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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father in Law 80+ naughty boy

401 replies

WhatDidIjustHearr · 07/01/2025 15:31

This is not really an AIBU but felt like a good place to post.

Staying at my in laws at the moment with the kids. Mother in law and DH went out and I’m working from home. Father in law is also at home.

I’m upstairs and he is in study downstairs. Suddenly I hear a woman’s voice - it sounds like she is in distress or sort of semi screaming in pain. Well the first few seconds I thought that’s what I was hearing as thought he must be watching some crime / drama or something… but he was clearly watching porn.

I think he is rather deaf, it was rather loud. He did turn it down a bit but the change of volume was like someone who is screaming is now just shouting.

I don’t judge anyone for watching porn but I actually had a physical reaction to that and feel somewhat sick.

He, I assume, clearly didn’t think I can hear it. Or did he forget I was here?

OP posts:
soupfiend · 07/01/2025 19:46

verdantverdure · 07/01/2025 19:25

N*ot surprising. I work in the family courts so this isnt unknown
*
Whats that got to do with this thread?

@soupfiend Weren't you the one who said

Even if the kids were in the house its a ridiculous post given he wasnt 'subjecting' anyone to it, he was in his own room

He was in his own room, seemingly thinking he was on his own, hes deaf, he probably has little ability to know how loud it is

So if the children were in the house it seems unlikely this is someone who is exposing their children through neglect or on purpose to pornogrpahy, therefore examples of parents who can only have supervised contact with their children who they have harmed consistently are irrelevant.

He isnt a parent of young children and doesnt have the charge of young children

Therefore he doesnt fit into the category of someone who needs to be kept away from children or supervised, unless OP is going to give other information about him like he's a foster carer or something and it happens a lot.

One can only go off the information provided in the OP. There are times when parents inadvertently expose their children to something inappropriate, it happens all the time, its called life, most parents are horrified and make sure it doesnt happen again.

Growlybear83 · 07/01/2025 19:47

thepariscrimefiles · 07/01/2025 19:37

I'm just surprised that grandad wanking to a really loud porno movie within earshot of his DIL is greeted with the same 'ahh bless him' response from some posters that you would be more likely to expect if grandad had just given his grandson his last Werthers Original.

I haven't seen that response from anyone but I don't see that it's any different to a 20 year old wanking in his own home when he (probably) thinks he's got the house to himself, apart from the fact that a 20 year old might not need the volume turned up so high.

Custardslices · 07/01/2025 19:54

Ffs he wasn't on a bus and he never exposed the sounds to any children.

I worry about people giving advice anonymously I'd be even more worried if they suggested this face to face too.

I'm done that's enough Internet for one day. What number bus was it? Asking for a friend....

2025willbemytime · 07/01/2025 19:54

Naughty boy?

Have a bloody word.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/01/2025 19:57

Christmassoxs · 07/01/2025 16:00

I was under the impression nonce refered to a child abuser🤔

Show quote history

Me too.
In any case, to me it was a gross thing for any FiL to do if he knew that a DiL, let alone any Gdcs, were in the house.

ForeverDelayedEpiphany · 07/01/2025 19:59

I once used an elderly relative's computer a long time ago, to look something up online. I had to be discreet after as he hadn't cleared his cache/history and i saw he'd been looking at porn. I then closed the windows pretty sharpish, and my memory is conveniently (ahem) "forgotten". I won't say who the person is in relation to me, but i wished I'd not seen it to he honest 😢😳

SpringIscomingalso · 07/01/2025 20:00

Age does not leave creeps out of what to do
It is not unheard of. A friend lives with a old man landlord ages ago in her uni years, this was his most favourite show

she did not know how to tell him because he was deaf and was paying her bills also

SpringIscomingalso · 07/01/2025 20:01

they did not sleep together, it was a form of paid presence/companionship

NattyTurtle59 · 07/01/2025 20:02

thepariscrimefiles · 07/01/2025 18:03

I assumed that the volume was high because of his age or hearing loss. He must still realise that other people could hear what he was watching, so it was inappropriate when his guests were in the house.

I love that you accuse me of very poor etiquette for thinking this was rude but you think that wanking FIL's behaviour is irreproachable.

Show quote history

Oh for goodness sake. People who are hard of hearing don't realise how loud things are to other people, and it's quite likely he thought OP had gone out with the others. As for "wanking FIL's behaviour", that's just your imagination.

Grow up.

Cariadm · 07/01/2025 20:02

PonyPatter44 · 07/01/2025 17:27

I used the word nonce. I later retracted it since the OP clarified that the children weren't in the house. I know perfectly well what the word means, thank you.

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Why would the children being in the house or not make the slightest difference to what type of porn FIL may or may not have been watching?! 🤔
You say you did in fact know the meaning of the word but your argument in justification and verification of this is totally meaningless and irrational! 🙄

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 07/01/2025 20:07

GripeOfTheDay · 07/01/2025 19:18

Stop... poster is clearly mortified. Probably initially thought it was embarrassing and hilarious at hilarious zt fist, however as its carried on, is expressing concerns its becoming darker....

Shes just trying to figure out what to do.. tell her husband etc...

