I'm in love with an older man

[Caiaa]

I'm 30 and he is 55.

I have totally fallen for him and I want to be with him. However, is the age gap too big? I know my parents will be upset. He also has a daughter the same age as me.

Would you find this weird. If you're around his age and he was one of your friends what would you think?

Am I being stupid?

Age telescopes when one is very young, and very old.
12 yrs is noticeable if one is 18 and partner 30, and then 70 and partner 82,
But I have known bigger age gaps where couples seem very contented.
A relative has a partner 20 plus yrs older than her-
He is in his early 90’s, she, her Sixties.

Remember my friends mother when we were early twenties very solemnly sitting us both down and saying whatever we did in life do not enter into a relationship like hers. Her Dh was 20 odd years older her retirement was being a carer for a grumpy old man. Never forgotten it. Dh 3 years younger. Think it’s probably fine when everyone is mid life but 70/50 onwards must be tough on the younger one. Then they are widowed.

I'm 51 and the thought of spending this next third of my life caring for a 76 year old is horrendous. I've brought up my DC, I've worked since I was 15, I'm financially relatively OK - now is my time to have fun, travel and generally be a little bit carefree.

Add in your own ageing parents to the mix (mine have passed, relatively young, but if they hadn't that would have been another lot of caring to do).

Also do you want your own kids? I honestly think a 55 year old father is irresponsible.

Well, I've posted about age gaps before but.....
My ex is in his 60s and re married an early thirties girl a couple of years ago. I know large age gaps can work but the lass is the same age as our daughter, I find that the worst part really. There's something weird about it.

They have a small child together now, I wonder how the relationship will be when my ex is nearing 80, and she is trying to cope with an older teenager and an elderly husband. I wonder how the child will be, growing up with a much older dad.....my ex was very "old fashioned" in his views when we were married so goodness knows how he'll cope with the next generation growing up.

In addition, the new wife has parents (the in-laws) who are a similar age to her husband. As an only child, presumably she'll be caring for them at the same time as caring for her aging husband.....I just find the whole thing bizarre.

Have a fling and see how it goes. You don't have to commit long term as long as you're honest with each other.

Agree with this. It depends on the where the age gap is OP? At 55 those things don't matter your wise enough! Been round the block...

But if you was 25 with a 20 age gap I think that's different t just because of life stages and where you both are... in the long run I could see it been an issue

I was in a relationship with a similar age gap and similar ages. We did have a lot of fun and we really connected. I doubt
Ultimately we parted ways as he was definitely done with child rearing, and I wasn't. He's now married to someone his own age.
Also, my dad married someone about 5 years younger than me. They had kids when he was already a grandad, and I think he's regretted that. That marriage is now over and he's in a relationship with someone his own age too.

Sorry totally missed the ages you listed. NO your too young long term it would be an issue you can't compete with that level of life experience either

Your views aren't all that important. To him. To his friends. To his child. To his wider family. You'll be seen as the inconsequential younger bit of fluff.

He on the other hand may lose some friends and family over this - his daughter may not be very impressed, his friends' wives won't be thrilled by hanging out with you so invites may be less. Most people his age will think he's a bit of a saddo, a few men may be impressed.

If you were my daughter I'd just spend some money on counselling, probably a better long term investment.

Are you the Twinkie in the city?

If you want your own DC then yes the age gap is too large. Although he could father children there’s a much higher chance they will not be NT. It’s also not fair on DC to have a father at the age that most men are becoming grandfathers.

And yes there will probably be problems with both your family and his.

The comments about you being a carer and not having the opportunity to enjoy your retirement are also valid.

It feels like a very unbalanced relationship - lots of benefits for him, not so many for you

Age gap marriage here too..16 years..quite frankly if I had my time again I wouldn't do it, he is now 70s, ailing health, I do not want to be a carer. He sits watching tv all day. I'm healthy and active.

I would find it very weird personally but that's just me.

From your perspective it might be fine but how weird of him to be dating someone his daughter's age? Is he really respecting you as an equal?

Also the age gap might not be much now, but what about if you want kids and he's past that life stage? What about in 5 years when he's 60? 10 years when he's 65? What about when he's 80 and not able to travel or go out much and potentially needs lots of care, and you're only 55?

I saw this happen with my grandparents-in-law. Only half the age gap you have, and GM was young and fit but not able to travel or live her own life. GP had Alzheimer's and she was his carer. When he died it was like this celebration that she would finally be able to live her life again - she had so many plans - and she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and died within 3 months.

Yes the age gap is too big. Right now he's an older man. Very soon he'll be an old man and then what will you do; play nurse maid for 20 years, as his faculties go, he needs cleaning up after and the intimacy goes.

It may look enticing now but it really won't. People only need to look at their parents as they move into their 60s and 70s to realise how much extra support old people need.

Find someone more your age, with similar interests that you can make a life with and grow old with at the same pace.

you are different generations and at different phases of your life.

Do you want to have children with him ?

Does he want to be changing nappies at age 60 and having to work for the next 20 years to support your child ?

Will he be attractive when he is 70 and you are 45 ? Will you be happy to deal with all his ailments etc ? If yes, then go for it.

Another different perspective - sometimes the age gap can force conversations that every couple should have re kids, timelines, retirement goals.

there are lots of people in marriages who given their time again wouldn’t have married their spouse. A long genuinely happy marriage is a rare thing.

the idea that I’d you marry someone that ticks all the boxes re age, wealth etc and then you get a great life is just not true.

if it’s right it’s right. In any relationship there are compromises to be made and challenges to face.

This is MN where there are peculiar people who think anything more than 2 years is some freakish control thing 🙄
OP everyone is different. There are countless examples of large age gap relationship at stay the course. Tbh the stats of ANY relationship lasting forever are pretty weak so worrying too much about 25 years time is fruitless. Go where the heart leads you but with eyes wide open x

You could have an accident or illness yourself and need to be cared for

Nobody is immune not even you.

At 45 your not so young and beautiful yourself anymore.

Any age can have ailments.
Are all younger ppl in.perfect health?

There's 10 years between my parents. My dad is a frail mid 70s, functionally much older, so there's more of a carer relationship now.

Better to have children with someone your own age then is it who runs off and dosent want to know his children at all from birth then is it?

Some of these replies are painfully ignorant and silly

Are they the only 2 options?

Have children with someone approaching 60 or someone who runs off before they are born?

I can see this has hit a nerve. But I don’t see your logic. Or the logic in ‘young people get sick’. Theres no point pretending it’s not a lot more likely in age gap relationships.

Come on. Let’s not pretend that it’s just as common to have to care for a partner at 45 than at say 75. We all know that’s not true.

If it becomes permanant, not only do you face being his carer in too short a time, you also face being widowed young. Lots of friends now dealing with it, most surprisingly unprepared.

Of course I could become ill and need cared for @girlfriend44 - anything can happen in life. OTOH I could get lucky. No amount of luck will stop me getting older though...