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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm in love with an older man

122 replies

Caiaa · 28/08/2022 17:53

I'm 30 and he is 55.

I have totally fallen for him and I want to be with him. However, is the age gap too big? I know my parents will be upset. He also has a daughter the same age as me.

Would you find this weird. If you're around his age and he was one of your friends what would you think?

Am I being stupid?

OP posts:
Frizzzmonster · 28/08/2022 17:55

The age itself wouldn't bother me but the fact that you're the age of his daughter definitely would. It makes me question how he sees you. Does he enjoy being in control of a daughter figure?

entropynow · 28/08/2022 17:56

Probably not the best audience here as MNetters think every significant age gap is pretty much automatically grooming and abusive.
Honestly time alone will tell, just as in any other new feeling and new relationship. Don't rush, always a good plan

entropynow · 28/08/2022 17:57

Aaand QED

Hippyatheart58 · 28/08/2022 17:59

If your both single and have the same life goals then I don't see the issues. I shamefully got a serious crush on a man in his mid 50s this year. Confessed to my husband who found it hilarious and makes jokes everytime we drive past him 😳 If we was both single I would of been seriously trying to get his attention. I have never found older men attractive but there was something about him. DH and I are in a very committed relationship btw.

teenagetantrums · 28/08/2022 18:04

I'm 55 my partner is 68. If you happy go for it. You have to plan for the future though when you might end up as a carer. Do you want or have children. I have adult children so l didn't need to consider that

emmetgirl · 28/08/2022 18:19

I used to be in a relationship with someone 20 years older than me. We met when I was 34 and he was 54. It lasted 12 years.
The cracks started to show when he hit mid 60s. There's a bigger "difference" between that and mid 50s with a 20 year gap.
It'll be fine for you for maybe the next 10 years then you'll really start to see the issues.

Snugglemonkey · 28/08/2022 19:26

My partner and I have a similar age gap. Has not caused any issues. It is very different if a 20 year old is with a 35 year old than if both parties are finished growing up before getting together.

Do you both want the same things from life? Are you in the same place regarding children? To me, these are the big questions.

Showmethefood · 28/08/2022 19:39

There is 21 years between me and my husband. We have been married almost 7 years ♥️

ChocAuVin · 28/08/2022 19:42

My sibling has a 21 year gap with their spouse. Married 17 years and one of the happiest couples I’ve known.

SprinkleOfSunak · 28/08/2022 19:49

I wouldn’t find it at all weird. I think older men are so much more attractive than younger ones.

Life is too short, go for it! I wish you all the best.

Nanny0gg · 28/08/2022 20:04

Any cracks will probably show when he hits late 60s.

Do you want children?

girlmom21 · 28/08/2022 20:08

I think him having a daughter your age makes it weird

ArabellaBottomsley · 28/08/2022 20:11

The thing to consider is the age difference as you both get older.

The likelihood is he will die long before you (male life expectancy is something like 81.)

Fast forward 25 years and you will be 55 and he will be 80.

I almost married a man 13 years older. We didn't split because of the age gap.

He married someone 15 years younger. Now, at 80, she is his carer as he has an illness similar to Parkinson's.

If you can accept the possibility of young(er) widowhood and being a carer, then go ahead.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 28/08/2022 20:13

For me it's not the age gap, it's the fact that he has a daughter the same age as you and the thought of my Dad being with someone the same age as me is disgusting.

Malie · 28/08/2022 20:15

The fact he has a daughter your age would make me question how he views you. Be careful!

Flutterbybudget · 28/08/2022 20:15

I wouldn’t find it weird. You’re old enough to know your own mind. I don’t find it weird that he’s got a daughter your age either.
Just make sure that you are on the same page regarding having children, you having a career etc.
I’m older than you, and I’m trying to imagine dating someone with that age gap, and actually I WOULD if it felt right.

grafittiartist · 28/08/2022 20:24

15 years between my grandparents. In fact- they were the ages that you are both.

ShortyShortLegs · 28/08/2022 20:59

My husband is 25 years older than me, we got married when I was 21.
We've been married 23 years and had three children. We haven't had any problems with the age gap, he didn't have any children but wanted them, my parents didn't mind because they could see how well we got on. His family didn't think we'd last though!

MummyTo2GorgeousMunchkins · 28/08/2022 22:52

There is a similar age gap between me and my husband and we met when I was in my early thirties (he had no children though). We have now been together 13 years and have two gorgeous children. However I am now in my mid 40s and am having to care for my husband, in addition to our two children, due to his disabilities. Life is hard due to this but I don’t regret being together. Although, the chances are that if I’d let someone my own age I wouldn’t be a carer now. Only you can decide if you are prepared to potentially be a career while still relatively young. I know this could happen to anyone but the chances are huge with an older partner.

Blizzardbeach · 28/08/2022 22:59

MIL and FIL have a 14 year ahead gap, she wad 18 to his 32.
Since he was 60 odd she's needed to care for him. .over the past 6 or 7 years things jabe got progressively worse. He has renal failure, heart failure, cancer, diabetes, hands are shot, knees are in a really bad state and je has alzheimers.
FIL requires pretty much weekly Dr's appts. He is often in hospital and is at the point where we pretty much have a bag packed for incase, and we take it in turns making sure someone has an eye on him.

I feel sorry for MIL that this ha

GreenClock · 28/08/2022 23:00

I think it’s creepy when men go for much younger women on dating sites. Predatory. Also unpleasant if there is a power imbalance due to seniority at work.

But if the couple met at a party or through friends or a hobby, and happened to hit it off, it’s different.

So for me it would depend on how you met and if he targeted you.

Blizzardbeach · 28/08/2022 23:02

*this has been her life for the past several years. In her mid 50s she shouldn't have been going through the things she has with her husband.

Please really consider that this could be your life together.
However, maybe that's worth it to you for the good years you could have. Just have a plan for when the bad health comes so it doesn't eat you up whole too

Mariokartedoff · 28/08/2022 23:03

Malie · 28/08/2022 20:15

The fact he has a daughter your age would make me question how he views you. Be careful!

Same. It also makes me wonder how he views his own daughter

Usernameisgone · 28/08/2022 23:03

Im 35 and my oh is 56 we have been together 4years.
Not one person has commented on our age difference! It makes no difference to me either! Just make sure you are both on the same page and want the same things in the future!

Livinghappy · 28/08/2022 23:09

The age gap is too much and add in his daughter being the same age, it would be a definite old.

I would be questioning if he is a father figure for you.

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