To ask what rules you have for your 14 year old

[VictimYuY]

im struggling with DD to know if I’m being too strict or not strict enough. What are your rules regarding phone use, monitoring social media, going out, what they’re allowed to do ect.

You can’t imagine why a teen wouldn’t be allowed to be on their phone all night? Really? Maybe it’s because they actually need some sleep before a day at school? That’s why my ds has to hand his phone over at 9:30pm. Because I would quite like him to be able to focus at school.

I can trust him with certain thugs, but it’s worth remembering they aren’t adults and don’t necessarily make decisions that are in their own best interests. That’s why we need to still parent them!

Surely often staying up all night a couple of times he would see that it's not a great idea?

You do still need to parent teens, a think a lot of people forget that. I think most children do better within set boundaries. But, if does depend on the child. Phones in bedrooms are never a good idea.

We have no electronics up stairs rule (for adults too), mine prefer gaming and chatting to friends rather than going out, but it needs to be off by 11pm at the latest. Sitting in front of a screen for hours isn't good for anyone ( their mental health, eyes) and DS1 especially is significantly happier if he doesn't.

Has snapchat no tiktok.

Devices downstairs only. Shuts off at 930pm weeknights.

Have family link installed.

Ds14 knows the rules and will negotiate sometimes. We always listen and discuss and sometimes we go with his request.

They're still children, just older children, but still children.

I find it hard to regulate my phone usage at times so it would be unfair to expect a younger teen to be able to manage it.

Plus I learnt the hard way that I needed to monitor my dds phone, she downloaded the app YUBO when she was 13yo and it led to her receiving a lot of very inappropriate messages.

I became a lot stricter after that and I think my dd was relieved tbh, they want to know you're looking after them and keeping them safe.

Same.

I focused on building an open, trusting and supportive relationship. I used to cringe inside listening to other parents talking about their multiple rules and hated hearing about phones being checked - just so awful.

Dd is now an adult, she is a well rounded, successful and happy young women and we have a wonderful relationship.
As a young teen she talked openly to me about drugs, sex etc
She has many examples of friends who couldn't talk to (or trust) their parents who went completely off the rails.

You do realise that most teens have 2 insta accounts?
Their real one and the one to keep their parents happy!

9pm curfew on school nights, so home by then. DC has all social media accounts but I do have the passwords, I don't tend to check them though. I don't ban phones after a certain time at night but DC likes their sleep and is usually asleep before 11 anyway.

I think too many "rules" isn't always a good thing, I prefer to give mine freedom and trust, if they ever break my trust then I'd set some rules in but so far they haven't. It's about mutual respect.

I don't monitor what's on their phone or their messages.
... As long as they get up in morning for work/school: which they do.

Going out: none of mine have ever been terrible for mystery outings or staying out late. They volunteer where they are going and who they are seeing, which can be after dark. We moan if they might be late for a meal.

I don't really interact with cleanliness of their rooms. They tend to moan about how slovenly I am: they are tidier, cleaner than me.

Just that there is a case at the moment in the current coroner’s court of a kid of 14 who committed suicide after being on Instagram and viewing a lot of harmful material. I was also listening to the case of a young girl (middle class home) who fell in with a load of sex traffickers because the parents were always out at work and she was a latchkey kid . Frankly every parent should know exactly what their child is up to even as a teen. This opting out and ‘trusting them’ process is just a copout. We should know where our kids are and what they are doing. There are too many harmful things around. I don’t mean smothering them but for goodness sake we should know where they are and what they are doing and what they are watching. We used to have their friends round a lot to our house because at least we knew what they were doing then!

All phones downstairs overnight. She's pretty sensible though and has nice friends. She had a tricky time with a different group of friends back in Y8 and all the bullying happened over Whatsapp, I don't think banning specific apps stop any problems, it's about making sure they know you have their back and will support them when they need it. As long as you maintain a conversation that's the most important thing.

Same as this , and for my 12 year old. Prepared to be shot down in flames 🤦‍♀️

No phone restrictions but I can access his phone. Ditto laptop.

