Husband asked if he could "get a BJ"

[hereforthechat]

And I said no.

I'm on my period. My period lasts about ten days and we don't have sex during it. My husband occasionally makes comments about BJ's... like joking but not joking. Last night he did it and just kept doing it, so I said "to be clear, that's not happening". He got really grumpy about it. I took our 6yr old to bed (which typically takes ages), came back down and he had gone to bed in a mood.

I just find this so unattractive. Firstly, I don't like giving BJs. We have sex regularly but I just don't like oral. Also, I find it really uncomfortable to be asked for a BJ. Like do we just go upstairs and I service him then leave?... like a hooker? He just doesn't get why that's not very nice for me. Am I wrong here?

The OP doesn't sound particularly happy with her marriage, full stop. The sex is just the canary in the coal mine.

Exactly, although I don't think she's coming back.

@MrsLarry

Believe it or not, some women actually enjoy sex (including oral). They do it because they they want to, not because their husband pressurises them, or they feel obliged to do it. They don't use it as a "reward" or a "treat"......they actually like the intimacy with their partner and they get a lot of enjoyment from it.

You wouldn't think so from reading mumsnet though. Jeez!

This.

If you (you generally not just the op) feel pressured or coerced then leave and choose better next time.

Good on you for standing up for yourself op.

I see nothing wrong with asking but only once.

I love sex. I enjoy it very much and have a great and varied sex life with my husband. None of that is relevant to whether or not OP must give her pestering husband a blow job.

She’s not required to service any and all aspects of his sexual appetite!

@stanislavily

I've always found it a bit odd to read on here about people talking to their partners about sex when they're not already 'in the mood'. Maybe I'm weird, but I have never come across this in real life. If DH and I had started kissing/touching and he asked me to go down on him, then no problem, I would find that a turn-on. But to ask for a blow job out of nowhere when we're just sitting watching the TV or whatever, or even for either of us just to say 'do you fancy going to have sex now', would just never happen. I've always felt the same about people in films who undress themselves (separately) in order to get in bed and have sex, rather than undressing each other as part of foreplay. It all seems so clinical.

After 12 years and with 2 small children we'd hardly ever have sex if one of us didn't put it out there.

Sulking is never attractive. BUT....

He only asked and I think you could consider, for a second, how you would feel if you asked your partner for oral and he reacted the way you did. If my partner said "let's be clear that isn't going to happen" I'd be really hurt and if I'm honest a bit offended. Why not, you're my partner and was open with you about my desire to have some release and you've shut me down even when actual sex is off the cards for 1/3rd of the month due to your period (if you also don't want to have sex during this time).

I'm not for a second saying you should perform a sec act you don't want to but I think you have been unkind in your response to his (admittedly a little childish) way of requesting some form of sexual intimacy.

True, she doesn't sound happy with her husband's entitled
attitude to sex.

@hygtt I like to think she'll be back.

He's not unreasonable to ask and you're not unreasonable to say no. As others have said, he is unreasonable not to take no for an answer and continue to ask.

I'm not for a second saying you should perform a sec act you don't want to but I think you have been unkind in your response to his (admittedly a little childish) way of requesting some form of sexual intimacy.

@SherbertLemons I imagine OP was angry at his pestering for something he knows she wasn't want. And also she wanted him to STFU.

How is “let’s be clear, that isn’t going to happen” more hurtful and offensive than “can I get a BJ” over and over again, accompanied by sulking and joking-but-not-joking (aka coercion)?

He absolutely IS unreasonable to ‘ask’ for the umpteenth time when he already knows full well that she dislikes it. He’s not ‘asking’ - he’s pestering, and completely disrespectful of her.

@MasterBeth

I would get mad if my partner said “can I get a blow job?”

It’s “can I have a blow job?”

No, that is grammatically incorrect.

"It's MAY I have a blow job?"
You don't understand the difference between "Can I" and "May I".

It sounds like your not very sexually compatible. I love giving head / going down on my partner.

Someone else suggested the ‘whats in it for me’ line. If people are thinking like that they’ve got their own selfish issues they need to address.

If my partner said to me can I get a wank, without explicit offer of something in return, would I do it? Yeah of course.

Having little kids is ace but also tiring and unless your honest with yourself tedious at times. If you cant break it up with some selfless adult play its going to be a long slog!

Half joking in a request is unattractive but how has it got there? Id say a good chat is in order before a deeper resentment builds. IMO considering pleasure to your partner on a transactional or what do I get out of this basis is a lot more unattractive

I get it, OP, I really do. Yesterday my H asked for a handjob. I am on my period too at the moment (which also ironically can last up to 10 days, although the last few days is spotting or light). He also wanted me to wear his favourite piece of clothing. Meanwhile, I had changed in my fleece pyjamas, I had wrapped myself in my thickest blanket and was shaking like a leaf because I was so cold. The thought of having to undress and wear his choice of clothing which would leave me exposed to the cold made me rage.

