To ask what rules you have for your 14 year old

[VictimYuY]

im struggling with DD to know if I’m being too strict or not strict enough. What are your rules regarding phone use, monitoring social media, going out, what they’re allowed to do ect.

Laptop and phone are on timers so go off at a certain hour. I follow them and who they follow on social media but I don't look at their phone. I approve what apps they put on but probably don't need to do that anymore - I have only once refused an app when it was one of those 'anonymous question' ones; they wanted to use it for something specific, but when I explained how toxic those apps could be they totally understood why not.

They can go to late events with friends (c9-10ish) as long as we know where they're going, and can go into central London on their own or with friends during the day (we live in suburbs); we are willing to let them travel intercity to places they are familiar with with a friend. The walk from the tube to our house is short and always quite busy at any of the times they'd be coming home.

Ds14 has adhd so we have to be a bit more careful as not great with self regulation. We have time limits on his phone and xbox just so he doesnt play into the night on weekdays.

He only had what's app but he hasnt asked for any other social media. He doesnt really go out with friends except to play football so we havnt had to discuss weekend curfew

DS is up at 5:45am, paper round, cycles to work 8-830. Cycles home 3:30-4pm. In bed by 9-930. Has cadets 2 nights/week & some school events he attends... plus competes in some sports. DoE silver activity starts soon. Fair enough that PP's offspring would find it easy to fit in 2 hours of study time in their day (and evidently needs 2 hrs study/day to achieve their potential), but I find DS's day is already pretty full.... and he is achieving his potential.

She only has WhatsApp on her phone in terms of social media.

She’s allowed to go most places that you’d imagine a 14 yo would go (location wise - shops or whatever) if I know where she’s going, and we’ve agree a time to be back, but she’s not the type to just bugger off really far afield.

Normal rules about behaving kindly / politely with others, family members of course.

She naturally goes to bed reasonably early so I don’t have a fixed rule for that.

Our slight rubbing point is she thinks I make too many plans for the family to do things together etc, wants more time when it’s just free/ flexible, but she equally would like it if I sprung things on her (last minute plans etc) so there’s a bit of give and take to he had here!

Has a phone. What's app and Instagram on there, but phone is checked frequently and randomly. Phone on a timer so they can't go on it between 9pm and 7am. Charge it on their room. Laptop checked randomly and frequently too. Kept on room. PS5 on room but only goes on it Saturday and Sunday days.

Goes out with friends to play sport and can go with them whenever they want and come back before dark. They sometimes stay out after school to play sport on the way home but has to text to let us know.

They make their beds, put the first washing load on after school on a Friday and will empty the dishwasher daily. Will make their own breakfast in the week and will hover upstairs on a Sunday.

They are also very busy with sports clubs, volunteering and Explorers

Why so much study? Is it a private or grammar school? And 13 hours of study a week?! (Assuming you mean 2 hours a night on the week and 3 hours at the weekend)

My child does their homework, which is 2 hours per Sunday each week and is in year 10. Predicted grades between 8 and 9. Throughout the entire school time, theyve never expected hours of study each week.

They have a 2 week rolling time table so week 1 is lessons all week, homework set is due in a week later, but the school rarely set homework. They have high grade results for exams too and it's a bog standard secondary.

I wouldn't even know what to tell him to do to gain an extra 11 hours of study each week! All school work is completed and homework tasks completed and he isnt exceptionally clever either

I wouldn't even know what to tell him to do to gain an extra 11 hours of study each week! All school work is completed and homework tasks completed and he isnt exceptionally clever either

Agree! GCSE isn't even that difficult let alone year 9. A level then more understandable.

ABreathofFrenchAir - I think that sounds much more normal for most schools, my DCs are at a private school which has good results but they aren't super selective or pushy, they cover most of the learning in lessons and then a small amount of homework. Even in Y11 they covered majority of revision during lessons once the syllabus had finished then obv studied outside as and when required for exams. The only low mark DS got was the school messing up a practical submission. He could have maybe got the odd few marks with more studying as he was 1-3 marks off grade boundaries in most papers but to be honest to get on in life you need more than 9s across the board.

I don't even know what could be studied for 2 hrs a night in Y9, I'd be disappointed that the school were missing the mark so much that it was required TBH.

@AbreathofFrenchair

DS is at a stage grammar. The impression from his school and also local friends (including those with DC at non-grammars) is that 2 hours a night is normal and reasonable for year 9.

Tbh I’m not surprised that so many schools have such poor outcomes with lots of DC not meeting their potential if 2 hours of work a night is seen as so unreasonable!

