I'm in love with an older man

[Caiaa]

I'm 30 and he is 55.

I have totally fallen for him and I want to be with him. However, is the age gap too big? I know my parents will be upset. He also has a daughter the same age as me.

Would you find this weird. If you're around his age and he was one of your friends what would you think?

Am I being stupid?

I don’t think it’s just about the age gap and wether that itself is an issues.

Its the details like, do you want to have any or more children. What do you want out of a relationship?

and it is prudent to think of what happens in 15 years. You will be 45 and him 70. He could be fit and healthy. My dad is 67 and isn’t like a the typical almost 70 year old. He spent the day, yesterday running in and out of the sea with my son. He seems much younger and is a lot fitter then many men his own age. On the flip side mums health failed badly from 60 and declined quickly, for no real reason. And she died unexpectedly last year at 66. So no can predict anything.

But let’s be honest, it’s far more likely that by 50 your like will be restricted by some sort of care needs of his. It can happen to anyone at any age. But it’s far more likely when there’s a big age gap.

Theres obviously the potential impact on any kids. Again, there’s no definitives. It’s all about looking likely outcomes and really deciding if that’s the life you would be happy with. Some people would be happy.

I am 40 and my kids are teens and an adult. My life is just starting to become more of my own. I absolutely wouldn’t date someone approaching 60. But the fact that I wouldn’t do it means nothing.

If I were his daughter I would lose any respect for him.

and never mind wanting children, it’s not fair to children to give them a grandfather figure who will almost certainly be dead before they graduate.

Probably views her as a grown adult capable of making her own life decisions. She's 30 not 15. This site never ceases to amaze me.

The people who say that it’s ridiculous to think you’ll be his carer are being ridiculous. I’m in a line of work where I see this ALL the time. Yes, even if you are a similar age you can end up a carer, but if you’re both in your 80s less is expected of you and you tend to receive more help. If you’re 25 years younger and fit and well, with social care the way it is at present, you’ll be expected to do more. Trust me, it’s a thing. Many partners don’t mind and are happy to care for their spouse, but some feel very trapped. You need to give careful thought to how you would feel in that situation. Would you be happy as an active 60 year old, not even yet retired, caring for an 85 year old husband with potentially a whole host of needs?

of course he may be lucky and be in very good health at that age, i know an 85 year old who went to Glastonbury festival this year. But they are the exception, not the rule.

it’s not the age gap now that’s an issue, though I would find him having a daughter the same age a bit odd. It’s down the line. You need to think carefully about whether you want to gamble with the much higher chance of ending up his carer than if you were closer in age. Yes illness and disability can happen at any age and you may end up a carer even with a smaller gap. But let’s face it, with an age gap like that it is much more likely. That’s not to say don’t do it. But really consider the the future if you think it could be long term.

A good friend of mine is married to a man 25 years older than her. The age gap became much more apparent once he hit 65 and she was only 40. Now he is late 70s and she really resents the fact that he is making her old before her time. She is caring for both him and her own parents and really wishes she'd married someone younger now.

My mum and stepdad were 15 years different in age. She was the youngest.
I never saw her so happy and he was such an amazing stepdad to me and my brother too.
Age is just a number, if he makes you happy then go for it.

I feel like we spend to much time trying to please others that we don't end up happy ourselves. Go for it x

My friend is in her middle 50s. Her husband has just turned 80. They have 3 children, 22, 19 and 16.
They are probably one of the happiest couples I know.

So same as bj and carrie! Seriously though l would feel there is often a power imbalance. The fact he's much older means he's normally better off financially and that puts you on the back foot straight away. I would be uneasy if this were my dd about the same age as you

Ask yourself whether he would go out with an 80-year-old.

That's the age difference the other way. If he was on a dating site his upper range range would be lower than his own age. The reality is if you suggested he went out with someone aged 80 he'd laugh in your face.

One day you would be that 55-year-old with an 80-year-old partner. Is that really what you want?

I'd want to know whether he is the kind of man who ends any relationship with a woman once they are 40.

There are a number of men who come to mind who fit this assumption.

I met someone at 25 who was 55 and I didn’t have a relationship with him - I love him and he is my best friend. I wish I had married him. He is now a fit and healthy 80 year old and I would have been very happily married - he is my soulmate instead we are friends but I love him with all my heart and wish I had done something different.

my friend met someone at 25 and they were together ten years before he dropped down dead aged 35 - she doesn’t regret either but I’m just saying people in their 30 and 40 get cancer etc so yes I would go for it.
discuss it first - pension, retirement, caring etc

How did the relationship with the mother of his child end? Is he a widower? Did she leave him? Be wary as many men dump their fifty year old wives as they have,allegedly, been unhappy for years and the vast majority find that happiness having sex with younger women. The problem is that it is hard to find out the truth as they aren't going to admit what they did. If he is a divorcee you can take the risk but look at what he has done and not what he says. How he treats his first wife will give you a clue to how he will treat you.

I don't think you are being stupid. There's enough misery in life so if you are happy together then go for it.

As for all the "you'll end up his carer then you'll be a widow at a young age" rubbish I was widowed at 22, my DH was 26 and had a terminal illness that we couldn't have foreseen. I guess what I'm trying to say is you can end up a carer at any age and we don't know what's around the corner.

Good luck for the future whatever you decide.

You do have to consider the consequences in 20 years time when you will be 50 and him 74. It might be fine. But also remember if you have kids he will be more like a grandfather than a father to them. Just can’t help the advance of Father Time

What do you want from this relationship? If you're looking for marriage and kids, is that doable or sensible with someone his age?

It might start out OK and then you realise it's too much and it's not going to work. If you like each other you should give it a go though. The age gap isn't so big that it would shock people. I'm 34 and the oldest I've dated was 37 when I was 27. I much prefer younger, I'm not into older men at all.

It isn't rubbish though is it? It's far and away the most likely scenario. I am sorry for your loss at such a young age, but surely you realise that's most unusual, and that the general ageing process is much more the norm?

I know someone with a much bigger age gap.
The gf is younger than the eldest DD and the same age as the next one, which I find very weird.

It definitely wasn’t a smooth ride as both families fell out with them and it took years of healing.

But they had an incredible relationship that has lasted 25 years.

She is around 45 and he’s around 75 (she was 18 and he was 49/50 when they met).

There relationship has been amazing apart from the last 2 years.

He is now an old man whereas she feels she has a lot of life left.
She is his career as he has dementia and mobility issues.
She doesn’t have any life of her own.

They also have 3 kids under 10 who all get teased because of it.

I do think she gaps work as it’s about personality and maturity but I don’t think they work in the long run.

He’s had his life and will soon want to slow down whereas you’re at the peak of your life.

Maybe just see how things go.

There's 20 years between me and my husband, and we've been very happily married for 17 years :-)

I agree with the PP about if you want kids and marriage.

Most men don’t want kids or marriage at his age.
That would suit me as I don’t want that either but it may not suit you.

My partner and I have been together just over twelve years with a 14 year age gap. I adore him and it's me that has been the ill one- I have cancer and a long term condition. He holds the fort, the children (we have six between us) the dog and an important job.
It makes no difference to me how old he is. He is my everything.

I've been with DP for 23 years and we have 2 DCs. He's 16 years older than me so it can work

Is he called Andrew ?

Well that sounds suspiciously familiar. How has this not been canned yet?!