string of abusive men isn’t normal, there’s something within her that she’ll need to address, not only for her sake but for her children.

The best way to get urgent help is to contact grandson’s school, ask to speak to a DSL urgently and they will take it from there. You really do need to do this, and it needs to happen today, preferably before lunch time so that the relevant actions can be taken this afternoon before half term. I am a DSL, please OP, you have a duty to do this.

You should have called the police ages ago. You know full well his history and her lack of concern about it. Plus your grandson has run to your home scared loads of times, so you’re fully aware too. Just break the cycle. Be the catalyst that in 10 years time your grandson can say his life positively changed because of your intervention. Because as this point, clearly there is a cycle of abuse he cannot stop by virtue of being a child and no adult around him has meaningfully helped. Even you, you said you suspected your daughter was lying about the man being at her house but you told your grandson to go there anyway, only for him to find out the hard way that in fact, the man was there.

OP well done for taking action; as everyone else has said, this is the right thing to do.

Actually I think that a call to 999, rather than 101, is in order. There is definitely a real risk of imminent harm (i.e. a crime) occurring here. I would phone back and escalate it with the police if you can.

And yes, I understand your reluctance but please report to social services immediately.

Do you have any relatives/friends who can be around to provide support for you and your daughter?

It must be absolutely horrendous to feel that this could cause a permanent rift with your daughter, but you are doing this for her own good and you are putting your two grandchildren first when your daughter can't/won't. As others have said, she is vulnerable too, and you are actually putting her wellbeing first as well, even though she can't see it yet. You are doing exactly what a mum and grandma should do.

oh yes - I agree, call the DSL at your grandson's school and insist on speaking to them today. If they aren't immediately available, leave a message that there is a serious safeguarding concern regarding your grandson and it requires immediate attention today before the bank holiday, and you need to speak to the DSL (or the Head if DSL not there) asap today.

I'm so so sorry you're going through this OP!!

Definitely get the police involved.

Blimey, what a shit situation. As others have said, you need to put the young children first. Your daughter might thank you one day.

You need to call social services etc because it's better than a dead grandson, granddaughter, or daughter.
Be the kinship carer.
Your daughter needs therapy and the freedom programme if she keeps choosing abusive men despite being warned.

OP you protect your DGC they need you. Unfortunately your DD is either playing it down through fear or because she is so stupid she can't see what is so very obvious. You're doing the right thing to get authorities involved. Do you still have an active kinship for your GS?

With respect, your daughter has put all of her partners ahead of your grandson so even if he does leave, your daughter is not a safe person for him to be with.

Her not allowing him back cannot be guaranteed so your grandson needs to be protected from her and her choices.

Unfortunately she is the one that is choosing unsuitable partners and moving them into her house with her child.

Your daughter is an adult and can make decisions, even bad ones. Your grandson does not agency to survive under his own steam.

I am not ignoring the baby, but their needs are different just now. You must do right by your grandson to ensure his safety as he has no other safe adult at the moment.

Agree with calling the school right now.

The absolute priority here are the children.

Your daughter is making bad decisions and is unable to keep her children safe.

Well done on trying to keep your dgs safe for starters. I am glad he has you.
Your DD is in a vulnerable position here as PP have commented and I strongly suggest SS are flagged and hopefully they can intervene here.
If you fall out with DD I think it will be worth it for the safety of the children

I only found out his history when someone mentioned something so I googled him and then told my DD. She said it was mistake and he had the backing of his family and friends etc etc. Yes I know what that sounds like. Then she fell pregnant. I've been protecting my dgs from day one of his life. He has lived with me in the past and stays here most weekends. I do school run everyday day since he started school as my DD worked full-time. They live close to me so I have kept my eye on things and my dgs seemed quite settled, yes I know now this was all just getting them comfortable with him. This has all just imploded this week and my lovely dgs has told me it's been going on since two weeks after the baby was born so 7 weeks ago and he felt he couldn't tell me. So Tuesday when she called me over in tears I said to dgs to goto mine to sleep and he can stay for as long as he wants and until the partner moves out which was meant to be today but I didn't see any evidence of him leaving and I know DD has taken the baby to the partners mum a few times this week so no doubt has had her playing it down. The partner then made this big show of an apology on Wednesday which looks like she's fallen for it again. She does have good friends and they want her to leave him as they know he is dangerous. My dgs will be staying here for the foreseeable. He has a bedroom here anyway and my husband and younger daughter (19) are here too and he has a fabulous family with my in-laws and all his cousins. We do have a really good supportive network of family and friends. I don't speak to my mother because of her abusing me which I think is where I get my skewed thinking as she plays things like this down (although she will be revelling in this as my DD went to hers this morning after our exchange) Yes it's a mess. My side of the family is a mess and I've cut them off for my own protection so that's another story. Still waiting for police call back. I'll phone the school too. Thank you for keep telling me I need that as I'm questioning myself.

