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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

601 replies

hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 07:38

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
Outlyingtrout · 11/12/2021 11:11

but I wonder if it's sulking because he won't be getting a BJ, or upset because you've made him feel bad for wanting some intimacy.

I don't think it's intimacy he's after when he repeatedly asks "in a jokey way". He knows after the first "no" that OP doesn't want to do it. Every time he asks after that, what he's really asking is for her to do something he knows she doesn't want to do. That's not intimacy.

BobMortimersPetOwl · 11/12/2021 11:12

There's nothing wrong with asking once and accepting the answer. There's also nothing wrong with not wanting to.

I find it really weird to nag and sulk over it. Why would you want oral from someone who clearly doesn't want to do it??

hotmeatymilk · 11/12/2021 11:14

It's a non issue.
To you. It’s clearly an issue to OP. Why dismiss that?

hygtt · 11/12/2021 11:15

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule where?

nitsandwormsdodger · 11/12/2021 11:22

Why is it teenage to ask or get a blow job ?
Why don’t you do it ? Of course you don’t have to but I see it as standard thing
If it’s trauma get therapy and 10 day period may your hormones are affecting your feelings

Fidgetty · 11/12/2021 11:23

Solidarity with the 10 day periods OP! Mine were always irregular, heavy and lasted about 7 days. Since DD2 they're more regular but last longer. It's annoying but the only alternative is hormonal contraceptives and I'm done with all that crap as the side effects for me are worse than a long period. I do get issues with low iron but that's sorted by taking an iron supplement theee days per week.

YANBU to be annoyed with your sulking husband. I think the issue runs much deeper than a BJ though. You say he was very selfish sexually until a few years ago. That's a big red flag to me. He doesn't sound very nice between that and the sulking. Are you otherwise happy in the relationship? Is he selfish in other ways? Did he pull his weight with the DC when they were babies?

MrsLarry · 11/12/2021 11:24

@TurquoiseBaubles

This thread is an eye-opener. I find it hard to understand how a site with mostly women posters can have a thread with so many messages thinking this is ok.

Words like "conciliatory", "you're his only option", "wouldn't bother me", "he's only asking", "struggle without sex for 10 days", "sad if you don't do BJ's" etc etc - and that's only the first couple of pages.

The op doesn't have to give a reason, she doesn't have to justify anything. He knows she doesn't want to; he should leave her alone.

But she posted and people are giving their opinion. Lots of women think blow jobs are ok, and actually enjoy giving them. Just because you won't, doesn't mean others should share your opinion.
Persephonegoddess · 11/12/2021 11:24

No is no, personally I think any intimate act should be enjoyed by both so if you don't like it and he knows that then no he shouldn't ask.... my husband wouldn't ask me to eat nuts as he knows I hate them....

Fidgetty · 11/12/2021 11:25

Why is it teenage to ask or get a blow job ?
Why don’t you do it ? Of course you don’t have to but I see it as standard thing
If it’s trauma get therapy

Jesus... 🤦🏼‍♀️

hotmeatymilk · 11/12/2021 11:27

The OP hasn't clarified if she told him she doesn't like bjs or being pestered for them.

He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me.

Yeah I mean it's pretty clear I don't want to so he would fully know I wasn't enjoying it. It seems that wouldn't bother him

Yes he has done it before

he seems to have quite an entitled attitude towards sex. All sex was only about him for a really long time until a few years ago when I finally stood up and said no

All of that is clarity enough to me, does the OP really have to come back and spell out “in several years of marriage and our relationship prior to the wedding, yes the topic of BJs and my not liking them has come up”?

melissasummerfield · 11/12/2021 11:27

The low standards that some women accept as normal are absolutely shocking.

What will all these husbands who can’t wait more than a day without some kind of sexual contact do if you become seriously ill or have a terrible pregnancy which means sex is just not possible?

