People who never have relationships - how unusual?

[Anon778833]

I know a man who has gone through his entire adult life never having a relationship. It isn't that he tries to go on dates with people and it doesn't work out. He never even tries to ever go on a date. He will only have sex with someone but he wants no other connection in any way. Not surprisingly, women don't like this(!). He seems to find normal social interactions almost painful.

He has a younger brother who couldn't be more different.

I've been wondering how common this sort of thing is? Do you know anyone like this?

@Itsnotover

Other men who know this guy refer to him as 'weird' . I am not sure whether he has attachment problems. Or maybe he's autistic and finds interaction a bit painful.

I wonder how many of the men referring to him as ‘weird’ are actually a bit envious of his freedom.

This is an interesting perspective but I think the reality is that most people feel compelled to find a partner at least some of the time.

Most is not all. And I wonder how much of this so-called compulsion is down to it being seen as ‘what everyone does’ and ‘the right thing to do’. I am long-term single by choice and find that other people are much more bothered by this than I am.

I either seem to attract men who want to smother/take over my life or end up chasing after those who i know ultimately don't really want to settle down.

This describes me to a tee.

Almost all of the men I have been romantically involved with have fallen into one or the other of those camps.

I've finally found someone who is both committed and not massively controlling but it took me nearly 50 years.

I know three people who have never had any relationship at all. One, in his 50s now, has autism and really struggles with people generally so I guess opportunity never presented itself, the other two, I don’t know really. They are both absolutely lovely men but both struggle with their self confidence, so I suppose never have the nerve to put themselves out there? One, in his thirties, I know would love a relationship, but I may be assuming too much of the other chap, in his forties, he’s never said either way.

I wonder how much of this so-called compulsion is down to it being seen as ‘what everyone does’ and ‘the right thing to do’. I am long-term single by choice and find that other people are much more bothered by this than I am.

It's bizarre isn't it, the way people feel the need to prod and stick their noses in when they can't immediately put you into a relationship box. It's almost as if people feel threatened by other people living lives which don't conform to this template.

@thepeopleversuswork

I wonder how much of this so-called compulsion is down to it being seen as ‘what everyone does’ and ‘the right thing to do’. I am long-term single by choice and find that other people are much more bothered by this than I am.

It's bizarre isn't it, the way people feel the need to prod and stick their noses in when they can't immediately put you into a relationship box. It's almost as if people feel threatened by other people living lives which don't conform to this template.

What others are actually doing is projecting their fears and insecurities.

Those who poke at singles are normally saying “I’m not equipped to cope on my own”.

DS is early 30s and has Aspergers. He functions just fine. Holds down a job, has friends etc. But he’s not fussed about meeting a partner. He has a lot of interests outside work and he feels that dating someone would take time away from the things he enjoys doing. I also suspect he’s asexual as he has no interest in hook ups either. He’s just genuinely not bothered and I see no reason at all why he should have to confirm to societies expectations. As long as he is happy, and he says he is, then it’s up to him.

I do think it’s very wrong though when men state, or strongly imply, they want a relationship in order to just get sex. It’s so deceitful and really unfair on the other person.

Absolutely. And there's increasing evidence that for women in particular, beyond the age of child-rearing, life is far better when you're single. Late life marriage and relationships seem to bring the worst in men and lots of women won't put up with it these days.

Hope you don’t mind me picking your comment @thepeopleversuswork.
I’ve just seen the, hopefully, highlight comment about women not putting up bad relationships.
And just wanted to ask from anyone is this true in your world, because pretty much all women I know want a relationship and so many put up with any and every crap just to have a man.
So hopefully I just know the wrong people.
Can’t say I know strong single women.

Well at least they aren’t living a lie I know with people who are married with children who haven’t done the deed since the last child was conceived and they never intend to again but the perfectly happy to trap the other person in this marriage.

@oopsyoudiditagain

Yes, it's true for me. I'd rather be single, and am. It's like a load lifted off my shoulders when I (took far too long to) finally divorced.

Mind, I do think it's easier to be happy single once you've already been in a long term relationship. Been there, done that, unlikely to again type. Whereas if you've never been in one, you'll always probably imagine it's better than it is.

My choices would be...

1. Wonderful relationship.
2. Single.
3. There is no 3. One of the above two only.

@oopsyoudiditagain

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? Because I think its largely a factor of age. I'm pushing 50 now and I feel very different about this to 20 years ago.

When I was in my late 20s/early 30s the vast majority of my friends were falling over themselves to couple up partly to have kids and partly because that's what they believed you had to do to be "normal". Fast forward nearly 20 years and most of us have raised kids and many of us have had divorces and emerged from bad or mediocre long term relationships. We all are to a greater or lesser degree financially independent so we don't have to stay with someone to keep a roof over our heads.

Once you've had kids and raised them and if you are financially independent the impetus to remain in a relationship diminishes significantly as there's just no need really. Unless the person you're with massively enhances your life there's no real benefit to it other than financial. And frankly an awful lot of men don't really bring much to the table aside from money and (sometimes) sex and just complicate things with their demands and stipulations.

I think after 20 years of putting themselves last older women realise that they tend to come off worse in cohabiting relationships and many of them grow a set of balls and leave.

Some people don't want to settle. Far less people should.

*Fewer people should

I've never had a relationship (in the sense that I've had someone who I would term a partner or boyfriend). I've never met anyone I wanted to be in a relationship with. Friends, family relationships etc. all completely normal, I just like doing my own thing!

to add to above, am early thirties

I think plenty of men would be happy with no strings attached sex and nothing else.

I would say not that unusual.

Good luck to them.

There are so many people in awful relationships, or even just middling bad or boring ones. Society has a very set idea of what adult life should look like but being coupled up is just one path.

I wonder how many of the men referring to him as ‘weird’ are actually a bit envious of his freedom.

I think it's kind of sad you think being in a relationship would be restricting...

I know a few people like this! A couple that are perfectly happy, very full active lives, just never met the right person I assume.

One who is very anxious and doesn't work, so rarely leaves the house. She is quite nasty about other people's relationships - sarky comments on social media etc - so I assume she's not especially happy. It's sad, but she won't take any steps to change the situation so I imagine she won't meet anyone.

@housemaus

I wonder how many of the men referring to him as ‘weird’ are actually a bit envious of his freedom.

I think it's kind of sad you think being in a relationship would be restricting...

Well if it's a normal monogamous relationship by it's very nature it's going to be restrictive, in that you're only 'allowed' be with your one person. Of course lots of people thrive in that setting, but others are going to be a bit envious of those that are single who have the freedom to be with other people or the freedom to just be alone.

This seems to apply to pretty much all of the men in their 40s I've come across OLD, they lie saying they want a relationship but just want sex. I recently went back on again and it's the same old faces there so presumably this is long term for most of them.

@housemaus

I wonder how many of the men referring to him as ‘weird’ are actually a bit envious of his freedom.

I think it's kind of sad you think being in a relationship would be restricting...

I think it’s kind of sad you can’t see that for many a relationship may indeed be restricting.

A relationship is the biggest investment in time most of us make. Many simply decide the benefit isn’t worth the input, so just swerve it.

@thepeopleversuswork I very much relate to everything that you just wrote. Makes me glad that I am a woman actually. Especially in a time where we have the freedom to be unmarried and earn our own income and not have to rely on a man

@thepeopleversuswork

I’m 35.
And the only one not interested in relationships/marriage or kids.

I have had relationships and been married but I realised 8 years ago that it wasn't for me. I've been single ever since. I've had sex but I don't want a committed relationship. I don't see anything wrong with that. I don't want someone else in my life whose feelings I have to consider.