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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In asking for opinions on whether to ignore my ex's families wishes for DD3s education.

117 replies

peewitsandy · 25/09/2021 20:24

My ex husbands family are very wealthy but also incredibly controlling. DD 3 was adopted by myself and ex husband when she was 2.

the two most important reasons I moved to Essex from Cheshire six years ago was firstly to escape the toxicity of my ex's family secondly , secondly the Grammar schools. My ex's family would only pay fees if I and the children had decided to stay in Cheshire. Fast forward six years and DD1, DD2 and DS are all at grammar schools DD3 who has just taken her 11+ exam is unlikely to pass. Consequently ex husbands family have decided DD 3 needs to go to Boarding school but only one that is located in the North of England and want her start next September when DD 3 will be 11 years, she is a very immature 10 and half year old at present. The 'family' again refuse to contemplate funding a Private school Prep or Senior near where we live.

Should I suggest to them that perhaps DD 3 can go at 13 and that they fund a Local Prep school for her . Alternatively should I tell them to get lost and send DD to the local Comprehensive.

This is also complicated by the fact DD 3 is a talented sportswoman in both Tennis and Hockey . Therefore, with good facilities and coaching she would probably flourish both academically and sportingly in a Public School environment.

I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO SAY FUCK OFF TO THEM !

However, if I do will I be destroying DD3s future life prospects.

OP posts:

Waxonwaxoff0 · 25/09/2021 20:30

Tell them to fuck off. Of course you won't be destroying her future life prospects, most people don't go to private or grammar schools.

LividLaVidaLoca · 25/09/2021 20:31

Why are you letting your daughter’s future be decided by your ex PIL?

I presume you’re divorced and have sorted a financial settlement. Just do what you want and stop taking money that has strings attached.

NuttyinNotts · 25/09/2021 20:31

I think sending an adopted child to boarding school, just as they are reaching adolescence sounds like a really risky decision, particularly when her siblings will still be at home. YANBU

Ikeameatballs · 25/09/2021 20:33

@NuttyinNotts

I think sending an adopted child to boarding school, just as they are reaching adolescence sounds like a really risky decision, particularly when her siblings will still be at home. YANBU

This with bells on!

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 25/09/2021 20:33

Going to non selective state school doesn't destroy a person's life prospects.

Being sent away from your immediate family and receiving the message that toxic relatives with money call the shots, however...

baffledcoconut · 25/09/2021 20:34

If she’s a talented sporting type then what about a scholarship to a local Indy? Also, as she’s adopted you’ll probably find there are school/private funds that will help to cover the remainder of the fees. As she isn’t as academic as your other children then the smaller setting of an independent rather than a grammar might be an advantage.

hettie · 25/09/2021 20:34

You will not be destroying her life chances if she doesn't go to private school. That's bloody obvious. You will however run the risk of destroying her relationship with you and her siblings if you send her to boarding school 100's of miles away under the influence of her quite frankly batshit and controllong ex in laws. Even if you wait until 13 this is a terrible idea. Find a good hockey club locally, they will nurture her talent. Celebrate who she is and what she does even if it isn't the same as her sibs or meets the ridiculous expectations of ex's relatives..

Potpourri23 · 25/09/2021 20:34

No way
She's far too young in my opinion
Do they just want her far away from you?

PooWillyNameChange · 25/09/2021 20:37

I would keep her in state school. What is the quality of the local comp? Could she sit the 12+/13+ and try for a move later if a bit of a late bloomer?

It really depends on how good the local comp is. If it's decent I'd go for it and supplement sporting activities out of school. If it's failing completely and a bit scary I'd be at a bit of a loss, but I've got to wonder how much of private school kids success is actually correlation (i.e. parents high achievers, push at home etc) vs. causation. I sent DD to a highly regarded prep and she's now flourishing in a mixed state school, but anecdata probably isn't helpful!

Mumoftwoinprimary · 25/09/2021 20:42

@NuttyinNotts

I think sending an adopted child to boarding school, just as they are reaching adolescence sounds like a really risky decision, particularly when her siblings will still be at home. YANBU

This. With Jingly Bells on.

