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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think children suffer the most from divorce

109 replies

Mirabelle2 · 26/12/2023 18:56

I am really unhappy in my marriage, My husband became very lazy once our children arrived and I have just grown more and more resentful. His priorities were up the wall and felt as though I was doing everything on my own anyway. A few weeks ago I asked him to leave, which he did, he is still having regular contact with the DC (more so than before). We have told the children that he is looking after his parents house whilst they are away for 2 months as I cant tell them unless I know it is final, the thing is, I think I am happier on my own. I just feel so so guilty for the kids like I am ruining them by making this decision. I keep trying to force myself for these feelings to come back and I really do want them to but I just dont think they will. He still tries to be intimate with me on occasion but I find it exhausting and like I dont want to see him in case he initiates anything?

What is happening to me? I always thought I would love this man forever :(

OP posts:

NeedToChangeName · 26/12/2023 18:59

Tough situation

Can the marriage be saved? Is he willing to put in the effort? Are you? If so, it might be worth trying relationship counselling

But, if it really can't be saved, perhaps best separate now, before it gets worse

kitsuneghost · 26/12/2023 19:01

Children will always be negatively affected by divorce
There are certain situations such as physical violence and child abuse that the effect is the lesser of the 2 evils.
Only you, OP, can weigh up your own situation is bad enough to put the kids through it.

Hoglet70 · 26/12/2023 19:06

I honestly don't feel my DS was affected at all by my divorce. He was 3 when me and his Dad split up for good and now he has a fabulous Step Dad and a fabulous Step Mum. He is 18 and really well adjusted. It's not always negative. A happy single Mum is healthier than two miserable parents who are together for the sake of the kids.

Original poster

Mirabelle2 · 26/12/2023 19:08

I just dont know what to do for the best, Can I honestly force intimacy if I dont feel it? is that really fair on either of us?

I will honestly stay miserable if it is what is best for the kids, they really haven't even questioned anything and my 6 year old says are you on your own tonight and is very happy when I am? I am really struggling with this.

OP posts:

Christmassss · 26/12/2023 19:12

My parents waited until I was very early 20’s to divorce, don’t do this, it was awful growing up with parent’s who obviously didn’t love or even like each other most of the time. I remember feeling angry that they’d waited this longer and thinking why didn’t they do it years ago?

henrysugar12 · 26/12/2023 19:14

What's worse for the children, having two miserable, unhappy parents together or having happy, relaxed parents apart?
Personally, I believe that no one who is "staying together for the sake of the children" is actually doing their children any favours.

Spirallingdownwards · 26/12/2023 19:16

kitsuneghost · 26/12/2023 19:01

That's bollocks. Children can positively be affected in 2 happy homes rather than one miserable one.

Beezknees · 26/12/2023 19:17

50% of marriages end in divorce. Do you think 50% of children are unhappy?

Spirallingdownwards · 26/12/2023 19:18

Mirabelle2 · 26/12/2023 19:08

I just dont know what to do for the best, Can I honestly force intimacy if I dont feel it? is that really fair on either of us?

It really isn't best for the kids. Go and show them that people can be happy and fulfilled without a partner. Or with eventually a new one. Show them you don't have to live a miserable existence.

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/12/2023 19:18

Divorce is never easy for children but that doesn’t mean it isn’t the best available outcome.

I can’t say if your marriage is worth saving or not. But I can say unequivocally that you will be better alone than with a man who has checked out of family life. Whether that’s the case or not is up to him.

FWIW I don’t think divorce in itself is what harms children. It’s the bickering, arguing, head game playing and displacement that goes along with it which is the problem. It’s perfectly possible for two people to separate with dignity, compassion and putting the children as a priority.

flowerchild2000 · 26/12/2023 19:18

Keeping children in an unhappy home is emotional abuse and neglect.

TomatoSandwiches · 26/12/2023 19:19

Would you be happy to encourage your son or daughter to force themselves to have sex with someone they have fallen out of love with, someone they resent because of their own poor behavioir?

