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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That "you'd be welcome to join" means the opposite?

109 replies

cafedesreves · 13/06/2021 09:56

Often I think that "you'd be welcome to join" when inviting someone to an existing plan actually means they are not that welcome.
AIBU?

OP posts:
StarryStarrySocks · 13/06/2021 09:57

Depends who's saying it I suppose. Normally I would assume I would actually be welcome though.

Cric · 13/06/2021 09:58

I always mean it when I say it! Now I am worried that people have thought the opposite!!!

happytoday73 · 13/06/2021 09:58

I also always mean it if say it...

romdowa · 13/06/2021 09:59

I've asd so I always mean it when I say it but lots of People say it out of politeness , which I've always found weird.

Stompythedinosaur · 13/06/2021 09:59

I don't think so. I would say that if I wanted someone to come but I'm not sure if they would want to.

MargotHeggerty · 13/06/2021 10:00

Yanbu

Actually had this recently
Im part of a group of friends all very close but one member seperates herself when she has a new friend or new partner

She is hosting a party next week...none of her long standing friends have been invited. One of the group started asking her questions about her plans for the party and we were told we were welcome to come along if we like...

It satisfies them that they have 'asked' but they dont expect you to actually take it up!

Chikapu · 13/06/2021 10:01

I wouldn't say if I didn't mean it. Having someone there who wasn't actually welcome would ruin the whole thing, what would be the point of that?

Howshouldibehave · 13/06/2021 10:02

She is hosting a party next week...none of her long standing friends have been invited. One of the group started asking her questions about her plans for the party and we were told we were welcome to come along if we like...

I would say that person asking about a party they weren’t invited to was being rude!

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 13/06/2021 10:03

I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it either.

Snowpaw · 13/06/2021 10:04

Agreed. I have a once very close extended family member. She moved in with a man with lots of money and a flash lifestyle and they like to do lots of hosting and dinner parties etc but only really for his friends and family by the sounds of it...i get the “you’d be welcome to join” messages but actually I don’t think I would be as she never follows up with “it starts at 8pm” etc - it’s all vague invites

MargotHeggerty · 13/06/2021 10:05

@Howshouldibehave

She is hosting a party next week...none of her long standing friends have been invited. One of the group started asking her questions about her plans for the party and we were told we were welcome to come along if we like...

I would say that person asking about a party they weren’t invited to was being rude!

Odd....when someone has actively spoken about a party they are hosting and a friend asks how things are coming along/did you get that catering issue sorted/did you get your baloons that you wanted I don't agree its rude Hmm
HunkyPunk · 13/06/2021 10:07

It depends. If I was part of an existing group, then discovered that some/all of them had organised to e.g. go for a meal, became aware that I now knew, and I was then invited, I'd probably feel a bit of an afterthought. Or that they felt they had to ask me because it was awkward. Otherwise, I'd assume an unprompted 'you're welcome to join' was genuine!

godmum56 · 13/06/2021 10:13

is it the "you'd be" or would you think the same of they said "you are"?

Spied · 13/06/2021 10:15

If you were welcome you'd have been asked in the first instance.

tornadosequins · 13/06/2021 10:16

It's not polite to say thinks you don't mean, it makes you a dickhead.

Sparklesocks · 13/06/2021 10:17

Depends on the context/how sincere that individual tends to be but I don’t think that’s a hard and fast rule

BrilliantBetty · 13/06/2021 10:18

I mean it if I say it.

Sometimes I use it as a casual way to invite someone along to something if I don't know them that well / not sure if they'd be interested.

For example a stand off-ish (probably just shy!?) mum at the school gates has a toddler the same age as mine and another 2 of the class mums. I was inviting them to bring their toddlers over to play in our garden and mums to have coffee after the school run as I live down the street. I saw her behind us, she'd heard the conversation so I said 'you're welcome to join, if you fancy it, I'm at number X'. She didn't... But I did mean it.

GoodbyeToCare · 13/06/2021 10:18

I had this recently. A colleague was explaining t hat she was going out for dinner with a few other colleagues and the dreaded 'you can come if you want' was uttered. The unspoken 'please don't' hung loud in the air. I didn't go and would rather she hadn't said anything.

BlueSurfer · 13/06/2021 10:19

I think it means you aren’t really friends with these people. Under normal circumstances it does mean you are welcome. Good friends are close enough to say “I’m doing this with X at the weekend” and it not be an issue where everyone feels like the invite needs to be extended.

ZenNudist · 13/06/2021 10:20

What? Only on mumsnet. Need context. Is this you saying it when you don't mean it and being offended that the person didn't take your completely not obvious hint? Or is it someone saying it to you and you being paranoid or the person being a dick?

StayCalm99 · 13/06/2021 10:23

yeh, it's so formal. I think you're right OP
It means ''I'm going to say and do the right thing here and tell you that you're welcome to come but personally I don't care''.

it doesn't mean you shouldn't go though (although that's the bit I'd struggle with overcoming!)

MRex · 13/06/2021 10:24

I would mean it if I say that. We have a lot of disparate friends who don't live in each other's pockets; we can't and don't invite everyone to everything, but say if it's clear someone is at a loose end then I'd happily include them. Luckily most of our friends are fairly easy going types and happy to turn up as and when without getting upset that they aren't a permanent feature on the sofa, plus have usually met each other over the years so enjoy catching up with a different set of people. I don't quite understand groups of friends who only see each other, so you'd only ever have the same 6 people round, just because it isn't what we do, but I imagine that's a case where someone might reasonably feel left out by this sort of comment. Different expectations of friendships perhaps.

Original poster
cafedesreves · 13/06/2021 10:24

@ZenNudist

What? Only on mumsnet. Need context. Is this you saying it when you don't mean it and being offended that the person didn't take your completely not obvious hint? Or is it someone saying it to you and you being paranoid or the person being a dick?
Neither! Was just thinking about it. I think it could be the conditional tense "you'd be welcome to join". Perhaps I say it sometimes when the other person doesn't know the people I'm going with and I am perhaps a tiny bit apprehensive about how they'd get on, but never making mean hints!
OP posts:
Squirrel26 · 13/06/2021 10:27

Nope. If I say it I mean it.
I wouldn't say 'you can come if you want' though. I'd say 'X and I are doing this at this time here. You're very welcome to join in.'

SleepyPartyTime · 13/06/2021 10:27

I don't think it's always the case but definitely know what you mean OP. Especially if someone has accidentally revealed a plan you weren't included in.

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