People who never have relationships - how unusual?

[Anon778833]

I know a man who has gone through his entire adult life never having a relationship. It isn't that he tries to go on dates with people and it doesn't work out. He never even tries to ever go on a date. He will only have sex with someone but he wants no other connection in any way. Not surprisingly, women don't like this(!). He seems to find normal social interactions almost painful.

He has a younger brother who couldn't be more different.

I've been wondering how common this sort of thing is? Do you know anyone like this?

I'm in my thirties and I've never had a relationship.

Sometimes I wish it was talked about more, and less stigmatised. It's so hard to admit and talk about.

I'm on Tiktok and the algorithm has shown me a lot of videos of men and women in the same situation. It has really helped me feel less of a complete weirdo.

By far and away the most important part of a relationship for me is the sexual aspect, and I couldn't be with anyone who had no interest in an active sex life. I'd rather be single and spend my life entirely alone than be in a sexless relationship, because the other aspects of actually being in a relationship don't outweigh the negatives of having to mentally accommodate another person.

Now I'm wondering if I'm aromantic as this pretty much describes my feelings too!

There's a large amount of Incel men but that's can't rather than won't.

I thought incel men just hate women and blame us for the fact they can't get laid?

I can think of a couple of people like this: one male, one female. Neither of them has had a relationship for at least 25 years. Both highly intelligent, attractive and solvent. They both know they are not cut out for long term relationships and they are much happier single. All power to them. I think a lot of people would live more happily like this if they had the balls.

My dad's like this. He was married to my mum but they were married and divorced within 3 years. She's a nightmare but so is he. He said it put him off ever getting re-married.

He hasn't had a partner in atleast 21 years.

I would also say being too selfish to care too much about anyone else is a part of why he can't bother with relationships. He has said that he couldn't take someone else's feelings into account and live like that.

I think the rest of what you’ve said isn’t that common, although plenty of guys do just go after one thing and like to waste girls’ time. The no relationship ever thing will be more common than you’d think. I didn’t have a relationship til I was 24. I had plenty of guys messaging me, some even going on dates, inviting me places with their friends, phoning me in the middle of the night wanting to come round etc 🙄 but for it to actually get to the ‘will you be my girlfriend situation?’ it takes an awful lot nowadays I think! I was living with my fiancé before he even asked me. He said he didn’t realise he had to ask but it had just kind of casually came about. Maybe I’m not that forward or pushy so that doesn’t help but I did want a relationship and was actively seeking one but it just didn’t happen for all those years. With the social media era and tinder etc there’s just too much going on for men sometimes to be able to decide to focus on one person for any length of time

With the social media era and tinder etc there’s just too much going on for men sometimes to be able to decide to focus on one person for any length of time

Why would that just be men though?

@Moonface123

Everyone is entitled to live their lives doing what feels right for them. l think eventually single people will out number the married couples and partners, and theres nothing wrong in that.

I hope this happens! It would make world more stable place to live in.

I have two close friends aged 27 and 3, both male, who pretty much haven't had a long-term partner their entire adult lives. I don't mean that they have numerous short term relationships or flings either; as far as I know they just have no romantic lives whatsoever. One of them seems content this way but the other I know would love a partner and a family and I feel so bad for him because he's such a sweet, lovely guy, but a combination of lacking confidence and a long list of caring commitments means he's rarely in a situation where he can meet people.

Er, that should be 27 and 31, not 3!!

I know lots of unattached people who seem perfectly happy to me. I also know several people who seem to have an inability to be single, going from one relationship/marriage to another.
We are all different.

I think there are a very large number of people of both sexes who historically would have been more or less forced into marriage by society who for one of a number of reasons weren't really cut out for it.

I know so many people who have wasted large chunks of their lives in relationships that clearly made them desperately unhappy just because its what you're expected to do. With often devastating consequences from the children produced in that marriage.

I think its a great thing that the stigma about being single is falling away.

If you remove societal expectations that being single is a failure, he's living the dream for many many people.

I have a lovely friend who is 38 and has never had a relationship. She is pretty, really funny, smart and kind, and she would love to be with someone, but it's just never happened for her. She lacks confidence and won't put herself through online dating, and doesn't have much chance to meet people as she WFH.

My aunt is divorced and has been for 30 years. She took early retirement and spends her days with friends, or travelling, or having adventures, with no-one to answer to, let alone her awful ex-husband.

@arethereanyleftatall

If you remove societal expectations that being single is a failure, he's living the dream for many many people.

Absolutely. And there's increasing evidence that for women in particular, beyond the age of child-rearing, life is far better when you're single. Late life marriage and relationships seem to bring the worst in men and lots of women won't put up with it these days.

This is an interesting perspective but I think the reality is that most people feel compelled to find a partner at least some of the time.

