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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm in love with an older man

122 replies

Caiaa · 28/08/2022 17:53

I'm 30 and he is 55.

I have totally fallen for him and I want to be with him. However, is the age gap too big? I know my parents will be upset. He also has a daughter the same age as me.

Would you find this weird. If you're around his age and he was one of your friends what would you think?

Am I being stupid?

OP posts:
LaraLei · 28/08/2022 23:13

I think you could be lucky and he is really young at heart and healthy. I think o would probably advice against though. You are young and he is hitting the age when you are more likely to pick up all sorts of health issues. I am saying that as a fit and healthy 50 year old. I also would never go out with a 30 year old. Too young and I would feel a bit like I was having a mid life crisis.

GlueyMooey · 28/08/2022 23:20

I think you are old enough to do what you want. If you were younger I'd think it creepy but not at 30. I'd think you would be really crazy to get more involved though. When you are 50 he would be 75 - that sounds depressing to me 🧓🏼

underneaththeash · 28/08/2022 23:25

Yes! Can you imagine when you're 50 he'll be 75?

My DF died early at 62 and she re-married and her second husband died at 78.

Do. not do it.

Ladyof2022 · 28/08/2022 23:35

When my dad was 70 he married a woman of 42. They were blissfully happy until death parted them 11 years later.

KnickerlessParsons · 28/08/2022 23:38

In ten years time, or less, he'll be retired and you'll still be working. Will that be an issue.
Will it be an issue when his social life in retirement revolves around bridge club and bowls club etc and how will you feel when you're out with his 55 year old friends?

Firty · 28/08/2022 23:51

When you’re 45 and still attractive (and horny), he’ll be 70 and worrying about his hip replacement.

You would end up his carer.

Then he would die and you would face old age alone.

This isn’t a path to happiness for you OP.

girlfriend44 · 29/08/2022 00:18

So what big deal. Sick of seeing this on mumsnet. It's hardly a problem either.

girlfriend44 · 29/08/2022 00:20

Firty · 28/08/2022 23:51

When you’re 45 and still attractive (and horny), he’ll be 70 and worrying about his hip replacement.

You would end up his carer.

Then he would die and you would face old age alone.

This isn’t a path to happiness for you OP.

Don't be so bloody stupid I won't necessarily turn out that way at all.

dottypotter · 29/08/2022 00:22

emmetgirl · 28/08/2022 18:19

I used to be in a relationship with someone 20 years older than me. We met when I was 34 and he was 54. It lasted 12 years.
The cracks started to show when he hit mid 60s. There's a bigger "difference" between that and mid 50s with a 20 year gap.
It'll be fine for you for maybe the next 10 years then you'll really start to see the issues.

So grab happiness while you can then.
No reason not to go for some happiness now and worry about what might happen if and when it does.

MrsLeBouef · 29/08/2022 00:23

@Caiaa do you have children already and if not do you want them? Does he want any more children? I would say this is pretty crucial.

TheVanguardSix · 29/08/2022 00:25

You’ll regret it, OP. In 5-7 years, you’ll be absolutely kicking yourself, believe me. It’s a ridiculous age gap.

girlfriend44 · 29/08/2022 00:28

TheVanguardSix · 29/08/2022 00:25

You’ll regret it, OP. In 5-7 years, you’ll be absolutely kicking yourself, believe me. It’s a ridiculous age gap.

😂
Meanwhile Same age relationships are breaking up all the time.

ZenNudist · 29/08/2022 00:29

I couldn't do it in your shoes. He's not going to want kids so you'd have to give up on that. Hrs aboutv5 years off looking quite old. Even if he retires late he's going to putting himself out to pasture as you are still working. Plus there's the whole risk of ending up his nurse maid. Yuk. Not a good idea. Plus 25 year gap quite creepy. If I were your friends I wouldn't have much in common and vice versa you and his friends. Nasty. Avoid.

kimchifox · 29/08/2022 00:34

When you are my age he will be 73. I wouldn't want that right now, I think I'd find it very limiting. But each to their own.

