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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

That "you'd be welcome to join" means the opposite?

109 replies

cafedesreves · 13/06/2021 09:56

Often I think that "you'd be welcome to join" when inviting someone to an existing plan actually means they are not that welcome.
AIBU?

OP posts:
HooverPhobic · 13/06/2021 10:59

Well obviously it's not saying "you'd be welcome to join" that's the deciding factor, it's more whether it's said unprompted or in response to being asked about something.
I often send round WhatsApp messages saying e.g. taking dc to the park, anyone is welcome to join if you're at a loose end. If I didn't want them to join I wouldn't send the message at all, would I?

If someone said 'are you going to Adventure Theme Park on Saturday' I'd say 'yes, looking forward to it' or 'yes, you're welcome to join' depending on whether I minded them joining in or not!

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 13/06/2021 11:00

you are welcome to join = you are welcome to join

you'd be welcome to join = don't

hi = I'm acknowledging your existence but do not talk to me

how are you? = I don't care

hi! how ARE you? = so giddy to see you!!

I'm not sure when I'm free = fuck me you are clingy

let's have coffee sometime = I'm late for my bikini wax

saraclara · 13/06/2021 11:00

@shockthemonkey

Tone and context is everything
Yep. It's one of the things that it's far harder to interpret now that everyone communicates via messaging. The body language, facial expression and tone of voice would make it far easier to judge if people still actually talked in person (or on a phone call for the latter).
MintyMabel · 13/06/2021 11:00

One of the group started asking her questions about her plans for the party and we were told we were welcome to come along if we like...

Did anyone go? I can’t see anything that suggests that person didn’t want them to attend.

If someone says “come along if you like” I would go if I wanted to. If I said it, I would be happy for those people to attend.

When did we get to the place where the words people say are disbelieved?

mam0918 · 13/06/2021 11:02

I have been invited to loads of things last minute, never thought it was wierd.

There also plenty of time when your clearly not invited and then its awkward judging the right point to leave though.

Especially if say you bumped in to them at the same bar and start having a chat but then find out they are waiting for others, like:

Do you leave them as soon as you find out they have plans your not part of?

Or stay till the others show up so they arent sat alone?

If you stay does it then look like your angling for an invite?

Is it wierd/rude to the people who showed up to then get up and leave as soon as they arrive?

That sort of situation confuses me the most.

Bluedeblue · 13/06/2021 11:09

To me it means that plans were made between a group of people, and you were not included. Once you find out about the plan, they feel compelled to say "you'd be welcome to join". It's like a 2nd class invite, where you weren't thought of in the first place.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 13/06/2021 11:16

Being autistic, I'd worry about this too. Can people just say what they mean? My family is full of pointless politeness. I got told I was extremely rude to ask one of them not to ring me before 9am at the weekend because I'm extremely sleep deprived. Apparently, neither she nor her clients would ever say that to each other. Whatever happened to the old rule of never ringing people before 9am?

Hathertonhariden · 13/06/2021 11:24

It's only an invite if you are given the details to enable you to go. World of difference between

"You're welcome to join us"

And

"You're welcome to join us, it's at 7.30 at my place bring a bottle"

Snorkelface · 13/06/2021 11:25

I said this the other day to someone and the context was that an established group of us were doing something and they were a new person. None of us knew them well enough to know if it was their kind of thing and didn't want to make them feel obliged or that we'd be offended if they said no. I'd probably feel a bit odd if it was people I knew well who said that.

seeyouatthecrossroads · 13/06/2021 11:27

No. "You'd be welcome to join" is not the equivalent of "Let's get coffee sometime."

It means "Come along if you're free, there's definitely space for you, but no pressure if you can't make it, because we've got enough people for it to happen without you, so you won't be letting anyone down."

SleepyPartyTime · 13/06/2021 11:32

To be fair I'm not usually offended by it. For example the other day I was talking with a school gate mum who I'm only vaguely friendly with about a kids venue and she said 'Oh me and Jenny are taking the kids there at the weekend' then added a half hearted invitation for me to join if I'd like. I think she was just being polite. Her and Jenny are good friends and I'm only on school gate chat terms with them (kids aren't particularly good friends either). I guess if I was lonely and really wanted to make new friends I might have joined them but didn't take them up on it and they'd probably prefer it just the two of them (as I would if I'd planned an outing with a good friend).

SleepyPartyTime · 13/06/2021 11:33

I might feel offended in a different circumstance (e.g. a group of people who I considered to be close friends had all arranged something and I just got a 'oh come along if you like' last minute invitation).

Bythemillpond · 13/06/2021 11:37

I think it is part of the nuances of the English language.

You are welcome I have always found means don’t come.

