Urgent help needed please

[WingingItSince1973]

I'll try and be brief but I do have older posts on here if anyone needs background. So my daughter has a 10 year son who has been through so much in his short life. Abusive dad and then abusive step dad. Been hell. She got with another man two years ago. He had been in prison for domestic violence and the judge even said he was a dangerous man. She tried to reassure me he wasn't like that and it was a mistake. They got a private rent house together and he was now I see love bombing her and gs being the amazing partner and ,'stepfather'. My dgs had only just settled in school after years of school anxiety (he was on child protection from age 8 months to 2 years old because of his dad and we were asked to be his kin ship carer) My daughter seemed really settled, good well paying job etc. She had a baby 9 weeks ago and from a few weeks after the birth he has started being abusive. Refusing to help with baby, calling her the worst names possible in text and shouting them to her face. My dgs also told me he's been so scared in his house due to this man shouting at my DD even with the baby near her. So he was meant to leave today and it's all kicked off. My dgs has been staying with me because he's too scared to be in the house with her partner. My DD called me in the week sobbing because he'd kicked off and she couldn't take it anymore. So my dgs refused to go home this morning to get changed for school. He's had a few days off sick. He's also being bullied at school and is so anxious. I asked my DD if the partner was there and she said no but the way she was texting me I felt like she was lying. My dgs went home (it's a two min walk I can see her house from here) and the partner was there and immediately started on dgs so he ran back to mine. The partner was meant to be moving out today but he apologised to my DD and dgs on Wednesday which I saw coming and I don't think he is actually leaving today. My DD keeps messaging me that I need to send him home but he's refusing and now shes phoning me playing everything down and saying she hates me and will never confide in me again. It's been a very strained relationship since dgs was born and shes made some stupid decisions which has been negative to my dgs. I'm being made out now that I'm spoiling dgs. She's demanding him home that hes a child and needs to do what he's told. I'm doubting myself. Please pleas help

Haven't heard anything from SS. My heart is broken. I need to see if my dgs is ok. I could go over tomorrow when I know he's at work. I will chase ss up first thing. My DD has blocked me on WhatsApp but she's reading messages on Facebook and watching my stories. I totally know she could be in a very delicate situation or she's been brainwashed that I'm the enemy. Either way I need to see my dgs. I live with my DH and youngest adult DD. My DH and I have been married for over 29 years and he is the kindest most gentle man ever and with myself have given our girls what we hoped was the best life we could possible give. We also have a fabulous large family on my DH side and my dgs has cousins and uncles and aunties that absolutely adore him. My dgs will be trying to keep things calm now and do what he can.to.keep the peace for his mum. Even if that means not contacting us. So yes I have a good supportive family and friends x

Your poor dgs, at such a young age he's having to "walk on eggshells" and he'll be hyper vigilant.
Hopefully you'll get to speak to social work and possibly the health visitor tomorrow morning.

So this morning after reading the abusive messages from my DD last night my husband has said I should drop it as he doesn't think the partner has done anything to warrant me phoning the police or social services. I feel like I'm going mental.

Your husband is not being realistic or helpful here.
Of course you need to protect your DGC.

Ring Social Services again. You were told they would ring you and they didn't.

Spoke to social services. Well a call handler I guess. She said she'll refer it to the MASH team and they will see if needs a social worker. She did say that because dd has chosen to take him back then she didn't think they could do anything. I said the kids haven't chosen him. I said the kids haven't chosen him, do we need to keeping learning lessons?! So I really don't know. As of now it's happy families with DD and the partner and they will be pulled into a false sense of security with him and his family. I looked his name up again online and saw an article his pic in os along with others and it was listed under sex offenders??? I've never seen this before. It does say that he's sexually assaulted anyone and relays the court information so I'm wondering why is he on there? I will post a pic of the webpage just to ask anyone if I should be more worried.

@WingingItSince1973

She did say that because dd has chosen to take him back then she didn't think they could do anything. That really isn't the case.

I honestly think that you need to continue talking to police, social services and the health visitor about your concerns and what your DGS has told you and let them investigate his background and the current situation. I'd never heard of that database but it is flagged as a potentially problematic vigilante site and such places contain a lot of wrong information, for all sorts of reasons.

I've asked for it to be removed. I was just shocked when I saw it.

