To ask what rules you have for your 14 year old

[VictimYuY]

im struggling with DD to know if I’m being too strict or not strict enough. What are your rules regarding phone use, monitoring social media, going out, what they’re allowed to do ect.

DD is only allowed WhatsApp, no other messaging apps. She's not on Facebook/Tiktok and I can't imagine me letting her have either anytime soon. I have Google Family installed on her phone so she needs to ask permission before installing apps and going to unfamiliar websites. This is to protect her phone in case she gets sent a link to a dodgy site etc.

Phone stays downstairs over night and I can and will check it periodically. No social media other than WhatsApp.

Other rules are she needs to help with housework when I ask and her responsibility is to put the dishes away every day.

I'm probably on the stricter side but 🤷‍♀️

Allowed tik tok and what’s app and snap chat. All friends have Instagram so will probably say yes to that soon.
But on the condition that phone gets shut off (full restrictions turn on at bed times) phone isn’t in room at night, phone doesn’t get taken on family days out normally.
Allowed out for a couple of hours to hang out with friends. Allowed into town with a friend for a couple of hours to shop or go to McDonald’s.
sleepovers are fine if I have met and spoken the child and parents first although there have only been 1 or 2 new friends to sleepover with.
All homework has to be completed. She does many after school activities / clubs and weekend activities so is off her phone then anyway.

My 14yo DD is pretty sensible tbh and isn't one for going out late/makeup/boys (yet). Pretty much the only rules we have are tech-related (no tech upstairs ever, and no going on phones between 10am and 5pm on weekends) and she happily complies with them.

My 11yo DD on the other hand....😱

Oh and neither girl is allowed any messaging apps other than WhatsApp, and younger DD isn't allowed to join any WhatsApp groups until she's 13.

Ds: phone stays downstairs overnight and he knows I have passcode and can check it (though in reality I haven’t checked it in months). He has snapchat.tiktok, whatsapp and insta. Doesn’t post, only scrolls and comments on others sometimes. Not allowed to contact strangers or people not met irl, also not allowed to insult people on his phone, even if “banter”.

Going out - anywhere as long as we know where and when to pick up. He always goes out with the same 3 boys (and sometimes others join them) so we know who he’s with. Has to be home before dark.

Only WhatsApp allowed, she does have discord too on a few private servers, however her account is also on my phone and I monitor it frequently.

Tiktok and others are not allowed. Although they can see those in YouTube.. which she will occassionally on her laptop.

I'm backing off regarding homework for the next few weeks to see if she manages it properly, her main hobby is gaming, not interested in after school clubs despite me encouraging them, is a loner as well so that doesn't help. She's past the age for me to force her into things she doesn't like, but will actively take herself away from screens to play outside/listen to music on whilst she uses some gym equipment we have at home.

Room must be kept tidy, I'm not ever prepared for her to be living in a pit, and consequences are there if she doesn't tidy it.

She also does the dishes several times a week and will vacuum too. She's mostly repsonsible for her own washing as well.

Forgot to add, laptop turns off at 8 and phone off at 9. These still have family settings (Family Safety and Family Link) as she does not have the self discipline to stay off them.

Phone is disabled at 10pm until 6:30am. He regulates very well with regards to Xbox. Social media is checked every now and then, and messages. He can go out with friends to play football or take the bus into town. He rarely chooses to do the latter.

My DD is 14 - she’s my youngest, DS’s are 28 and 18. I’ve always had few actual rules. No phone limits re time allowed on phone, no enforcing of homework before leisure etc, no banning on social media. DD has only chosen to have Instagram in the last 6 months, she doesn’t like any other social media and doesn’t really engage with Instagram much either. She does like gaming, but again I don’t enforce any rules around times allowed on them, or track any devices. My mum used to invade my privacy so much and I know checking phones does protecting children (and perhaps I would if I was worried or suspicious) but I’ve always wanted to allow my children that privacy around their private life / growing up.

DD doesn’t go out to hang around like I did as a child, none of her friends do, maybe different where I grew up in North Wales to South London. If she does go out I don’t track her, I would impose a time to be home.

I’ve never had to have any rules with any of my kids, I do think that my being laid back they’ve never felt any need to rebel or push boundaries. But if things changed (and they could) I would review but I’d never be a strict parent as I genuinely believe it backfires and leads to poor relationships long term. One day those kids become adults and they can choose whether or not to have good adult relationships or not.

Should have added DD doing well in school, no complaints at all about her education

She has WhatsApp, Facebook and Snapchat.
Phone stays downstairs overnight, I have passwords and can check it if I want to. I also have a tracker app on her phone, I use it occasionally to check she managed to get the bus.

Socially I'm pretty relaxed, she can meet friends at weekends or after school as long as she lets me know what time she'll be home.
In the house she is responsible for keeping her room relatively tidy and helping out generally when asked.

Same as @Darbs76 .
She's 17 now and in the RAF.
Never had any rules at home other than don't be a dick!
She self regulated with her phone. I expected and showed respect and it worked.
If she went out she would run it by me, she told me where and who with and was contactable. We were open about internet safety.
She was allowed to do whatever she liked. She never smoked or took drugs. She got all 9s in her GCSES. Boyfriend stayed over here and they were in a sexual relationship from 15, but I was ok with it, it's what teens do and they were safe and respectful of each other.