To be honest - if they are the type of inlaws that you move hundreds of miles to get away from there is no way I would put myself in a position where their whims could make a mess of my child’s education. (What if you / she annoys them halfway through year 10 and they decide to stop paying???)

Dinoroaraus · 25/09/2021 20:42

If you send her to boarding school and none of the others went you risk alienating her from the rest of the family. Also why do his family get a say in her education wtf?

baffledcoconut · 25/09/2021 20:45

Also, DO NOT send an adopted child to a boarding school, it’s a recipe for disaster.

buckleten · 25/09/2021 20:55

I would look at getting a scholarship if she's sporty to a small local independant school, I would not consider boarding at all!

WisestIsShe · 25/09/2021 20:59

@NuttyinNotts

I think sending an adopted child to boarding school, just as they are reaching adolescence sounds like a really risky decision, particularly when her siblings will still be at home. YANBU

I totally agree with this.

toomanyhobbies · 25/09/2021 21:01

If your in Essex with the 4 grammars then there are some very good state schools and sports academies around too as well as 2 private schools (although think only 1 goes to secondary) they may well have a scholarships you could look in to

Original poster

peewitsandy · 25/09/2021 21:04

Despite personally having a very fractious relationship with the ex in laws. All my children have a fantastic relationship with their Dad, Grandad, Grandmother Aunties and Uncles. All The kids over the summer holidays spent 4 continuous weeks with 'their family (they might not be my family but they are the children's family)

All the kids are very well supported both financially and emotionally, it's just me they cannot stand !

I am worried that if I become to obstructive towards the 'family' my children will suffer financially and emotionally.

DD 3 has always been very clingy to me, thus I also have some doubts about boarding school for her. I don't know if DD3 would pass a scholarship exam for a standard Independent school. This being true even if her fathers income was not taken in to consideration.

Finally, I should have said DD 3s prospects might be weakened not destroyed which I understands demeans the local Comprehensive, which is quite good !

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 25/09/2021 21:08

But some Indies offer a full and/or part scholarships based on sporting ability, can you find one not too far from you? Income might not even come into it.
And please don’t send her to boarding school, they can be disastrous for some children and you want know if that’s the case until it’s too late.

LakieLady · 25/09/2021 21:11

I'd tell them to fuck right off, frankly.

Sending her away would seem like such a rejection, and she's had a lot of upheaval in her short life, bless her. Especially when none of her siblings boarded.

Murraysmum · 25/09/2021 21:13

Is the school Kirkham? It is good for hockey but not so much tennis.
The only boarding schools I would consider for tennis would be Reeds, Millfields, Repton or Queenswood

louleey · 25/09/2021 21:16

@Waxonwaxoff0

Tell them to fuck off. Of course you won't be destroying her future life prospects, most people don't go to private or grammar schools.

This 100%

urbanbuddha · 25/09/2021 21:20

Send her to the local comp. Presumably some of her friends wll be going there and her relationship with her siblings won't be as strained as it would be if she was living away from them for most of the year.

Cherrysoup · 25/09/2021 21:25

Surely you don’t want your dd going so far from home? If she’s not a mature girl, I can’t see boarding school being a great move. Even if she were mature, I’m not sure boarding school is a great idea for any child.

Changechangychange · 25/09/2021 21:30

Alternatively should I tell them to get lost and send DD to the local Comprehensive

You should do this. I voted you were being unreasonable to even give them the time of day on this subject. They need to fuck off.

titchy · 25/09/2021 21:35

If she's adopted you should be able to pick which state school you send her to, so the choice isn't the local comp vs boarding/prep and boarding. There may be a better comp with good sports facilities further away.

MerryMarigold · 25/09/2021 21:35

I agree with not sending her away. Whilst the kids may be getting on with the in laws, they may still be controlling, manipulative and toxic with them but just subtly. I can't understand why anyone who actually loved a child would want to send an ADOPTED child to a school so far away from her mother that she is clingy to. They don't love her. Punishing you is clearly more important than her best interests. I would be reevaluating their relationship with her full stop.

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