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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by my miserable mum's birthday

128 replies

Scribbydigs · 19/02/2023 22:13

It's my mum's 60th next weekend. I've booked us a spa day at a nice spa with massages, facials, manicure, pedicure and afternoon tea. Costing £600+ for both of us. She likes spas and massages and hasn't been for a massage since before Covid so thought it would be a nice thing to do.

Typically for my mum, she doesn't seem particularly up for it, seems to be treating it like it's a hassle, an inconvenience to her schedule (despite the fact she's retired and mostly watches TV and does gardening).

I suspect that on the day she's going to be miserable and moan and criticise everything. Even though it's a lovely spa in a 5 star hotel, there will be something that won't be up to her high standards. And I'm dreading it. But if I didn't do anything like this for her birthday she would sink into a deep depression, can't please her. I've spent my life trying to cheer her up to no avail.

Aibu to be getting upset by this? Any tips for getting through the day?

OP posts:
Grizzledstrawberry · 19/02/2023 22:17

I think its time to put yourself first and stop trying to please her, especially if you can't win either way. Its a awful lot of money to spend on someone who doesn't appreciate it, you shouldn't do it again, stop seeking her approval because you will never get it from someone like that.

Twinedpeaks · 19/02/2023 22:17

Just say it to her "mum you know I've organised next weekend as I wanted to treat you on your birthday and you love massages. But I ge true feeling you're not looking forward to it, would you like me to cancel"

Then it becomes something she's chosen rather than something youve done 'to her'

Stichintime · 19/02/2023 22:18

Accept you will never please her, however much money is spent and effort is made.

Thatiswild · 19/02/2023 22:19

My mum can turn anything into a negative, honestly anything! I think in this situation I would have to say something as the pp suggested, call her out on being not keen - if she’s not then take someone else as it’ll be a right pita!

Original poster
Scribbydigs · 19/02/2023 22:20

Also to note that it was my dad's 60th a few years ago and me and my sister took him to a big sporting event so I feel I have to make a gesture of similar size for my mum's 60th, regardless of how little she'll appreciate it.

OP posts:
Transcriber · 19/02/2023 22:21

I agree with @Twinedpeaks but I wouldn't offer to cancel but suggest you take a partner/friend instead, someone who will appreciate and enjoy it. Then get your mum a lovely card and a bunch of flowers or something for her garden, stating you know she'd enjoy this more given her lack of enthusiasm for what you had planned foe her originally. Enjoy your spa day.

Grizzledstrawberry · 19/02/2023 22:21

Scribbydigs · 19/02/2023 22:20

Also to note that it was my dad's 60th a few years ago and me and my sister took him to a big sporting event so I feel I have to make a gesture of similar size for my mum's 60th, regardless of how little she'll appreciate it.

Was he appreciative of such a generous gift?

MichelleScarn · 19/02/2023 22:25

Also agree with twined above. Take your dp or dsis if you get on if mum says no!

Original poster
Scribbydigs · 19/02/2023 22:25

Grizzledstrawberry · 19/02/2023 22:21

Was he appreciative of such a generous gift?

Show quote history

Yes he loved it! Although I don't need any huge appreciation, I just want her to enjoy herself. But she never does. I guess it makes me feel like it's my fault and that I've created disappointment.

OP posts:
MrsRickAstley · 19/02/2023 22:26

Is it something she actually wants to do ?

BlueberryBuffin · 19/02/2023 22:26

If she's going to be grumpy either way you might as well save yourself the £600 and look at her grumpy face for free

Toddlerteaplease · 19/02/2023 22:27

I agree with a PP. take a friend who'll appreciate it!

KettrickenSmiled · 19/02/2023 22:28

Aibu to be getting upset by this?
Well - it would be lovely NOT to get upset by it, but you're only human & no doubt have had a lifetime of your mum performing misery at you, engineered to make you feel bad at her martyrdom, so stop blaming yourself.

Any tips for getting through the day?
Yup. Cancel it, get a refund, or if that's not possible, ask for a credit note which you can redeem for yourself or with a friend at a later date.
What's the point of blowing that huge sum of money on something yourt mum won't enjoy, & subjecting yourself to her presence all day while she moans about your treat?

