To think children suffer the most from divorce

[Mirabelle2]

I am really unhappy in my marriage, My husband became very lazy once our children arrived and I have just grown more and more resentful. His priorities were up the wall and felt as though I was doing everything on my own anyway. A few weeks ago I asked him to leave, which he did, he is still having regular contact with the DC (more so than before). We have told the children that he is looking after his parents house whilst they are away for 2 months as I cant tell them unless I know it is final, the thing is, I think I am happier on my own. I just feel so so guilty for the kids like I am ruining them by making this decision. I keep trying to force myself for these feelings to come back and I really do want them to but I just dont think they will. He still tries to be intimate with me on occasion but I find it exhausting and like I dont want to see him in case he initiates anything?

What is happening to me? I always thought I would love this man forever :(

I think the issue with this debate is that leaving a bad marriage is framed as a choice unless there is abuse. In reality it is very hard to fake a good relationship over multiple years. There are obviously marriages which appear to be on the rocks but which might be saved with a lot of work or where there are issues and compromises to be made but overall things are tolerable. But if you’ve got to the point where you have no feelings for the other person or actively dislike them and have tried and can’t work through that I don’t think it’s as easy as just staying and having enough self-control not to show hostility to each other in front of the children.

The other issue is that it takes two to try to make things work. I might have been able to stay with my ex and had at least a civil relationship with him but I would have had to do all the housework and childcare for the remainder of our marriage with zero complaint whilst holding down my career (and forgiving his affair and a load of other stuff) and having sex I didn’t want. In reality I couldn’t have tolerated that long term without showing resentment and I think it would have been an awful example to my boys.

I agree divorce often has a negative affect on children but once you’re in a really bad relationship I don’t think it’s always realistic or desirable to stay together for the children.

Think practically about what your life would be like if you divorced (likely to involve lower living standards and in time, stepparents and other children) and think about what would make you happier in your current marriage (maybe dropping a night of sport for a date night, no sex for three months whilst you have counselling, paying for a cleaner, a childfree holiday).

Personally from what you’ve said I think you’d risk regretting not trying harder in your marriage.

He treats you like his mother not his wife so it would be quite difficult to feel affectionate towards him!

I have the same. Zero desire to be affectionate with my DH as its me that does almost everything. He prioritises his dogs and phone. I cook, clean, work 38 hours a week term time, food shop, laundry, child care etc...

Just be honest with him. Tell him it's near impossible to show affection when he treats you like his mum not his equal. Well done for asking him to move out!

This! My two were 3 & 7 when I separated from their dad - they didn't see him much before as he did shift work, and he had no involvement in their lives on a practical level, so when he moved out nothing really changed for them! They never got upset or cried, or even asked why or when was daddy coming back, they honestly didn't seem that affected! They now have an amazing stepdad who has been more of a dad (emotionally, financially, in every way) to them in the last 5 years than their actual dad!

Not the same situation but ….As a teen, I used to fantasise about my dad leaving my unpleasant mother and meeting a lovely middle-aged divorcee. Sometimes, it would be a specific woman such as a friend’s lovely aunt! Children do pick up on dismal marriages, whatever the reason for the dismal-ness.

Also, don’t leave it until the youngest has just gone off to uni because it will be obvious that you were just biding your time. That happened to a uni friend of mine in our first year (October 1990). She found out at Christmas that her unhappy mum had met another man about four years prior and was waiting to be with him (the man’s ex-wife told my friend when they bumped into each other on a night out and when my friend asked her mum about it, she admitted it). Guilt all round. I recall the tearful ‘phone call from my friend like it was last week.

Also, many couples who are together “for the children” are really together for financial reasons. Obviously, finance impacts the children too and is an important factor so it’s understandable. But let’s be honest, these people are not being entirely altruistic.

My parents never got divorced. I learnt to put up with shit from lazy men because that is what I was raised with. Bad parenting can happen within a marriage or out of it

You say he's being a more active parent since you've separated so the situation for the kids has already been improved by him leaving though this could temporary or ruse to get things back to where they were.

If you are seriously considering rekindling the relationship he needs to understand that it's as much on him if not far more then you, what is required of a father and a husband, and it's a long road.

It doesn't start with you forcing yourself to be intimate with a man you don't like, it ends with you wanting to be intimate with a man that you like and like that, again.

I was a child of divorce.

Thank fuck. My dad was a useless dick. Even if there isn't abuse, I think there are often better outcomes than two parents sticking it out when desperately unhappy.

Before you have children make a commitment to giving them a stable home. That’s a 20 year minimal commitment. Your children, always, should come before yourself, needs, desires -these change all the time. If you can’t both commit to being there for your children, dont have them. You don’t deserve them and they certainly don’t deserve you! In this case - sit down with your partner and talk . Put the children first and create the best solution for them. Not for you or him. You and he dont count in this. You’ve made your mistakes. The children you created come first. Always!

@Ishbel38 congratulations, that is the biggest and most sanctimonious pile of shit I have ever read on this website, no mean feat here.

