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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

People who never have relationships - how unusual?

127 replies

Anon778833 · 20/12/2021 18:02

I know a man who has gone through his entire adult life never having a relationship. It isn't that he tries to go on dates with people and it doesn't work out. He never even tries to ever go on a date. He will only have sex with someone but he wants no other connection in any way. Not surprisingly, women don't like this(!). He seems to find normal social interactions almost painful.

He has a younger brother who couldn't be more different.

I've been wondering how common this sort of thing is? Do you know anyone like this?

OP posts:

buzzandwoodyallday · 20/12/2021 18:27

I have a 35 year old male cousin who has only ever had 1 girlfriend for around 2 years and otherwise has never dated etc. Personally, I think it may be because he is actually gay but because there are no other homosexuals in our extended family, and his narcissistic mother, he's either too afraid to admit it to others, or living in denial about it.

It's very sad.

Singinghollybob · 20/12/2021 18:32

I have a friend aged 41 who I've known for 20 years. He's never been in a relationship been on a date or kissed anyone.

RedCandyApple · 20/12/2021 18:33

I’ve met loads of men that only wanted sex but a relationship, I don’t think it’s uncommon actually. My uncle is in his 50s never had a relationship no children never lived with anyone

IWillFindYou · 20/12/2021 18:37

I don’t know hiw common, never met anyone like me, I don’t think.

I’ve never been in a relationship, wanted to, though.
I don’t want sex at all, ever.
I’m asexual.
That seems to be problem for most all people, so single I am.

NuffSaidSam · 20/12/2021 18:38

People who are single through choice?

I know a few. They're generally very happy ime!

Itsnotover · 20/12/2021 18:40

Other men who know this guy refer to him as 'weird' . I am not sure whether he has attachment problems. Or maybe he's autistic and finds interaction a bit painful.

Moonface123 · 20/12/2021 18:43

Everyone is entitled to live their lives doing what feels right for them.
l think eventually single people will out number the married couples and partners, and theres nothing wrong in that.

Itsnotover · 20/12/2021 18:44

@IWillFindYou

I don’t know hiw common, never met anyone like me, I don’t think.

I’ve never been in a relationship, wanted to, though.
I don’t want sex at all, ever.
I’m asexual.
That seems to be problem for most all people, so single I am.

I can understand it when someone's asexual. I guess that makes more sense then. The thing about this person is that he tries to pretend he wants a relationship because that's the only way he can get sex. Then people are left hurt.

Itsnotover · 20/12/2021 18:46

@Moonface123

Everyone is entitled to live their lives doing what feels right for them. l think eventually single people will out number the married couples and partners, and theres nothing wrong in that.

This is an interesting perspective but I think the reality is that most people feel compelled to find a partner at least some of the time.

StormBaby · 20/12/2021 18:47

One of my school friends still hasn’t had a relationship and she’s 42. She’s successful, owns her own flat, she’s just never met anyone

tiagra · 20/12/2021 18:48

Me, mid 50s with life long social anxiety and low self esteem. I've had quite a lot of counselling but no improvement.
Probably to many red flags now for anyone to be interested.

Sparklepants53 · 20/12/2021 18:50

I know two women like this.
Happy, confident, outgoing, good looking.
Just never really felt the need to couple up.

I am rather in awe of them actually. So many people settle with a partner they’re not in love with just because it’s the socially expected thing to do.

Witheringlooks · 20/12/2021 19:05

I know a few people like this men and women. I think it's probably more common than people realise. Doesn't mean there is anything wrong. Just that haven't met the person they want to spend a significant amount of time yet. Sometimes people just don't for various reasons. It's no-ones business except theirs.

Itsnotover · 20/12/2021 19:11

@Witheringlooks

I'm just curious. But also I think it is other peoples business if you use and hurt people.

Itsnotover · 20/12/2021 19:12

I'm not typical myself as I'm autistic but I wouldn't say I've never wanted a relationship. If I'm with someone I do tend to find that they take a lot of my emotional energy.

Sparklesocks · 20/12/2021 19:13

I know a couple of people like this. I think it’s mainly down to the fact they just haven’t met anyone, and they have built very full lives as single people that they’re mostly happy in - so anyone coming in romantically has to be worth it in order to slot them into that life.

slashlover · 20/12/2021 19:16

I'm aromantic asexual so apart from a two month relationship when I was 18 (thinking that if I tried it then something might kick in) then I've been single, I'm 42.

