In asking for opinions on whether to ignore my ex's families wishes for DD3s education.

[peewitsandy]

My ex husbands family are very wealthy but also incredibly controlling. DD 3 was adopted by myself and ex husband when she was 2.

the two most important reasons I moved to Essex from Cheshire six years ago was firstly to escape the toxicity of my ex's family secondly , secondly the Grammar schools. My ex's family would only pay fees if I and the children had decided to stay in Cheshire. Fast forward six years and DD1, DD2 and DS are all at grammar schools DD3 who has just taken her 11+ exam is unlikely to pass. Consequently ex husbands family have decided DD 3 needs to go to Boarding school but only one that is located in the North of England and want her start next September when DD 3 will be 11 years, she is a very immature 10 and half year old at present. The 'family' again refuse to contemplate funding a Private school Prep or Senior near where we live.

Should I suggest to them that perhaps DD 3 can go at 13 and that they fund a Local Prep school for her . Alternatively should I tell them to get lost and send DD to the local Comprehensive.

This is also complicated by the fact DD 3 is a talented sportswoman in both Tennis and Hockey . Therefore, with good facilities and coaching she would probably flourish both academically and sportingly in a Public School environment.

I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO SAY FUCK OFF TO THEM !

However, if I do will I be destroying DD3s future life prospects.

@NuttyinNotts

I think sending an adopted child to boarding school, just as they are reaching adolescence sounds like a really risky decision, particularly when her siblings will still be at home. YANBU

YY - I totally agree with this

Tennis is extremely competitive at the schools mentioned, and I am not sure that it would be a useful environment for a less confident child.

I know a child who went to one of those schools mentioned above, on a tennis scholarship, and her self esteem was totally crushed.

You sound quite in their thrall Op.

Why not look at local state schools with sports specialisms, I know of a fab one in one of the towns in Essex which has Grammar schools out of the 3.

For those suggesting a sports bursary to a local independent… in my area, you’d have to absolutely exceptional at a sport to get a bursary if you wouldn’t pass the 11+

At 11, I would only ever choose boarding if it was driven by the child - and even then I’d over ride it if I thought it wasn’t right for them.

I can't really imagine sending any child away to boarding school tbh but certainly not a child who was adopted. @peewitsandy you mention that she is not mature for her she and can also be 'clingy'. Is it possible that she has attachment difficulties? Have you had attachment training?

I don’t understand why they’re financially supporting your children at all. Is this a thing?
It seems very unhealthy and controlling. Stop taking their money and send your kids to whatever school you want to.
I would think carefully about sending an adopted child to boarding school too.

Echoing what other posters have said - as a parent of an adopted child who went to boarding school myself - hell no! (And I actually loved boarding school but I didn't have early life trauma!) You don't need to justify yourself of course Cos she's you're child and you get to decide but if you do need ammo, just look up the details of attachment theory especially in relation to adolescents. Also early life trauma. From my experience with my adopted DD, I'd say she'll feel totally rejected and abandoned if she was sent away and I'd say it could easily become a compounding trauma for her.
I wonder if they're pushing this to either get her away from you or if they are trying this first but might actually agree to find something closer to home if they realise you're absolutely not going to agree to it. Get her social worker involved if you need to - get her to tell ex that under no circumstances is boarding school and option.

Mine all started boarding at 14 and that is the youngest I would contemplate (we are not in UK). I would look for the best local school she can bet into and support her sporting skills after school and holidays. Then if she still shows promise for sports at a later age, she could look at boarding for sixth form.

If she isnt academically minded then there is little point sending her to a school (boarding or otherwise) where she will be continually bottom, it will destroy her self confidence.

@toocold54 I don’t understand why they’re financially supporting your children at all. Is this a thing?

Sometimes fathers do continue to support their children after divorce.

just NO

Please don’t send her to boarding school when her siblings are at home. This is a terrible message to send. And the ex PIL can fuck right off with their controlling ways. If they genuinely had dd3 best interests at heart they would pay for an independent day school near where you live now. I don’t think they seem like they care much at all. They just want control. Please don’t give it to them. Most people go to normal schools and a great many have very good careers when they’re older. You’ve already said the local school is good so just send her there.

What does DD3 want to do? That might help with the decision process.

Surely a child has a say in their own education?

They've no place whatsoever to insist she goes to boarding school, wherever it may be is irrelevant.

Equally, you've no right to ask them to pay for private schooling either really.

Send her to whatever the best school is which is attainable both for her academically and you financially.

