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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by my miserable mum's birthday

128 replies

Scribbydigs · 19/02/2023 22:13

It's my mum's 60th next weekend. I've booked us a spa day at a nice spa with massages, facials, manicure, pedicure and afternoon tea. Costing £600+ for both of us. She likes spas and massages and hasn't been for a massage since before Covid so thought it would be a nice thing to do.

Typically for my mum, she doesn't seem particularly up for it, seems to be treating it like it's a hassle, an inconvenience to her schedule (despite the fact she's retired and mostly watches TV and does gardening).

I suspect that on the day she's going to be miserable and moan and criticise everything. Even though it's a lovely spa in a 5 star hotel, there will be something that won't be up to her high standards. And I'm dreading it. But if I didn't do anything like this for her birthday she would sink into a deep depression, can't please her. I've spent my life trying to cheer her up to no avail.

Aibu to be getting upset by this? Any tips for getting through the day?

OP posts:
PrinceHaz · 19/02/2023 23:37

I would cancel. It’s so expensive for something she’s going to ruin. Do something that costs a sixth of that and grin and bear the miserable company for the day.

Streamside · 19/02/2023 23:45

It's taken me a long time to realize that my conflicted issues with my own birthday stem from my childhood. I was brought up in a large family of children with very little money and parents with serious mental health issues.As a result, birthdays were a non event and I've genuinely struggled with any fuss being made over my birthday.I've worked in the same job for almost 30 years but have never acknowledged it was my birthday as I'd hate the fuss.
You're doing a lovely thing for your Mother but she may not be able to embrace the day in the way you wish.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 20/02/2023 00:17

So she sounds like the type who moans out of habit. I’d just ignore the moaning. There are some people in this world who despite enjoying themselves feel the need to moan. You can’t control her so control your reaction to it.

when she starts just mentally move her complaints to background noise. Don’t try to fix anything, just let her get on with it.

BoxOfCats · 20/02/2023 07:29

Agree with the posters who have suggested checking with her in advance if she wants to go or cancel. If she moans on the day, just say "oh that's a shame you're not enjoying it, please feel free to go home / wait in the reception and I will meet you later."

MrsDoyle351 · 20/02/2023 07:36

This reply has been deleted

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pussycatinfluffyslippers · 20/02/2023 07:40

Cancel it and get her a box of chocs and some flowers.
Listening to the moaning isn't worth the stress.
Such a shame you have an urgent medical appointment/work meeting/broken car (or any other excuse).

Mine could turn a bunch of flowers to dust with one look. Any opportunity to pour scorn on something and ruin a nice meal or day out.

piedbeauty · 20/02/2023 07:53

PurpleButterflyWings · 19/02/2023 22:31

I think you are being massively unreasonable. Unless your mum specifically said she wanted a 600 pounds spa day, why on earth did you spend so much money on it? Something she didn't even ask for.

I can think of very few things worse than spending the whole day in a bloody spa. Absolutely bloody awful. I would tell my DC flat out 'you best get a refund, coz I'm not coming.' If that makes me miserable, so be it. But I'm too old and long in the tooth to be forced and bullied and emotionally blackmailed into doing things I don't want to do.

I'm with your mum.

What? Op said that her mother likes spas and massages.

And if her mum didn't like the plans, do you really think she's behaving reasonably??
What's wrong with using her words to tell OP how she feels?

How YOU feel about spas is not relevant here.

ChChChChangeName · 20/02/2023 07:54

saltinesandcoffeecups · 20/02/2023 00:17

So she sounds like the type who moans out of habit. I’d just ignore the moaning. There are some people in this world who despite enjoying themselves feel the need to moan. You can’t control her so control your reaction to it.

when she starts just mentally move her complaints to background noise. Don’t try to fix anything, just let her get on with it.

Yes, agree with this. Some people just moan a lot and it’s not necessarily a sign that they don’t want to be there.

In your shoes I’d ask if she wants to do it and if not, go with a friend. If she does, then as far as you can just accept that moaning is her default mode and try to screen it out. My mum moans a lot and I always think it’s a response to feeling a bit awkward- she’s slightly uncomfortable in a smart restaurant so complains about everything to demonstrate (to herself mainly) that it’s not “too good” for her. Bloody annoying but not something that’s going to change.

I realise this is frustrating when you have spent so much but I think that’s the risk of spending so much. I know for my mum telling her the cost would make her moan more (that lunch wasn’t worth £100, I could make it at home for pennies etc etc 😭).

piedbeauty · 20/02/2023 07:56

Op, why not say to her that she doesn't seem very keen on the spa trip and should you cancel it? Say it was a lot of money and you don't want to waste it on something she won't enjoy.

Would it be possible to tell her how you feel about her behaviour/grumpiness and how it's affecting you? 'Oh, Mum, you're so hard to buy things for. You criticise everything I get you - why don't you say what you'd actually like?'

Original poster
Scribbydigs · 20/02/2023 08:11

@piedbeauty Because she would sink into a big depression and possibly harm herself if I told her how she makes me feel.

OP posts:
SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 20/02/2023 08:16

Do you have a good friend you can play bingo /lay bets with? So a score card with
Eye roll
Tut
Asking why such and such wasn't offered
Comparing to previous better days out
Mentioning something else she could be doing
Criticising the towels
Criticising the staff
Etc etc
Then you discreetly text your friend when they happen and either try and fill your bingo card or score the options and have bets on what the final score will be at the end. Then at least you're having fun with it. 😆

Nausrous · 20/02/2023 08:18

You are not responsible for her happiness xx

PrinceHaz · 20/02/2023 08:18

Twinedpeaks · 19/02/2023 22:57

@Sometimeswinning read the OP again. The mum likes spa days and massages
.

