To be upset by my miserable mum's birthday

[Scribbydigs]

It's my mum's 60th next weekend. I've booked us a spa day at a nice spa with massages, facials, manicure, pedicure and afternoon tea. Costing £600+ for both of us. She likes spas and massages and hasn't been for a massage since before Covid so thought it would be a nice thing to do.

Typically for my mum, she doesn't seem particularly up for it, seems to be treating it like it's a hassle, an inconvenience to her schedule (despite the fact she's retired and mostly watches TV and does gardening).

I suspect that on the day she's going to be miserable and moan and criticise everything. Even though it's a lovely spa in a 5 star hotel, there will be something that won't be up to her high standards. And I'm dreading it. But if I didn't do anything like this for her birthday she would sink into a deep depression, can't please her. I've spent my life trying to cheer her up to no avail.

Aibu to be getting upset by this? Any tips for getting through the day?

@BellePeppa Good question. I wish I knew. She's always been like this. She was miserable being a mum, miserable when we all left home, and now she's miserable despite being able retire early with my dad to the coast. I know she'll never change.

Your post resonated with me, because my father treats anything outside his routine as though it's a hassle and something that's stressing him out. He often complains about outings, holidays etc before and during. But, he often remembers things afterwards in a really positive way! I find it increasingly draining to deal with.

I think it's partly about ageing, and his routine becoming incredibly important, and I think there may be a neurodiverse factor at work as well (two other recent diagnoses in the family so we are looking at his behaviours in a new light).

If spa visit/massage etc. is something your mother normally enjoys, and if the amount you are spending is something you can afford without hardship, I don't think I'd cancel right off the bat. I think what a PP suggested is a good idea; just check in with her to say that you felt she mightn't be looking forward to the event, and would she prefer it to be cancelled/do something different for her birthday? If she says yes, then you can get your money back or take a friend. If she says she'd still like to do it, I'd be inclined to do it, try to get as much of your own independent enjoyment out of it as possible and trust that afterwards she will feel glad she has done it.

But, it depends very much on the broader dynamics of your relationship. While my dad is irritable and anxious much of the time, when he's feeling more relaxed he is vocally appreciative of the support I provide, so I know he's trying.

What's the point of keep trying (and wasting money) if it always ends up the same?

If she doesn't enjoy spending time with you trying to force her to in the guise of a present for her won't work.

Wouldn't it be better to just give her something for herself?

It's obviously awful for you but you're literally paying out a big amount of money to end up upset.

Typically for my mum, she doesn't seem particularly up for it

So you've arranged a treat (for you!) that you know she doesn't really want, then complain at her lack of enthusiasm.

Here's a novel idea; invite her to suggest a birthday treat she'd love?
Maybe she'd like to share it with a special friend?

I’d hate that. I can’t stand spas or surprises.
I appreciate though that you said she enjoyed these things pre-Covid but maybe she’s not so comfortable with close, personal contact now? Lots of people aren’t.

Can you ask her if there’s something she’d rather do instead?

Did you ask her what she wanted to do for her birthday or did you just assume she'd enjoy a spa day?

I know you've said she liked them in the past but that doesn't necessarily mean that's how she wants to spend her birthday.

It's also important to remember that you're not responsible for her happiness.

Could it be that she DOES enjoy spending time with you, but there's lots of complex emotions and issues going on around the edges?
If your mum's 60 and mine's 70, it might be that I'm 10 years further on in my quest to unpick what causes my mum to be how she is.
She really DOES enjoy spending time with me, but is such a negative person and fearful of anything outside of her small comfort zone. She's also hugely judgemental so will pick fault with everyone she comes into contact with. And she's extremely jealous of other people and disapproving of how people spend their money. She brings a Victorian-era level of judgement and drudge to everything she does.
Birthdays were very low key affairs growing up. We were encouraged to minimise achievements to avoid 'bragging'. Even now, if she says she's proud of me for something (and my word is it rare!), she'll caveat it by saying "but not too proud, because that isnt a nice quality".
I'll never forget her at my sister's wedding. She couldn't just have fun and enjoy herself. Instead, she was in the kitchen with a bin bag, tidying up.
Another stark memory - I went on secondment overseas with my job and she came to stay with me for a week. She was so negative about every aspect of the 5 star hotel I was staying in, the area, the staff, even how people looked on the beach in their swimming gear - that I cried for days when she left.
I think when I do something nice for her, any joy she might have got out of it is reduced by her thoughts of "It's not fair that she can afford to do things that I couldn't at her age". Or replace jealousy over money with jealousy over something else.
I now think of her as being trapped by this very restrictive framework that she's created for herself, and try to sympathise as best I can.
It still gets me down from time to time though.

