I'm in love with an older man

[Caiaa]

I'm 30 and he is 55.

I have totally fallen for him and I want to be with him. However, is the age gap too big? I know my parents will be upset. He also has a daughter the same age as me.

Would you find this weird. If you're around his age and he was one of your friends what would you think?

Am I being stupid?

Will you be happy caring for both your ageing parents, and your ageing husband of the same age ?

I would not. He is going to age rapidly from 55 onwards. He will be retired and you will only 40. He will be 75 and you will only be 50. I am 50. It is not old.

And, potentially, still bringing up fairly young children.

I know a couple who are married, have been for a few years. He is 50-something (not sure exactly, just know he is in his fifties), she is now in her (very) early thirties. I think it's lovely as they get along so well and are so similar, makes a change from listening to colleagues whose partners are around the same age complaining about their relationships, I'll be honest!

Well it may be “lovely” now but Its not those ages that’s the problem is it? It’s when he is 75 ish and she is 50 ish when it bites. Then she likely a widow at 55 / 60 when her mates are having lovely retirements with their similar age husbands.

I imagine she didn't want to settle for someone of the same age just so they could spend retirement together rubbing along nicely, when she could spend however long with the person she dearly wanted to be with. And that's also assuming they both die of old age.

DP and I have an age difference (almost a decade) and it is what it is. Neither of us were put off by age, I would imagine most people in similar situations consider the person above age/retirement issues.

Or meet someone right for her broadly the same age? Who said anything about “settling”? Fine do what you want no one else really cares but there’s undoubtedly a likely outcome with a very large age practically generational gap. Hence why the vast majority of us don’t even go there. Anecdotally don’t think I know a single large age gap (10 year plus) in a long term couple - seems quite rare.

10 years is not 25 years though. It’s really a completely different thing.

That should have been 10 years

A lot of people seem to say they isn't care, but... do. The right person for her is a lot older, so she doesn't have a need to meet someone the same age.

These threads always end up being polarised between two camps.

You have the age is just a number brigade telling us that their 68 year old DP is fitter then most 20 years olds, competes in triathlons and is an MMA fighter and that the 25 year old age gap is nothing. You then have the you will be wiping his bum when he is 80 mob while you are in your prime at 50 and uber horny.

Agree 10 years very different to 25. You’re broadly in the same age bracket. My dads friends just ewww (I am nearly 50 they are mid 70s just no)

well, I guess the question is: how would he feel about a 55 year old letching over his 30 year old daughter?

My dp had a conversation with someone he worked with once and the bloke was saying he’d love to shag a 25 year old, what with him now being in his 60’s and all. And dp said “you mean someone like your daughter?” The bloke threatened to punch him. But actually it’s a valid point. I don’t think for one second that many older men would be happy with their friends of the same age letching over their daughters. And yet they think it’s ok for them to do it.

I understand the difference, I just can't get too bothered about an age gap. My grandad died in his 50s, from cancer, and my grandma (they were almost exactly the same age) spent the rest of her life either wishing she had died too or worrying my parents by talking about how she just wanted to join him. We don't know what will happen, maybe OP will discover she doesn't get along all that well with him if they start a relationship. Different strokes for different folks and all that.

My partner is nearly 18 years my senior. If it makes you happy and you can genuinely accept that one day you may be his carer and it's likely you will spend your retirement alone, do it. I've made my piece with my future, you never know what it brings anyway!

You really can’t think what the different implications are of a nine or less age gap and 25 years?!

My best friend is 50. Her DH is 71. They have a 13 year old and a 9 year old. Been together 21 years. They are actually so happy. Her parents are about 2-3 years older than her DH. She says- and has always said that she went in knowing she would most likely be a fairly young widow and that she might well end up caring for her DH and her parents at the same time. But they were in love and there are no guarantees in life. As it happens her parents are starting to be chronically ill and her DH is in exceptional health and my best friend has just been diagnosed with leukemia. So it is her health they are now worrying about.

No guarantees in life, but I think I am of the mind that you don't turn down love when you find it.

No, I never said I did.

The father/daughter thing? My father's wife (my stepmother) is a year older than me. They got together when she was in her 20s (as was I) and he was in his late 40s. I can absolutely guarantee he had no 'creepy daughter fantasies' , they just really liked each other. It happens! (they are still together 25 years on).

My ex was 13 years older than me, but we did not split because of the age difference. I never really noticed it.

My current partner is 16 years younger than me. I think I maybe don't look at the age, but the person and the attraction. I do worry about me being 80 and him being still in his 60s. He says it does not bother him, that he will still love me when I am wrinkled and grey...but that's kind of easy to say when I'm still fairly gorgeous!

That said, my aunt has just died, she was 80 and was looking great and going on big adventures until the very end, so I reckon it's down to luck, decent genes and attitude.

Enjoy it for a while and see where it goes.

Its not as many years as your situation but I was in an 11 year relationship with a man 13 years older than I was when I was your age. I love my DH but he is the great love of my life. The age was never a problem for us.

I hate a one post poster !