In asking for opinions on whether to ignore my ex's families wishes for DD3s education.

[peewitsandy]

My ex husbands family are very wealthy but also incredibly controlling. DD 3 was adopted by myself and ex husband when she was 2.

the two most important reasons I moved to Essex from Cheshire six years ago was firstly to escape the toxicity of my ex's family secondly , secondly the Grammar schools. My ex's family would only pay fees if I and the children had decided to stay in Cheshire. Fast forward six years and DD1, DD2 and DS are all at grammar schools DD3 who has just taken her 11+ exam is unlikely to pass. Consequently ex husbands family have decided DD 3 needs to go to Boarding school but only one that is located in the North of England and want her start next September when DD 3 will be 11 years, she is a very immature 10 and half year old at present. The 'family' again refuse to contemplate funding a Private school Prep or Senior near where we live.

Should I suggest to them that perhaps DD 3 can go at 13 and that they fund a Local Prep school for her . Alternatively should I tell them to get lost and send DD to the local Comprehensive.

This is also complicated by the fact DD 3 is a talented sportswoman in both Tennis and Hockey . Therefore, with good facilities and coaching she would probably flourish both academically and sportingly in a Public School environment.

I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO SAY FUCK OFF TO THEM !

However, if I do will I be destroying DD3s future life prospects.

Don't send your adopted child to boarding school. That is an insane idea.

I'm sorry your older children are so badly affected by their fuckwit dad.

Nobody can predict the future so don't try. Boarding school may be good for her, it may be awful, same for the local comp. There's no way to know. All you can do is make decisions based on the available information you have at the time. Go with your gut, if you feel sending her away from you would be emotionally difficult for her and it's not something you feel comfortable with then just don't do it. Throw your energy into making sure she gets what she needs closer to home. Forget the money, if ex's family are the type to punish your children by withdrawing love of money due to your decision then the kids really don't need people like this in their lives. Yes they may have enjoyed themselves for 4 weeks but if deep down the kids know that this involvement is conditional on them doing certain things or acting in a certain way, this is unlikely to be mentally healthy for them xxx

Boarding school may be good for her, it may be awful, same for the local comp. There's no way to know.

That might be true for some children but for an adopted child it's reasonable to assume that being sent away from their primary carer will not be good for her

@baffledcoconut

Also, DO NOT send an adopted child to a boarding school, it’s a recipe for disaster.

Just curious, why not an adopted child particularly ? Fwiw I wouldn’t send any 11 year old, but just wondering why you say this

Adopted children have attachment disruption/trauma
They all have had to develop new attachment relationships with their primary carer/s and these attachments can be more complex and less secure than those of birth children with their parents.
Separating a small child who has likely already been subject to at least one change of primary carer and likely also experienced neglect and/or abuse from their primary carer and sending them away is highly likely to lead to emotional trauma.

Would your DH pay for Queenswood which is in Herts? Wonderful sports facilities on a beautiful site, but not as academic as some other private boarding schools.
They also do full and flexi boarding, plus have an extensive car service from Herts, London and Essex. That way your DD could get the best of both worlds, board a couple of nights a week, travel by car the other days and tick the in-laws' box.

What?

Both my husband and I went to the local comprehensive (in Essex) and we are both incredibly successful, infact we are the most successful couple I know. So for that comment alone, yabu.

Honestly your DD may be struggling with Chemistry because it is very hard and her GCSE results weren't really "excellent" especially considering she went to Grammar.

As for the car just bar that back to your ex - it's up to him to sort out getting it to Essex. It's too small for you all to travel back in. His gift his problem.

As for other brat behaviour I would remind her that manners cost nothing and remove privileges such as lifts in the car.

If they want to move in with their Dad there is little you can do to stop them I'm afraid.

How much are ex/in laws worth?

It's not relevant to your post but I am fascinated to know what level of net worth is necessary, to be able to comfortably pay for boarding school/Mini Coopers at the drop of a hat.

Also, RandomMess that's ridiculous. Those results are excellent wherever she was schooled. You have no idea how much she revised for one thing. My son goes to private, is very clever with v high iq. He's terribly lazy, doesn't read and wastes his life on the Xbox. His predictions should be all 9s based on the school iq assessment (it isn't called that but can't remember the name of their assessment tool) but if he gets any where near the op's daughter's grades I will be ecstatic.

Only on Mumsnet is a spread of 9/8/7s not considered amazing

Don't do it. My brother was sent away to board, I wasn't, he hated it and it created a sense of division between us for years that still persists a little to this day.

Not to mention the obligation your ex-ILs would feel you "owed" them.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with the local comp!!

Interesting that your in laws are controlling when they suggest a school near to them.

But you have no problem with the fact that your mother has - behind your back - already sent off for prospectuses.

🤨

That’s not about the in laws suggesting being unsuitable for an adopted child by the way - they are. And I’m not saying that the in laws aren’t trying to control.