My first Saturday job at a bakery when I was 15 and still at school, only got a pittance but saved a few quid every week so I could get my mum some really nice gold earrings. When I gave then to her Christmas morning she started yelling at me that she wanted slippers, I was gutted. Please take care of you and know you are a lovely kind hearted woman.

The point of keep trying is...she's my mum.
She does enjoy spending time with me, she just can't show it.
And there's no gift that would be good enough, so an experience is easier for me to sort out - even if it might be a bit of a nightmare for me!
As I've said above, I now do these things for me.

You should say to her mum you don't seem like you're looking forward to it. Do you like spa days or would you prefer I cancel?

Does your mum like this spa stuff do you know?

My Mum is also a bit like this, Scribbydigs. She doesn't celebrate birthdays at all now, or Mothers' Day. I've said that's fine, I'm not celebrating mine either - and I don't. Sauce for the goose and all that.

Your Mum might enjoy spa treatments and massages but this is something amplified into something else. It's a lovely treat for somebody who would enjoy an extended hotel stay, meals out, celebration. It doesn't sound as it's your Mum's thing at all actually, miserable people don't tend to rise to occasions where they are the ones not in control.

I say this because my Mum will leap into action if something is needed, she'll call in whatever help she needs from whomever she needs it - and boss everybody around - for somebody else's benefit. For herself, she does not want this same thing. She doesn't want what she doesn't want, and that's the crux of it. If you ask her what she does want, she'll tell you 'I don't want anything'. If that's what you then do, she's sad about it. It's exhausting and maddening.

What would I do in your position? I'd tell her what the plan is - no surprises - and ask her if she is wiling to go and be happy about it. If the answer is no then ask what else she would have wanted - and do that.

Cancel/take a friend/whatever... but no more grand surprises, nothing larger than a favourite chocolate bar or similar, that's what I do and that is met with joy. I think there is anxiety and a problem with accepting gifts from children - as a mother - it's seen by some mothers as 'wrong'. Not a thought that's ever shared by fathers, seemingly, they will accept any gift for what it is.

I'm sorry that your nice gift has been/will be rejected. It's not a rejection of you, it's something in your mother's make-up - and mine. That's what I think anyway and it helps me think of it that way rather than as a rejection of me.

Omg I want to hug you. That's awful 😞

Is she worried about you spending a lot of money on her gift? My Dad can be a bit like that. He can come across as ungrateful.

Sounds like she's happy being miserable and moaning.

I’d be so annoyed if a family member spent £600 on a bloody spa and expected me to stay there all day. I could have gone to Paris for that! Or bought a new coat etc.

Would you tell them so beforehand, or just whinge after they've gone to the effort of booking for you?

Not a whinger so I’d grit my teeth and suck it up, while secretly thinking what a bloody waste.

But my family know better than a. To give me a surprise gift and b. Spend so much money on something so silly.

You do it for you but need tips on how to get through it??

Sorry that I misunderstood about her not enjoying time with you.

It's not just that she doesn't show it though she actively moans & makes you miserable.

With that in mind I would never have contemplated a full day!

If she was a friend would you keep trying?

Why are mums held to a lesser standard?

If you are determined to keep putting yourself through ths I'm not sure that there's much that anyone can say.

diddl, you really don't understand.

You don't get it. That's fine but it's flippant of you to say, "I'm not sure that there much that anyone can say...". Better that they don't rather than be so dismissive.

No, I don't need 'tips' to get through it. I wonder where you've got that from 🤔
I certainly would not persevere with a friend, no.
So why do I with my mum? Because she birthed and raised me, and did her best.
A few weekends here and there of feeling depressed or frustrated with her behaviour won't kill me!
Honestly, people on this forum quit on family so flippantly.

It's understandable to feel upset if your thoughtful gift isn't being received as you hoped. Remember to focus on your intentions and don't take it personally. Try to approach the day with a positive attitude, and perhaps have an open conversation with your mum about how she's feeling. Enjoy your time together and let the experience speak for itself.
How to Take Care of Your Baby’s Health

Sorry I think I've confused you with the Op who asks for tips in the first post

Stop pandering to this miserable woman. You hav egot to set yourself free from this stranglehold she has on you.

@flutterbyebaby
Thats so sad it made me cry. I just want to give the 15 year old you a big hug and say the earrings are lovely.