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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by my miserable mum's birthday

128 replies

Scribbydigs · 19/02/2023 22:13

It's my mum's 60th next weekend. I've booked us a spa day at a nice spa with massages, facials, manicure, pedicure and afternoon tea. Costing £600+ for both of us. She likes spas and massages and hasn't been for a massage since before Covid so thought it would be a nice thing to do.

Typically for my mum, she doesn't seem particularly up for it, seems to be treating it like it's a hassle, an inconvenience to her schedule (despite the fact she's retired and mostly watches TV and does gardening).

I suspect that on the day she's going to be miserable and moan and criticise everything. Even though it's a lovely spa in a 5 star hotel, there will be something that won't be up to her high standards. And I'm dreading it. But if I didn't do anything like this for her birthday she would sink into a deep depression, can't please her. I've spent my life trying to cheer her up to no avail.

Aibu to be getting upset by this? Any tips for getting through the day?

OP posts:
PandasAreUseless · 20/02/2023 08:52

Snap OP!
My mum's the same.
I took her for a surprise lunch at Claridges for her 60th. I was only 30 at the time and it cost me a bomb.
She was really overwhelmed, but told me several sob stories on the day and said it's sad that noone had done this for her sooner. And even in Claridges, there were a few things that weren't good enough - an egg not runny enough, and a girl at the next table playing with her hair.
It's her 70th soon, so I'm taking her away for a few days. I booked a really nice flat - way nicer than I'd book just for me and DH. When I confirmed by text that it was booked she just text back and asked "is there any parking?" She hasn't said a word about it since and hasn't said thank you or even acknowledged that I'm doing this for her.
When we're there, in a few months time, there will be SO much that she won't be happy with. There will be something wrong with the flat, the pub we eat in will be too noisy, or the town will be too scruffy, or she'll be rude to the staff, or she'll slag off a couple daring to have an alcoholic drink with their children in tow. She once complained that a beach was 'too sandy'!
I cope by telling myself that I'm doing these things FOR ME. It's so that when she dies, god love her, I know I've done these nice things for her and been a 'good daughter'.

ChaToilLeam · 20/02/2023 08:52

I think you have to accept that you can never ever please her. Give yourself permission to stop trying.

QuinnofHearts · 20/02/2023 09:00

This is 100% my mum, and I stopped buying her things for birthday and Christmas a few years ago. She doesn't appreciate them.

Untitledsquatboulder · 20/02/2023 09:05

I think that, if you go through with it, you can rest in the knowledge that you've tried your best and treated your parents equally. It is possible that, despite the grumpiness now, she may actually (sectetly) enjoy it - or she may not - but either way, you've tried. And next year you can give her a book.

Bibbling · 20/02/2023 09:08

Twinedpeaks · 19/02/2023 22:17

Just say it to her "mum you know I've organised next weekend as I wanted to treat you on your birthday and you love massages. But I ge true feeling you're not looking forward to it, would you like me to cancel"

Then it becomes something she's chosen rather than something youve done 'to her'

Exactly this and cancel if she isn’t enthusiastic and give her a voucher instead.

My mother is like this, she’s in her 70s and now we just don’t bother as much. This, of course, makes her angrier and more bitter but we got sick of doing things and having them thrown back - she was too rushed, didn’t like the food, hotel was too quiet etc.

Whyisitsososohard · 20/02/2023 09:08

Oh hun I totally get this! My mum is really similar. It's so hard so sending love and solidarity to start with!

I get you, like you can't win. Do you feel your mum has mental health issues? Or maybe it's just her personality? With mine it's probably both. It's also hard because I want to just enjoy things with her but also be empathetic that she may nit feel relaxed and happy.

It's cause me my own issues with menta health and how I am with others. As it made me feel never good enough.

SuperSonicMonic · 20/02/2023 09:09

I get that your Mom’s a misery OP. But you say she watches TV & does gardening mostly, & although she likes spa’s she hasn’t been since COVID. Do you think she’s still got the COVID fear? A lot of people feel differently since this. Perhaps she was expecting a surprise party.

