In asking for opinions on whether to ignore my ex's families wishes for DD3s education.

[peewitsandy]

My ex husbands family are very wealthy but also incredibly controlling. DD 3 was adopted by myself and ex husband when she was 2.

the two most important reasons I moved to Essex from Cheshire six years ago was firstly to escape the toxicity of my ex's family secondly , secondly the Grammar schools. My ex's family would only pay fees if I and the children had decided to stay in Cheshire. Fast forward six years and DD1, DD2 and DS are all at grammar schools DD3 who has just taken her 11+ exam is unlikely to pass. Consequently ex husbands family have decided DD 3 needs to go to Boarding school but only one that is located in the North of England and want her start next September when DD 3 will be 11 years, she is a very immature 10 and half year old at present. The 'family' again refuse to contemplate funding a Private school Prep or Senior near where we live.

Should I suggest to them that perhaps DD 3 can go at 13 and that they fund a Local Prep school for her . Alternatively should I tell them to get lost and send DD to the local Comprehensive.

This is also complicated by the fact DD 3 is a talented sportswoman in both Tennis and Hockey . Therefore, with good facilities and coaching she would probably flourish both academically and sportingly in a Public School environment.

I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO SAY FUCK OFF TO THEM !

However, if I do will I be destroying DD3s future life prospects.

@peewitsandy

Thank you: Dramalamma for your wisdom on the subject

Regarding DD3 passing/failing the 11+ I was told it was about 60/40 against her passing, so I have deliberately downplayed DD3 chances ! I have also been told if DD3 is quite close to the required score, she might be in line to receive a 'Contextual' offer for Grammar School based on her personal circumstances.

Is that correct or a myth.

However, because DD3 is adopted I am far more involved in little things that never concerned me with the other three.
The other kids I was fairly confident they would all pass the Essex 11+which they did, but I would have had no issues sending them to Boarding Schools, paid by the in laws.

The in laws and ex husband are so Public School and ignorant they had no idea what a state 'Grammar School' was. They were amazed that the state had selective schools. Hence, I think their opinions about the point of state schools was only to provide the workforce for the elite, thus no more education for the masses than absolutely necessary .

The first time I met them they asked me where I came from and I said Kent via Manchester University . Then when they asked about my school, (Newstead Wood) noted that the only Schools she knew of in Kent or nearby where Benenden or Wycombe Abbey !

I know they sound horrific, but when they get to know you they are actually quite nice. It is just that the Upper Classes are among the most ignorant and stupid people in the country.

Person in Cheshire correctly identified one of Kent’s most famous girls’ schools but incorrectly also names Wycombe Abbey. I don’t see why that’s so shocking. You might be obsessed by the wonderful Newstead Wood (I’ve remembered your bizarre tennis thread now!) but that doesn’t mean that people at the other end of the country should be 🤷🏻‍♀️

They don’t sound horrific, just in a bubble - like very many people are.

I know plenty of “ordinary” people (meaning: state school and no Spanish villa) who don’t like in grammar school counties and didn’t know that they still existed. For those outside of grammar counties, there is often the expectation that state school is non selective.

And frankly you’ve got a bloody cheek accusing them of thinking state (non selective comprehensive) education isn’t very good - given that you moved to Essex for the grammar schools. So that’s clearly your opinion too.

Don't accept money off them, it's not worth being beholden to them.

Why be worried about her prospects if she is already well supported financially. She will be fine.

cocomarine: I also moved to Essex to support my parents who moved there.

Cocomarine, if you remember that my mother was a Governor at my school and a senior teacher at a boys Grammar School (St Olaves).

The reason my parents live in Essex now is because my mother in her early 50s had a change in her educational attitude (who she wanted to teach). In doing so she became a Headteacher at a failing comprehensive school and turned it round in four years.

Thus, for the record I don't believe non selective state schools are rubbish, I just like the option of different schools to be available .

In the first place, I don't understand why you would obey instructions from your in-laws which will affect your daughter's present and future. Let them ride off into the sunset waving their cheque book while you sit and consider how cruel they were in wanting to send your little girl away to the north. Are they generally so dismissive of her?

She won't die if she sets foot in a local comprehensive. And she will stay close to you which may well be more important to her than a boarding school.

Don't send her to boarding school.

If there is a good comprehensive nearby, send her there. And find local tennis and hockey clubs/coaches for her.

It's obvious she prefers to stay with you.

Funnily enough I, and most people I know have managed to be successful in life without going to grammar or private school (grammar school being rare in Scotland)

I think you can separate out bits of this.

It's quite clear that boarding school would be the wrong choice for her given that you have doubts - I think any doubts on that score for a child in her situation rule it out.

I'd also question whether a grammar school is right for her but that's based on my grammar school years ago plus a friend's son at an Essex grammar who has just left - very very very focused on academics. Not much fun being at the lower end of this.

I would look at a nurturing school for her with good sport and a head teacher with a spark. I think you're more likely to find this in the private sector given that you're in a grammar school area but maybe not. It's quite possible that when you identify the right school, your ex's family will be more open to helping financially.

Nope sorry they would be told to do one

You chose whatever local school you want, and she stays at home with you

Hang on... The most important thing here is she's adopted - and about to transition schools.
You must know from your adoption training how tricky the teenage years are going to be. More than for your NT kids.
Plus for attachment reasons boarding school is a no go.

