To think children suffer the most from divorce

[Mirabelle2]

I am really unhappy in my marriage, My husband became very lazy once our children arrived and I have just grown more and more resentful. His priorities were up the wall and felt as though I was doing everything on my own anyway. A few weeks ago I asked him to leave, which he did, he is still having regular contact with the DC (more so than before). We have told the children that he is looking after his parents house whilst they are away for 2 months as I cant tell them unless I know it is final, the thing is, I think I am happier on my own. I just feel so so guilty for the kids like I am ruining them by making this decision. I keep trying to force myself for these feelings to come back and I really do want them to but I just dont think they will. He still tries to be intimate with me on occasion but I find it exhausting and like I dont want to see him in case he initiates anything?

What is happening to me? I always thought I would love this man forever :(

@SurrenderedWife I was very very happy when my parents divorced. They were utterly miserable together. Which made for a miserable atmosphere in my childhood home. Things drastically improved when they split.

Speaking as the child of divorced parents, I don't think it is the divorce itself that is the problem (at 16, I was actually relieved that my parents were getting divorced after a few years of a bad atmosphere at home and knowing they were both unhappy). It is normally the parents' failures to prioritise their children in the midst of all the angst and upheaval. Your children haven't asked for, or caused, this situation so they shouldn't have to witness the emotional fall out.

Whilst you can't guarantee that your children won't find it difficult, you can put their needs first by ensuring they understand it isn't their fault, that you both still love them and that you will try to ensure minimal disruption to their lives.

This might also be a very unpopular opinion, but I would really caution against having step parents in their lives whilst they are still children. Not to say you can't have relationships, but think very carefully before asking your children to live under the same roof as an adult they aren't related to, it can be one of the most upsetting and unsettling things for a child

If he's not willing to work on it OP, I don't see how you can make it work by yourself. Divorce is hard but sometimes staying together is harder. It's not the immediate split that's hardest on kids imo, it's the ongoing tension and drama, if you can avoid this for the most part, then it could turn out fine and you'll all end up happier.

You can try counselling but, and it's a massive but, counselling only works if both honestly want to save the marriage. If your DH wanted that he would have already made some changes ie cleaning more, cooking more, looking after the children more, being more kind, less selfish, more present within the family. Actions and words to prove his commitment before even booking a session.

Has he?

As you have noticed, once he left the house he finally realized he must put in some effort to prioritize seeing his dc over other commitments.
That alone tells me it's worth splitting so you can finally be at peace, and he can parent like it matters instead of being an afterthought.

I suffered more from my parents NOT getting divorced sooner.

Can somebody please help me with this as I feel like I am really doubting myself, He said you can still have the life you want when you have young children, I said yes you can and you do and that is why we are in this situation because I suffered on the back of it. He also said he dreads coming home from work, he wants to come home, me ask him how his day was and sit and chat, not come home and start working straight away again. He doesn't get home until gone 7 most nights and through the week I will not have the time to do that as it is just relentless!

It's sexism. Misogyny. He doesn't think or care what it's like for you the kids are your responsibility you are the woman. He's out working that's enough. Housework and childcare is more unpleasant and difficult for men don't you know so woman should just do it. And your a shit wife if you moan about! He's been working! Get his slippers and rub the poor man's feet. He wants to be the centre of your world how dare you have unmet needs of your own.

My ex moaned I never asked how his day was. So I made an effort to ask. He would answer "fine" that's all he would say. It's not because you don't ask the question it's about what he thinks your priorities should be and that's him, his feelings, he needs attention etc etc.

Never stay in a relationship for the kids.

my parents did and I tell them now as an adult I wish they split years before they did.

He also says I need to lower my expectations and then I will never feel let down. I just feel we are too different to even come to a compromise. I really dont feel I have the time to sit and relax for an hour before putting the kids to bed etc. He dreads coming home because he doesnt feel loved and wanted. I dont want to kiss and cuddle him every 5 minutes as y the end of the day with 2 kids on my own I am completely touched out. Its never going to work is it?

So he's basically telling you that he's not going to do anything to try to change the situation...

