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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think children suffer the most from divorce

109 replies

Mirabelle2 · 26/12/2023 18:56

I am really unhappy in my marriage, My husband became very lazy once our children arrived and I have just grown more and more resentful. His priorities were up the wall and felt as though I was doing everything on my own anyway. A few weeks ago I asked him to leave, which he did, he is still having regular contact with the DC (more so than before). We have told the children that he is looking after his parents house whilst they are away for 2 months as I cant tell them unless I know it is final, the thing is, I think I am happier on my own. I just feel so so guilty for the kids like I am ruining them by making this decision. I keep trying to force myself for these feelings to come back and I really do want them to but I just dont think they will. He still tries to be intimate with me on occasion but I find it exhausting and like I dont want to see him in case he initiates anything?

What is happening to me? I always thought I would love this man forever :(

OP posts:
Southpoint · 26/12/2023 22:00

It really depends. Some children would be very financially poor and may have to move schools/ houses and cut off from all the things they like. This is really bad for teenagers specially or for anxious kids. If things between you and husband end amicable the transition can be fine. Some people now do nesting which means the kids are in a stable house rather than having two houses. The kids do not move from home but the parents take turns to be in the house. If you are ready for divorce have the conversation and see if you can make it less disruptive.

Seadreamers · 26/12/2023 22:06

My parents split when I was 6yo and I was their number 1 priority to manage the new life we had going forward. They behaved like civilised adults - amicable decisions around custody (as it was called then), flexible arrangements on both sides, no mud-slinging or trying to play me off against each parents etc.

I strongly believe if two adults can actually bother to act like civilised people like my parents did, then it’s a positive step forward to ensuring DC are not left screwed up for life.

Original poster
Mirabelle2 · 27/12/2023 11:56

I am willing to go to counselling and do everything I possibly can to make it work. I am just so fed up of doing everything myself and I dont think he can change how selfish he is, I just dont know what to do as the more time that passes, the more I am actually enjoying being on my own, I really want to be in love again, I dont hate him but I see him as more like a brother, what do I do?

OP posts:
Busbygirl · 27/12/2023 12:01

Beezknees · 26/12/2023 19:17

50% of marriages end in divorce. Do you think 50% of children are unhappy?

That doesn’t mean 50% of all children are from divorced parents.
The 50% divorce rate includes 2nd, 3rd etc marriages.
So often the same children have divorced parents several times over.

ladyvimes · 27/12/2023 12:02

Depends. My mum divorcing my narcissistic farther was the absolute right thing she did for us! When I was older she married a lovely man and I now have the best step family ever.

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 27/12/2023 12:03

IME children suffer when parents stay together for the sake of the children.

ReindeerShelter · 27/12/2023 12:06

Yes, divorce is a selfish decision and yes your children will suffer for it. But that’s what happens when you have children with unsuitable partners 🤷‍♀️

You might be happier without him but your children will pay for that decision.

Original poster
Mirabelle2 · 27/12/2023 12:10

Is there a chance my feelings could come back?

OP posts:
Christmassss · 27/12/2023 12:22

Is there a chance my feelings could come back

Yes there is, what worked for me was finding some common interests that were nothing to do with the DC or the home. I got into walking as my DH likes this and he got more into the cinema as it’s one of my favourite things to do.
We also found doing social things with another couple very positive as we saw each other in another light. We saw the fun side of each other.
I also found time to see my own friends so I have something to look forward to.
I know getting a babysitter is expensive to do some of these things but then divorce is really expensive.

KissTheRains · 27/12/2023 12:30

Ask the adult children of parents who stayed together for them.

You'll likely find a very high percentage of people that knew their parents were unhappy and wish that there parents had divorced.

Or, to put it a other way.
Kids pick up on things. If you stay and you're miserable, they'll pick up on that and it will shape their future far more than you getting divorced will.

Simple questions really.

Would you want your child to stay with someone and live a life of unhappiness or stress? Or would you want your child to only be with people they love and that make them happy?

Why do you think your kids wouldn't want the same for you? And why would you give them such a massively negative example of a relationship?

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 27/12/2023 12:30

Kids suffer the most when parents stay together when they're clearly unhappy.

Original poster
Mirabelle2 · 27/12/2023 18:03

I had a chat with him tonight, I told him you really cannot have a single life as well as raising a young family and he seems believe you can. We are literally miles away from each other :(

OP posts:
pointythings · 27/12/2023 18:55

As your kids get older, they will learn that this is how relationships work: one parent carries the load and does all the work, the other doesn't pull their weight and pursues their own selfish interests without care or concern for their partner or children. And they will repeat that pattern. Is that what you want for your children?