Annigolden · 29/08/2022 00:37

Old Age doesn’t automatically result in people needing carers. Anyone can get ill at any time. Yeah age increases the risk but it’s not a given. And maybe OP would have many years of happiness and if her partner then required care maybe she’d be happy to give it, because she loved him.

MN is very ageist. You can’t have older or younger partners and god forbid you are an older parent!

hangrylady · 29/08/2022 00:41

You know what, if you're both happy and love each other why not? The only issue is if you want kids and he doesn't as he has been there done that. If that's the case then walk away or you'll regret it.

girlfriend44 · 29/08/2022 00:56

Annigolden · 29/08/2022 00:37

Old Age doesn’t automatically result in people needing carers. Anyone can get ill at any time. Yeah age increases the risk but it’s not a given. And maybe OP would have many years of happiness and if her partner then required care maybe she’d be happy to give it, because she loved him.

MN is very ageist. You can’t have older or younger partners and god forbid you are an older parent!

Absolutely people's answers about needing a carer are ridiculous ignore them op.
Some of the happiest people I know are in age gap relationships.

HippyLife · 29/08/2022 00:57

I'm 28 and I would do unspeakable things to Paul Hollywood (56) given half the chance 😂

Go be happy 😊❤️

wellhelloitsme · 29/08/2022 01:04

Do you want kids at some point and does he want any more at some point?

The next 5-10 years are your best shot at falling pregnant (obviously women do after that, but the odds are statistically less) so this is a really important thing to consider.

Do you want to get married at some point and does he want to get married again at some point?

These are key considerations.

been and done it. · 29/08/2022 01:10

Personally I think it's too much, probably not now but as he gets older the problems may well arise...his health, his ability to keep up with you..my friend's husband is only a few years older than her but she's finding the physical differences huge now.

QueenCamilla · 29/08/2022 01:47

There's a 19 year age gap between me and my exH.
I'm nearly 36, he's 55.
It wasn't the age gap that ended our relationship a few years ago but It would be an issue in it's own right now.
My ex has put on excess weight, has constant "aches and pains", moves/walks/talks like an old man... We are gulfs apart at this point in life and I'm glad we broke-up when we did.

My limit is 5 years either side of my age now.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 29/08/2022 02:05

Stage of life is important IMO. My DP is 10-11 years older but when we met were at very similar points in our lives, having children of similar ages, re-establishing ourselves after divorce, advanced in our careers etc - it's a very balanced relationship in that respect. We have lots in common and our goals for the future are aligned.

I think once you get to 20+ years difference it would be much harder to achieve that.

FrozenGhost · 29/08/2022 02:19

I wouldn't OP. My DH is 12 years older and we also met when I was 30. At the time it seemed OK, down the line, even 12 years feels like too big of a gap. We just aren't at the same stage of life, I don't feel like we are going through life together. 25 years? No way.

Totallyanonymousplease · 29/08/2022 02:46

I don’t really understand the ‘you might be his career’ comments - surely you might have to be your partners carer whatever age you are? In same age relationships when you both hit 80 wouldn’t one of you probably be being cared for in some way? Women generally outlive men so this seems a likely scenario whatever age you are.

it seems it’s very rare to find someone who is a genuine match till death does you part - just look at these boards!

go into it with your eyes open but if it’s right why not.

Greebosmum · 29/08/2022 03:10

Can't believe people think you crumble after 50.

My DH is 64 and plays drums in a rock band.

My sister is 69 and cycles 100s of miles a week when not doing long distance waks.

My brother, in his 70s still travels the world and I mean Vietnam, India type travel, not Spain for the winter.

We all have health issues but definitely do not need to be cared for and carry on regardless.

Only you can decide if this seems right to you. Personally I have always followed my heart which hasn't given me the wealthiest life, but I've had a lot of fun. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.