Wanting marriage about 14 years

[NorthernMum89]

I’ve been with my partner for 14 years and we have children together. Recently I’ve brought up getting married as I’d like that extra sense of commitment and stability.

For context, I’m not bothered about a big wedding at all, happily just go to a registry office with close family. To me it’s more about the commitment than the event.

The issue is whenever I bring it up, it turns into an argument. He says he’s not against marriage but doesn’t want to rush it and would rather “do it properly” and plan it. He’s suggested vague timeframes like 12-18 months or “when things are settled”, but nothing concrete.

From my side, after 14 years, I don’t feel like it should still be this unclear. It makes me feel unsettled and like I’m not fully chosen.

Things escalated recently and he’s said things like I “just want to be married” rather than wanting to marry him specifically, which isn’t how I feel at all. I just want commitment from him.

He’s also said he doesn’t want to get married while things aren’t fully settled (e.g. me spending time at my parents’ but I only do this for company as he works long hours!) whereas I feel like marriage is part of creating that stability.

I’ll admit I’ve probably pushed the issue out of frustration, but I feel like I’m going round in circles and not getting a clear answer.

AIBU to feel fed up and want some clarity at this point, or am I being unreasonable expecting more after this length of time?

Oh I agree, but SAHM is worst case scenario. No assets, no income. Maybe some NI contributions towards state pension only.

Totally dependent on someone who legally doesn't have to give you a penny. DP will hold all the cards and he knows it.

“he wants to be married to you”

No he doesn’t, and that’s the problem.

He’s also said he doesn’t want to get married while things aren’t fully settled (e.g. me spending time at my parents’ but I only do this for company as he works long hours!)

This is one of the most pathetic excuses for not getting married I've ever heard. What a prat.

Exactly. So women aren’t allowed to maintain family relationships when their DP is at work (ie, it doesn’t even affect him)? Sounds controlling to me.

Ship has sailed op. Should have done the marriage thing years and years ago before having many kids. What are you doing to do now, wait another 14 years?

Well yes, she has talked about it with him, but a formal proposal is a bit different.
I’ve been through this. In the end I decide to propose on a leap day. Luckily he said yes. If he’d said no, I would have respected his decision but planned my future as a single person and let the chips fall wherever they lay.
While normally I’d agree with the ‘decide what you want before you have kids’ mantra, life often has its own ideas.
Personally I’m very glad I never caved to pressure to get married while I was pregnant in my 20’s.
OP decide what you are prepared to put up with and look in to where you stand legally.

"When things are settled". WTF does that mean after 14 years?

Maybe he should have thought about not rushing it before he had children! IMO that's a much bigger commitment than marriage.

But it’s the OP who is vulnerable potentially in that situation so why would he be bothered.

Excuses aside, he doesn’t want to get married. You have to decide how that fits into your future. You can’t force him or blackmail him into it, (despite the comments on here!) and if you do split, financially you don’t have a leg to stand on unfortunately. Are you financially independent or do you rely on him financially?

Is it about the money or the commitment?

Yes, but the OP also decided to have children before being married. If it was that important to her she wouldn't have done so.

I’ve been served some random red pill content about how marriage is a bad deal for men recently (and I’m a nerdy feminist woman so goodness knows how much blokes are getting). Unless you have loads more assets than him, he might see it as there’s nothing in it for him.

Not being ready, you are living it already - he just doesn’t want the contract unfortunately

I agree completely

Having a kid is no commitment at all to the other parent. It's a commitment to the child- or not, in the many cases of absent/shit parents.

A mortgage is a commitment to a bank.

To an extent….yes.

But if I dump Nationwide, I never have to speak with that bank again.

If we split up (and we both continue to be good parents), we will still see each other at graduations, weddings, grandchildrens’ christenings, etc.

If you have a kid with someone, and you are a half decent parent, you are committing to having some sort of relationship with them for at least the next 18 years.

He told you he wants to iron things out and not rush a shotgun style wedding. By the way, it's not like giving the appointments to give marriage notice and registry weddings are that easily available, it can easily take months just to book a notice appointment and a venue. It's his day, too and if he wants a small celebration it's not unfair. One possible compromise is a registry wedding as quick as possible, and they are booked up often.. but then he can have a party at a later date in a separate venue. Couples get married after living and having kids, it's normal in white, non religious communities in the Western world, the whole why buy the cow analogy is from other cultures with misogynistic views and religious undertones. Plenty of men marry women who contribute nothing financially, have no assets to benefit them and have lived/dated/had sex/had kids together already. In some cultures, they say bought the cow if you simply had sex or let him cop a feel before wedding. Just a disgusting thing to say on a Western platform like I thought we moved on from this disgusting narrative about women and the value of women as human beings in a relationship, just YUCK!

And by the way, the rules around rights and marriage are not universal, in some places you'd hardly get any money depending on length of marriage, annulments of marriages are very easy, divorce is straight forward, men and women marry and divorce far too easily these days. Children in the UK do inherit and there are many ways to protect yourself financially. I just think the conversation on this thread has been so disrespectful, misleading and misogynistic. This forum used to be full of well educated, clever women, what the fuck happened now?

He’s just taking the view that he’s got all he needs, unmarried, so sees no point in marriage.

Marriage would give you more legal clout, in some circumstances, but if he doesn’t want to wed you, there’s nothing you can do.

You are seeking clarity but his inconsistency is clarity you just don't want to see it. He doesn't want to get married but he knows after 14 years you will keep allowing him to kick the can down the road.

I'm afraid there is no 'confusion' or 'need for clarity' here. He just doesn't want to marry you.

If someone spoke to me about 'not wanting to rush things' after 14 years I would laugh in their face. Please don't let him make a fool of you - talk of 'rushing things' or anything else is juat an excuse because he is too much of a coward to tell you the truth.

It's up to you what you do with this information however be prepared for him to leave one day when he meets someone he actually wants to marry.

This. Behaviour is a language.

Literally this.

Women need to wake up to what men say vs what they do.

As it stands, he says he wants to get married but he won't.

Like men that say they want kids but...don't.

They say whatever will keep them comfortable and getting what they want.

I don't think it is something that would occur to everyone though.

If you don't know you don't know.

I think this is something that should be covered in PSHE in schools or whatever they call it these days. There are so many posts on mumsnet from women who have put themselves in a vulnerable position by having children without being married then staying at home to bring the children up or just working part time.

Then the father either ups and leaves or dies and the woman is left high and dry.

One of my relatives got married last year only because they both have a lot of money tied up in a house they bought together. The IHT bill would have been ridiculous if one of them died had they not got married.

i mean this so kindly but he does not want to marry you. If he wanted to marry you, he would have asked a decade ago.

You need to take this on board. You cannot repeat cannot be a SAHM in this situation. You MUST prioritise your own job, career, finances, pension. If you don’t already have these things in place then make a plan TODAY to retrain, get a job that pays well and get a good amount into savings and pension.

Do not under any circumstances take any toll to your career or your earning potential for him or for the family. You and he are not one financial unit. You have to look after number one because fuck knows he is.

Lol. Amazing advice. Did you read the post?