People who never have relationships - how unusual?

[Anon778833]

I know a man who has gone through his entire adult life never having a relationship. It isn't that he tries to go on dates with people and it doesn't work out. He never even tries to ever go on a date. He will only have sex with someone but he wants no other connection in any way. Not surprisingly, women don't like this(!). He seems to find normal social interactions almost painful.

He has a younger brother who couldn't be more different.

I've been wondering how common this sort of thing is? Do you know anyone like this?

I wouldn't ever lead a man on though and tell him I wanted a relationship when I don't. Unsurprisingly, most men are quite happy when I tell them I don't want commitment!

Well it IS restricting - that’s just a fact. You always have to consult someone else on major decisions; you can’t just stay out spontaneously without having to call someone else to ask/tell them; you couldn’t just decide to move away if you felt like a fresh start. All of that is restricting.

However, a lot of people would see these as positives. Rather than feeling forced to consult someone else, they like having another person’s input; they see it as sharing a decision. They would rather go home to someone rather than having the freedom to stay out. That’s perfectly fine. Relationships work for a lot of people. But it’s pretty judgemental to say it’s ‘kind of sad’ that many of us don’t want that.

@housemaus

I know a few people like this! A couple that are perfectly happy, very full active lives, just never met the right person I assume.

One who is very anxious and doesn't work, so rarely leaves the house. She is quite nasty about other people's relationships - sarky comments on social media etc - so I assume she's not especially happy. It's sad, but she won't take any steps to change the situation so I imagine she won't meet anyone.

Or maybe she’s sick of being the single friend who ends up as the sounding board when someone is having a shit time in their relationship - but still gets pitying looks and ‘Awwh, you’ll find someone’ comments from the very same friends.

@housemaus

I wonder how many of the men referring to him as ‘weird’ are actually a bit envious of his freedom.

I think it's kind of sad you think being in a relationship would be restricting...

Many are though…. Doesn’t mean relationships in and of itself has to be, but many end up being just that.

Such an interesting thread.
My mum’s friend when I was growing up was always single. Never married. She was a successful business woman.
I have a friend/know a couple of others who have maybe only had one relationship and we’re all 50-odd.
My late teen kids have never been out with anyone seriously yet. Many of their friends have.

@oopsyoudiditagain

I strongly suspect that a lot of your friends are only interested in marriage/kids because they are scared of not going along with what everyone else is doing. And of your friends who are coupled up or coupling now I would put money on half of those relationships having broken up within 15 years.

The whole committed relationship thing is massively oversold. It suits some people more than others and it makes sense when you share children so some people will make it work and good luck to them. But an awful lot of people shoehorn themselves into something that doesn't fit because its what everyone else. The pressure to do it causes a vast amount of needless unhappiness.

You're the one with clarity of mind. Hold onto that.

@housemaus

I think it's kind of sad you think being in a relationship would be restricting...

Of course being in a relationship is restricting.

That's exactly what a relationship is; you can't just do whatever you want, whenever you want with whoever you want, when you're in a relationship.

It wouldn't be a relationship if you didn't give any consideration to the other half of the relationship in making decisions - ergo, it's 'restricting'.

I think it's kind of sad you think being in a relationship would be restricting...

It's massively restricting. It's restricting by definition: if you don't have to consider another person you have far more freedom. To take the most glaringly obvious example, there is usually a taboo on having sex with anyone other than the person you're in the relationship with.

The question is whether you consider that restriction to be worth the upside of being in the relationship. In many cases people obviously do, particularly if there's a financial dimension to the relationship, which is why a majority of people get married.

But society tells us that its always a worthwhile tradeoff. In a lot of cases it just isn't. We ought to get better at listening to those people who don't want to make that tradeoff. There isn't always something wrong with them. In many cases they can see clearly what others can't.

There is surely a difference though between someone who has never had a relationship because they don’t want one, and someone who doesn’t want a relationship but tells the women he meets that he does so they’ll sleep with him before he ditches them. OLD is full of that kind of lowlife.

I knew someone who was like that, she used men for sex while telling them how wonderful they were/how she’d never met anyone like them you get the gist, and then once they slept together she binned them off. What goes around comes around though and she ended up actually falling for someone, quit her job and moved to a different country so they could be together, and the day she arrived she discovered he was essentially sleeping with all and sundry. The phrase “be careful what you wish for” springs to mind.