You are doing the right thing OP. You know your dgs and you know the background history. I am sorry your DH is not being supportive but you are right to be concerned

Police and social services both need calling

At this point, does it matter if it does cause a permanent rift? She keeps repeating and repeating the same patterns over and over again - the priority has to be the children.

I'm gobsmacked regarding what social work have told you. Best practice when dealing with families where there is domestic abuse, is to hold the perpetrator to account, look at the non offenders strengths I.e. what are they doing to keep the children safe. The children's welfare is paramount. Social work need to prevent any further harm happening to the children.
You might want to consider contacting the NSPCC.

To be clear, you can be a convicted sex offender without touching anyone.

Indecent images of children, extreme pornography, indecent exposure, contacting children online for sexual purposes, voyeurism.... Lots of possibilities.

As others have advised, please keep your grandson with you. Let the police know and also raise a safeguarding concern. He will be safe with you.

If he is a convicted sex offender, then surely the Police would know & act accordingly to protect the children.

Hi I have no contact with my dgs now. They have blocked my number on his phone. I have spoken to someone at social services. I'm at a loss what to do and I'm really worried.

I think that was inevitable, now you just have to have faith in due process.
You were never going to be able to maintain a relationship with him after you reported your concerns BUT it was the right thing to do.

I am so sorry OP. You must be heartbroken. I really hope SS intervene

Im so sorry they've cut you off. He knows where you are though.

I just truly wished I had not sent him to school on Friday and let her pick him up. But she promised me she wanted to take him out for a one to one meal and a chat. She ended up with her partner's mother there too. No doubt trying to reassure my dgs everything was ok. I've left a message for the health visitor now. I've contacted everyone I can think of. I will call the school when he goes back next week.

Thinking of you OP. What a terribly sad situation your DD had you in

You totally did the right thing - I know it must be hard - but you have to protect the child first and foremost in any situation - they just can’t do it themselves.

I’m totally surprised at the response though - maybe not from the police if it’s not a massive safeguarding from their pov though usually procedure is to share with social care.

I have taken calls for social care before though as part of council calls, so not a specific triage person - we used to take details and children’s response team or a duty officer (depending when called in) would then triage but always, always follow up even if just a call to the relevant person. I’d never have commented on whether they could or couldn’t do anything as I wouldn’t know - just take the info and say they may/may not be in contact with you but it will be followed up.

As your dgs has preciously been on a protection plan and that will definitely have incorporated some rules around Mum’s ability to protect I’d be very surprised if they just didn’t/don’t bother.

I’m surprised the midwife /health visitor didn’t flag anything but maybe your daughter didn’t share her previous involvement with social care. Surprised at school s/g procedures too.

It sounds a huge mess but hopefully the MASH referral will set some support rolling for your dgs. Or actually if all these professionals have been looking into it and decided all is well then it mightn’t be as bad as you’re fearing - though I don’t really understand how that can be.

I don’t know what to say about your husband’s view - great he’s a kind man, but it seems to have gone far too far his policy of keeping everything sweet.

Your dgs will find you and he’ll know why you did this too - believe that will be ok - daughter may take longer - she’s clearly very troubled.

All the best.

I didn't see the original post, but could it be that it had him listed as a ViSOR subject which stands for Violent and sexual offender register? So could be on there for violence rather than something sexual?

Thank you for your replies. The health visitor is the same one that was involved with my dgs and really should still be his HV. She was involved with the child protection too and we had regular visits with her and she attended all the case conferences. She absolutely knows what happened with with dogs. He was taken off CP at 19 months old after family court. I was involved because I was his carer and he lived here. My DH and I went through the process to be his kin ship carer but because DD said she would comply with everything they asked then he ended up moving in with her. But it has been extremely rocky. My dgs is usually here everyday as I do school run so my DD can work full time and he sleeps over on a Friday which used to extend to all weekend when he didn't want to go home with the previous partner. Believe me this one is a piece of work. He's threatened me before. Even though he's not my dgs father he has used my seeing dgs as a threat. My DD is an attention seeker and she lies alot. She seems to attract these men that looks like her protector but they always turn out to be abusive. I'm not really bothered by my contact with her. To be honest and as awful as it sounds I wouldn't be as involved with her if it wasn't for dgs. She's lied, stolen, caused us no end of heartache over the years but I always am there to help her. So she asked me for help last week and she was quite willing to get police involved but he has got in her head again and he's the best thing ever.