MrsLarry · 11/12/2021 11:27

To all those women professing that a BJ gives you a sore neck and jaw ache. Honey.....you're doing it all wrong. If you're doing it right then you definitely don't get a sore neck and jaw ache 😂

TurquoiseBaubles · 11/12/2021 11:29

MrsLarry, it has nothing to do with what I would do, or with what lots of women enjoy.

In the op she said she didn't want to. She said that he knew she didn't want to. And yet lots of posters are implying she ought to do it. That's coercion in my book Angry

hotmeatymilk · 11/12/2021 11:29

Lots of women think blow jobs are ok, and actually enjoy giving them. Just because you won't, doesn't mean others should share your opinion.
But other women’s enjoyment of blow jobs is as wildly irrelevant as whether they enjoy martinis, or whether they recycle, or if their name is spelled Suzanne rather than Susan. My or your enjoyment of BJs has absolutely zero bearing on the OP’s enjoyment: she’s not going to suddenly have a non-aching jaw and a sudden delight in them because lots of other women enjoy them.

Guidancillary · 11/12/2021 11:29

Split up your obviously not into the guy

Fidgetty · 11/12/2021 11:29

To all those women professing that a BJ gives you a sore neck and jaw ache. Honey.....you're doing it all wrong. If you're doing it right then you definitely don't get a sore neck and jaw ache 😂

Wow you're such a superior cock sucker 🙄

MrsLarry · 11/12/2021 11:31

@Fidgetty

To all those women professing that a BJ gives you a sore neck and jaw ache. Honey.....you're doing it all wrong. If you're doing it right then you definitely don't get a sore neck and jaw ache 😂

Wow you're such a superior cock sucker 🙄

Ooosh....you want some tips? Or are you one of those mumsnetters that refuses to be degraded in such a way?
Ghostsintheshelf · 11/12/2021 11:31

@Fidgetty

*Why is it teenage to ask or get a blow job ? Why don’t you do it ? Of course you don’t have to but I see it as standard thing If it’s trauma get therapy*

Jesus... 🤦🏼‍♀️

Yeah. The Aunt Lydias out in force on this one.
hygtt · 11/12/2021 11:33

Wow you're such a superior cock sucker

😆

Derbee · 11/12/2021 11:33

No problem with asking for/suggesting a BJ. I’d say that perfectly normal.

Asking multiple times, nagging, sulking unacceptable and unattractive

Anomelettefortheroad · 11/12/2021 11:33

Split up your obviously not into the guy

What, because she doesn't want to put his fusty cock in her mouth on demand?

She should leave him because he's a coercive shithead.

Anomelettefortheroad · 11/12/2021 11:35

To all those women professing that a BJ gives you a sore neck and jaw ache. Honey.....you're doing it all wrong. If you're doing it right then you definitely don't get a sore neck and jaw ache

God, you're so cool.

Fidgetty · 11/12/2021 11:39

Ooosh....you want some tips? Or are you one of those mumsnetters that refuses to be degraded in such a way?

No I'm fine thanks. I quite enjoy oral if I'm in the mood, but implying women who don't are inferior in some way and just need to be "educated" is gross and coercive. You sound like a Samatha Jones caricature gone wrong.

hygtt · 11/12/2021 11:40

@hotmeatymilk

He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me.

was said in the OP after she made the comment about feeling like a hooker which I'm sure doesn't make her feel good, hence transactional wording in subsequent posts. So was it in reference to feeling like a hooker or that she has told her DH she doesn't want to give him any bjs now or in the future?

Yeah I mean it's pretty clear I don't want to so he would fully know I wasn't enjoying it. It seems that wouldn't bother him

Seems is pretty key here, does she know for sure, have they discussed?

Yes he has done it before

Did she give in then or reiterate she doesn't like it?

he seems to have quite an entitled attitude towards sex. All sex was only about him for a really long time until a few years ago when I finally stood up and said no

Another seems. So she stood up for herself & he listened and changed with regards to sex but not oral sex?

Like I said I see a lack of communication.

Fairylights25 · 11/12/2021 11:40

There is some serious foulness on this thread, sorry your thread was hijacked op.

Swipe left for the next trending thread