Before you have children make a commitment to giving them a stable home. That’s a 20 year minimal commitment

A stable home doesn’t have to be an unhappy two parent household.

I disagree with @Ishbel38 , the best thing you can do for your children is to put effort into your relationship with each other and model what a good relationship can be. My ex was the sort who would prioritise children above all else, unfortunately he put me bottom of the pile. It took me 5 years to realise that I couldn’t make a relationship work by myself. I actually got to the point where I felt so superfluous I wished I wasn’t there any more, but I wouldn’t take any steps because I refused to leave my children dealing with that. Leaving the marriage was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and it was really hard on the children. But we co-parented mostly amicably, and they are lovely young adults now with way more relationship knowledge than I had at their age.

the best thing we could have done for our children was to keep our relationship working with mutual respect and love, but the second best thing we could do was prioritise our children when our relationship ended and I think we managed that

2 people in a miserable relationship is not a stable home though.

If you're forcing yourself to have sex and modelling being treated as the household skivvy, that's hardly creating a happy home or providing an example of a healthy relationship for them.

Of course divorce impacts children either in the short term and in the long term. Sometimes both.

It will make them conscious about their future family relationships.

Being in a household quarrelling/abusive parents is horrible. So is being ferried between households where you hear/overhear the other parent being criticised.

My kids suffered when me and their dad split up, but they would have suffered far far more if we had stayed together.

Being the children of miserable parents teaches so much. I’d prefer to teach my children that their happiness is important too, even when they’re an adult with children of their own.

If a relationship can genuinely be rekindled, great, but if not you’re teaching your children to put up with rubbish relationships.

IME children of divorce suffer when parents handle it acrimoniously, and often where there is abuse or infidelity, in which case I still think divorce is preferable to dragging on a marriage for the sake of the children.

Strongly disagree with this. Children are negatively affected by having unhappily married parents and a poor model of relationships.

What a pile of bollocks.

No ‘of course’ about it. It doesn’t always. Nor do children always end up ‘ferried between households’ or hearing the other parent criticised. Some divorced parents are amicable, believe it or not. And if one or both parties can’t be amicable, they’re certainly better off divorced.

My DD12 was 7 when me and exH split. He was a joy sucking, lazy, ungrateful shit but he wasn’t violent or cheating on me. He just made me miserable and our house always had an “atmosphere”. DD was really upset for a few days and unsettled for maybe 6 months. She asked us both to go for dinner one Saturday with her and we did and we both tried and it was awkward and uncomfortable and she said “oh yes, I remember now, let’s not do that again” and we haven’t. She’s more than happy living with me and has regular contact with her dad. I used to ask but don’t need to anymore and she would tell me she was now much happier like this and had no desire for us all to live together again (I doubt she’d lie, she tends to be honest in spite of the risk to other peoples feelings!)
I think you can’t divorce without everyone crying a few years but living life with parents who separated can be peaceful, stable and happy for kids and can be far less damaging than continuing on for many more years living in a stressful environment with a couple who shouldn’t be together.

Eduted to add ExH and I don’t criticise one another and DD isn’t “ferried about”. My ExH picks her up from school on his contact days as I do on mine. She has a bedroom in both houses, clothes, toys, touletries etc.. Effectively she has 2 homes and is happy with that

I was very young when my parents split and it honestly had no affect on me whatsoever.

I think if the split is amicable and both parties act in the best interest of the children then everyone hopefully will get through it okay.

Children do pick up on things quite easily and your children are likely to notice this especially if the resentment intensifies and I personally think a child flourishes better with happy parents.

I was positively impacted by my parents divorcing.

Don’t get me wrong, it felt crap when they split up when I was 9. But I’ve been very aware, since I was about 18 that it actually enormously benefited me and my sibling. And had been quite happy with life for some years prior to that emphatic realisation.

I quite simply cannot see how my parents were ever together at all, they are so fundamentally different as people.

I am glad to have had my stepdads influence in my life for almost 25 years now, he is a lovely person who has balanced out my two biological parents more challenging inherited traits through nurture and patience.

My parents divorced when I was nine. It took me about 4 years to feel functional but I got there.

My mum tried her damn best, I had great grandparents that took us in while mum found her feet.

I once phoned my grandad and said please come , daddy is going to kill mummy. I have a sketchy memory of this, I knew my house phone and grandma and grandad's phone number off by heart from about age 5. So it was nice to not hear the screaming and bust ups, them both crying.

Things were hard for a while but my mum did the right thing in leaving. I respect her for her decision to protect us all. My mum left with nothing but she loved us, that's all that mattered to me as a child.

They did attempt a civil Christmas in the same house a couple of months after we had left and it was strained and weird. They sat in different rooms and I felt like things were different. It would have been better to stay separate and not "try."

Wanted to leave my ex when my child was 5
but stayed with a crappy partner as I thought it was best for our daughter,
big mistake much harder at 18 for her
wish I’d got out years ago it’s so bad for kids to stay in a toxic family