CantMakeHeadNorTail · 20/02/2023 09:14

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

CAJIE · 20/02/2023 09:14

Perhaps she does not like being 60.It is a very ageist society.Or she might actually need to work and not watch tv and its many funeral ads and stereotypes of retired life.You cant cheer her up unless u find out what she wants.A new life.A new man.Ask her.But dont try to make things better all the time.
Its too much

ItchyBillco · 20/02/2023 09:34

Twinedpeaks · 19/02/2023 22:17

Just say it to her "mum you know I've organised next weekend as I wanted to treat you on your birthday and you love massages. But I ge true feeling you're not looking forward to it, would you like me to cancel"

Then it becomes something she's chosen rather than something youve done 'to her'

This is how I handle my mother, who has similar tendencies.

Give them the decision power, then it removes the power from the moaning. It’s miserable as shit to be around though.

“You never do anything for my birthday.”
”I booked a £600 five star hotel and spa, you told me you didn’t want to go and to cancel it.”

“This isn’t very good. This/that isn’t up to standard.”
”I asked you if you wanted me to cancel the booking, mum. You said you wanted to go.”

Soozikinzii · 20/02/2023 10:10

What a lovely thing to do for you mum ! As a mother of sons I would so love to do that with an imaginary DD ! I would call her bluff a bit and offer to take a friend instead and buy her something for the garden and see how she responds .

PrinceHaz · 20/02/2023 10:13

ItchyBillco · 20/02/2023 09:34

This is how I handle my mother, who has similar tendencies.

Give them the decision power, then it removes the power from the moaning. It’s miserable as shit to be around though.

“You never do anything for my birthday.”
”I booked a £600 five star hotel and spa, you told me you didn’t want to go and to cancel it.”

“This isn’t very good. This/that isn’t up to standard.”
”I asked you if you wanted me to cancel the booking, mum. You said you wanted to go.”

Show quote history

I have a MIL like this. Im not sure reminding them that it’s as their choice works. Their agenda is simply to moan so nothing you say about their decisions will stop them moaning.
With MIL, I do nice things for her and just nod if she complains about what I’ve not done or just smile and sit in silence for longer than is comfortable for her.

diddl · 20/02/2023 10:14

Never having done one-is a spa day actually a day?

If so-would one treatment plus afternoon tea be better?

Or just afternoon tea with both you & your sister for example?

AioliandChips · 20/02/2023 10:14

I can think of very few things worse than spending the whole day in a bloody spa

Me too. Glad I'm not alone:)

Soakitup37 · 20/02/2023 10:41

Scribbydigs · 19/02/2023 22:25

Yes he loved it! Although I don't need any huge appreciation, I just want her to enjoy herself. But she never does. I guess it makes me feel like it's my fault and that I've created disappointment.

Show quote history

this sounds like something you’ve carried your whole life, somehow trying to get approval and acceptance from your mother and she’s never happy. Damned if you do /don’t.

you need to give yourself permission to let this go, you do not owe your mother anything especially when it’s never gratefully received.

be kind to yourself. I’d tell mother she clearly doesn’t like the spa idea so you’ve cancelled it(or go with a friend if it can’t be cancelled)

and just do a tea and cake lunch and be done with it.

follyfoot37 · 20/02/2023 10:50

Scribbydigs · 19/02/2023 22:13

It's my mum's 60th next weekend. I've booked us a spa day at a nice spa with massages, facials, manicure, pedicure and afternoon tea. Costing £600+ for both of us. She likes spas and massages and hasn't been for a massage since before Covid so thought it would be a nice thing to do.

Typically for my mum, she doesn't seem particularly up for it, seems to be treating it like it's a hassle, an inconvenience to her schedule (despite the fact she's retired and mostly watches TV and does gardening).

I suspect that on the day she's going to be miserable and moan and criticise everything. Even though it's a lovely spa in a 5 star hotel, there will be something that won't be up to her high standards. And I'm dreading it. But if I didn't do anything like this for her birthday she would sink into a deep depression, can't please her. I've spent my life trying to cheer her up to no avail.

Aibu to be getting upset by this? Any tips for getting through the day?