DH is from overseas and in his home country, 2 hours of work a night for a 14 year old would be seen as nowhere near enough. Clearly we don’t want to emulate that culture fully here, but hard work should be encouraged and expected.

Our school doesn't have poor outcomes though, it's outstanding and has achieved the highest grades for GCSE and Alevels for many years now. The last 4 years including adjusted covid grades, they have achieved higher grades than the grammar school.

Ds is in a small successful private school. Their results are excellent. He is year 9 and has one hour homework each night, same for the weekend.

I'd heard things like homework is to either finish off what hasnt been completed in class or used as a way of checking children are understanding what has been taught.

Certainly the emphasis has shifted off homework. In secondary, it's submitted on line if its something the Teacher needs to grade, however more often than not, they mark each others work in the class.

I'm still shocked by 2 hours studying a night. I obviously need to get out more 🤣

DSes are 13 and 15. Our rules are:

Screens off at 9.30 on a school night
Phones downstairs overnight
No screens at the dinner table
Homework before screens on a school night

That's about it I think! Neither are interested in going out yet, all their socialising is online.

15yo has whatsapp and snapchat
tech out of the bedroom at bedtime
goes out for the day to the city on the tram with mates, home for tea
she very occasionally goes out in the evening but this needs to be something structured like the cinema or a gig, or at a friend's home, rather than just hanging about
she sorts out her own homework - I don't know what she has when
no rules about room tidiness
i try to rope her to chores but she wheedles out of them 90% of the time and she is otherwise a good kid so I sometimes pretend not to notice.
I do nag slightly if she's not done her music practise. I reserve the right to do so as she requested to attend a £££ conservatoire junior department, and if I'm shelling out then she can keep up her end of the bargain.

The intrusiveness in these posts is a bit nauseating tbh 😧

What do you mean?

I always remember a wise person saying to us when bringing up teenagers have a few rules - not many - but make sure they’re obeyed. With teenagers we won’t win every battle but we must win the major battles of things which have priority. So make those rules the priority

DD1- I could access her phone if I wanted to, but she was generally sensible. There was a lot less on social media then so I didn’t need to monitor so much. Had a youtube watching limit of 10pm and no Facebook until 13

DS1- handed in phone to front room, wi-fi limited after 10. Rules about homework first. Generally phones and school work were a battle ground. He’d always try to get round restrictions, spend too long, do want he shouldn’t. Ran up bills initially and generally it was a hard slog, new rules and restrictions were often needed.

DS2- haven’t really had to lay down rules, he’s not interested. Have to force him to take the phone out. has to ask permission for apps on Apple, no other rules as no issues. I could access the phone if I wanted to

basically- respond to the child I guess

For those of you with the rule of 'don't be a dick' or similar what do you do if you're child is being a dick? Most teenagers are dicks at some point or another!

Her rules: Let me know where you are. Ask before doing something new/with new people. If she ever feels in danger or uncomfortable in a situation to contact me.
My rules: I will always try to say yes. I won't ever tell her off or embarrass her in front of other people. If she ever feels in danger I will come and get her, no questions asked.

Also I follow the advice given to me by friends with older girls - keep them off social media as long as possible, it can be really detrimental to their mental health.

You can guarantee that they will become socially isolated if you do that. If that is what you want for your dc, go ahead, but when their friends are meeting up and doing stuff together and your child is left out and confused and wondering why they were not included/invited or part of school life social scene you will at least know why! 🙄At least you can explain it is not them/their looks/lack of fashion/body shape or personality that is putting people off as teens will automatically assume it is their fault. I am sure they will be very grateful to you

I can't imagine my ex y9 doing 13 hours of homework each week. If they were in state I would think the school was failing. If they were in private I would want my money back.

Ok at A level, which is the gateway to professional opportunities and HE such as medicine and law. But... Why, at GCSE?

Also, as an ultra high achiever, the things that have held me back in life have been soft skills. I've been totally eclipsed by less academic peers who had more agency, confidence, connections, metacognition skills....

Wow! So many rules on here! I am still amazed at the amount of parents who "track" their kids via their phones. What happened to respecting privacy? I brought my boys up the way I was raised - be honest about where you're going and who you're with, never be afraid to ask for help if you're out your depth and no questions will be asked, treat people how you would like to be treated. And try not to be a dick. It seems to have worked. We're good pals now, have some great chats and genuinely like each other's company.

Reading these I cannot believe what I got up to at 14, I was going clubbing! 🙈