We're good friends now

Pretty much the same as @Darbs76 except I have a 14 year old boy. He's a good kid and I've never felt the need for strict rules. He has his Xbox in his bedroom which he can use whenever he wants, I don't ask if he has done homework because I know he's going to do it and he knows I'll find out if he doesn't and then he'll lose the Xbox or his phone. No restrictions on his phone and I don't check it because he's entirely to privacy, we are pretty open and close and he has always come to me with any problems. What he does know is that if I ask him to hand over his phone then I'll except it to be given without any arguments. He uses WhatsApp, Snapchat and instagram but I'm friends with him on all of them and I don't expect homework to be done before he plays football or uses the Xbox I just expect it to be done when it needs to.

I have an 8 year old dd and I think things might not be so easy with her!!

Literally none.
Not allowed to quit a hobby on a bad day
Praise effort not attainment.
Erm thats it.

DS is 14:
No Snapchat.
No WhatsApp for the year group (it's a bloody pit of bullying and being abusive about the staff, he's quite happy to have no part in it)
No net after 9pm
No gaming until homework done (I have access to Google classes so can check).
Passwords for gaming must be kept remembered on the computer and lost password email must be mine (tbf, this is down to him having Asperger's and he forgets/gets locked out all the time)
I check his phone once a fortnight. I don't mind swearing on WhatsApp (they all do it) but none is to be spoken around adults.

This has been the status quo since he got his first mobile at 11 for secondary and was the same for DD. Neither have ever argued or questioned it.

I’m fairly relaxed as long as she gives me no reason to go hardcore.

Shes allowed social media and WhatsApp. I don’t look at her phone often, but do have the password if I want to. She hands her phone in at 9.30pm on school days, 10.30pm on weekends, and I charge it in my bedroom overnight and hand it back to her before school. If I feel like she’s on her screen too much, I take her phone away for a few hours. She knows the score there.

During the week she has to come straight home from school. She has activities 3 evenings a week which I or her Dad take her to. Not allowed to hang about with friends after school in the park etc.

Weekends I’m relaxed about daytime outings with friends as long as I have an idea of where she is, she keeps in touch etc. Only allowed sleepovers now and then, and only when I know the parents. Not allowed out after dark currently.

It’s all negotiable and changeable as she gets older and shows she can be responsible. She’s a good kid so far, achieving academically and involved in sports, so I try to reward her for that. But teens can be dick heads, so I’m always cautious.

I don’t really have any. Nights out are pretty self regulated (no one wants them too late), I normally pick her up or sort a taxi. Her best mates live very close. She never really puts a foot wrong!

I’m similar to Star Witness, more or less same rules, phone disabled 9 pm - 8 am. DD is expected to help out in the house when asked - which she does - and tidy her room when asked. I guess the main thing we might have words about is to make sure she’s being inclusive in school and that she texts her grandparents fairly frequently. That’s about it, all great so far but presume it might get trickier in time.

Dont be a dick sums it up nicely.

Ds15 not dd. Obviously no swearing or aggression and try and help out and tidy up after yourself. Not really a "rule" per se more just expectations for the whole household.
Plays online but mainly in a public part of the house so know what he gets up to. If he doesnt do his homework or stays up all night he deals with the consequences. ( and it's happened and hes learnt from it) . He knows we could check his phone but havent for a while. And when we have in the past it's been very boring! With regards to "going out" we live rurally so provide all lifts and it's done on a case by case basis... although so far never had to say no as mostly hanging out with a small group of friends during weekend or going to afternoon football matches

Ds13 is the same but without the phone issues as he doesnt have a mobile . Had a cheap one but lost it. Hes not allowed one at school anyway and plays sport outside of school and doesnt feel the need for one.

Have a ds 19 who's turned out to be a lovely young man and were still all close.

Ds. No Snapchat/ Instagram/ TikTok, only WhatsApp. No phone upstairs overnight. I have access to his phone to check it when I want - and I do.

Socialising tends to be weekends afternoons/ early evening. I can track him on his phone. He’s not allowed to hang around in town.

DS got all 9’s in his GCSE’s too. He chose himself to not play PS4 during GCSE and A levels, holidays only. Now he’s just started at Uni he’s in much better stead than those who are used to mum dictating when they need to study / when can have down time. He’s always been self disciplined and my DD is just starting GCSE’s and buying lots of materials to start already with making revision cards etc.

WhatsApp, Tik Tok and Insta but I follow him on both and can see what he posts.

Phone account linked to mine, he can't download any apps without my authorisation.

Phone goes into night mode at 9pm until 7am, nothing other than phone calls and WhatsApp works.

Left outside bedroom overnight.

Can go out with his mates "until the street lights come on" as long as I know where he is and who with.

No Xbox on a school night.

I do find it odd how some parents are so intrusive into their teens worlds. I can't imagine making them hand over phones and not see friends after school, unless there are some serious issues?

No wonder a lot go crazy with their first tastes of freedom.

You need to be able to trust them, and surely they deserve that? Why would they seek to harm themselves or you?

Mistakes will be made surely! But my job is to be there in the wings to support and guide as required, not dictate and control.