Wanting marriage about 14 years

[NorthernMum89]

I’ve been with my partner for 14 years and we have children together. Recently I’ve brought up getting married as I’d like that extra sense of commitment and stability.

For context, I’m not bothered about a big wedding at all, happily just go to a registry office with close family. To me it’s more about the commitment than the event.

The issue is whenever I bring it up, it turns into an argument. He says he’s not against marriage but doesn’t want to rush it and would rather “do it properly” and plan it. He’s suggested vague timeframes like 12-18 months or “when things are settled”, but nothing concrete.

From my side, after 14 years, I don’t feel like it should still be this unclear. It makes me feel unsettled and like I’m not fully chosen.

Things escalated recently and he’s said things like I “just want to be married” rather than wanting to marry him specifically, which isn’t how I feel at all. I just want commitment from him.

He’s also said he doesn’t want to get married while things aren’t fully settled (e.g. me spending time at my parents’ but I only do this for company as he works long hours!) whereas I feel like marriage is part of creating that stability.

I’ll admit I’ve probably pushed the issue out of frustration, but I feel like I’m going round in circles and not getting a clear answer.

AIBU to feel fed up and want some clarity at this point, or am I being unreasonable expecting more after this length of time?

I kind of get his point about it wanting to be settled. You going to your parents all the time gives impression you are half in half out of the relationship. He will view this as why get married when you've already got one foot out the door.

You want to be married to him and he wants to be married to you.

Have a small registry office wedding, not a big day?

If marriage is that important to you why did you have children without being married? You've given him everything already so he no longer has any incentive to need to marry you.

That's apart from the fact that he clearly simply doesn't want to marry you for whatever reason. If a man wants to marry, he doesn't need persuading.

He's deflecting because he's worried about you having access to half of everything.

Everything else is a lie.

Just to build on this, what are the benefits for him? Like, why should he marry you? And what are the risks?

Suspect he is the higher earner and has a better pension so he has literally had all of the benefits and nine of the risks of being married so why on earth would he marry you now? That's what he's thinking.

This seems a tad unfair. He's the one who sounds like he has one foot out of the door! And, spending too much time with parents is a very feeble excuse for not being 'settled' enough to get married.

I know. So common, and the woman always ends up frustrated. I doubt the man will agree to marriage at this stage.

Yes, I'm wondering the same.

He doesn’t want to marry you, if he did you would be married, how you deal with that is up to you.

Look he’s not going to marry you, it’s obvious. So your options are
A : walk away from the relationship
B: carry on as you are.

This - or option C which is probably what he's doing - accept this is it for now and enjoy what you can and then plan for a seperate future - personally not sure I could do that without emotional damange but if kids were young I might try and work towards finacial stablity at same time.

I pointed out to DH that at time he'd have no PR if we weren't married - that seemed to matter to him though obviously that's change now to being on birth certifcate. I did say I wasn't keen on kids before marriage despite not being religious but might have wavered and internally argued better to have kids I want than not as I got older.

So I agree with Bulbsbulbsbulbs - look at examples where not being married is going to cause you him or kids issues if he still not keen on marriage - then frankly you have bigger problems.

It's all about money and risk.

Dh and I were together 10 years and not at all interested in marriage. We didn't feel it necessary for romantic reasons of making vows.

Then we had a child and suddenly realised the financial and legal benefits and so we booked the registry office for the next month. Done and dusted, told noone because it was financial and legal planning, not romantic.

IMO, I think you should book the registry office and tell him that if he doesn't go through with it then that's it, relationship over. Put the burden of choice on him so it forces it to a head.

Do they not teach the importance of marriage to women in school if you're planning to have kids!

All the useless, never to be used again, crap we teach our kids and yet can't spare an hour to explain the massive pitfalls of having kids and sacrificing career without getting married first.

Makes my blood boil.

When a man wants to get married he does all the chasing. As a woman I’d only marry a man that went out of his way to propose etc. my old Irish mother used to say if a man really wants you he will move heaven and earth to get you otherwise he’s not fussed and once married will feel trapped. She also said if he hasn’t introduced you to his parents after 3 months he’s not serious. These old Irishwomen were very wise.

What's your financial situation OP?

I hope to god you're not a SAHM 🙏

It's wrong to want some company when your bloke works long hours?

OP he doesn't want to marry you. You either have to accept it or split up. There's no compromise here. The fact he keeps stringing you along with in the future crap is a dumping offense on its own

What does when things are more settled mean anyway?

Schools can't be responsible for teaching every basic aspect of life. It's something that's easily available online when a lower earner chooses to sacrifice their career or housing security for a live-in boyfriend or girlfriend.

OP has t replied to her thread so we don't know if marriage would benefit her, she could be wealthy and own properties.

You need to decide if this is a dealbreaker for you, and what you are willing to tolerate.

Book appointments to go and view venues most book 1 to 2 years out anyway so if he does want to "do it properly" you'd still need to start that process now

Why on earth would they teach that in school?! If you can read and access Google, you can find out. As pp said, school can't teach every single thing.

Does he also find it "unsettling" if you have a night out with your friends?

I think more settled means she's not running back to her parents house all the time.

He's set that as a boundary, and something he wants in order to feel secure in the relationship. People can disagree with his boundary, but he is as an entitled to his boundaries/requirements for marriage as much as any of us are.

He doesn't want to get married.

So you need to decide how you're going to respond to that. Do you want to stay with him indefinitely without marriage or would you rather walk away if he isn't that committed?

Either way, ensure that your own financial position is strong and insist on him doing an equal share of childcare,, domestic stuff etc.

But you don’t even need to be a SAHM to have shouldered all of the financial risk. Extended Mat Leave and/or PT hours often fall on the woman. That impacts her pension, with a loss of compound growth, and can also affect career progression/salary growth. In my cohort of Gen X mum friends, all of us are behind our husbands re: salaries and pension pots. By a lot. Which is fine, if you wanted to prioritise time with DCs and if you’re married and entitled to 50% of the marital assets in the event of a breakup. It’s Russian Roulette if you’ve had babies with a DP.

I’m afraid you’ve left it far too late. You’ve given him all the benefits of marriage with none of the legal commitment.

As the saying goes why would he buy the cow when you’re giving the milk for free.

The time to insist on marriage was before agreeing to have children together.

Too late. He's holding out because he thinks a better woman will come along and he doesn't want to share his ££ when he dumps you.