How much of that is due to societal pressure/expectations though? I have really struggled to unpick what I actually want/makes me happy from the overwhelming societal narrative that being in a relationship is the ultimate end goal/only real way to happy and complete.

I don't like the assumption that somehow there is something wrong and not 'normal' about this man for choosing not to have a romantic partner.

Some people simply don't like domesticity and the complications of relationships.

As long as he does not mislead the people he has sex with, it is his life and his choice.

I know people who are single by choice. Some have never met the right person, some got divorced and never want to go through the same heartache again, others are simply happy single.

I am an introvert and I can only socialise in small doses or I quickly become exhausted. I do date and have romantic connections but I have no intention to ever get married or live with someone.

Maybe to the outside world it looks like I don't have relationships but the reality is that I have dated many men, I do have a sex and a romantic life, it simply does not fit the narrow definition of what society seems to think love should be.

@Itsnotover

Other men who know this guy refer to him as 'weird' . I am not sure whether he has attachment problems. Or maybe he's autistic and finds interaction a bit painful.

Why is it any of your business?

I think a lot of people are so unimaginative they can’t understand any lifestyle that is different to theirs.

He has a different to you - big deal. Leave the poor man alone.

@ElectraBlue

Totally. Its so depressing the way society sets expectations not only around how everyone should be in a relationship but about the way a relationship has to look to the outside world. How many dates you need to go on, how long until you cohabit, how you appear in public together to fit the "accepted" societal template for a relationship.

If you unpick this most of this is really about status, not about genuine love or affection. It's a kind of modern replacement of the "marriage" template: "marriage lite" almost. You're expected to have hit certain milestones over a set timeframe and if you don't, for whatever reason, not only is your relationship called into question but your own value is questioned.

I have had many relationships, some of which have fit the "template" and many of which haven't but they weren't any less "real" because we weren't sharing a two-up, two down together and exchanging roses on valentine's day. I've had deeply romantic relationships which were almost sexless, I've had long-running sexual encounters with no affection involved, and everything in between. None of them were "wrong", they just weren't exactly what society pigeonholes.

I think a large number of people choose not to be in these cookie cutter relationships in part because they find the burden of ticking all the right boxes too onerous and just would rather do what they do.

Yes I was going to say maybe he’s aromantic. In other words, he doesn’t feel any inclination towards a relationship.
That’s fine as long as he’s honest!

@buzzandwoodyallday

I have a 35 year old male cousin who has only ever had 1 girlfriend for around 2 years and otherwise has never dated etc. Personally, I think it may be because he is actually gay but because there are no other homosexuals in our extended family, and his narcissistic mother, he's either too afraid to admit it to others, or living in denial about it.

It's very sad.

Or maybe he loves being single, and has no desire to settle? If you can afford to live alone, don't want kids, have hobbies and friends, plus it's so easy to get sex now thanks to online dating, - then what's the point in finding someone to argue with about whose turn it is to do the dishes?

I’ve come to a place in my life where I am very content and happy with being single. I like being single and don’t want to give it up. I’m open minded that this might change in the future if I meet someone that I want to give up being single for but I am also open minded that I may always want to remain single. I’m a middle aged woman so that could be a contributing factor.

On the other hand, I have known both men and women younger than me who seem to have always preferred single life. I don’t think that there is anything weird or abnormal about that.

Movies, tv shows, books, songs seem to portray this idea of having to find the one who completes you and is your soul mate. Maybe as a society we are influenced by this repeated idea that we are somehow incomplete without a partner.

I have never felt incomplete without a partner. But I have felt pressure when some people (especially in my younger years) have expressed concern at my single status or tried to set me up with this ‘man who is so perfect for you.’

I haven’t been single my whole life, but I have never jumped straight from one relationship to another out of a desire to be in a relationship and find Mr. Right. And all those stretches between relationships where I have been single I have experienced a kind of freedom that seems to bring out the best in me.

From tales on here, online dating is full of men who pretend they want a relationship in order to get sex.

It's such an interesting question, i'm mid 30s with one DS (Dad never really involved much) and I guess you would consider me to be long-term single. Currently have an exclusive FWB which makes me happy. I have never managed to find a someone i click with to the point i'd want to blend lives with them. I either seem to attract men who want to smother/take over my life or end up chasing after those who i know ultimately don't really want to settle down. I'm the only one in my family not to have 'settled' down with the wonderful wedding and 2.4 children. I would say my late 20's were pretty tough given that everyone was seemingly having children and getting married and i seemed to just be 'stuck.' But having come through that and now having the independent life that i do (DS is 12 so fairly self-sufficient) i'm not sure how willing i'd be to give it up. Perhaps i'm a little selfish or just haven't found the right person who i'd be happy to make 'room for' Also having seen so many friends lately struggle with their partners, get divorced, cheated on or go cheat themselves i've sort of seen a different side of how relationships are. Pro's and Con's to each scenario and lifestyle i think.