Every single month it's the same story. If I say no he looks all depressed and mops around feeling sorry for himself. I am not against period sex either and I don't mean when it's the heavy days, but when my period is really light or there is spotting. Well, he finds it horrifying (fair enough), but he expects to be served nevertheless in different ways.

Someone upthread has it right. How many men make sure their partner is comfortable when they are on their periods? I asked mine a couple of (seperate) times if he can go buy me pads because I had only one more left (I was bleeding heavily, in pain and wrapped up with a blanket on the couch). He made one excuse after the other of why maybe I should go. He never went in the end, but he still expects his 'treat'.

I pointed out yesterday that maybe he can 'treat' me one day without getting anything in return just to even things out and see what it feels like. He wasn't very keen on the idea.

This thread is an eye-opener. I find it hard to understand how a site with mostly women posters can have a thread with so many messages thinking this is ok.

Words like "conciliatory", "you're his only option", "wouldn't bother me", "he's only asking", "struggle without sex for 10 days", "sad if you don't do BJ's" etc etc - and that's only the first couple of pages.

The op doesn't have to give a reason, she doesn't have to justify anything. He knows she doesn't want to; he should leave her alone.

@me4real she said he didn't ask for sex on her period

"He has never suggested he would want to and I'm sure he would if he did."

Reading other posts, it all seems a bit confusing & sounds like communication is missing. The OP hasn't clarified if she told him she doesn't like bjs or being pestered for them.

They give me a sore jaw and neck ache too. Hate them. Of course it is not unreasonable to say you don't enjoy them, he will have to make do without them. As you say, it won't kill him. Not like there aren't many many other ways of enjoying intimacy together.
I used to have 10 day periods, there was nothing wrong with me, so I wouldn't assume there was with you either. A couple of heavier bleeding days, then a week of almost no blood, but still there.
I would like to think your DH would give this some thought, and realise why you don't want to give him blow jobs on request. My partner used to pester me for sex, has now learnt that gets him nowhere. That the only way is making it about both of us, not just his right to sex because we are together.

yes she has told him - she says he doesn’t understand why she doesn’t like it.

How many men make sure their partner is comfortable when they are on their periods? I asked mine a couple of (seperate) times if he can go buy me pads because I had only one more left (I was bleeding heavily, in pain and wrapped up with a blanket on the couch). He made one excuse after the other of why maybe I should go. He never went in the end, but he still expects his 'treat'

But why are you putting up with that? My DH as a boyfriend would always get me pads, hot water bottle, leave me to relax etc.

I can understand how it's annoying but I wonder, do you not do anything sexual at all during those ten days?
In LTRs, I equate sex acts to intimacy- it's one of the ways in which I express and receive love and admiration. I never get sulky if DP isn't in the mood, but I have to admit that I don't feel quite as connected if it's been a while. I'm told that this kind of thought process is more common in males (I'm female) so maybe your DH feels this way too. The sulking part is crap, of course, but I wonder if it's sulking because he won't be getting a BJ, or upset because you've made him feel bad for wanting some intimacy.

@OnPaper

I get it, OP, I really do. Yesterday my H asked for a handjob. I am on my period too at the moment (which also ironically can last up to 10 days, although the last few days is spotting or light). He also wanted me to wear his favourite piece of clothing. Meanwhile, I had changed in my fleece pyjamas, I had wrapped myself in my thickest blanket and was shaking like a leaf because I was so cold. The thought of having to undress and wear his choice of clothing which would leave me exposed to the cold made me rage.

Every single month it's the same story. If I say no he looks all depressed and mops around feeling sorry for himself. I am not against period sex either and I don't mean when it's the heavy days, but when my period is really light or there is spotting. Well, he finds it horrifying (fair enough), but he expects to be served nevertheless in different ways.

Someone upthread has it right. How many men make sure their partner is comfortable when they are on their periods? I asked mine a couple of (seperate) times if he can go buy me pads because I had only one more left (I was bleeding heavily, in pain and wrapped up with a blanket on the couch). He made one excuse after the other of why maybe I should go. He never went in the end, but he still expects his 'treat'.

I pointed out yesterday that maybe he can 'treat' me one day without getting anything in return just to even things out and see what it feels like. He wasn't very keen on the idea.

He sounds utterly awful. I mean honestly, why are you with him??

@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule I didn't see that explicitly said.

@hygtt it’s in there somewhere...

You might not find it attractive but it's not the end of the world. Ignore his sulking. It's a non issue.

Good god, I can’t believe some people seem to think you owe him a BJ.