@ReindeerShelter please can you share your powers of seeing the future with the rest of us mere mortals, so that when choosing our partners, we will be able to see whether they will turn out to be lazy, feckless, abusive or substance dependent? Clearly I should have known when I married my husband after 5 years as a couple that 15 years later he would turn into a man dependent on alcohol who abused his wife and children. 🙄

SurrenderedWife · 27/12/2023 18:59

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 27/12/2023 12:30

Kids suffer the most when parents stay together when they're clearly unhappy.

I don't agree.

All kids want their parents together. They unsee a lot of stuff to believe this is possible.

My parents split when I was 16. I'm now 53. It has taken a long time to make it all ok and my DS is still fucked (she's 50).

I'd say think long and hard about the impact
of what you are doing.

qpalbfy · 27/12/2023 19:00

@SurrenderedWife All kids want their parents together

Say that to kids with an abusive parent. You have a very narrow view.

DoAWheelie · 27/12/2023 19:02

They suffer more from being stuck in the middle of a shit marriage. My parents stayed together for me and split up within a month of my leaving home for uni. I hated them for forcing me through the last 7 years of misery just to end up in the same place in the end. It took almost a decade to fully recover my relationship with them both.

Now it's over they are able to be friends and we were able to all spend Christmas day together (including my step dad) without any issues. The longer you stay together resenting each other the harder it will be to be able to see each other when it all finally does implode and that is going to affect the kids far longer.

A quick clean break earlier can do wonders for keeping everyone on talking terms and able to navigate big family events in the future without kids feeling caught having to pick a parent each time. It really sounds like splitting might be best for them - he is already having more quality time with them than before.

SurrenderedWife · 27/12/2023 19:05

qpalbfy · 27/12/2023 19:00

@SurrenderedWife All kids want their parents together

Say that to kids with an abusive parent. You have a very narrow view.

My view is, of course, based on my own experience.

Having kids in a nuclear family then breaking that family fucks up the kids. That's true whether the break up is caused by violence, addiction or just not getting on with your partner.

Doesn't mean that the alternatives are not better but denying that it causes trauma is facile.

IncompleteSenten · 27/12/2023 19:06

Children suffer the most from parents who don't put them first.

That includes parents who stay together and create a terrible home and therefore awful childhood.

Divorce when the parents put their children's needs first is far less damaging.

Staying together 'for the kids' is rarely something they'll grow up and be grateful for.

MariaLuna · 27/12/2023 19:10

Children will always be negatively affected by divorce

Bullshit.

Children WILL be negatively affected when the relationship between the parents has gone south which affects the children.

My adult son is living proof that it's better to get out than have them grow up in a dysfunctional household.

SurrenderedWife · 27/12/2023 19:11

IncompleteSenten · 27/12/2023 19:06

Children suffer the most from parents who don't put them first.

That includes parents who stay together and create a terrible home and therefore awful childhood.

Divorce when the parents put their children's needs first is far less damaging.

Staying together 'for the kids' is rarely something they'll grow up and be grateful for.

This is absolutely true. But how many people do you know who haven't used their kids as pawns in some way during a divorce.

I don't know any.

jannier · 27/12/2023 19:15

Children are affected by being in an unhappy family and by seeing a parent accept being unhappy or treated like the housekeeper they learn to repeat these roles in their own relationships

pointythings · 27/12/2023 19:16

All kids want their parents together. They unsee a lot of stuff to believe this is possible.

Not true. Not mine. They were almost 15 and almost 17 and wanted nothing more than to have their father out of the house and to never see him again. I did nothing to make them feel that way - it was all his doing.

He died 8 months after being moved out by the police. We had a lot of complex feelings to work through, but there was never a wish on any of our parts that he and I had stayed together. Clearly you have never been in an abusive relationship.

qpalbfy · 27/12/2023 19:17

@SurrenderedWife my parents. My husband's parents. My husband's parents are actually still very good friends and he stays with her for weeks at a time around Christmas and Easter. Don't get me wrong, of course the ideal is a happy marriage for kids, but where that can't happen, I don't believe for a second a marriage at any cost is automatically better. My parents had a far healthier divorce than they did marriage, it was the years of unhappiness that caused me issues, not the split.

MariaLuna · 27/12/2023 19:20

I am willing to go to counselling and do everything I possibly can to make it work. I am just so fed up of doing everything myself and I dont think he can change how selfish he is

So, counselling for yourself is not going to change him. Counselling for yourself is a good idea to figure out how to move forward with your life.

mondaytosunday · 27/12/2023 19:32

Depends. I'd say my husband's children greatly benefitted. He had them every other weekend and for a few holidays. So, instead of his (ex) wife doing the usual organising/transporting SAHP stuff, he had to do it - it was just him and the kids at those times. Consequently they developed a much closer relationship with him. The eldest actually moved in with us after we married. In equaled up the responsibilities.