Page 4 | That "you'd be welcome to join" means the opposite?

cafedesreves · 2021-06-13T08:56:27+00:00

Often I think that "you'd be welcome to join" when inviting someone to an existing plan actually means they are not that welcome. AIBU?

LeafBeetle · 13/06/2021 12:45

YABU. I often say this! (and mean it!)

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 13/06/2021 12:48

When I say "You'd be welcome to join", it usually means I'd love to see you but I don't think you'll be able to make it. I usually say this when I invite my child-free friends to DC birthday parties...I'd love to see them there but I'm assuming they've got a better offer (even if it's staying home and watching junk TV).

OccaChocca · 13/06/2021 12:52

I'd assume it was an afterthought.

Mind you, the worst was a group of friends talking about a gathering at someone's house. Someone asked me if I was going and I said I wasn't even aware of it. Party host said that my invite was in the post. It never arrived. It was a bloody MLM thing so I wasn't too bothered!

MRex · 13/06/2021 12:52

Many of these posts comes across as people being rather over-sensitive to me.

Why should it matter to a grown adult if they weren't invited first? The arrangement is there so go or do not, wanting to be "the favourite" is your own insecurity, it isn't primary school where you can only have one "best" friend.
You can't discuss an event with anyone not invited? If a BBQ inspires such jealousy then you really need to get out more.
Turning an invite including "welcome" into offensive behaviour by the host? That's taking being touchy to the point of argumentative.
That said, the poster deliberately going to a party they were not invited to is very rude, that sort of behaviour ultimately will leave you with few acquaintances as well as few friends.

Sugarcoatedalmond · 13/06/2021 12:53

Depends on context.

Pre-Covid, I bumped into a friend & she mentioned in conversation that it was her DC’s 1st birthday coming up, so I asked if they were doing anything nice & she said yes we’re having a big party can’t wait etc. Then the penny dropped & she quickly said “oh and of course you’re welcome to come!”

Now on that occasion it was obviously a big party planned in advance & invites had been sent out in advance & she clearly only invited me as she’d bumped into me and found herself in an awkward situation. So I politely declined!

Tistheseason17 · 13/06/2021 13:18

When I say it I mean it.

I was taking friend's children with mine to an activity which I love to watch. I did not want her to think I would not give her a lift too and texted, "you'd be very welcome to join us" - and she did. She just did not want to have to ask for a lift, too.

FortunesFave · 13/06/2021 13:25

@Tistheseason17

When I say it I mean it.

I was taking friend's children with mine to an activity which I love to watch. I did not want her to think I would not give her a lift too and texted, "you'd be very welcome to join us" - and she did. She just did not want to have to ask for a lift, too.

In this context it's obviously meant as a genuine invitation.

If it were a friend and I'd overheard she was going somewhere, then I'd assume she was just being polite.

If someone wants you to go to something they say "We're going to X on Friday, will you come too?" Or "Hey we're going to X, I'd love you to come too"

Bouledeneige · 13/06/2021 13:35

I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it. And I'd usually assume it was genuinely meant if it was said to me. But context and tone is everything.

notthenever · 13/06/2021 13:36

When I say this I mean it.

SengaMac · 13/06/2021 13:36

Someone I know got "you'd be welcome to join" a small meeting of people involved in his hobby - when actually he should have been given a straightforward invite.

It was obvious, knowing the dynamics, that the group leader would prefer him not to attend.

fashionablefennel · 13/06/2021 13:43

Context matters.

It usually does mean "you are welcome to join" but it's last minute or something so you won't be offended if they can't come.

MrsIsobelCrawley · 13/06/2021 13:49

"You'd be welcome to join" just means 'you are not the centre of my universe'.

If you have this need to be the centre of their universe, it is incredibly rude and a damning revelation.

For most people, it means that they are welcome to mosey along if they are free.

NeedNewKnees · 13/06/2021 13:50

I'd see it as "come along if you fancy but no pressure if it's not your thing."

Tistheseason17 · 13/06/2021 13:53

@NeedNewKnees

I'd see it as "come along if you fancy but no pressure if it's not your thing."

Def this. I don't want the other person to feel obliged.

MRex · 13/06/2021 13:54

@MrsIsobelCrawley

"You'd be welcome to join" just means 'you are not the centre of my universe'.

If you have this need to be the centre of their universe, it is incredibly rude and a damning revelation.

For most people, it means that they are welcome to mosey along if they are free.

Ha. Yes, very well put.

Aprilx · 13/06/2021 13:55

@MargotHeggerty

Yanbu

Actually had this recently
Im part of a group of friends all very close but one member seperates herself when she has a new friend or new partner

She is hosting a party next week...none of her long standing friends have been invited. One of the group started asking her questions about her plans for the party and we were told we were welcome to come along if we like...

It satisfies them that they have 'asked' but they dont expect you to actually take it up!

No I think in that case somebody was put on the spot by an extremely rude person who wasn’t invited.

But generally I would take “you are welcome to join us” at face value.

Feedingthebirds1 · 13/06/2021 14:07

It usually means they're doing something unfriendly (a party you're not really invited to) or anti social (neighbours having a very noisy party going on until 3.00am) and they think you can't complain because you were invited.

Feedingthebirds1 · 13/06/2021 14:09

^^
I should have said 'sometimes' that's what happens. They're the ones you can tell are insincere

possumgoddess · 13/06/2021 14:13

I think if I really wanted somebody to come to something I would say 'I'd love it if you could come' and if I wasn't particularly bothered whether somebody came or would be quite relieved if they didnt then I would say 'you are welcome to join'. I wouldn't say it to somebody I really didn't want there.

Gemma2019 · 13/06/2021 14:16

To me it means the opposite - if I was welcome to come then I'd have been invited in the first place and not as an afterthought.

It's a very British thing, like when people say "I might see you there later". Everyone in the conversation knows that they will not be turning up later.

girlwhowearsglasses · 13/06/2021 14:18

I do sometimes say it but it's a tiny bit ambiguous. i prefer "it would be lovely to see you" or "do come!'

memberofthewedding · 13/06/2021 14:23

the poster deliberately going to a party they were not invited to is very rude

Inviting other people in earshot and deliberately leaving one person out is even more mean and rude. Especially when you had previously been wined and dined in a restaurant at their expense.

Bluntness100 · 13/06/2021 14:25

Um do you mean that’s what you mean when you say it?

copperpotsalot · 13/06/2021 14:35

I said this to a friend yesterday, I hadnt invited her originally because I hadn't seen her in a while and just didn't think to but when I started talking about the plans she seemed really interested so I said she was welcome to join and I 100% meant it

MaloInAnAppleTree · 13/06/2021 14:57

I normally wouldn’t say this unless I genuinely would be happy for someone to come along, but to cut out the ambiguity I’ll add
“I do actually mean that by the way, not just being polite, please do come along if you fancy it”