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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

That "you'd be welcome to join" means the opposite?

109 replies

cafedesreves · 13/06/2021 09:56

Often I think that "you'd be welcome to join" when inviting someone to an existing plan actually means they are not that welcome.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Purplemist · 13/06/2021 15:28

I had a colleague/friend who would say this to me every Christmas. I would turn down her invitation every time ( I really don't mind spending Christmas on my own).

Then she admitted that she only asked me as she knew I would say no.

MintyMabel · 13/06/2021 18:15

I think generally it’s said out of politeness

It is impolite to extend an invitation to someone you don’t want to invite.

All those saying they have found it means people don’t want you there. Have you turned up and were turned away?

EmeraldShamrock · 13/06/2021 18:18

No I don't think it means the opposite, why would you invite someone you didn't want there.

romdowa · 13/06/2021 18:22

@MintyMabel

I think generally it’s said out of politeness

It is impolite to extend an invitation to someone you don’t want to invite.

All those saying they have found it means people don’t want you there. Have you turned up and were turned away?

I accepted an "invitation " years ago and honestly the atmosphere was so uncomfortable that I left soon after I arrived. It was clear I was unwelcome
NCtitleofyoursextape · 13/06/2021 19:05

@Spied

If you were welcome you'd have been asked in the first instance.
This. You’re not wrong OP
MolyHolyGuacamole · 13/06/2021 19:48

If you were welcome you'd have been asked in the first instance.

Exactly this. I've gotten this when I've asked a friend if they're free and would like to do something together. 'Oh I'm doing x with so-and-so but you're welcome to join!'

No I'm not, and that's ok, you can do whatever with whenever you like. We can do something else when you're free, but I hate the faux invite. You're not expected to take them up on it.

PinkMendinilla · 14/06/2021 07:26

Very much depends on the tone, the suitability of the event and how it came to be asked.

For instance if it came up openly in conversation, I was given full details and they said 'you'd be very welcome' to something that was quite open in terms of numbers or who was invited (so, not Christmas day), I would take it as them wanting me there, just me not being part of the initial group in mind, which is fine.

If it was more that I overheard or joined a conversation between people already going, and the invitation was given offhand, I might assume they were asking out of politeness. That wouldn't necessarily mean I wasn't welcome, but i would look at the type of event and think whether one more would make a difference either way before actually going.

If it's something like a house party or informal BBQ then it's quite normal for people to be invited ad hoc who may not have been on the original list. A gathering of close friends who live miles apart, family party etc, not so much.

Also, if you don't know someone well or aren't very self assured, it can feel a bit like you're imposing by inviting them. This offhand 'you're welcome if you like' means job done but you've not put any expectations on them. But not ideal if they're then wondering if you meant it.

'Come if you want' is perfunctory though and I wouldn't feel particularly welcome.

bonbonours · 14/06/2021 07:32

I would say this and totally mean, please come, we'd like you to.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/06/2021 20:55

"'Oh I'm doing x with so-and-so but you're welcome to join!'

No I'm not, and that's ok, you can do whatever with whenever you like. We can do something else when you're free, but I hate the faux invite. You're not expected to take them up on it."

If I said this, I would mean it. Just because the arrangement was initially with one particular friend, doesn't mean your other friend isn't really welcome. Maybe friend A made the suggestion, but friend A and yourself would be happy for friend B to join. Maybe friend B wasn't invited initially because they just weren't there when the conversation took place.

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