In asking for opinions on whether to ignore my ex's families wishes for DD3s education.

[peewitsandy]

My ex husbands family are very wealthy but also incredibly controlling. DD 3 was adopted by myself and ex husband when she was 2.

the two most important reasons I moved to Essex from Cheshire six years ago was firstly to escape the toxicity of my ex's family secondly , secondly the Grammar schools. My ex's family would only pay fees if I and the children had decided to stay in Cheshire. Fast forward six years and DD1, DD2 and DS are all at grammar schools DD3 who has just taken her 11+ exam is unlikely to pass. Consequently ex husbands family have decided DD 3 needs to go to Boarding school but only one that is located in the North of England and want her start next September when DD 3 will be 11 years, she is a very immature 10 and half year old at present. The 'family' again refuse to contemplate funding a Private school Prep or Senior near where we live.

Should I suggest to them that perhaps DD 3 can go at 13 and that they fund a Local Prep school for her . Alternatively should I tell them to get lost and send DD to the local Comprehensive.

This is also complicated by the fact DD 3 is a talented sportswoman in both Tennis and Hockey . Therefore, with good facilities and coaching she would probably flourish both academically and sportingly in a Public School environment.

I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO SAY FUCK OFF TO THEM !

However, if I do will I be destroying DD3s future life prospects.

Do not send an adopted child away to boarding school if you didn't send the others!

Nobody needs a grammar school FFS.

If she is really sporty the local school might be great for her but I do get the desire for her to be in a single sex school (mine is)

Mine also boards a couple of nights a week and loves it, it's only 20 mins away though and she is an only child so it's great for her.

You need to make the decision based on what your child needs, not what the in laws demand.

Ime, it is not a good idea to send one child to a comprehensive and others to grammars.

Absolute rubbish. Paying for one child to go private and not another, maybe a bad idea, but grammars schools and comprehensives (and secondary moderns) are all state schools, and different schools might suit different children.

Anyway, it's a moot point in OP's case because her elder children are already at grammars and she can't do anything to ensure her youngest also goes there.

OP, to answer an earlier question of yours, the 11+ exam doesn't have a contextual element, however if DD3 only narrowly missed the qualifying mark she could appeal, and an appeal panel might well take into account her particular circumstances.

@Rannva

How did you end up with these people having such control over your life? In-laws are for brief small talk at weekends, not insisting you send your child to boarding school. Utterly baffling sense of boundaries here.

In short, money.

If someone offers to pay hundreds of thousands for your child's education, it makes you pause. And you then become responsible for making a decision that will affect your child's entire life, whether you accept or reject it, and you also face the future repercussions of how your child may view your decision in later life.

It's a very difficult situation to be in.

@thing47

Ime, it is not a good idea to send one child to a comprehensive and others to grammars.

Absolute rubbish. Paying for one child to go private and not another, maybe a bad idea, but grammars schools and comprehensives (and secondary moderns) are all state schools, and different schools might suit different children.

Anyway, it's a moot point in OP's case because her elder children are already at grammars and she can't do anything to ensure her youngest also goes there.

OP, to answer an earlier question of yours, the 11+ exam doesn't have a contextual element, however if DD3 only narrowly missed the qualifying mark she could appeal, and an appeal panel might well take into account her particular circumstances.

As I said, in my experience, these situations do not resolve well.

But from your retort of "absolute rubbish", I can tell your perspective on such things is very set in stone.

Don’t send your daughter away!

My opinion on grammar schools is on record, on this forum and elsewhere. But you can't make decisions on 1 child based on what might or might not suit another, they're all individuals. Do they all have to take the same subjects too? Or if one decides to follow a vocational course post-GCSE, does that mean the other can't do A levels? Or if one of them doesn't get into university, does that mean none of them can go?

Someone who is still bitter about the school they went to more than 20 years after leaving it has more to worry about than their schooling.

Obviously your ex's family don't get to dictate what happens to your children, but presumably your ex still has parental responsibility so it's kind of difficult to answer whether YABU or not when you've lumped him in with his family. His parents don't get a say, he does.

If you did decide you wanted to go down the flexi-boarding route (which doesn't sound ideal for your dd, but that's up to you and ex-h to decide), do ask questions around how many pupils actually board at what age. I looked at boarding & flexi-boarding in Essex for dc and it turned out that, in both of the schools we were interested in, hardly anyone boarded except international students and a very limited number of the older (exam year) pupils on occasion.

For the grammars, previously looked after children (assuming your dd was adopted after being a LAC) get reserved places at the top of the selection criteria for all the Essex grammar schools I know of. So your dd would have to pass the 11+, but only get above the pass mark, not way above it like the non-LAC.