Dp went to boarding school, he did not choose this for his DD's (money wasn't an issue). Tell them that she will not be boarding so young, you are open to it 13 if dd is keen but prior to that she will be attending a school local to you.

No adopted child should be sent to boarding school. My mind is blown you would even consider this.

I have just got off the phone from mum and dad , who have just offered to pay for a local Independent School if that is required. Mum has unbeknown to me been planning DD3s future education having a number of school prospectus sent to her . Mum being aware that DD 3s personal circumstances are different thus is totally against boarding school for her. However, mum thinks DD 3 is going to pass the 11+ and she probably has more idea than me.

It's good you have a Mum who understands children, and particularly those who are vulnerable. Do think about whether grammar is the best option for her even if she passes. It may not be. Maybe look round a few local schools and get your DD's input on what she'd like to do. I have 2 children with very different abilities and they are in different schools to stop the natural sibling comparisons (not to do with 11+, neither are at grammar). How is her self esteem generally? I would prioritise this above all else in your decision making.

Good on your mum!

If the in laws are so desperate to pay, you can let them know what the local options are that would suit dd3 (day school only) and they can agree to pay. No boarding, no being sent away.

I clicked YABU, purely for not telling your Ex-Inlaws to piss off..

Your Mum sounds wonderful... good on her..

Surely you can’t really be thinking of sending an adopted child to boarding school at 11??

I’m adopted and boarding school was considered for me aged 12. I was terrified of going and luckily my parents listened to me. I think it would be a very big mistake.

I was about to say local comp and extra curricular or even tutoring if necessary.

I might have started a new thread about this, but this is related to my controlling ex and disrespectful teenagers . I don't want to bore people but I need to vent my frustration and anger somewhere !

Firstly last night I got a phone call from ex saying that they were throwing a party at his end for DD1s 17th Birthday in two weeks. Not only that but to keep it secret that he has bought her a brand new Red . Mini Cooper. He then tells me I will have to drive it back to Essex from Cheshire, so I will need to get up there, he suggests I rent a car or take the train from Southend (can you actually get from Southend to Wilmslow on a train with four unappreciative sulky kids in tow)

Question 1. Does DEXH not reason that it is a bit odd taking the train, when we have a car that's only 18 months old. Question2. Does DEXH want to upstage my parents who are paying for driving lessons for DD1 (I think I know the answer to that question). This is despite DD1s very rude behaviour to mum last night when on the phone she told her to Fuck Off for suggesting, she might look for a Saturday Job. 1 PM this afternoon , I got a phone call from her form teacher telling me she had been told to leave her Lower Sixth Form Chemistry lesson this morning. Apparently letting the teacher now that she did not need to work because her father was loaded.

Before anyone suggests A level's are to difficult for DD1 she got 3,9s 4,8s and 3,7s @GCSE so it is just the behaviour of a 'spoiled brat' not that of a pupil struggling with the A level workload. DD1s father is trying to encourage this type of behaviour, with his Disney Princess treatment towards her evidenced by the ridiculous purchase of a £20K Mini for a 17 year old BRAT.

Like 'Covid' Brattish behaviour can become very transmissible in teenage girls . evident 14.5 year old DD2 behaviour calling our house 'SHIT' because it only has four bedrooms and she has to share a bedroom with the immature 'BABY' 10.5 year old DD3 . She wants to live with her father and his Girlfriend (who is so much nicer than me). she is always berating me for moving 200 + miles away from her father , suggesting we could have bought a house in Altrincham in Trafford . Apparently she will only consider a state school if it is Selective in her new desired home . (Guess this is why she suggested Altrincham).

The only sane two are DS 12 DD3 who are delights and like me are ashamed at the behaviour of two teenage brats.

Under any normal considerations my mother and father can be considered to be very well off. My dad was a Criminal Barrister my mum a Head Teacher they own their own home, have substantial cash in the bank . Dad drives a 911 Porsche Mum a Mercedes. However, My ex is unreal he just want's to flash the cash to impress but only on his terms and for control.

This fuckwit still needed his Mum and Dad to pay me off though , because he 'Cried to Mummy and Daddy' that he would have had to sell his house to pay me off !

I am so angry because I feel a failure because I am unable to bring up two normal ,sensible caring and appreciative girls for what they have got.

DD2 last night bullied DD3 because . why do

Boarding school irrevocably changed my relationship with my siblings - for the worse, we're like polite strangers when we (rarely) meet.

It also took away a lot from me in terms of home-life and while i love my parents absolutely, the decision to send me to school (which only one of my parents really wanted, and then because we lived abroad and they wanted me to have the best start) changed our relationship completely.

If he's arranging the surprise he has to arrange it properly. Let him drive it down, garage it somewhere and then surprise her with it. Don't dance to his tune.
(That's if he can find petrol of course.)

Tell your ex, no can do and he can either pay for someone to get the car delivered to you (yes it’s a thing) or she can drive it down when she’s passed and HES sorted out all the insurance etc.

Then wash your hands of it.

The fact he thinks you will do this speaks volumes. Boundaries OP. Why didn't you say no straight away?