The most important future to plan for a child is their happiness.

Many millions of people don’t get private education and flourish.

Many thousands go to private school and do nothing with their lives.

Absolutely get the ex PIL to fuck - the way you act now is going to shape your coparenting for the next 20 or so years boundaries boundaries boundaries.

@baffledcoconut

If she’s a talented sporting type then what about a scholarship to a local Indy? Also, as she’s adopted you’ll probably find there are school/private funds that will help to cover the remainder of the fees. As she isn’t as academic as your other children then the smaller setting of an independent rather than a grammar might be an advantage.

I wondered this!

Thank you: Dramalamma for your wisdom on the subject

Regarding DD3 passing/failing the 11+ I was told it was about 60/40 against her passing, so I have deliberately downplayed DD3 chances ! I have also been told if DD3 is quite close to the required score, she might be in line to receive a 'Contextual' offer for Grammar School based on her personal circumstances.

Is that correct or a myth.

However, because DD3 is adopted I am far more involved in little things that never concerned me with the other three.
The other kids I was fairly confident they would all pass the Essex 11+which they did, but I would have had no issues sending them to Boarding Schools, paid by the in laws.

The in laws and ex husband are so Public School and ignorant they had no idea what a state 'Grammar School' was. They were amazed that the state had selective schools. Hence, I think their opinions about the point of state schools was only to provide the workforce for the elite, thus no more education for the masses than absolutely necessary .

The first time I met them they asked me where I came from and I said Kent via Manchester University . Then when they asked about my school, (Newstead Wood) noted that the only Schools she knew of in Kent or nearby where Benenden or Wycombe Abbey !

I know they sound horrific, but when they get to know you they are actually quite nice. It is just that the Upper Classes are among the most ignorant and stupid people in the country.

Straight from the thread title I thought YANBU. They shouldn't even have a say in it.
Do what you feel is best for your child, and consider going NC (for yourself). Their father can maintain the DCs relationship with them.

I am adopted, so is my beautiful
Sweet daughter who is 12. If either I or her was sent away to a boarding school quite frankly it would break me and her. Remember everything you went through to adopt this precious individual - more than anything she needs you right now to be her MUM. Sod the wealthy fuckwits who think they can buy her life on their terms. If she fails that exam and you send her away what message will that send. If she is truly gifted at her sports - the grass root sports will find her and guide her. Remember a lot of the finest footballers in the country haven’t had the best education. PLEASE don’t send your daughter away. Stand firm and tell the to FUCK OFF and when they come back tell the to FUCK OFF again. And repeat. Xx

Sounds like your ex's family want DD3 out of the way

If they're going to dangle sports provision as the carrot tell them it would be better to for your DD if they were to pay for lessons and summer holiday clubs.

They don't get to make this decision.
If DD passes the 11+ fine. If she doesn't the local school will be fine.
The 'we'll only pay for school if it's boarding and in the North' in laws can sod off. It's blatant manipulation and not based on the child's best interests. If it was they'd pay for a local school.

I haven't heard of contextual offers, but have seen that being a LAC or in receipt of pupil premium is usually very high up the list of selection criteria in the admissions policies. I assume, as adopted, she qualifies as a LAC. This would be her favourable treatment. So e.g. an area like Bexley the top 180 get whichever school they want, then LAC/pupil premium seemed selective get to choose, then so on.

Remember she can move at year 12 too.

Can I totally echo the posters talking about attachment trauma, and how boarding school can be seen as another attachment trauma (boarding school syndrome - there are books, and documentaries which are now available on YouTube - it might make some sense of your in laws behavior). Your "clingy" (safety seeking) adopted child is not a good candidate for this sort of separation. It could well be massively damaging, and boarding schools are staffed and populated by people who collude with such damage so are unlikely to be able to mitigate it if they can even bring themselves to see it. Money will not make up for it. Choose a lifetime of good relationships and mental health. This is also an investment in her future success and happiness, and imo more important than exposure to money or an academic grade or two.

So in conclusion: follow your instinct wrt her emotional health. A local comprehensive will serve her far better than boarding school at 11.

Good grief.

You don’t think an adopted child who, unlike her older siblings did not pass the 11+, might see being sent away as a major failure and subsequent rejection?

OP, you have bought into this, with your focus on grammar schools and financial and ‘prospects’. What children need is love, security and a good enough education supported by the home environment.

A boarding school and ‘prospects’ will never make up for any feelings of abandonment or rejection.

And an extra curricular tennis club is likely to be better than any school provision.