Page 5 | To ask what rules you have for your 14 year old

VictimYuY · 2022-09-28T18:08:11+00:00

im struggling with DD to know if I’m being too strict or not strict enough. What are your rules regarding phone use, monitoring social media, going out, what they’re allowed to do ect.

Mojoj · 03/10/2022 20:01

Ha ha me too. And we lived to tell the tale!🤣🤣🤣🤣

Goawayangryman · 03/10/2022 21:24

Also what @ChangePlease said, although I would not want same for my kids. We were definitely in risky situations. But there is a gulf between MC parenting now and parenting back in the 1980s.

TreeLine6 · 03/10/2022 22:04

@Goawayangryman

Personally I’m shocked at how little work many year 9s appear to be doing judging by this thread!

In my house, DC are expected to work hard and try their best. They are expected to get the best grades they are capable of, and that takes time and effort. Imo most DC in the U.K. could and should be doing more homework/revision.

I’m sure many on this thread will be appalled by the fact that DS2 actually did 3 hours of revision this evening- as he has a physics test this week and wants to do well (both from a personal perspective and because he knows he’s expected to try his absolute best). Sometimes DC need to suck it up and put in the work.

Personally I’m far more concerned about the controlling and mollycoddling on this thread with monitoring private messages and not giving DC an ounce of freedom or privacy. DS has far more freedom than most on this thread as long as he keeps up his end of the bargain- ie studying hard and excellent grades.

Goawayangryman · 04/10/2022 07:10

Not appalled, DD has been known to do similar when she really needs to re revision. She is driven and wants to do well, and has some SEND which make things more difficult for her.

If she did 13 hours of homework per week she wouldn't have enough time to do other stuff we both think is important. Different strokes innit?!

PugInTheHouse · 04/10/2022 11:48

Treeline - perhaps some peoples kids are naturally capable of getting good grades without 2 hrs of work a night, or perhaps their schools are better and teach more effectively during the school day. You know not all kids are the same right? Just because they don't do 2 hrs a night doesn't mean they are not expected to work hard and do well. You are very limited in your thinking about this. We have high expectations of our DCs in our house, this is for both behaviour and work ethic but this doesn't always equate to 8s and 9s, life is much more full than that.

PugInTheHouse · 04/10/2022 11:50

Just to add, why would anyone be appalled if a DC did 3 hrs of studying, if that's what they wanted to do then all good, it's being forced to that is the issue I have with that. You say they are not forced to however they are as they aren't allowed to watch TV etc if they don't so it's not actually a choice.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 04/10/2022 11:55

There was a thread on here last year about an 18 year old who had a set bedtime 😳

PugInTheHouse · 04/10/2022 12:19

Bigsandyballs - this does not seem to be uncommon on MN bizarrely, set bedtimes for 18 yos, 10pm curfews and phone removal etc. Just another world to the real one most of us live in.

MissyB1 · 04/10/2022 12:49

Do some of you not get it that we parent the individual child according to their personality / needs. My 13 year old is not great at self regulation, he doesn’t possess much self discipline, he doesn’t always recognise when he’s getting tired. And he has a tendency to suffer from FOMO.

So he needs a bit more guidance and more boundaries than perhaps some teens. That’s ok, he is who he is, he will mature over the next few years.

We don’t all have to raise our kids the exact same way!

PugInTheHouse · 04/10/2022 17:08

Surely that's the point though, you try to teach self regulation etc and at only 13 you step in until they are ready, however by 18 then it's really not your business and they need to learn at some point. If you have given them the opportunity to self regulate and its not working then surely that's not an issue.

Kissingfrogs25 · 04/10/2022 18:32

PugInTheHouse · 04/10/2022 12:19

Bigsandyballs - this does not seem to be uncommon on MN bizarrely, set bedtimes for 18 yos, 10pm curfews and phone removal etc. Just another world to the real one most of us live in.

I have a 17yr old and she is most definitely expected be quiet and respectful as we go to sleep early. She doesn't have a curfew but I can't collect her at a late time from anywhere and it is hard to get home any other way. I would think nothing of turning off the wifi if she is rude! We run a tight ship because we have to - she is expected to respect our need to sleep given the ungodly hour I wake up and be considerate. It is otherwise known as working together as a family.

Goawayangryman · 04/10/2022 20:12

Quiet time is totally fine. I would be (and am) well pissed off if either of mine keep me up past my bedtime unless pre agreed.

That's the thing though, you can operate really well on mutual respect and understanding without those "do as I say" type rules.

PugInTheHouse · 04/10/2022 22:49

Kissingfrogs25 · 04/10/2022 18:32

I have a 17yr old and she is most definitely expected be quiet and respectful as we go to sleep early. She doesn't have a curfew but I can't collect her at a late time from anywhere and it is hard to get home any other way. I would think nothing of turning off the wifi if she is rude! We run a tight ship because we have to - she is expected to respect our need to sleep given the ungodly hour I wake up and be considerate. It is otherwise known as working together as a family.

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Surely that's a given though, I would expect DH to be quiet even if coming home late or staying up later than me, its all about respect, which works both ways of course