My cousin has only ever had one relationship and he’s 43 now. As far as I can tell he’s just not interested. Everyone says how sad it is for him but he seems perfectly happy…

I’m 42 and long term single by choice. My last proper relationship ended when I was 24. I’ve had many gentleman friends in the intervening time but I will not enter into another committed relationship. It’s not because of a bad experience or anything like that, it’s simply that I love my life and there’s nothing a relationship could add to it. I don’t feel incomplete, I don’t feel lonely and being single doesn’t hold me back from doing what I want to do. I holiday alone, go out for dinner alone etc. Sometimes I holiday with friends too, but I have no issue doing it alone. I’m entirely self-sufficient, I don’t depend on anyone and nobody depends on me. I’m very happy in my own company and solitude and I have no intention of changing my lifestyle.

Agree with relationships being restricting and it is not necessarily a negative thing. As a parent I have many restrictions but I don’t mind at all. My dd is totally worth it.

Other examples are friendships. Going out with friends, travelling or going on a holiday with friends is different from going out by yourself or travelling or holidays by yourself because with a friend or group of friends you’ll be taking into consideration what they want too. When going out or travelling by yourself you can be so much more spontaneous. I’ve enjoyed both experiences. Having fun with friends, trying different things that you might never have thought of, sharing experiences is great. Having freedom to be completely spontaneous or doing things completely at your own pace and on your own terms is also great.

Another great thing about going out or travelling or going on a holiday by myself is that I meet people I’ve never met before who I have a conversation with or share an experience with and I might not have paid any attention to them if I’d been in a group of friends. So many of those fleeting positive interactions have stayed with me and might not ever have happened if I wasn’t confident enough to go out or travel by myself.

Someone once said to me, after a solo holiday I went on, that I was brave to travel on my own. I was very puzzled by that statement at the time. I responded that the trip was awesome why would I need to be brave? They seemed puzzled that I didn’t get what they were saying.

Some people really find it difficult to be alone especially with going out to an activity they consider to be a social activity. Some people pity the person at the cinema by themselves almost as if they had no choice or no friends. There’s really no way of knowing that. I’ve loved the very few times I’ve had an opportunity to go to the cinema by myself.

Someone once said to me, after a solo holiday I went on, that I was brave to travel on my own. I was very puzzled by that statement at the time. I responded that the trip was awesome why would I need to be brave? They seemed puzzled that I didn’t get what they were saying.

I've travelled solo quite a lot and also had this said to me. I also find it baffling. If anything I think you need to be far braver travelling with other people and dealing with their demands and neuroses 24/7 than you would going and pleasing yourself and working to your own timetable.

I think there's a lot to be said for families and communities and its important to be connected to people but living with people whether a spouse or friends can be unbelievably limiting and stifling. I really find it bizarre that wanting not to live like this is regarded as a sign of weakness or unhappiness.

One of my loveliest friends is 37 and has wanted nothing more than marriage and babies for 15 years now, and it just hasn't happened for her. It's heartbreaking. I will need to tell her I'm pregnant again soon and I know she'll be nothing but happy for me but I still feel so guilty. The thing is she's genuinely love, funny and pretty - I don't know what it just hasn't happened for her yet.

The thing is she's genuinely love, funny and pretty - I don't know what it just hasn't happened for her yet.

Have you not read any of this thread?

This narrative is so profoundly unhelpful. As if being "love [sic], funny and pretty" should be membership of the gold relationship club. I'm sure you mean well but can't you see that views and comments like this make things 100 times worse for people like your friend...

I can't comment for your friend as I don't know her but maybe you're projecting a lot of this onto her. Maybe she deep down actually doesn't want this. Shock horror. Maybe she's sick of people pitying her and saying its "heartbreaking" that she's single. Maybe she prefers being single but feels so much pressure from people like you that she doesn't dare express this. Just a thought. Maybe the well-meaning but patronising views of people like you actually make her feel far worse?

There are plenty of people who have multiple attractions and talents who for whatever reason don't get funneled into the marriage and baby vortex. That may be because it doesn't happen for them. It may be because they actually don't want it. There may be all sorts of reasons you're not party to which may explain this.

If they really don't want it then society makes it infinitely harder for them to express that.

Let's cut them a bit of slack and stop publicly pitying them.

@thepeopleversuswork I agree, you do need to be far braver travelling with other people and dealing with their demands 24/7. And irresponsible behaviour too. I went on a weekend away with some work friends. We had a great time but one member of our group got so drunk on red wine she spilt it everywhere, knocked things over and made a huge mess in the bathroom when she had a shower. We were staying in a cottage in a beautiful area, we had also paid a deposit to insure against damages so we risked losing that. Everyone pitched in trying to clean up and remove red wine stains except for her because she was way to drunk to help and too hung over the next morning.

A lot of people on here replying that they or someone they know has been single for years having had a relationship which isn’t really what the OP asked. I know it’s pedantic but that’s really quite different to having never had a relationship and questioning whether even have the capacity to.