No,, He just keeps saying that I haven't changed? when he comes round I am just taking him for granted again.

He also says I need to get out with my friends more, And I agree I do, but this is a typical week for us:

Monday: we both work, he comes home and goes to play sport
Tuesday: I work and he is usually home around 7
Wednesday: He works and then comes home plays sports
Thursday: Curry Night with the lads
Friday: nothing usually as im knackered
Sat: Football events/sports
Sunday: I work and he usually plays sport after

He says that I need to start planning things after 8pm as that suits out lifestyle. Most of my friends are mums and are also too shattered by 8pm to do anything!

The few times that I have arranged to go out, I usually end up really stressed as I have arranged a time with my friends and he always ends up late, so I suppose I just gave up.

He's basically saying that the only one who needs to make changes is you. He should not have to do his bit with the kids and around the house at all - you should just add more stuff to your day.

And 'he doesn't feel loved and wanted'? That's a brass set of bollocks statement there if ever there was one - what about him doing something to make you feel loved and wanted? He is 100% selfish and does not give a shiny shit about you.

Exactly this. If your friend or your children said they felt the way you do would your advice be to stay married and miserable?

No Pressure but you’re also modelling what is acceptable behaviour/ relationships etc to your children and people often repeat what’s they see/ are exposed to? X

Of course children will be affected at least to some extent by divorce. But they will also be affected by living with unhappy parents. By staying, you will be showing them that if you have a selfish, lazy partner, you should just put up and shut up. Is that what you want to teach them?

I would hate my daughter to feel this way to be honest. I would honestly advise her to leave, I suppose that's my answer

Life shouldn't be this way OP and you know that.

Tell him to leave and not come back. He doesn't want to come home, he doesn't have to anymore.

I just need to know for sure that I am making the right decision. What do you think about how a typical week for us goes?

OP I think you're taking way too much responsibility here. You've kicked him out, so the onus is all on him now. If he makes a huge commitment to change and starts to act like an equal partner maybe you'll eventually start to love/fancy him again. If he doesn't - or makes a brief effort then relapses- then you can move to divorce. You can't change the marriage all on your own, especially when you're not the problem.

An ex of mine would go to work, come home at 5pm, nod off for half an hour, then bigger off out with friends, play sports, ride bikes. Come weekends, fishing from 9am Saturday till Sunday afternoon.

It wasn't like that when we moved in together, but slowly that's what it bloomed into.
I highlighted that we weren't getting equal free time and I wasn't happy.
Nothing changed.
I told them to leave.

These days I'm a single parent and it's just easier.
I organise my time around my kid and what I need to do and I don't have anyone else I need to overly concern myself with.

To me it sounds like your OH is adding nothing to your life, in actual fact, they're dragging your life down.

I just dont think he will ever understand what I need. It is all about him and what he wants, he obviously thinks it is all down to me as he keeps saying that I haven't changed.

There is no proper family time in that schedule, less alone time for you to have leisure time minus kids. Also no proper time put aside to spend time as a couple, which you need for a healthy relationship.

So assuming after work sports & curry night are say 3 hours each, and the weekend sport is another 4-5 on Saturday & 2-3 hours on Sunday he's got at a minimum 16+ hours of leisure activity probably a lot more.

What do you get? You work one day of the weekend so that's out and Saturday he's off at sport so you are the childcare. He's suggesting you go out after 8pm in the week but even on the odd occasion you book something he's late home to take over the kids. That's deliberately sabotaging you by the way, it's not accidental - "but I gave you a chance to go out with your friends and you didn't take it up".

No wonder he's actually seeing the kids more now you've separated. No wonder you are tired and fed up.

Don't get me started on the constant pawing you for kisses, cuddles and sex. Just yuk.

Just accept he isn't prepared to change (rather, he says you should lower your expectations of HIM instead). He's clearly said he wants a single life, with you and the kids there on demand when he chooses to play Daddy or wants sex. Is that the life you want or your children deserve?

Kids suffer from divorce, yes, but they also suffer from being in an unhappy home. I wish my mum had left my dad. It would have been great to see dad in short good bursts.