You're doing the right thing. Your daughter will thank you one day. Keep everyone in the loop , school, social workers, police.
His family obviously minimise what he's done .

Mumsnet will help. Keep talking here if you have nothing else.

Some people will screech all sorts of things but, if you keep posting and reading, women here with knowledge will post very good advice,

Keep talking with the mums of Mumsnet. Keep doing what is right. Stay strong.

Just here to cheerlead you OP as you do this. It's hars but you are doing exactly the right thing. Abusers are brilliant at screwing with our perceptions and making us doubt ourselves, but you are seeing clearly. Thank god for you being in your GS life, you are a blessing to him. Keep strong and keep fighting for those kids. You have a great family by the sounds of it, and a lot of strangers in your corner, you can do this ❤️

My god this poor child

you need to speak to SS. Now.

and you need to contact his school and tell them EVERYTHING

I volunteer in child protection. Well done for phoning the Police. They will know the perpetrators criminal record and should act robustly to protect the children.
A baby is entirely dependent on their care givers for their very survival. Children are at greater risk from mums new boyfriend.
I hope that in time that your daughter can break the cycle of being in abusive relationships.

Thank you everyone. I spoke to a lovely officer this evening and filled out a Claire's law request and she said to call 999 if anything escalates. My dgs has gone home tonight to sleep after being with his mum after school. Am worried that partner is there. I've asked dd and she's not replied. So I'll probably loose my DD when she finds out but our relationship was always rocky and I hope she understands why I did it x

Sad to update she has taken him back in. My dgs has gone back there too. I've had a reply about the Clare's law and they are looking into it. I must admit I'm really worried about that now. It will set a bomb off if they end up visiting her. She won't speak to me again and I'll loose contact with her and the baby. My dgs hopefully will still be able to come and see me. My DD is a complicated girl. Shes made one bad partner choice after another and doesn't seem to learn. She's made a life for herself with him and his family and turns to his mum, that does hurt but I would never do anything spiteful which I know will be how it looks. I would love nothing better for her to be loving life with her baby and dgs and a loving partner but now it seems he's got his own way and she's posting happy things on social media. It's so hard to watch

I'm also so so sad that once again she's put a man before her son who has struggled all his life because of her choices. He said to me last week he just wishes he had a step dad he could trust. The last one she was with for 18 months was awful and really messed up my dgs. There's always been drugs involved up until she was trying for another baby. She's very stubborn and doesn't do well with me telling her anything straight. She has put us through hell and back the last 11 years and I always pick up the pieces and then yet again she turns against me. I guess it's just waiting game but I have no hesitation to go to hers to check on dgs if he's not been in contact with me.

I may have missed if you have, but you really need to report all this to Children's Social Services @WingingItSince1973 . He's served prison time for DV, your DD is aware of that (even if she's accepting his 'version') so the Clare's law application is redundant really. There is a child protection history centred on her past unsafe partners, your DGS is frightened and upset by the situation and there is now a tiny baby in the mix.

Reporting it might mean you might lose contact with her, but at least you'll know you've done what you can, and you may well be the first choice if it comes to kinship care. Choosing men over her kids is obviously indicative of her being a bad parent.

Thank you. I did think that about the Clare's law and I did mention that to the officer I spoke to that we knew about his prison record. But the email today said they will contact MASH services if they think there's a need which I know school safeguarding sign posts there too. I was going to speak to the health visitor she has the same one she did with my dgs and she sat in on the child protection meetings years ago. I've also met her recently when she did the baby's check up. I really don't know and I'm really doubting myself but I know it needs doing.

Hi op I understand your terrible predicament and saying somerhng may cut you off from your dogs which may put him in even more danger

It's very easy to shout get help on here and I do fully agree your DD baby and dgs urgently need help but I do worry about it causing a rift and your.dgs.looses his protector.

I doubt the step family care for him like you do

I wish there was a more covert way to trigger help ?