I wouldn’t be soquick to dismiss sometimeswinning’s comment. Someone can like something/claim to like something but then behave as if they don’t or actually just feel very overwhelmed by the idea when it comes to it, especially if they’re depressed, suffering with mental issues or plain grumpy.

Billingshurst · 20/02/2023 08:20

BlueberryBuffin · 19/02/2023 22:26

If she's going to be grumpy either way you might as well save yourself the £600 and look at her grumpy face for free

This made me smile

Dippyeggz · 20/02/2023 08:20

Twinedpeaks · 19/02/2023 22:17

Just say it to her "mum you know I've organised next weekend as I wanted to treat you on your birthday and you love massages. But I ge true feeling you're not looking forward to it, would you like me to cancel"

Then it becomes something she's chosen rather than something youve done 'to her'

This is good advice. My mum is exactly the same, and I did something similar for her 70th birthday lunch. I called her bluff, basically. "we'd like to do this for you, but it sounds like you're not really up for it. It's your birthday and your day, so if you really, genuinely don't want this, let me know and I will respect your wishes and cancel"

Obviously, she did not want me to cancel.

I think partly she was dreading it because it was a "big birthday" and reminded her that she is getting older. Nothing we could have done about that, but perhaps these feelings are also feeding into your mum's reaction, too?

Billingshurst · 20/02/2023 08:21

You've been very generous OP and I've seen people like this so sympathise but I'd drop the rope

AuntieMarys · 20/02/2023 08:21

Scribbydigs · 20/02/2023 08:11

@piedbeauty Because she would sink into a big depression and possibly harm herself if I told her how she makes me feel.

Put your own feelings first, not your mother's. You're not responsible for her.

ferneytorro · 20/02/2023 08:21

Scribbydigs · 19/02/2023 23:27

Thank you @KettrickenSmiled I have had therapy and found it helpful. I was raised to feel responsible and guilty for her feelings and I know that's not right. It's still hard though!

And yes you're right @Transcriber she always just says not to worry about getting her anything if asked what she wants. But would be deeply, deeply upset if we actually didn't get her anything!

I think you need to let that happen and sit with your feelings when it does, I know it’s hard when you’ve been conditioned to think you can affect their mood and emotions but the first step is to try it, it will get easier I promise. She can’t actually do anything, it’s the feelings you are trying to prevent I mean your feelings and that’s what you need to work on.

PrinceHaz · 20/02/2023 08:28

I think you need to feel a bit more in the driver’s seat because she is controlling you.

In your shoes, I would make some changes in such a way as to hopefully prevent her going into a depression. I would lie and tell her the hotel is sadly no longer able to offer the spa day and then cancel it. I would ask her if there is something she’d like to do instead, knowing all the while that she won’t want to be very helpful in her reply. Then I would set myself a cost and time limit and stick to it - a lovely meal and some really nice flowers, plaster a smile on my face, spend my time asking her about all her woes, then you’re done.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 20/02/2023 08:29

Yes, practice the detachment of 'well it's interesting you choose that point of view, but to be this is lovely so I'll stay with that thought' type perspective. Probably the best approach given this day is going to happen and you can't change her.
Her feelings aren't yours, try to keep it at arms length and observe it with detached curiosity.
She is appreciating it on some level, it is very sad for her that her joy is stifled at the root so she can't express or feel it in an clear way, it's all filtered through her negative outlook.
It is jolly hard work for you to withstand the flow though. Good luck.

Eyesopenwideawake · 20/02/2023 08:33

Spend the £600 on therapy for her so she can be happy for the last third of her life...

Pinkdelight3 · 20/02/2023 08:35

My mil is like this. Wants to be treated to things and then moans in the run up, complains during, and tells sniffy anecdotes about its shortcomings afterwards. I've realised that this is her version of enjoying it. She prefers to moan than to find genuine pleasure in things and must feel it makes her more interesting. It doesn't, it's bloody irritating, but it's how she is so we endure it.

However your comment about your DM potentially harming herself is a whole other level. She sounds unwell and in that situation there's nothing you could do right really, which is heartbreaking as you're trying so hard. Just try to enjoy the day for yourself and expect her to get through it at best. Look after yourself.

MadeofElephantStone · 20/02/2023 08:37

Weaponising mental illness to make others feel bad is really manipulative and emotionally abusive. My mother was similar and it has taken almost 30 years to detangle myself from the impact this has had on my own wellbeing. You sound like a really thoughtful person who is possibly trying to manufacture the happy response that most normal parents would display to the kindness offered by their children, and it seems the gestures, big or small, are still not enough. I'd be less inclined to be so generous in future. It may be worth reconnecting with therapy to explore why you feel you have to appease your mother's material expectations to mitigate any negative psychological response it would cause for her if you didn't and how to overcome any feelings of responsibility for other people's feelings and actions.

piedbeauty · 20/02/2023 08:41

Scribbydigs · 20/02/2023 08:11

@piedbeauty Because she would sink into a big depression and possibly harm herself if I told her how she makes me feel.

Her feelings and how she handles them are not your responsibility, harsh as that may sound.

I'd access some more therapy to help you handle your reactions and responses to your mother's behaviour.

And in the meantime, ask if she wants to go on the spa day. In a calm, neutral way. Then take it from there.

Smoothlines · 20/02/2023 08:47

Gosh, that is an incredibly generous present -far too much, I’d say. However, you are where you are. Can you cancel some of the things on the day -keep the spa and massage but cancel the manicure and pedicure etc? But best would be to ask your mum calmly if she actually wants to go or would she rather you cancel? If it’s meant to be a surprise, I’d forewarn her that this is the present you are thinking of.