To be upset by my miserable mum's birthday

[Scribbydigs]

It's my mum's 60th next weekend. I've booked us a spa day at a nice spa with massages, facials, manicure, pedicure and afternoon tea. Costing £600+ for both of us. She likes spas and massages and hasn't been for a massage since before Covid so thought it would be a nice thing to do.

Typically for my mum, she doesn't seem particularly up for it, seems to be treating it like it's a hassle, an inconvenience to her schedule (despite the fact she's retired and mostly watches TV and does gardening).

I suspect that on the day she's going to be miserable and moan and criticise everything. Even though it's a lovely spa in a 5 star hotel, there will be something that won't be up to her high standards. And I'm dreading it. But if I didn't do anything like this for her birthday she would sink into a deep depression, can't please her. I've spent my life trying to cheer her up to no avail.

Aibu to be getting upset by this? Any tips for getting through the day?

Purple, you're a star to nip back just to hold your hand up for mis-reading.
Most PP either ignore/flounce or double down, (easy on a anonymous forum). I'm impressed by your candour & ability to own it - OP's got enough to be thinking on without beating herself up for (excuse me OP) trying a bit too hard to make her mum happy.

I think it's more for you than her

I am nearly 60, love a facial but only with my trusted beautician. I'd hate a spa day.

Thanks @KettrickenSmiled that's nice of you to say.

Again @Scribbydigs Sorry for not reading your OP properly!!! I do skip read sometimes, especially late at night. And as I said, YANBU, and you have done a nice thing, and your mother DOES sound a bit of a grumpy gills! I changed my vote to YANBU. Good job it's possible to do that!

This

@blippyissilly can you expand on your reasoning? I can't see from what I've read on this thread where you might have got that impression. Am I missing something?

Cancel it!! Get someone to go round to her house and give home spa treatment and organise for afternoon tea delivery! You can pop round and run away as soon as she starts moaning.

But if I didn't do anything like this for her birthday she would sink into a deep depression, can't please her. I've spent my life trying to cheer her up to no avail.

People don't suddenly sink into deep depression for something like this unless they are already suffering from depression. Has she been treated or seen by a GP at all?

Give her one last chance to say if she wants to go, if she says not them cancel it if you can. If big then take a book and tell her it's a silent retreat and chill out

If not ! (Not big )

I would honestly be a bit worried about her. It is easy to roll your eyes about her, but if she is never happy, if nothing makes her smile, then might she be depressed or suffering with some other mental or physical illness? I don't doubt that she must be quite hard to be around, but she does sound very sad.

Sounds like my dmum. Took her to London for her birthday. Full day, followed by seeing a West End show and dinner.
On the train home she told me "it wasn't too bad for a musical".
I should have said "oh do fuck off".

Oh OP she sounds exactly like my mum (recently diagnosed with severe depression after as many years as I can remember).

You've done a lovely thing for her. Sometimes I find I just have to remember that despite my mum never seeming appreciative of all the million things I do to try and help her feel better I know I'll always know I kept trying xx

Sounds like you just kind of threw money at it. My mum would also hate this. Why would you do this then ask for sympathy??

Maybe she doesn't like the faff or attention. She maybe miserable but it does sound like you've chosen something you know she won't like. Why?

@Sometimeswinning read the OP again. The mum likes spa days and massages
.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but is she maybe stressing a bit about her big birthday coming up? Or does she stress about events? I know someone who gets really anxious about doing something different, even though they normally end up having a brilliant time when it comes to it.

Set up a game of mental bingo. Mentally list all the things you might expect her to say. Score a point for every one she says on the day. Plan to reward yourself with different prizes depending on how many points you score. It helps change the endless negativity into something of a positive!

OP, I think I need this spa day much more than your mum and oh my word I’d be grateful. Just let me know when and I’ll be there 🤣

Before covid. I read it. I just think the op sounds as miserable. She knew straight away her mum would be negative. Then bitches mum is negative.

I agree her mum is completely unappreciative but she sounds similar to my mum who has gotten worse with age and worse since covid. I just change my expectations.

I can think of a couple of Ladies who would worry about the traffic, or being away from home for a bit longer than normal (and actually I can think of a couple of people younger than them who have felt they don't want to leave home since the COVID lockdowns..). One of those Ladies won't even go to her holiday home anymore.

Might be something along these lines going on... ?

She actually sounds like she has very low self esteem- demands to be made a fuss of for the validation but then can't cope with being the centre of things and it being nice so she self sabotages and ruins it. I always think the only thing worse than being with a difficult person like that, is being a difficult person like that. If she's constantly criticising everything how miserable a place must her head be. My mum is very similar and that helped me have a bit of empathy for her because I'm at least happy in myself and my life and she isn't.

Thank you @KettrickenSmiled I have had therapy and found it helpful. I was raised to feel responsible and guilty for her feelings and I know that's not right. It's still hard though!

And yes you're right @Transcriber she always just says not to worry about getting her anything if asked what she wants. But would be deeply, deeply upset if we actually didn't get her anything!

Any sort of negative comments from now you say you will take a friend instead..
And do so.

What a lovely daughter you sound.

You can’t ultimately fix your dm’s emotional well-being and attitude so try not to load that huge burden onto your shoulders.

I hope she is grateful for you and the lovely treat for her birthday.

I'm just wondering how all these people are managing to retire before they are 60!