We have Life360 on his phone so we k do where he is.

He can go into town with friends for lunch / cinema.

I dont have a 14 year old atm but when I did it was exactly the same. I don't agree with the concept of rules in families, I'm not running an army camp

Why does it have to be so regimented? It appears I'mn a minority but nothing bad has happened.

No rules at all? Hmmmm really…

So it’s treat others however you want? Go where you like anytime? Don’t bother telling anyone where you are? stay out all night if you like? Whack your sibling if you feel like it? Don’t bother with homework, get in as much trouble at school as you like?

I strongly suspect you would have rules around those things. Parents who say they have “no rules” usually do, they just call them something else.

I removed tiktok and Snapchat from my daughters phone at 14. Said if i find them on there again i will cancel phone contract. She is nearly 16 now and i check her phone periodically.

She goes on phone or watches telly for about 2 hours a day.

No screens in bedroom, 9pm bedtime and phone on charge downstairs. She has lots of hobbies.

We get on really well, no MH issues or self esteem problems, top grades etc.

I am happy with this approach and She responds well to strict parenting

I think my son will be a different kettle of fish but he is only 10 and has no phone ATM.

I think some of it does depend on the child, I grew up in a very liberal family environment, my parents didn't have many rules. I was always well behaved as I'm a people pleaser. However I know I ended up in some situations where I'd have much rather my parents had told me I couldn't go (parties with lots of underage drinking for example.)

With my own dd I tried to get the balance between keeping her safe but allowing her some freedom. The phone issue to me is basic safeguarding and however much I trust my dd I do not trust the internet at all!

I have a good relationship with my dd, she is now 16yo and doing everything a 16 year old should be doing (college, pt job, seeing friends, going out etc.) She knows she can trust me and that I will always be there for her. She tells me now she's glad I had rules around the phone when she was younger as some of the stuff her friends were doing was very scary.

A few basic rules around phone safety do not automatically result in a shit mum - child relationship 🤷‍♀️

Rules arent for things where's there's no option but to do the right thing or there's no choice like homework or hittinglpeople

If you need to actually spell those out as being options you've faled at an earlier stage. Deciding that phones need to be switched off at 9pm is a different kind of issue as there's no universally accepted right answer. Those are rules in my book and no, I don't have any like that.

Some parents need to realise they are parents are not friends of their children. Sometimes their kids need to be told, ‘No you can’t,’ for their own good. My kids appreciate it now years later even though they didn’t always at the time

I don't think there are many rules in our house in the sense of rules that apply only to the teens/ tweens. One set works pretty ok for all of us.

Don't be a dick is a good one.
Apologise if you've upset someone and mean it.
Be responsible for your own work, leisure, chores, personal hygiene etc.
Don't leave half the household crockery in your room growing mould.
And keep in touch if you're out so we all have an idea where we all are.

Don't have phone rules and scrutiny as such but they do have to go off at 11.

It's tempting to conclude that parents who take a different (seemingly more lenient) approach to you are opting out of parenting or trying to be their children's best friend. But it could just be they do things differently from you, after making a careful assessment of risks and benefits and coming to a different conclusion, and that's alright.

Same here. Main rule-don't be a dick. Everything flows from that.

Not too many rules tbh. Has some chores - setting table, loading dishwasher, changes own sheets etc.

In terms of tech - has WhatsApp, discord, Instagram. I have the password for the phone, but can't remember the last time I checked it, I only would if I was really worried about something. Isn't prone to staying up late and pretty good at self-regulating tech use so don't feel the need to remove phone at a specific time etc. Has iPad and gaming PC in bedroom.

We've had lots of conversations about appropriate use, tech being a privilege and knows that it would be removed immediately if any issues.

How come everyone says no social media except WhatsApp? You do realise random people can message you on WhatsApp? Not sure how or where they get number from, but I am an adult and occasionally get random messages, some explicit, from unknown people. I just block and report spam but some kids might not.

Reading these has me amazed looking back at myself at 14.