Cut her some slack pls

Show quote history

Yes I can read the thread aswell. And I stand by my first comment.

verdantverdure · 07/01/2025 20:07

You said

"Even if the kids were in the house its a ridiculous post given he wasnt 'subjecting' anyone to it, he was in his own room"

@soupfiend

I was pointing out that the laws that seek to protect children see it differently.

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 07/01/2025 20:10

why cant a person watch porn in the privacy of their own home?

Cityandmakeup · 07/01/2025 20:12

grown man watches porn. And?

Arthurdigit · 07/01/2025 20:13

ThatRareUmberJoker · 07/01/2025 19:37

Nonce is slang for pedophile you were both right.

Show quote history

Nonce = Not on normal circuit exercise.

A term exclusive to UK prisons and before they had separate wings was attached to paedophiles doors to ensure the other prisoners couldn’t get at them or to single them out depending on your thinking.

verdantverdure · 07/01/2025 20:15

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 07/01/2025 20:10

why cant a person watch porn in the privacy of their own home?

In the case of my friend's husband it was because his children, visiting children, plus the next door neighbour's children could hear it and when spoken to by the police he didn't think he had done anything wrong.

So now he only sees his children under supervision.

SabreIsMyFave · 07/01/2025 20:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

verdantverdure · 07/01/2025 20:17

Is it just peadophiles and child murderers or sex offenders in general @Arthurdigit?

Jimmyneutronsforehead · 07/01/2025 20:21

WhatDidIjustHearr · 07/01/2025 17:14

Those who say shaking and sweating is an overreaction. Is not like I choose that reaction so not sure what the point is there - minimising the way my body decides to react? Would that stop my body from reacting the same way next time - hearing people say you are overacting?

The reaction came the more it went on. Definitely not a movie scene. That sort of sound would never be in a movie - probably also hence the reaction. Making me think that’s not what people do in real life and there is a women I don’t know if participating fully through choice in filming….

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I don't think it's an overreaction.

You were subject to sexual activities without your consent and it made you really nervous. I think that's totally normal.

I do think you should tell your husband because I don't think you should have to stay in that environment and any one who expects you to is complicit in FILs behaviour and that is genuinely traumatic to contemplate.

ThatRareUmberJoker · 07/01/2025 20:21

Arthurdigit · 07/01/2025 20:13

Nonce = Not on normal circuit exercise.

A term exclusive to UK prisons and before they had separate wings was attached to paedophiles doors to ensure the other prisoners couldn’t get at them or to single them out depending on your thinking.

Show quote history

We all know they do get to them with steel toe boots.

Thanks for sending that bit of info I had no idea.

SabreIsMyFave · 07/01/2025 20:23

MaryWhitehouseExperienced · 07/01/2025 18:54

Sheesh, are you telling me that all the bad behaviours we see some men displaying now is going to continue well into their eighties? FFS!

Not sure if being sarcastic...... 🤔

Why would a man in his 80s be any different to when he was 60/50/40?

A man my DH's parents used to live near, was found to be sexually abusing his 2 great grandaughters. (5 and 6.) He was 86.

4 or 5 other women came out and said they had been abused by him too some years ago, He was in his 50s and 60s then.. Probably abused girls before he was in his 50s too. They just didn't have the courage to come forward.

Men don't change. They learn to hide their 'ways' better. (Most of them!)

BrokenHipster · 07/01/2025 20:26

WhimsicalGubbins76 · 07/01/2025 16:10

Oh for goodness sake!!

Youre staying at his house! He’s a bloody grown man! If he wants to watch porn (which is perfectly legal) in his own home, then he’s perfectly entitled to!

Grow up!

And to the poster who called him a “nonce”, do you even know what that means??
Or are you just bandying around random words in the hope they fit?
Did op say he was watching anything to do with children?? No. So how exactly is he a nonce.

Op, I suggest you just go home and stop judging grown ups for the legal things they do in private.

He's perfectly entitled to loudly watch porn while sitting next to OP on the couch, but it would be fucking horrible to do it, wouldn't it?

verdantverdure · 07/01/2025 20:31

Cityandmakeup · 07/01/2025 20:12

grown man watches porn. And?

Inflicts its soundtrack of women screaming on anyone within earshot against their will.

Imagine being his next door neighbour Shock

onwardsup4 · 07/01/2025 21:05

VoodooRajin · 07/01/2025 16:39

Really?!, every one is cool with listening to grandad wank?

Yeah course ! Whats the problem man? 🤢

TankFlyBossW4lk · 07/01/2025 21:08

thepariscrimefiles · 07/01/2025 19:24

It might not be legal though. OP said:

'The reaction came the more it went on. Definitely not a movie scene. That sort of sound would never be in a movie - probably also hence the reaction. Making me think that’s not what people do in real life and there is a women I don’t know if participating fully through choice in filming….'

FIL has his son, DIL and grandchildren visiting so one would hope he would get some pleasure from that. It's a horrible thought that watching porn might be his only pleasure. Maybe he should get some other interests.

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Oh don't be so sanctimonious. If you think 80 year old men watching porn is unusual, you really haven't had much to do with this group of people.