Wanting marriage about 14 years

[NorthernMum89]

I’ve been with my partner for 14 years and we have children together. Recently I’ve brought up getting married as I’d like that extra sense of commitment and stability.

For context, I’m not bothered about a big wedding at all, happily just go to a registry office with close family. To me it’s more about the commitment than the event.

The issue is whenever I bring it up, it turns into an argument. He says he’s not against marriage but doesn’t want to rush it and would rather “do it properly” and plan it. He’s suggested vague timeframes like 12-18 months or “when things are settled”, but nothing concrete.

From my side, after 14 years, I don’t feel like it should still be this unclear. It makes me feel unsettled and like I’m not fully chosen.

Things escalated recently and he’s said things like I “just want to be married” rather than wanting to marry him specifically, which isn’t how I feel at all. I just want commitment from him.

He’s also said he doesn’t want to get married while things aren’t fully settled (e.g. me spending time at my parents’ but I only do this for company as he works long hours!) whereas I feel like marriage is part of creating that stability.

I’ll admit I’ve probably pushed the issue out of frustration, but I feel like I’m going round in circles and not getting a clear answer.

AIBU to feel fed up and want some clarity at this point, or am I being unreasonable expecting more after this length of time?

Do people need everything spelt out in words of one syllable? School can’t teach everything - common sense dictates that being financially dependent on someone is not good

If you really want to be married, how do you find yourselves 14yrs down the line with a couple of kids?

I wonder how many women just can't won't be on their own so they accept whatever is offered?

This.

He does not want to marry you.
He has everything he needs.
You need to throw him out and see how he likes it then.

Throw him out?

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that she can't throw him out because the house is in his name, she doesn't have any savings and she sacrificed her career to raise the children?

Or maybe all three?

Well then that was unwise of her but she’s painted herself into a corner (assuming she is financially dependent on him)

No shit Sherlock!

Why does he object to you spending time at your parents, is he using the promise that he might marry you if you conform to his wishes in other areas of your life ?

If a man genuinely loves his partner, enough to want to marry her, he asks her in a timely manner. What he doesn't do, is wait 14 years and still drag his heels. Your partner doesn't want to marry you, if he did, he'd have married you many years ago.

The fact every time you bring the subject up, it turns into a full scale argument, says it all really. You've been together 14 years and have children, what more proof does he want, that he's the one you want to marry???!!! Your partner is making up a lot of excuses, because they aren't genuine reasons.

Do you own your home? Both on the deeds/mortgage? Have you made Wills? Do you have your own pension? If you or your partner died, who receives the death-in-service payments? If your partner died, are you nominated to receive his pension? All these are very important, especially as you're not married. You are not your partner's next-of-kin because you're not married, your children would be.

Stop asking your partner about marriage. However, you do need to think about all the things above and what it is you really want. Is marriage important enough to you, to walk away from the relationship, if your partner won't marry you?

Precisely. OP likely cannot throw him out and she will need to get a long term plan to regain her independence.

Tbf, she’s had 14 years to plan so hopefully she isn’t financially dependent on him

Hey I’m not the one who potentially has left themselves financially vulnerable for the last 14 years..

I have lost count of the women who make a man a financial plan

He doesn't want to marry you. And that's ok. No one should marry against their wishes

But what will you do with that info?

If you stay together, I suggest you manage your finances as a single person

If it's any comfort, you're not alone. I wish I had £1 for every time I post this message ......

@PollyBell that's a bit unfair. OP no doubt thought she was building a family with a person who felt the same way that she did. He was not her financial plan, he was her partner. We don't know if she is working or not but there is nothing to indicate that she has not contributed significantly to their shared life. Not all contributions are financial.

What is clear is that he is a bit of a shit and does not care about her financial future. Selfish selfish man. She may have been naive but he has been nasty.

"bottom out" 🙄

We're not in the office now @decorationday 😄

Just because you don't want to get married doesn't mean you are not committed, but if one of you wants it and the other doesn't then it's not something either will want to compromise on. Was the long-term plan always to get married, in which case it looks as though the commitment to the relationship is no longer there?

The problem doesn't sound as though it is to do with a marriage per se.

14 years. It ain't happening love. He's biding his time until someone better turns up. You're never going to be chosen, you're not good enough for marriage.

My Bil and Sil did get married after 14 years and are still married many years later, so it can happen. Separate finances.

My DH wasn't bothered about getting married but I was and he's fine about it now, again, many years later. Joint finances, which became really important for lots of reasons, that are too complex to go into in a short thread.

You need to have a long, hard look at your situation, especially how you will manage in retirement. Really understand the implications.

Ah! You gave him the milk and calf’s for free and now he doesn’t have to commit to you. Fucking men!

Are you still very young eg early thirties? That might explain the delay if so…

It sounds like he doesn't want to get married. I think all you can do is explain why you do and encourage him to explain why he doesn't without judgement. I think you should be more concerned with what will happen if one of you dies. Marries offers a lot of legal and financial protection. I would frame it to him as, if he doesn't want to get married, you will have to sort your wills out to ensure the future for the person left behind and the kids. Look at property ownership, pensions, life insurance and wills.