Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

[hereforthechat]

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

Fucking hell some of these responses are medieval.

I’m with you OP. Yuck yuck yuck. Asking for one from a cold start would gross me out. Asking for one when he knows you wouldn’t be in the mood would piss me off. In an intimate situation, fine. It’s clear that wasn’t the situation here and he knew it.

I cannot imagine this the other way round. Just chancing my arm and asking my husband for some cunnilingus over the washing up?

@hygtt @HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule

He has some other redeeming qualities (which I know you wouldn't think so from my post!), but to be honest as the years have gone by I have changed as a person and he hasn't. Mumsnet has been an eye opener about boundaries and expectations and I wish I had discovered this forums years ago. Maybe I wouldn't have been in this relationship if I knew clearly what I wanted back then and what were my boundaries and that it's ok to have them and that it's ok not to tolerate certain things.

@Fidgetty

Ooosh....you want some tips? Or are you one of those mumsnetters that refuses to be degraded in such a way?

No I'm fine thanks. I quite enjoy oral if I'm in the mood, but implying women who don't are inferior in some way and just need to be "educated" is gross and coercive. You sound like a Samatha Jones caricature gone wrong.

Why thank you. I love Samantha Jones....she was my favourite. A liberated woman who went with what she wanted and enjoyed

I don't think Samantha would suck a dick on demand though.

@OnPaper I think I'm quite lucky that I grew up with a good father & lots of women with high expectations, so it's not something i've had to lean if that makes sense. Are you happy overall?

Samantha wouldn’t do anything she didn’t want to. As a liberated woman who knows what she wants and enjoys.

OP, your husband is a dick. He is pestering you for sex when you are going through a shitty and he things it's okay for him to act shitty when you won't go along with it.

How do you manage to have sex with him at all? I would be so turned off by such behavior I could not even bare to ever touch him or let him touch me.

But then again, I would drop someone like that like a hot potato.

A liberated woman who went with what she wanted and enjoyed
You can also be a liberated woman who goes with what you want (not having sex on your period) and enjoy (sex acts other than BJs). Samantha Jones understood “no” and consent.

Yikes some of these replies! Of course there's nothing wrong with enjoying giving BJs, same as there's nothing wrong if it's something you don't enjoy and are open and honest with your partner about. I'm sure plenty of blokes don't enjoy giving a woman oral, but as that's not as big a part of popular culture or porn, I expect lots don't see anything wrong with that.

@hotmeatymilk totally agree - that’s was my point as indicated by the first sentence. It was resonate to a pp suggesting otherwise.

*in response to

Nothing wrong with asking for oral sex sometimes. Nothing wrong with not wanting to do it.
I think this post shows a bit of contempt really though. Its hardly an outrageous demand.
You cant help not liking oral or having super long periods. He cant help fancying a blow job sometimes or being annoyed at the way you worded the rejection as if he was a sex pest.
Of course the context is everything though and what the rest of your relationship is like

You can also be a liberated woman who goes with what you want (not having sex on your period) and enjoy (sex acts other than BJs). Samantha Jones understood “no” and consent.

I agree with this.

Precisely - a liberated woman does what she wants and enjoys. And refuses to do what she doesn't enjoy. I love BJs. They happen most times we have sex, usually as foreplay - not because I'm a 'cool wife', but because we both enjoy them. On the other hand, I dont like anal - but he does (or rather would). We tried it a couple of times, years ago now, because I'm generally up for trying things, and I do think you sometimes discover that you love things that you thought you wouldn't - but my mind was not changed. It just does nothing for me, either conceptually or in practice. So we don't do it. End of story. I'm quite sure that DH fantasises about it sometimes, either when we're having sex or when he's on his own, and that's absolutely fine. But he would never 'ask' for it, or suggest it, or try to initiate it, or certainly sulk about it, because he knows it doesn't appeal to me. And he's not a prick.

@Anomelettefortheroad

To all those women professing that a BJ gives you a sore neck and jaw ache. Honey.....you're doing it all wrong. If you're doing it right then you definitely don't get a sore neck and jaw ache

God, you're so cool.

I really don't get this obsession with the bitters of mumsnet accusing other women of trying to be "cool" everytime they do something which a man likes or finds attractive.

I like to give blow jobs. Not trying to be "cool".
I like going to the pub with my husband and having a few drinks. Not trying to be "cool".
I like going to festivals, dancing and drinking. Not trying to be "cool".
Sometimes I wear nice matching underwear. Not trying to be "cool".
I occasionally watch the football with my husband. Not trying to be "cool".
I wear heels to work....sometimes with dresses. gasp Not trying to be "cool" (or sexy for that matter).

Why the f*ck can't a woman make her own choices without being accused of trying to be "cool"?

Have a word with yourself!

@Branleuse

Nothing wrong with asking for oral sex sometimes. Nothing wrong with not wanting to do it. I think this post shows a bit of contempt really though. Its hardly an outrageous demand. You cant help not liking oral or having super long periods. He cant help fancying a blow job sometimes or being annoyed at the way you worded the rejection as if he was a sex pest. Of course the context is everything though and what the rest of your relationship is like

Are you nuts? You don't get to demand sex under any circumtances. Most demands are outrages and demands over sex are completely unacceptable.

Unless, you meant to say "request". But this was not a request. He was nagging her for sex and then tried to punish her for saying 'no' by sulking. Disgusting behavior!

It’s grim to just ask for one randomly - not my cup of tea. I know DHs who do this and wives who oblige. My DH wouldn’t ask. It feels disrespectful to me. I normally require a period of defrosting first!

The OP posted wanting outrage. Wanting every woman to agree with her. Not everyone does, and so the bitters who do agree with her go on the attack. Standard mumsnet 😂

You don't get to demand sex under any circumtances. Most demands are outrages and demands over sex are completely unacceptable.

I think I've demanded sex, certainly when I was overdue with dc1.

If you don't like blow jobs, he shouldn't ask. What woman would enjoy oral knowing her dp didn't want to do it?!!!

@MrsLarry

You like doing those things, fair enough. No need to be patronising to women who don't enjoy giving blow jobs.

And as OP has said that until a few years ago, sex was all about her husband and not her, and he often sulks when he doesn't get his way, it sounds like a potentially controlling relationship. She definitely doesn't need women talking down to her because she says she doesn't enjoy blow jobs.

“The bitters” – is that how we’re referring to other women, now? And everyone who doesn’t enjoy BJs is a bitter? Even those who haven’t expressed a preference either way, because the thread isn’t about that? We’re bitter too? About… what, exactly?

@MrsCremuel I was quoting and replying to the PP before you even posted! We’re in agreement here, I think.

Although I wish we could all find a more up-to-date reference than Samantha Jones (and curse And Just Like That for making SATC relevant again)

@MrsLarry

The OP posted wanting outrage. Wanting every woman to agree with her. Not everyone does, and so the bitters who do agree with her go on the attack. Standard mumsnet 😂

There are people that disagree that OP has every right to say no, and being asked repeatedly and then him sulking as he couldn't get his own way is not appealing? The internalised misogyny is strong in this one.

You sound repulsed by him (and I would be, too). If it's been like this for a long time, I'd think about separating.

And please do see a GP. There are different pills, different treatments if one doesn't agree with you. You must be exhausted with that kind of blood loss.