Wanting marriage about 14 years

[NorthernMum89]

I’ve been with my partner for 14 years and we have children together. Recently I’ve brought up getting married as I’d like that extra sense of commitment and stability.

For context, I’m not bothered about a big wedding at all, happily just go to a registry office with close family. To me it’s more about the commitment than the event.

The issue is whenever I bring it up, it turns into an argument. He says he’s not against marriage but doesn’t want to rush it and would rather “do it properly” and plan it. He’s suggested vague timeframes like 12-18 months or “when things are settled”, but nothing concrete.

From my side, after 14 years, I don’t feel like it should still be this unclear. It makes me feel unsettled and like I’m not fully chosen.

Things escalated recently and he’s said things like I “just want to be married” rather than wanting to marry him specifically, which isn’t how I feel at all. I just want commitment from him.

He’s also said he doesn’t want to get married while things aren’t fully settled (e.g. me spending time at my parents’ but I only do this for company as he works long hours!) whereas I feel like marriage is part of creating that stability.

I’ll admit I’ve probably pushed the issue out of frustration, but I feel like I’m going round in circles and not getting a clear answer.

AIBU to feel fed up and want some clarity at this point, or am I being unreasonable expecting more after this length of time?

Has this got anything to do with the house being in his name only?

We did a registry office wedding after 29 years together. My husband had never wanted to get married before which had caused friction in the past.

I told him I felt very vulnerable being unmarried, and I went through a couple of worst case scenarios with him. Someone I know had recently found herself homeless when her partner of 25 years died suddenly. Everything went to his son from a previous marriage and he evicted her from the house she'd lived in for 20 years. Another was a woman whose partner of 20 years died and his sister wouldn't allow her to arrange the funeral as she wasn't next of kin.

If you come at it from this angle and he still doesn't want to do it then you have a problem.

If you have to push this hard, he doesn’t want it. He doesn’t want you.

You have a decision to make.

Kindly, if you have to bully someone into marrying you then you really shouldn't get married. Marriage should be a a full commitment from both sides, not one side cajoling the other into it with threats or ultimatums. Decide what you want out of life and your relationship and honesty if he's not in it with you in the same way then just leave. Please don't spend your life chasing a man to give you something that he really doesn't want to give.

Marriage nowadays is very financially tied with such high rates of divorce. If you’re a SAHP or one who has given up career growth/high earnings/pension contributions then it is important to be married as you’ll be in a weak position if you split. You have sacrificed for the other parent to progress

He will be aware of this and will probably be avoiding marriage due to this.

If financially your quite savvy, earn equal or more and are with someone who is terrible with money - then getting married may not be the best course of action

are you currently engaged to be married, at some point, or has he NEVER asked you?

Even 14 years ago it was okay for women to be part of this decision, or to set out what would or would not be acceptable pre-marriage. No woman needs to wait for a man to decide he wants to marry her.

He’s not going to marry you. You’ve missed that bus by 14 years.

Should have got married before having children.

Agree with pp - you need to set an ultimatum and mean it. Otherwise, see you in the same position posting another thread in another 14 years…

I think if he wanted to marry you he would have. Sometime in the last 14 years.

he doesn't want to get married, accept it or end it and move on.

Do you have shared assets? is there a huge disparity in each of your assets? (if he has a lot and you don't have much, my advice to him would be not to marry, to be fair. Or if it is the other way round and you have all the assets i'd tell you not to marry)

You have to decide if this is your forever-partner. And if he won't get married you need to discuss what happens when you are older, retired, medically delendent on someone etc etc.

ETA. gosh, missed in the first line that you have children. Make sure you each have a will that handles what happens to them if one of you dies, and how they receive their inheritance. Speak to a lawyer and do it properly.

am I being unreasonable expecting more after this length of time?

Yes and no. YANBU to expect more for yourself in terms of commitment and respect. But YABU to expect it from him. He'll never marry you. At least, not without you coshing him over the head and dragging him to the altar.

Ever heard the expression, 'actions speak louder than words'? Although to be fair, his words have been pretty consistent too.

Bloody hell, whats he waiting for, a written invitation? Its been 14 years. Hardly rushing it.