If you want someone to come you say Please come or I/We would love you to come or I/We would love to see you there

MargaretThursday · 13/06/2021 11:52

I would mean it if I said it. Wouldn't ever invite someone thinking I hope they didn't come.

What it would mean from me is that I'd organised it with a different group, and hadn't really thought about expanding it to others, but if they wanted to then it wouldn't change the dynamic and I'd love to see them.
I'd also use it for a couple of friends who struggle socially because they find being directly invited quite difficult because they feel under pressure to say "yes", then panic on the day because they don't want to come but feel guilty about letting me down. They then will avoid me for a while if they don't come because they don't want to have to explain. (no, I wouldn't ask, but they feel they have to)
By offering it as a general invite (and for them it tends to be something I'm going to alone, rather than a group thing) they can text me on the day and say they'll join me and know that if they don't come it really doesn't matter.
What I mean in those cases is that I'd love to have their company but understand if they won't want to come.

VettiyaIruken · 13/06/2021 11:54

You'd be welcome to join is not the same as I'm having this event and id love you to come.

A proper invite means you're wanted.
Come if you want means they aren't bothered one way or the other.

Is my interpretation of it.

memberofthewedding · 13/06/2021 12:08

Im pretty thick skinned about this sort of thing as I am no longer into the party scene.

However when I was much younger I once realised I was the only person in the department who had not been invited to someone's housewarming party. Anyway I rocked up in a taxi with a couple of other guests and a bottle just to see what would happen. Of course the hostess could not really say anything in front of the other guests otherwise she would have made a complete dick of herself. I even proposed a toast, thanking her for her hospitality and wishing her good luck in her new home. Her face was a study! I will never forget it.

Two weeks later I had a leaving "do" to which I ostentatiously invited her in front of others. She just turned on her heel and marched off.

Sleepyquest · 13/06/2021 12:10

Hmmm it's a weird one because when someone says that to me I think nahh I'll leave it, feels a bit like I've forced myself an invite. However when I say it, I totally mean it and almost say it to keep things casual with no pressure!

partyatthepalace · 13/06/2021 12:11

I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it, but it’s a lukewarm invite. Whether I was saying it or having it said to me I’d interpret it as ‘I am happy for you to come, but you aren’t one of the core people this event is for’

Templetreebloom · 13/06/2021 12:26

@TheLovelinessOfDemons

Being autistic, I'd worry about this too. Can people just say what they mean? My family is full of pointless politeness. I got told I was extremely rude to ask one of them not to ring me before 9am at the weekend because I'm extremely sleep deprived. Apparently, neither she nor her clients would ever say that to each other. Whatever happened to the old rule of never ringing people before 9am?
Its not rude to say that all! They just dont like being told not too. People want their own way and "you are rude" is them trying to bull doze you.
saraclara · 13/06/2021 12:33

@memberofthewedding

Im pretty thick skinned about this sort of thing as I am no longer into the party scene.

However when I was much younger I once realised I was the only person in the department who had not been invited to someone's housewarming party. Anyway I rocked up in a taxi with a couple of other guests and a bottle just to see what would happen. Of course the hostess could not really say anything in front of the other guests otherwise she would have made a complete dick of herself. I even proposed a toast, thanking her for her hospitality and wishing her good luck in her new home. Her face was a study! I will never forget it.

Two weeks later I had a leaving "do" to which I ostentatiously invited her in front of others. She just turned on her heel and marched off.

I can see why she didn't invite you, if this is indicative of how you behaved in general. Why on earth would you do that?
NotMineToTell · 13/06/2021 12:33

I'd interpret it as I'm not welcome.

I invite people to things by saying Im doing X do you want to come along, or I'd love you to come along, do you want to do X with me etc.

You're welcome to join if you want to is a half-hearted response, like I'm inviting you to be polite but don't really want you there. I've made the mistake of taking it at face value in a work situation and was pulled aside later and told not to go in future as the invitation wasn't really meant, which was embarrassing!

CorianderBee · 13/06/2021 12:40

Usually I mean they'd be welcome to join...

Heisbeingweird · 13/06/2021 12:41

@Stompythedinosaur

I don't think so. I would say that if I wanted someone to come but I'm not sure if they would want to.
Yes, this. So they don't feel pressurised to either accept or come up with an excuse. This way they can just say thank you and make their own decision.
Gwenhwyfar · 13/06/2021 12:42

"Odd....when someone has actively spoken about a party they are hosting and a friend asks how things are coming along/did you get that catering issue sorted/did you get your baloons that you wanted I don't agree its rude

hmm"

It's not rude.
I think it would be rude of a host to talk to a guest of a forthcoming party in front of someone else not invited though. Definitely not rude to just ask a question about an event you're not invited to.

Gwenhwyfar · 13/06/2021 12:44

"yeh, it's so formal. I think you're right OP"

It's not formal.