My niece is 31, has an excellent job and seems to function very well in society. But has literally never been kissed. By a man or woman. We wonder if she's gay and her Christian upbringing is a problem. But her parents are genuinely lovely so I'm not sure that theory holds water.
Also I have a friend whose 58 year old brother has never had a relationship.
It's not that uncommon I think

@housemaus

I wonder how many of the men referring to him as ‘weird’ are actually a bit envious of his freedom.

I think it's kind of sad you think being in a relationship would be restricting...

I think it's kind of amazing you think being in a relationship wouldn't be restricting. Unless someone wanted to do the same things, same sex drive, same interests, friends etc., quite a lot of negotiation and compromises are required.

@thepeopleversuswork

The thing is she's genuinely love, funny and pretty - I don't know what it just hasn't happened for her yet.

Have you not read any of this thread?

This narrative is so profoundly unhelpful. As if being "love [sic], funny and pretty" should be membership of the gold relationship club. I'm sure you mean well but can't you see that views and comments like this make things 100 times worse for people like your friend...

I can't comment for your friend as I don't know her but maybe you're projecting a lot of this onto her. Maybe she deep down actually doesn't want this. Shock horror. Maybe she's sick of people pitying her and saying its "heartbreaking" that she's single. Maybe she prefers being single but feels so much pressure from people like you that she doesn't dare express this. Just a thought. Maybe the well-meaning but patronising views of people like you actually make her feel far worse?

There are plenty of people who have multiple attractions and talents who for whatever reason don't get funneled into the marriage and baby vortex. That may be because it doesn't happen for them. It may be because they actually don't want it. There may be all sorts of reasons you're not party to which may explain this.

If they really don't want it then society makes it infinitely harder for them to express that.

Let's cut them a bit of slack and stop publicly pitying them.

She's cried to me more times than I can remember about how she's running out of time to have kids and said how hard done by she feels. I haven't projected anything on to her whatsoever. She openly admits that she doesn't want this, she told me herself she's dreading another Christmas alone and that she doesn't understand what's wrong with her. My previous post is saying just that, that nothing is wrong with her whatsoever. It just hasn't happened for her.

I have a sister who doesn't want to get married, doesn't want kids and owns it and is thriving. I have no sympathy for her. I'm happy to see her smashing her career and happy in life. But I am allowed to feel sorry for my friend who doesn't feel that way.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing

Yes I was going to say maybe he’s aromantic. In other words, he doesn’t feel any inclination towards a relationship. That’s fine as long as he’s honest!

I agree. But he's not honest. So that's the problem.

@ManicPixie the difference between choosing to be single without having been in a romantic, committed relationship and those who have discovered that they prefer being single after having been in a romantic, committed relationship could be considered negligible.

The former have most likely had other forms of relationships eg family, friends, co workers etc. Perhaps that is enough for them. They might have intimacy or they might just have a preference for being single. No different from people who have had former romantic/committed relationships. They too could have intimacy issues or just have a preference for being single.

We are simply highlighting that choosing to be single is not necessarily because you have issues. It can be a lifestyle choice. It isn’t odd or unusual or even that uncommon.

I think I’ve always liked and enjoyed being single like many posters here and having experienced romantic/committed relationships makes very little difference except that I have something to compare it to.

None of us know this man that the Op is talking about and therefore cannot actually know what his reasons are for having no interest in dating. We can share our own experiences of having no interest in dating and perhaps it will create a better understanding of why some people choose to not date or choose to remain single. We can see common themes.

I'm in my thirties and have never had a relationship, excepting online-only ones when I was younger. I'm autistic and introverted and don't know how to form those kinds of connections out in the world. I've also never really been interested in sex. I was raised with very conservative religious views about relationships and sometimes I wonder if, had that not been the case, I might have been a lesbian. I've had a couple of very intense friendships with likeminded women that lasted a few years. There's no way to know, really.

I fill my life with other things and I'm mostly happy. The one downside, for me, is that it means I'll never have children of my own. I do feel sad about that - I'm really good with other people's kids and have worked in childcare and primary education. But I guess nobody gets everything they want in life!

@rosesarereddish I’m sorry that your friend is hurting and anxious that she won’t find someone in time to have a family.

Would she consider having a family on her own? IVF or sperm donors? Or is she really wanting to only be a parent with a partner?

[quote ImustLearn2Cook]@rosesarereddish I’m sorry that your friend is hurting and anxious that she won’t find someone in time to have a family.

Would she consider having a family on her own? IVF or sperm donors? Or is she really wanting to only be a parent with a partner?[/quote]
She's had a couple of consults but never goes ahead with it, always saying she wants to give it one more chance to happen naturally. It must be a hard decision to make as you never know what's round the corner