Thank you Packing for putting context in to my relationship with the ex's family. This being similar to the terms attached to my divorce settlement. I.E the best case scenario for me going forward ( forgoing a large settlement, due to me In order to preserve the kids relationship and their financial future security with their dad and his family

. As for my DEXH think of the Dudley Moore character 'Arthur' and you can't go far wrong in understanding the man Ex who was more mature man at 22 than he is now at 49 hence why his family still keep him on a short leash towards his spending and his outlandish behaviour A man I gave 21 loving years to from 19-40 bearing him three children and the adoption of DD 3 .

The end came for me when I returned from shopping nearly seven years ago to find him doing two lines of Cocaine in our bedroom. I left him on his own with our four young children. I could not carry on with this charade anymore, deciding I needed to be at least two hundred miles from him and his family. However, due to the terms of my settlement, it is prudent for me to give considerations to the wishes of the ex and his family. This, was explained to me by my dad who was before retirement, a respected Criminal Barrister .

Cocomarine: It seems that DD3 last two homework grades for Chemistry were C Minus. DD3s teacher issued comments on one of the homework suggesting she only spent 20-30 minutes on the homework. The school suggest a pupil should spend minimum of 1hr 20 per A level Homework taken. DD3 has had her Chemistry teacher since year 10 . the teacher, therefore knows when limited effort has been put in to a task.

Currently there seem to be no problems in her other 3 A Levels choices of English Literature, Politics and History.

I know with this post I have probably been a little bit open, but I don't want my two eldest DDs turning in to 'Spoilt bone idol' lazy with no concerns other than their own gratification ! These characteristics have been noticeable in both of them, ever since they came back from a month with their father in late August.

Sorry for missing words....

@thing47

Ime, it is not a good idea to send one child to a comprehensive and others to grammars.

Absolute rubbish. Paying for one child to go private and not another, maybe a bad idea, but grammars schools and comprehensives (and secondary moderns) are all state schools, and different schools might suit different children.

Anyway, it's a moot point in OP's case because her elder children are already at grammars and she can't do anything to ensure her youngest also goes there.

OP, to answer an earlier question of yours, the 11+ exam doesn't have a contextual element, however if DD3 only narrowly missed the qualifying mark she could appeal, and an appeal panel might well take into account her particular circumstances.

@thing47 calling it absolute rubbish when some of us have shattered families due to these types of decisions is not particularly kind.

Might be rubbish to you, it's very real to me and has caused untold misery in our family.

I moved out of a grammar area to a comprehensive one before I had children so it didn't happen again.

@countrygirl99

Paula Radcliffe went to her local comp. She still managed to get world records.

Jessica Ennis went to her local comp in Sheffield. Seems to have done OK.

Several children in our family went to Boarding Schools. At various ages between 6 and 14. All more or less damaged by it. It's child abuse.

So BakewellTarter you're saying that if DC1 does not obtain the qualifying score for a grammar then DC2, DC3 etc should not be allowed to go even if they do obtain the qualifying score? Because it might cause untold misery?

Yeah, I'm never going to agree with that. As I said earlier, where does it stop? DC1 leaves school at 18 to start a job, does that mean DC2 can't go to university? DC2 goes to a former poly, does that mean DC3 can't go to Oxbridge? Different types of education suit different types of children. There's nothing intrinsically wrong with that, though I would certainly question whether the 11+ exam is the right age, or the right way, to make that decision.

I am sorry for your bad personal experience, but surely it is up to the parents to manage such a situation and to put a positive spin on whichever school whichever child is attending. If comparisons are being made, or children are being treated differently because of the school they attend, I would politely venture to suggest that that is parenting failure rather than a schooling one.

Thing47, I think you are being a little disingenuous here.

There is a significant difference between making a decision for a child at 10, and teenage-driven decisions at 16 or 18.

Possibly, but the principle is the same. You don't deny one DC an opportunity because other DCs might not be in a position to access the same opportunity. Education shouldn't be a race to the bottom.

It's perfectly possible for a DC educated at a secondary modern to have a high-flying academic career – of course, it does depend on the child, and on their parents and teachers. Having been in this situation myself, I'm struggling to see exactly how it could cause such misery.

If you think 10 is too young for these sorts of decisions, then I totally agree with you. We specialise and force children into boxes far too young in England.

@thing47 I'm saying it has consequences.

Yes, yes of course, BakewellTarter, it absolutely does. But I don't think that decision necessarily has to have bad consequences and I'm sorry to hear it did in your case.

I assume from what you've said the scenario was something like one sibling went to grammar school and another(s) didn't, and those that didn't felt bitter and resentful about it? In which case, why didn't the responsible adults involved address the issue?