Wanting marriage about 14 years

126 replies

NorthernMum89 · 26/03/2026 00:08

I’ve been with my partner for 14 years and we have children together. Recently I’ve brought up getting married as I’d like that extra sense of commitment and stability.

For context, I’m not bothered about a big wedding at all, happily just go to a registry office with close family. To me it’s more about the commitment than the event.

The issue is whenever I bring it up, it turns into an argument. He says he’s not against marriage but doesn’t want to rush it and would rather “do it properly” and plan it. He’s suggested vague timeframes like 12-18 months or “when things are settled”, but nothing concrete.

From my side, after 14 years, I don’t feel like it should still be this unclear. It makes me feel unsettled and like I’m not fully chosen.

Things escalated recently and he’s said things like I “just want to be married” rather than wanting to marry him specifically, which isn’t how I feel at all. I just want commitment from him.

He’s also said he doesn’t want to get married while things aren’t fully settled (e.g. me spending time at my parents’ but I only do this for company as he works long hours!) whereas I feel like marriage is part of creating that stability.

I’ll admit I’ve probably pushed the issue out of frustration, but I feel like I’m going round in circles and not getting a clear answer.

AIBU to feel fed up and want some clarity at this point, or am I being unreasonable expecting more after this length of time?

OP posts:

ChocolateApples · 13/07/2026 20:12

ReadingSoManyThreads · 26/03/2026 01:05

Let's dig a bit deeper here...what's the financial situation?

Do you both earn full-time salary? Who's the higher earner? Do you both have similar sized pensions? Did you take a career break whilst raising children? Do you have joint or separate savings, and are they similar amounts?

Do you own or rent? If you own, who owns the house as in whose name is on the deeds?

Do you both have life insurance policies? Who are the beneficiaries? Do you both have a Will? Do they both leave everything to each other?

Sorry but sometimes getting answers to these things helps to clarify if he's a man simply wishing to protect himself financially. If he is, then he doesn't give a flying fuck about the mother of his children. Any decent man would want his partner and mother of his children to not be financially vulnerable, should anything happen to him.

Personally though, if my partner wasn't excited and committed to marry me, I'd walk away. It's really unpleasant to figure out that the person who you thought you were going to spend your life with doesn't feel the same way about being with you.

Yes, all of this.

Also:
He’s also said he doesn’t want to get married while things aren’t fully settled (e.g. me spending time at my parents’ but I only do this for company as he works long hours!) whereas I feel like marriage is part of creating that stability.

That's not something marriage would change. Is this just an excuse because you are pushing for reasons? Is he unhappy with your general setup? Are you unhappy with his hours? How do both of you see things in the long term?

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