I couldn't imagine wanting that for my child, I would rather anything but that for my child.

qpalbfy · 26/12/2023 19:20

Children suffer most when a relationship isn't working whatever the outcome. It can't be helped, it's life. Whether it's divorce or a tense marriage, children feel it, so better to do what is in your interests (within reason of course) and at least then it models healthy behaviours for your children growing up, daughters especially, so they don't grow up thinking they have to martyr themselves.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/12/2023 19:20

What's worse for the children, having two miserable, unhappy parents together or having happy, relaxed parents apart?
Personally, I believe that no one who is "staying together for the sake of the children" is actually doing their children any favours.

I agree. I would even say parents who are getting on that badly should split up for the sake of the children.

I was not happy growing up as the child of parents who really ought to have called it a day. It’s also no fun watching them grow old unhappy with one another, and even worse when parents suggest their children should be grateful to them for it.

Original poster

Mirabelle2 · 26/12/2023 19:21

I keep thinking my feelings might come back, once I tell the kids I will never go back so I need to be 100%.

OP posts:

minipie · 26/12/2023 19:23

What has his reaction been? Do you think he realises he’s been shit and wants to change? Do you think your feelings might change- not quickly but after say 6 months to a year of consistent effort from him?

How old are your DC?

I don’t believe in staying for the sake of the children but I do believe in trying hard to fix a marriage (if DC) before splitting. But only if both sides are trying hard.

Original poster

Mirabelle2 · 26/12/2023 19:23

We never argue in front of the kids, He just doesnt help me around the house and works late, plays sport 3 nights per week and goes to every social even possible. He is constantly saying I dont show him affection and I dont, I feel like I cant walk past him without him wanting a kiss/cuddle etc its exhausting.

OP posts:

MintJulia · 26/12/2023 19:23

My parents stayed together despite not liking each other. It made our childhoods a misery in the process.

Don't let your dcs think you've sacrificed your happiness for them, it's too much to lay on them. Kids aren't stupid.

baileybrosbuildingandloan · 26/12/2023 19:24

I made ALL the effort to ensure mine did not. They grew up pretty well adjusted and have all gone on to form excellent relationships.

Their father made Disney Dad style effort as he wallowed in OWs money.

I never recovered financially.

So it doesn't have to be that way.

CaineRaine · 26/12/2023 19:24

It is devastating as an adult to realise your parents only stayed together because you were still a child. Don’t settle for less for yourself than you’d want for own children OP.

Original poster

Mirabelle2 · 26/12/2023 19:25

I just want to do the right thing so much.

OP posts:

qpalbfy · 26/12/2023 19:26

Thing is you might not be arguing but you won't be demonstrating a healthy and happy marriage for your children, you want them to look up at you and know what they want from life when they grow up, not grow up thinking they have to settle or not know what a loving relationship looks like.

NameChangeAgain23 · 26/12/2023 19:28

My children were affected by my separation from their Dad, without a doubt. Neither can really remember us being together but they still get sad and wish we lived together so they didn’t have to split their time.

However, what they do get is the true, proper Version of me. Not the down trodden, miserable cow bag is become! They don’t have to listen to constant arguments and they don’t have a hostile home environment!

Covid was peaceful… it would have been hell on earth if I was still with their Dad. They are mostly happy and week adjusted. They have new step parents who add lots to their life and a little brother they wouldn’t otherwise have…

Hibye23289 · 26/12/2023 19:28

I was worried about this but I have not let the children be involved in any mess they are older age too so more aware but I have just been determined to give them a good childhood. Anti ds help me stop crying and I have been ok around them, my kids actually like the social side of going to see their dad at the weekend etc and my daughter says thats why she dont want us back together haha.

LittleGreenDragons · 26/12/2023 19:31

Can I honestly force intimacy if I dont feel it?
No. Many many women push their feelings and emotions to one side just so a man can fuck a hole. Why would you do that? You will end up hating yourself so don't even think this could be a possibility.

Not all children suffer when their parents split up, some positively bloom and flourish. Children are not stupid and can sense the mood in the house no matter how much you try to hide it. If you are not happy then your children are already aware of this. Don't prolong your (and their) unhappiness by staying as you are, either leave or have marriage counselling.

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