To ask what rules you have for your 14 year old

[VictimYuY]

im struggling with DD to know if I’m being too strict or not strict enough. What are your rules regarding phone use, monitoring social media, going out, what they’re allowed to do ect.

As you see from responses. Very mixed bag. It will TOTALLY depend on your child and family dynamics so you have to decide for yourself. There is a balance between restrictions, trust and respect.

The only restrictions we really did at that age was limiting internet time rather than restrictions on any particular app. Home before dark etc. I've always wanted my children to feel they can come to me and that they didn't need to hide anything. They have freedoms and are relatively sensible. And if their are issues we come to a compromise on what we think is fair/sensible or we trial something and reassess few days later.

DD15 has own phone and laptop. I have the passwords/codes for both but don't check them. I trust her and know she's not stupid. We talk openly about even the uncomfortable topics and I know she would talk to an adult if she was in a vulnerable position. She goes out with her friends in to town or on the train for a day out. She goes to her boyfriends house and although I know they haven't had sex yet, it is going to happen and we've already discussed this. I often check her location on Snapchat but for my own peace of mind. She's doing well at school, has a little job, babysits for others. Helps with younger sister. Helps round the house. And is respectful of others

Our number one rule in the house is Don’t Be A Knob - love that others have similar.
I don’t have hard and fast rules - my 4 children (23yrs down to 8yrs) are all very different and need different guidance.
I encourage self regulation, independence and an understanding that our family is a team and we all have to get stuck in. Natural consequences all the way here. Seems to be working so far. If it stopped working on any of my children then I would reevaluate my approach.

Tbh a lot of nice kids get sucked into inappropriate and damaging things on the internet and parents are totally unaware. Just look at the numbers of kids who have watched porn or been involved with cyber bullying. Many of them are generally good kids with involved parents who have been a bit naive. They’re not adults and don’t have the brain function of an adult. I’d personally rather restrict sites accessed and time on the net than look through their phone as they do need some privacy to message friends

I guess i am strict in some ways but relaxed in others. Education comes first in my house- so DC have to earn all their screen time by completing an age appropriate amount of study.

So for example, DS2 in year 9 has to do 2 hours of homework and revision on school nights and 3 hours each weekend. This allows him to earn a certain amount of screen time to cover all of his phone, gaming and TV time.

Anything above this has to be earned through extra study- so for example, DS knew he wanted to watch a film on Friday so did an extra hour of French revision on Thursday.

However, when it comes to using their screen time, I am very hands off. DC are free to do whatever they want within reason. I find it astonishing actually the degree of surveillance that some parents seem to undertake. It would be grossly inappropriate to start monitoring a private diary, so parents shouldn’t be looking at private WhatsApp messages etc imo unless there are serious causes for concern.

Snap

I don’t have any rules but we chat about the issues. I say I will monitor if I feel it’s needed and know his passcode. I don’t- I have forgotten it actually. He is a sensible sort and not phone obsessed. His brother was a conniving little risk taker - rules were still used less than talk as can always be got round in an environment where there are so many phones available. He sorted out himself fairly quickly. Mine didn’t get phones though until about year 8. That makes them pretty late to the party round here.

Only rules I have for my 14 year old dd is be in for 8.30/9pm and show respect. She has to learn how to self regulate her life as in a few years time she is a adult

I never put any rules in place with regards to their phones. Never encountered any problems at all.

when they went out I did like to know where they were going and who with and what time expected back etc. again, never encountered any problems.

I showed trust in them and that is what I got back.

But random people can send you texts or call you too.

WhatsApp is just texting/calling over WiFi instead of the normal phone network. It's not like other forms of social media in that respect.

So for example, DS2 in year 9 has to do 2 hours of homework and revision on school nights and 3 hours each weekend. This allows him to earn a certain amount of screen time to cover all of his phone, gaming and TV time

As a teacher just wow. Year 9😳😳😳🙄

No rules for 14 yo DS, he is good at self regulating tech and bed time. Always does home work, gets himself up for school. Also does various clubs outside of school also. If he didn't do those things then we would do things differently.

Woah, that is some severe stuff.

Just reading it I feel sorry for the poor lad. How is he going to learn independence and decison making under such a regime

It sounds oppressive and stifling of any spontaneity, you don't really make him decide what Tv wants to watch at a future date and earn it with extra homeworrk

I'm a bit lost for words, or have a fallen for a wind up, I really can't tell

Personally I find this level of hot housing of a Y9 child (or any child) is worse than regulating their phones. That is seriously OTT for any child.