Time to get serious about your future.

By this I mean your financial future. Unless you are working full time and own all assets jointly then you are really vulnerable.

He’s clearly not interested in marriage. So you need to put yourself in the best position you can for yourself. I’m guessing that you have sacrificed for your family, that he is aware of that and doesn’t want to enter into a legal contract with you is marriage so that you get what you are entitled to. He is not someone you can trust or rely on.

You need to start relying on yourself. Understand your position. Otherwise you will face a miserable future.

If you are willing to share your current situation then you can get some tailored advice

It's sad he doesn't want to marry you OP. Surely you wouldn't want to force him to marry you? It would not make you feel good. You either decide he's had enough time and isn't going to ask you so you split up and look for a man who will accept responsibility and want to be your life partner or stay with him feeling resentful.

My next door neighbour- unmarried with DC of 16 & 14. House only in partners name. She gave up her career and is struggling to restart it. Partner said he will continue to pay the mortgage until DC are 18 and she gets some child allowance but she is worried about her future.

She made assumptions about their future but he had other plans with a ‘younger model ‘ so to speak.

He says he’s not against marriage but doesn’t want to rush it and would rather “do it properly” and plan it

How can he say this with a straight face - rushing it, after 14 years?? How come you aren't able to take that argument apart in a heartbeat? I guess because he'll come up with some other bs excuse like you being at your parents too much. Honestly, it's clear as day that he doesn't want to get married. His argument that you just want to get married but not specifically to him is him projecting, because he doesn't want to get married at all. If it matters to you - and imo it should, unless you have total financial independence and haven't lost out on £/pension/career etc by having kids and supporting him (sounds like you have if he works away a lot and you've had to do majority of childcare), then you need to not take his arguments seriously any more and look at this clear in the face.

Stop tolerating his bullshit and tell him it's now or never and if it's never, you're out. He's the one whose strung you along. You've been naive to fall for it and to have kids and everything before marrying so that there's no 'incentive' for him at this point. But if he never wanted it anyway, then it's good to wake up to that now and make your decisions on that basis.

Please tell me that you're not a stay at home mum, are on the house deeds and are named in his will. If not then you need to start planning to safeguard your own financial security because your partner sure is not interested in that!

You don't need clarity, you've already got it and it's staring you right in the face.

This is primarily a financial decision - treat it as one, rather than a romantic one, which you appear to be doing. As others have said, you need to decide if you have more to lose or gain financially from marriage. If you are a stay at home mum, absolutely you need to get married. If he is refusing, he's not not waiting to be inspired by a rush of love, he's protecting 'his' assets. If you are the primary bread winner and house is in your name, protect your assets (given his attitude, it doesn't bode well for the relationship anyway).

I’d struggle to be attracted to a man who was happy to screw me over.

Better to leave now OP whilst you’d get child maintenance, than later when you’ll be entitled to nothing from him.

It’s disturbing that people are prepared to get married despite knowing their partner is only doing it to mollify them.

If you have children without the legal protection of marriage, you know you won’t have that protection.

Giving ultimatums to people about marriage is never going to end well.!

Most people aren’t religious. From what OP’s said, getting married would benefit her financially and not her partner… So yes, even if they divorced, it would end well for her.

Assuming he is the higher earner why would he now marry you? He can only lose by this arrangement if you divorce and as far as he is concerned everything is going quite well. I do not think he will marry you.

That's exactly what she's doing!

Exactly - how much clearer can he make it?

Obviously your DP is unreasonable but so are you. If marriage was so important to you, why wait 14 years to start the ultimatum? I was very clear when dating my DH that I wanted to be married before children, luckily he did feel the same and we did marry before having kids but I don’t get why people wait, and wait, and have the kids, and then still get frustrated about no ring.

Getting married after being together for 14 years isnt unheard of, but doesn’t sound like DP is keen does it?

I would sit down with him and be honest, you feel vunerable, you’ve got the kids and the house and now you want the wedding. Ok fair enough if he doesn’t want the quick registry office wedding then start looking at actual venues and planning to marry in 2027 or something as a compromise?