He could be aromantic.

Itsnotover · 20/12/2021 19:19

@slashlover

I'm aromantic asexual so apart from a two month relationship when I was 18 (thinking that if I tried it then something might kick in) then I've been single, I'm 42.

He could be aromantic.

That's so interesting- I had not heard of aromantic. I guess that would explain it.

Crazykatie · 20/12/2021 19:28

Looking back in my family history there have been quite a few that never married, male and female, in those “straight laced” days I assume they did not have relationships either.

NMC2022 · 20/12/2021 19:32

I haven't met anyone that wanted to be seen with me so that's why I'm not in a relationship. I've had a couple previously where it's turned out they're either not single or don't want to be seen in public with me
I've stopped dating now, it's easier than working out whether they're a dick or not and most men I come across want a petite slim girlfriend who is early 20s and looks like a model (even if they're mid fifties, in a tracksuit and look like they belong on crimewatch!)

MolkosTeenageAngst · 20/12/2021 19:33

I’m in my mid-30s. I have had one relationship in the past when I was in my early twenties. Prior to that I’d had some one night stands (although never enjoyed them, I just didn’t want to be a virgin) but had not ever dated or had a relationship, serious or otherwise.

My one relationship was relatively serious/ committed, it lasted around 2.5 years and we lived together for a year of that but it was also toxic in many ways, we argued a lot, he drank too much, sex was usually coercive and in hindsight we didn’t have a lot in common or want the same things at all. I think I was mostly with him because I felt I should be in a relationship rather than because I genuinely wanted to be with him and in the end the relationship put me off men and made me realise I don’t enjoy sex or sharing my life in that way, life feels simpler without the arguments and guilt and stress of trying to please another person.

Around 6 years ago I did wonder if maybe I would enjoy seeing men again and I started casually sleeping with a friend and I started to think maybe I would want to try a relationship again but then I was raped by a man whilst I was abroad, it brought back the memories of all the coercive sex I had in my one relationship and it made me realise I don’t ever want to put myself at risk by being alone with a man in that way again and so I have accepted I am unlikely to ever have a relationship again and truthfully I’m not really sure I want one anyway. I’ve wondered whether I might be able to enjoy a relationship with a woman as that feels safer but I think I would still find the sexual side of it difficult and I’m coming to realise I am probably asexual which explains to me why I have found so much difficulty in relationships. I think it’s unlikely I will ever be in a relationship again now.

IWillFindYou · 20/12/2021 19:34

@Itsnotover

Well, if he’s lying to people, then he is an asshole.

Just to be clear.
Being asexual and aromantic are two different things.
I’m only asexual, I wanted to be in a relationship, but never found someone who felt the same.

NurseButtercup · 20/12/2021 19:35

There are loads of people living like this, I suspect you would be surprised by the increasing number of women adopting this approach to life. Cindy Gallup spoke about this a few days ago:

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 20/12/2021 19:39

I'm aromantic. I am in a long-term relationship, we don't live together, and as much as I enjoy my partner's company when we do spend time together, it's because of mutual interests, not because of emotional needs being met or a craving for company. I don't deprive them of the emotional things they require from a partner, not at all in fact, I just don't require those same things back in order for me to be satisfied in a relationship. In fact, I'm actively repelled by romantic gestures, declarations of love etc, as I find them ridiculous, cringe-inducing, and totally superfluous. Fortunately my partner totally understands this and is completely unbothered by it, hence why our relationship works.

By far and away the most important part of a relationship for me is the sexual aspect, and I couldn't be with anyone who had no interest in an active sex life. I'd rather be single and spend my life entirely alone than be in a sexless relationship, because the other aspects of actually being in a relationship don't outweigh the negatives of having to mentally accommodate another person.

To be honest, I think I'd be perfectly happy never having to involve myself with other people in a romantic way at all provided my sexual needs were met, so I can completely understand why there are some people who have no interest in sharing their life with a significant other.

Seeleyboo · 20/12/2021 19:42

Two family members have been single for over 20 and over 40 years. Neither seem to be remotely interested in a relationship or any intimacy.

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