Jesus Christ 😬

I agree, forcing that sort of regime on a teen teaches them nothing for later in life. Same as over the top regulation of other aspects such as phones, bed times etc. I didn't have too many rules for my oldest DS and he is really motivated and was able to manage studying for GCSEs, work and now college. It works for us.

no tablets/consoles on or in room between 9pm and 6am.

All accounts must be accessible by me if i want to see what she's up to (i dont check often, but have the ability if i think something is up)

She's not allowed tiktok, discord, or snapchat, but i do allow youtube, facebook/insta.

Her phone only does calls/texts so when she's out she can still contact me, but i have to know where she is going, who she is with, and she must answer my texts if i send one, and she must be back on time.

I have a sensible 14 yr old dd and she speaks to all of her friends on social media, they make plans and play games etc. I do feel sorry for the teens that aren’t allowed, as they get left out of everything, and you can really see it affects their friendships. They don’t really have any/many friends. So before you ban everything be aware they may either be ostracised or get a burner phone (lots of dds friends have them of those with super strict parents) and they just do it behind their parents backs.

We wanted a totally transparent and open connection with our teens, it promotes trust, they talk to us about everything. We don’t ‘lay down the law’ and be authoritative - we have a more relaxed style, we talk things through. Come to an agreement together and let our expectations be known. We haven’t been let down yet. It’s worked really well for us.

Phones etc downstairs at 9pm on school nights, 9.45pm at the weekend.
Dc then usually read until they ready to sleep.

Teens need to learn how to manage SM etc and be able to independently limit their screen time and prioritise sleep. It’s a life skill, so better not to make SM a forbidden fruit but to have some exposure gradually and explaining as you go to keep them safe.

Cannot imagine having to 'earn' the right to watch a film 😱 Jesus.

My 14yo doesn't have many rules - phone goes off overnight from 11.30pm - 6.30am, expected to do homework (although the school is very strict on this anyway), clear up after himself, be generally good company. Allowed out whenever he wants, can have friends round without asking inc sleepovers, can hang around town to his hearts content!

We also prioritise homework over all else, until it’s finished and checked they don’t chat to friends or go on phones. To be fair we started this a long time ago before phones, so it didn’t need enforcement when phones arrived as it’s a fixed routine.

My ds is totally uninterested in phones/social media so we don't have an issue there. And he's a home bod so far.

Rules are around doing homework, tidying room, putting his dirty laundry in his wash basket, being in bed by 9.30 (or he is really grumpy), and turning off appliances and lights.

So far I've been lucky. I realise it will probably get worse so I'm enjoying the calm before the storm. 😀

No 'rules' around phone but DD self regulates well so I'm never needed them.

In terms of social life- she can go into town/meet up with friends after school but has to be home by 6. Weekends are hers to do as she pleases mostly but she has a couple of hobbies and sports that keep her busy. If she's going out I ask what time she needs picking up- once she said midnight and I said "er no, see you at half ten" but that's the extent of it.

She's naturally academic and hard working so have never had to intervene to ensure homework done etc.

I’m very surprised that people think 2 hours of study time is too much for a year 9! That is the expectation from the school and I know many other parents at the school actually expect significantly more.

If a DC gets home at say 3.30, they still have over 4 hours to do what they want even with 2 hours of studying.

Personally I think surveilling DC’s private messages and social media is far more concerning than expecting them to work hard at school!

My DCs work very hard at school so its not that no emphasisis put on that, 2 hrs a night is way OTT for a 13/14 yo and completely unnecessary. Most DCs don't get home at 330, mine don't finish till 345 and its a 45 min walk home for a start then have various activities after, a rounded education is better than just studying for exams for several years surely. DS1 got mostly 7-9s in his exams whilst working also (he works in the music industry so works many hours during school time) and never studied for 2 hrs a night even in Y11.

We dont monitor their phones content or usage either though as that's not right but limiting usage if a child can't be trusted/struggles to get up every morning is a non issue.

It's way too much. I didn't even do that much work for my A-levels!

Ten hours/week after school plus even more at weekends for a 13/14 year old is just insanity to me. Why does he need to do so much work?