Is this the type of day she wants or is it one that you would like and so are projecting? Personally I can think of nothing worse than a spa, but understand that many people do enjoy them!
And as for always trying to please your mum...well, sometimes it is just impossible and you may have to call her bluff. Next year, just give her a card and say 'I know you don't like a fuss, but if you fancy lunch/trip to Wisley/insert something here, let me know". Then the ball is in her court - you may find that nothing pleases her, or you may find a previously undiscovered interest she may have!

Hbh17 · 20/02/2023 11:04

Some people just aren't interested in their own birthdays - I always ignore my own! (And I'm not very keen on spas either).
So maybe you have booked something not to her taste?

But the bottom line is that it's not your job to make her happy. If she wants to stay quietly at home, that's fine. Feels as if you are trying a bit too hard? Just stop, send a card, and then forget about it all.

BellePeppa · 20/02/2023 11:07

Crikey why is she so grumpy at only 60? 60 is still young (I should know) and nowhere near past enjoying things. My mum’s not grumpy as such but she has no interests and has never had a frivolous bone in her body so presents to her have always been functional, plain, dull etc at least that way they’re appreciated although I get zero enjoyment from buying them (it’s nice to be excited by a present you’re giving).

If I were you I’d stop trying to ‘please’ her, ask her what she’d like and just get that even if is not really a joyful occasion for you.

WandaWonder · 20/02/2023 11:15

It is a lovely thought but even though you mentioned she has liked massages in the past maybe she had other ideas in her head? It isher birthday so would it have been better to actually ask what she wanted to do herself and gone with that?

You made a decision, well intended, but now she is not acting the way you want she is in the wrong?

I would like to be asked what I want to do for my birthday, if I chose yo celebrate it that is so do the same for others

Atethehalloweenchocs · 20/02/2023 11:18

Repeat to yourself all day - 'I have done everything I can, it is her choice if she enjoys herself or not'. If she expects a response, says 'sorry you feel that way' and move on. You sound like a good person and a great daughter. Take care, hope you can enjoy the spa treatment.

Original poster
Scribbydigs · 20/02/2023 11:19

@PandasAreUseless It's rubbish isn't it. I guess that's kind of why I'm doing it too. At least I'll have some consolation that I've tried. I also wish I had a mum who enjoyed spending time with me and foolishly still live in hope that one day she might!

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 20/02/2023 11:23

Twinedpeaks · 19/02/2023 22:17

Just say it to her "mum you know I've organised next weekend as I wanted to treat you on your birthday and you love massages. But I ge true feeling you're not looking forward to it, would you like me to cancel"

Then it becomes something she's chosen rather than something youve done 'to her'

This. Or take your best friend.

Cliffordthebigreddog · 20/02/2023 11:27

My mum is exactly the same, always finds the negative in things, just seems to enjoy moaning. Some posters have said maybe she’s worried about this and that, but unless you have a mum like this it is very hard to understand. No matter what I do for my mum it’s not good enough, always been the same but I’ve had counselling in recent years (I’m 47 now) and have realised it’s not my fault and no matter what, she will moan so now I have changed my mindset. Her negativity and misery is nothing to do with me!

I would do as a PP said and tell her that as she doesn’t seem at all keen then you’ll take someone else. Good luck!

CuriousMama · 20/02/2023 11:28

Scribbydigs · 20/02/2023 08:11

@piedbeauty Because she would sink into a big depression and possibly harm herself if I told her how she makes me feel.

You do know that's emotional blackmail? Has she always been abusive?

You didn't choose to be born to her. You owe her nothing. She sounds dreadful.

Please stop pandering to this awful person.

Cliffordthebigreddog · 20/02/2023 11:30

Scribbydigs · 20/02/2023 11:19

@PandasAreUseless It's rubbish isn't it. I guess that's kind of why I'm doing it too. At least I'll have some consolation that I've tried. I also wish I had a mum who enjoyed spending time with me and foolishly still live in hope that one day she might!

I feel exactly the same about my mum! I long for a mum who wants to spend time with me and do nice things. Ive asked my mum if she wants to go for a coffee before and she said “why? I’ve got coffee at home” always negative and horrible with me and siblings but to any of her friends totally normal…..would happily go for a coffee, very weird!