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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People who never have relationships - how unusual?

127 replies

Anon778833 · 20/12/2021 18:02

I know a man who has gone through his entire adult life never having a relationship. It isn't that he tries to go on dates with people and it doesn't work out. He never even tries to ever go on a date. He will only have sex with someone but he wants no other connection in any way. Not surprisingly, women don't like this(!). He seems to find normal social interactions almost painful.

He has a younger brother who couldn't be more different.

I've been wondering how common this sort of thing is? Do you know anyone like this?

OP posts:
TakeMe2Insanity · 21/12/2021 16:41

I know a man like this, our parents were friends. His parents died one after the other in his early 20s and I think he just had so much to deal with relationships got put off and by the time he was ready he wasn’t able as too old to start out.

Similarly female friend known since childhood, liked people interested etc but had such a high standard of perfection that she wasn’t willing to compromise on anything as she got older the list of perfection has got longer and more rigid and as such has never had a romantic relationship .

Marmelace · 21/12/2021 16:41

I finally come to the conclusion at the age of 45 that I hated being in relationships, that I like my own way too much, like my own space too much and I'm way to selfish to meet anyone half way over anything. I'm much happier being single. As for sex, I loved it, but all of a sudden oomph the urge totally disappeared, can't say I miss it. 51 now, and feel like I'd have been better as a single woman all along.

thepeopleversuswork · 21/12/2021 16:45

@rosesarereddish

I'm sorry and I'm sorry for your friend: I didn't mean to have a go at you in particular.

But I just think that mindset that dictates that a person is not whole unless they are in a relationship is SO damaging and it makes me so angry.

I was on the receiving end of so much pity on this topic years ago when I was single (before I got married). People would ask me if there was something wrong with me and there was nothing wrong with me, I was happy and fulfilled and loving my life. But after about four years of this I felt so bullied by people I ended up settling for someone who proved to be very very wrong for me. An awful lot of that was down to this sort of pressure.

You're not the cause of this and your friend is an unfortunate victim of it but I just really wish people would take a step back and think about the way this relentless pressure makes people feel and the impact it has on people which leads to damage to their self-esteem and ultimately to them often making poor choices.

hopeishere · 21/12/2021 17:06

My BiL has had a relationship for 20 years. He's in his 50s. He did date but could never move them on to serious relationships. He has a lot of issues though but can't see that. He still would like to meet someone.

DorsVenabili · 21/12/2021 22:39

I have a school friend who at 50 has never had a long term relationship as far as I know- or really a relationship of any kind (i've never known her have a boyfriend or girlfriend )- I don't know if she has ever had a date or even had sex - she does sort of say she is interested but never actively seems to mind. I think to a degree it gets harder and harder as time goes by- she is very set in her ways , has lived alone for 25 years and can't imagine living with someone

Allycott · 21/12/2021 22:50

Why is this your concern? Maybe he has had a shit relationship that you don't know about. People who choose not to be with someone are NOT subject matter for dissection.

Allycott · 21/12/2021 22:53

OP - sounds to me like you have been rejected and you are looking to blame the other person

Allycott · 21/12/2021 23:07

[quote thepeopleversuswork]@oopsyoudiditagain

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you? Because I think its largely a factor of age. I'm pushing 50 now and I feel very different about this to 20 years ago.

When I was in my late 20s/early 30s the vast majority of my friends were falling over themselves to couple up partly to have kids and partly because that's what they believed you had to do to be "normal". Fast forward nearly 20 years and most of us have raised kids and many of us have had divorces and emerged from bad or mediocre long term relationships. We all are to a greater or lesser degree financially independent so we don't have to stay with someone to keep a roof over our heads.

Once you've had kids and raised them and if you are financially independent the impetus to remain in a relationship diminishes significantly as there's just no need really. Unless the person you're with massively enhances your life there's no real benefit to it other than financial. And frankly an awful lot of men don't really bring much to the table aside from money and (sometimes) sex and just complicate things with their demands and stipulations.

I think after 20 years of putting themselves last older women realise that they tend to come off worse in cohabiting relationships and many of them grow a set of balls and leave.[/quote]
Yes!

TwinkleTwinkle456 · 22/12/2021 00:26

I’m quite curious to know how he’s managing to have lots of sex with going on dates?!

