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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

601 replies

hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 07:38

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

OP posts:
Original poster
hereforthechat · 11/12/2021 07:59

@HollowTalk

Why does your period last 10 days? Have you seen a doctor about that?
I don't know. Is that really unusual? I have mentioned to the doctor before and got put on the pill but had bad side affects so I have come off and just live with it now. I guess I just think if I go back to the doctor I will be given another pill and I don't want that
OP posts:
TheAverageUser · 11/12/2021 08:00

Does he know you don't like doing it? If so that's just annoying. It wouldn't bother me but everyone's different.

gojoroyco · 11/12/2021 08:00

@Fairylights25

Ewwww

Stomach churning. You are not alive to 'service' his needs. If my dh had such a thing I would be packing his bag for him. Grim as hell.

You are not a Mcdonalds drive through op

Breaking up a relationship is extreme..!
arethereanyleftatall · 11/12/2021 08:00

Yanbu. I'd hate that too. It's not part of the whole 'enjoying ourselves together' sex. It's transactional. I'd feel really seedy. I can also imagine that in his head he thinks you 'owe him' because you're on your period. I can just see him (I'm afraid) having an affair in future and thinking 'well it's not my fault, we never have sex'.
It's fine that he asked once. It would be fine if you responded 'no, that's never happening, too transactional and seedy'. It's not fine for him then to ask again. Yuck.

CheesyFootballsAreEvil · 11/12/2021 08:00

Tell him the pestering just makes it even less likely to happen.

Ghostsintheshelf · 11/12/2021 08:00

I'd find it really grim to be asked like that. No attempt to get you in the mood, just like he's putting his order in. And I presume he knows you don't like doing it too. I'd really struggle to enjoy a sexual act that I knew my partner wasn't enjoying, but a lot of men don't seem to care about that.
The sulking is pathetic.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 11/12/2021 08:01

Wouldn't bother me, him asking. I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask imo. The sulking after you'd said no is a massive turn off though.

NynaeveSedai · 11/12/2021 08:01

Have you always had long periods? Mine got super long and it was solved by having a mirena coil fitted.

PooWillyNameChange · 11/12/2021 08:04

That is very unattractive but I must admit of struggle to go 10 days without any form of sex. My period is only 5 days though. 10 days sounds horrendous!

hotmeatymilk · 11/12/2021 08:04

Stop trying to solve the OP’s not wildly unusual periods so she can be more available to sexually placate her husband!

If my DH asked for BJs in this way and sulked when he didn’t get them, my periods would last 31 days.

hygtt · 11/12/2021 08:05

Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ.

I don't get this bit as if he didn't ask I presume it wouldn't happen as you don't like them?

TolkiensFallow · 11/12/2021 08:05

I’m with you OP. I feel crappy and unsexy on my period and just don’t want to be touched at all. I’ve never had period sex and never will. You are absolutely not being unreasonable to say no - he is being unreasonable but expecting to to prioritise his needs over your own.

The sulking is vile.

hygtt · 11/12/2021 08:07

but fine for you to say no

Mumoblue · 11/12/2021 08:07

YANBU. Men sulking about their dicks is probably the least sexy thing ever.
Tell him to stop asking and to stop being a whiny baby.

Kajjjer93 · 11/12/2021 08:07

Actually nothing wrong with asking. People are odd thinking it's a seedy request. However it is odd to sulk after you have said no.

hygtt · 11/12/2021 08:09

When he asks is he expecting you to drop everything right then & there or does he mean later at some point?

EmKayEm · 11/12/2021 08:11

What is wrong with you OP?
Don't you find a grown man sulking like a child a complete turn-on..?
Nothing gets me in the mood for a couple of minutes of sweaty fumbling like an actual adult male, that can drive, and tie shoelaces, and eat with some cutlery, pouting and stomping about in a huff...

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 11/12/2021 08:12

I am by no means a “cool wife” but I would prefer my husband ask me so we can be intimate together than for him to sneak off to the bathroom and wank alone. It’s nice to just pleasure each other sometimes. It’s also a bit sad you don’t do BJs! I would be very upset if my husband didn’t want to do oral sex/I had to spend my life without it 😳

The repeated asking and sulking is off putting, yes.

BoudecaBains · 11/12/2021 08:14

I enjoy giving my man a surprise in the morning , or any time of the day , so it wouldn’t worry me but I guess if you feel inhibited in that respect then he’ll have to grab some “me time”.

Fairylights25 · 11/12/2021 08:15

Of course it is a seedy request!

Made worse by the sulking. 'Can I get a BJ' reminded me so much of 'can I get a milshake/big mac'

There is a contempt and an entitlement in those words that makes me nauseous to read. And yes I absolutely could not be with a man/teen/man child that spoke to me in that way.

Raise your bar FFS! You are not a call girl giving out free services op, but a human being worthy of respect.

beastlyslumber · 11/12/2021 08:16

That is grim.

I don't know what to suggest though, OP. I think I'd struggle to want to have sex with him ever if that's how he views it. Has your sex life been good in the past? I wonder if some kind of sex or couples counselling might help? Although it does seem like a lot of effort/expense when he could stop being a grim, entitled manchild for free.

LizzieSiddal · 11/12/2021 08:18

All of you saying “it wouldn’t bother me, him asking for a BJ” have you missed the bit where he KNOWS she doesn’t not like giving BJs?

Why would someone keep asking you to do something you don’t like?!

ClaudiaJ1 · 11/12/2021 08:18

10 days? You poor thing. I think the average period is 3-5 days. Mine is 3. I've only heard of one person having a period for as long as 7 days. Have you seen the doctor about it? Because it's really not normal at all for it to last that long!

But YANBU about the blow jobs. I hate giving blow jobs/oral sex, but the way he asked for it was just..... I can't explain it but it almost seems like he thinks you exist for his pleasure only or something. If you really don't like doing it just tell him you don't like giving them and can he relieve himself for the duration.

But definitely see a doctor because 10 days is way too long and not normal. Something is very wrong there.

ComtesseDeSpair · 11/12/2021 08:19

I think the likelihood of your marriage surviving long term, for all kinds of reasons evident from your posts, is pretty close to zero tbh.

Grenlei · 11/12/2021 08:20

No one should do anything sexually they don't enjoy.

You also shouldn't have to be nagged about it. And as pp have said, sulking is very unattractive.

However equally you should both be able to ask the other openly for what you want, albeit accepting the response either way.

In a normal loving relationship sex or any kind of intimate contact being off the table 33% of the time doesn't sound great though.

Is he happy to give you oral? Because in that case I can see how it would feel one sided if when he asks it's always no, but you're happy to receive.

Also do you object to him masturbating? (I know in some relationships people can be uncomfortable about their partner engaging in any form of self pleasure, feeling it should all be a joint rather than solo effort. If that is the case, I would think you'd need to be more accommodating of requests like this, or suggest a compromise - hand job?). If not, then although he's entitled to ask for a BJ, once you've said no he should just accept that and sort himself out.