Have you ever had counselling to help you to separate your feelings from your mother's? I am absolutely NOT suggesting there is anything wrong with you btw.
Just that - this is quite the burden to carry as an adult, & as a youngster, it must have been horrendous, & left a mark on you. If you find the right counsellor - & it's ok to 'shop around' until you click with one - you will be able to unpick the enmeshment & find new ways of coping. It won't change your mum, her negativity, or her attempts to drag you down with her - but it WILL change your response to her, & deal with the FOG that you are trapped in (see link).

outofthefog.website/

Whether your mother is personality disordered or not isn't the issue btw - your response to her behaviour patterns is the issue. Have a good browse of the FOG site, especially the Toolbox section. Set yourself free by learning new ways of deflecting her behaviour patterns. Flowers

PurpleButterflyWings · 19/02/2023 22:31

I think you are being massively unreasonable. Unless your mum specifically said she wanted a 600 pounds spa day, why on earth did you spend so much money on it? Something she didn't even ask for.

I can think of very few things worse than spending the whole day in a bloody spa. Absolutely bloody awful. I would tell my DC flat out 'you best get a refund, coz I'm not coming.' If that makes me miserable, so be it. But I'm too old and long in the tooth to be forced and bullied and emotionally blackmailed into doing things I don't want to do.

I'm with your mum.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/02/2023 22:31

BlueberryBuffin · 19/02/2023 22:26

If she's going to be grumpy either way you might as well save yourself the £600 and look at her grumpy face for free

Apologies to OP but this made me snigger out loud.

OP - if you can use snark & humour to feel a bit better, please do. Her misery is NOT your cross to bear x

Grizzledstrawberry · 19/02/2023 22:32

Scribbydigs · 19/02/2023 22:25

Yes he loved it! Although I don't need any huge appreciation, I just want her to enjoy herself. But she never does. I guess it makes me feel like it's my fault and that I've created disappointment.

Show quote history

She is creating her own disappointment, most people would be over the moon with a present like that, I know I would be. If she's determined to be miserable nothing you do will change that, Unfortunately some people just like to moan.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/02/2023 22:33

PurpleButterflyWings · 19/02/2023 22:31

I think you are being massively unreasonable. Unless your mum specifically said she wanted a 600 pounds spa day, why on earth did you spend so much money on it? Something she didn't even ask for.

I can think of very few things worse than spending the whole day in a bloody spa. Absolutely bloody awful. I would tell my DC flat out 'you best get a refund, coz I'm not coming.' If that makes me miserable, so be it. But I'm too old and long in the tooth to be forced and bullied and emotionally blackmailed into doing things I don't want to do.

I'm with your mum.

You are clearly NOT with OP's mum, about whom OP has clearly stated:
She likes spas and massages

Transcriber · 19/02/2023 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Hadalifeonce · 19/02/2023 22:35

Can you ensure that you don't have treatments at the same time?

SnackyOnassis · 19/02/2023 22:35

If you think she'd actually enjoy the experience at all, maybe offer to give your place to a friend of hers who can tolerate her mean spirit? That way she can't complain about not getting a fabulous gift, but you don't have to put up with her pretending to be hating every second of it. It's a lot of money to spend but oh, the relief for you of not having to do it yourself!

PurpleButterflyWings · 19/02/2023 22:35

KettrickenSmiled · 19/02/2023 22:33

You are clearly NOT with OP's mum, about whom OP has clearly stated:
She likes spas and massages

Show quote history

I missed that bit. SORRY @Scribbydigs

I will change my vote to YANBU. SORRY Blush

Cuppsoupmonster · 19/02/2023 22:35

I put YABU not because it wasn’t a nice thing to do. But because you are flogging a dead horse, have been for years, and are now complaining about it. Just stop 🤷🏼‍♀️ she’s a joyless fun sponge who won’t change. Just ask outright ‘mum would you like me to cancel? It just sounds like you’re stressing about it when it’s supposed to be fun’. And don’t try again, you’ll only get the same result (as you know)

Fairyliz · 19/02/2023 22:37

Blimey can I adopt you? I would adore to be taken on a spa day it’s my favourite thing ever.
To be serious I would love to do anything with my adult children, spa days, lunch or even a walk and coffee. She seems very ungrateful.

Transcriber · 19/02/2023 22:38

@PurpleButterflyWings Plus, a lot of people don't ask for specific birthday gifts, and that's the wonderful thing about giving people you love lovely, thoughtful surprises. But I'm guessing you are one of those people who would ask if you could have the receipt even before you open a gift, so determined you would be to be disappointed and ungrateful.

Cuppsoupmonster · 19/02/2023 22:38

Fairyliz · 19/02/2023 22:37

Blimey can I adopt you? I would adore to be taken on a spa day it’s my favourite thing ever.
To be serious I would love to do anything with my adult children, spa days, lunch or even a walk and coffee. She seems very ungrateful.

It’s always the people with lovely family who don’t appreciate them isn’t it 😕