That "you'd be welcome to join" means the opposite?

[cafedesreves]

Often I think that "you'd be welcome to join" when inviting someone to an existing plan actually means they are not that welcome.
AIBU?

It’s a rather lukewarm invitation.

I think it means you would be welcome, they might think you wouldn’t want to come or join in with the plans.

I think it’s fine, and usually means they’ve not planned the event around all/some invitees’ availability/preferences, but would like those invitees to join if it suits.

Ahh. That well known phrase that means fuck all but makes them feel better. Fuck offf.

It's the wishy washy "if you like" bit that makes it insincere, I think. The polar opposite to "why not come along?"

It is a bit lukewarm. It could be used if you didn't know someone that well and didn't want to appear over keen or put too much pressure on them. If someone I knew well said it I'd think they didn't really want me there.

This is why people ffom other cultures think British people talk in riddles.

If I said it I would mean it. But if someone said it to me, I'd assume they didn't care whether I came or not and I probably wouldn't go.

A more direct invitation would be best if you actually want someone to come.

@AdelindSchade

It is a bit lukewarm. It could be used if you didn't know someone that well and didn't want to appear over keen or put too much pressure on them. If someone I knew well said it I'd think they didn't really want me there.

This is why people ffom other cultures think British people talk in riddles.

I was just about to post this. I didn't come to Britain to live until I was at uni and it was such hard work figuring out what people actually said and what they actually meant.

Even now over 20 years in this country I still sometimes struggle!

Yes you would be welcome to join but under whatever circumstances I would rather you didn't. But at the same time to make me a good person, I am offering, but it would be great if you said no. The choice to let you come or refuse has now been taken out of my hands. It's all yours to decide but please say no 🤞😀

I have a large family (5 siblings, all with kids of their own, we - the adults - have 5 close first cousins - 20 kids between us ranging from 10 to newborn). A lot of us within an hour of each other.

It's simply not practical to make plans to include everyone. So I'm very used to making plans with 1/2 others and then throwing out a "you're welcome to join" (or being on the receiving end of one). I always mean it, and I would extend the same standards to non-family groups as well.

I'd probably say "if you can" rather than "if you like". For that extra layer of nuance.

It's much easier than the exhausting negotiation it takes to get even 3 different people from the same social circle to agree a mutual time.

I think it can make you feel like a bit of an afterthought, not that it necessarily means the opposite.

When this has been said in the past to me it makes me feel like the plans have already been made. The favourites have been invited, and either I have been invited because it has been mentioned in front of me and it would be awkward not to, or the main party doesn’t care either way whether I’m there or not.

I suppose it depends on the individual and the circumstances. I think it's usually obvious when it's meant and when it isn't.

I see it as not being invited originally but because I know of say the meet up I’m then asked

Sometimes it is too difficult to arrange something around say 6 people.
So a core arrange something and then say that others who are available are welcome to join in. To me it just means they aren't going to rearrange things if the time or whatever doesn't suit.

This is like that thread a while back where hundreds of posters insisted that "You're looking well" meant that you'd put on weight.
Obviously none of them were using it like that. But they were absolutely certain that everyone else was.

If I said to someone that they'd be welcome to come, I'd mean exactly that. And I'd infer exactly that if someone said it to me.

Depends who says it really. However, it feels like the person extending the invitation is asking the other person as an afterthought because why weren't they invited in the first place? It's usually inviting somebody to a pre arranged event that they weren't originally included in. They probably would be welcome to attend but it's a bit like when people say to acquaintances, "You must call in for a coffee sometime". Rarely does anyone follow that through.

I think it means it really would be nice to see you however most people there will already know one another and should be prepared for that.
PP is right, British people do talk in riddles. But then I've experienced the same when I've been visiting family in other countries.

It varies - if I say it I mean it but I do have a neighbour who often suggests vague plans and doesn’t follow through - if she said it I wouldn’t turn up !

@Stompythedinosaur

I don't think so. I would say that if I wanted someone to come but I'm not sure if they would want to.

Me too. I hate people to think I'm pressurising them to attend something.

Odd....when someone has actively spoken about a party they are hosting and a friend asks how things are coming along/did you get that catering issue sorted/did you get your baloons that you wanted I don't agree its rude

If the scenario was like that, it’s not rude, but maybe the person wasn’t actively talking about it?

If someone was directly asked about their plans for Saturday night and was put on the spot (maybe they wouldn’t have otherwise shared this as it was a different group of friends that might have ‘expected’ to come) so felt compelled to say they were having friends round and then were asked lots of questions about it. Maybe they were put on the spot and panicked and felt they were angling for an invite. A lot depends on context.

It’s perfectly fine not to invite every group of friends to every social event but the previous poster was talking about a party that ‘none of the long-standing friends were invited to’ which was interesting wording and suggested they felt they should have been! It’s possible the party host felt backed into a corner by them.

Tone and context is everything

Surely it depends on context though.
If I overheard colleagues talking about a later arrangement and they said ‘you’re welcome to join’ I prob would think they were just being polite.
If it’s mums on school run saying ‘we’re going for coffee now, you’re welcome to join’ I prob would as it’s more of a spur of moment thing. Plus depends who is asking- if I think they’re sincere.
I think generally it’s said out of politeness and I’ve seen people do it to others they don’t really want to come cos they feel ‘bad’ (and it doesn’t always go down well with the original invitees).

@GoodbyeToCare

I had this recently. A colleague was explaining t hat she was going out for dinner with a few other colleagues and the dreaded 'you can come if you want' was uttered. The unspoken 'please don't' hung loud in the air. I didn't go and would rather she hadn't said anything.

"You can come if you want" is very different from "You're welcome to join us", to my mind.

It absolutely means you weren’t included in the original planning but now I look shit for not including you so ‘you’re welcome to come’ means I’ve asked (hoping you’ll say no) but can feel less shit about excluding you to begin with.

I'd say it but without the "if you like" and stress "very welcome" to make it clear they were. Would definitely only say it if I meant it.

As PP said - I use it if plans are set (e.g. date/time fixed) to signal not open for rearrangement if the invitee couldn't make that particular date, time or location.