Itsnotover · 22/12/2021 04:28

@TwinkleTwinkle456

I’m quite curious to know how he’s managing to have lots of sex with going on dates?!
As far as I’m aware, he doesn’t. He wants to but with most women you’re going to get nowhere without taking them on a date.
Itsnotover · 22/12/2021 04:29

@Allycott

OP - sounds to me like you have been rejected and you are looking to blame the other person

🤣 people on Mumsnet always have to be insulting. Does it make you feel better about yourself.

I have no interest in him whatsoever. He's a family friend.

Itsnotover · 22/12/2021 04:31

@Allycott

Why is this your concern? Maybe he has had a shit relationship that you don't know about. People who choose not to be with someone are NOT subject matter for dissection.

Stop telling me what I can create discussions about. This is an anonymous Internet forum.

Itsnotover · 22/12/2021 04:32

And also, the reason I posted about it is because it occurred to me that he's not a happy person at all. He seems downright miserable.

mellyt95 · 22/12/2021 04:34

My brother is 40'something and never had a relationship he is a very odd person though.

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/12/2021 05:43

I haven’t seen a friend for years. But last I saw her, she didn’t have a bf and never had had anyone serious but wanted someone. For reference, was about 40 at the time. She wanted to have someone though. I do wonder if she was too fussy but never wanted to push things too far.

As for incels, my understanding isn’t that a lot of men can’t find anyone, it’s that they expect to have sex with or perhaps date super successful / supermodel women way out of their leagues. When they’re knocked back, they blame the women rather than their self esteem. Typically these men have feelings of adequacy, and / or are not successful, jobless, living at parents home etc.

alongwayhome · 22/12/2021 07:29

I know someone, he's 50 now. Never had a relationship that I know of, and I'm sure he could if he tried. Don't think he's gay, he's had a few one night stands with women that I know about. He seems happy on his own living with his dog!

Last time we spoke about it, he said he feels like he's too set in his ways now to share his life with anyone.

OuchWhatWasThat · 22/12/2021 07:50

Do people still think that there is something wrong with single people?
That very old fashioned view.

Do these people not look around?
There is plenty of wrong with plenty of people who are in relationships!

It’s really not that black & white.

georgarina · 22/12/2021 07:59

I grew up in an abusive home and wasn't allowed to have friendships/relationships, plus had to live with my mum getting into abusive relationships which made relationships seem scary and like something to run away from. Then moved in with my dad who was permanently single and workaholic and didn't have any relationships, just went to work and came home and wanted absolute silence. Then was attacked the first month I moved away from home and developed PTSD which caused severe social anxiety. So I've never had a relationship and don't think I ever will, and it's sad but I can't honestly see it happening.

EnigmaCat · 22/12/2021 16:06

@Itsnotover

And also, the reason I posted about it is because it occurred to me that he's not a happy person at all. He seems downright miserable.
Perhaps he is miserable and that is one of the barriers to relationships. Depression is not a good place to start relationships, that's my excuse anyway.
Allycott · 22/12/2021 21:23

OP - ooh touchy :). Ha ha hit a nerve methinks

Allycott · 22/12/2021 22:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Itsnotover · 22/12/2021 23:21

@Allycott

Message deleted by MNHQ

Who made you the judge of who can post threads on here about random topics? If you don't like the subject matter don't click on it.

Itsnotover · 22/12/2021 23:23

@OuchWhatWasThat

Do people still think that there is something wrong with single people? That very old fashioned view.

Do these people not look around?
There is plenty of wrong with plenty of people who are in relationships!

It’s really not that black & white.

There is nothing wrong with single people at all. But people who never even have one relationship even when they were 18?

Missey85 · 23/12/2021 02:32

I've been single 20years no dates or sex and I'm happier than I ever was being stuck with someone I don't particularly like just to stop people gossiping its not your business

Jessie75 · 23/12/2021 09:41

They absolutely will of had a relationship with somebody what you mean is they haven’t had a heterosexual or even a homosexual monogamous relationship that society approves of.
People have relationships with their bosses relationships with their lady they buy a favourite sandwich from every day people that they live next door to there’s all sorts of relationships

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