But I bet if you’d posted, “AIBU to feel my mum is controlling for getting prospectuses without even asking me” you’d get a few saying she’s only trying to help, and most saying yep - that’s controlling. Add in the back story of her trying to choose your career for you, and even more would agree.

I suppose I'm comparing it to DDs classmates that found Chemistry "not incredibly hard" who were all straight 9 achievers.

It more a reference that her grades meant she wouldn't find A level Chemistry difficult.

The step up from GCSE to A levels is still huge.

Notanum, I have been recommended Queenswood by another person and would be interested if I did decide on Boarding because. 'Flexi Boarding' Monday to Friday or would be potentially possible. Friday night travel is apparently 1 hour 10 minutes and 50 miles which actually is not has bad as I thought. (I have more idea of distances in the North than the South).

Bigyellowtractor. I was always taught it was rude to enquire about wealth ! (only kidding) The ex' husbands father would comfortable fall in to the definition of a 'Ultra High Net Individual'.

DD acquired a 9 for Chemistry @ GCSE which is to be expected as her grandmother was an exceptional Chemistry teacher. Thus, three weeks into a A level Syllabus course is not causing DD1 undue stress ( I however did find A levels fiendishly difficult) The school were appalled at her pathetic and rude outburst coming from a year 12 girl, they have given her an hour's detention on Thursday which according to her form tutor is not what we want give nearly 17 year olds . However, she has behaved like the two year 9 girls who are also in detention for rude behaviour !.

Paula Radcliffe went to her local comp. She still managed to get world records.

As a single parent to an adopted daughter I’d imagine a private school could offer good bursary and or scholarship options.

Alternatively, you will probably have your pick of the local comprehensives.

How did you end up with these people having such control over your life? In-laws are for brief small talk at weekends, not insisting you send your child to boarding school. Utterly baffling sense of boundaries here.

@peewitsandy

DD acquired a 9 for Chemistry @ GCSE which is to be expected as her grandmother was an exceptional Chemistry teacher. Thus, three weeks into a A level Syllabus course is not causing DD1 undue stress ( I however did find A levels fiendishly difficult) The school were appalled at her pathetic and rude outburst coming from a year 12 girl, they have given her an hour's detention on Thursday which according to her form tutor is not what we want give nearly 17 year olds . However, she has behaved like the two year 9 girls who are also in detention for rude behaviour !.

But that could be exactly why she could find A level Chemistry hard. I presume you’re not suggesting that her 9 was genetics from said grandmother, but academic support from her? If she got the 9 because she had a LOT of academic support from your mum, and now has the jump up to A level and hasn’t had any extra coaching yet, then she could be stressed by it. She may be feeling “imposter syndrome” that she’s not really a 9 student in chemistry, and it was only because of your mum that she got.

Her outburst isn’t acceptable - but you can’t assume that she can’t be stressed at the start of an A level course because your mum could pass it 🤣

@NuttyinNotts

I think sending an adopted child to boarding school, just as they are reaching adolescence sounds like a really risky decision, particularly when her siblings will still be at home. YANBU

Totally agree with this

Quick question re. tennis, OP. Do you mean that your daughter is properly good, or do you mean that she is good by the standards of a local school/club?

Tennis is one of those sports where a lot of people have no real concept of the standards involved at higher levels (I blame TV, it's looks easy on telly ). Apart from at a very small handful of schools, the volume of training required to play at county and regional levels would almost certainly be easier to access outside school, in a club environment.

At Queenswood they are primarily catering for players who are, or have the potential to be, top 10 in the country in their age group. At aged 11-14 this would equate to between 12-15 hours of training a week. It's a big commitment.

Ime, it is not a good idea to send one child to a comprehensive and others to grammars.

We have seen severe problems with this in my extended family, and the ultimate conclusion was extremely serious. You are essentially placing one child on a different path of educational experience to the others, and it never seems to go well.

I've known brothers in their 40s still bitter because one went to a comprehensive and another to a grammar. It doesn't seem to matter whether the comprehensive was good or not, the antagonism and bitterness is still there.

The only mitigation is to send the non-grammar child private. But, likewise, you cannot send that child away to board because you are then reproducing another type of difference to their siblings into their life-course.

And this stuff really matters, ime. It can be a foundation stone for all manner of bitterness against siblings and parents for years.

Oh and sporting issues apart, why give in-laws who don't like you this much power and control over the life of DD3?

Even if they were current rather than ex-in-laws, they don't get a say in where you send your children to school. Your love and support is far more important than their money!

Do NOT allow DD to be sent to boarding school far away, against her and her family’s wishes, that’s awful and she would probably hate it.

If she doesn’t get into grammar then either borrow the money for private (eg remortgage) or send her to a State school, as she’s adopted you’ll go to the top of the list and thus have a huge range to choose from.